Chapter 16

This was bad, in a good way, but bad nonetheless. Feelings that Jasina hadn't experienced in years were surfacing and it was hard shoving them back down, especially around her very delicious looking ex-husband. He definitely hadn't let himself go. He was strong, muscular, that long auburn hair looked soft to the touch and those penetrating green eyes...Jasina was shocked a woman hadn't snagged him after she left. That made her smile a little as she headed to the living room, not remotely tired, though she needed a distraction.

Her eyes began scanning the pictures that adorned the walls, seeing how little Arielle was in soft purple. Mark never did like pink and she was glad he hadn't made Arielle wear that color. So many memories she had missed out on, Jasina had to take a breath as she picked one up of them. Arielle was probably four or five and she was grinning in the camera while sitting on her father's lap. They looked dressed up, though Mark still wore his black jeans with a nice white shirt and his hair pulled back. They looked happy as she set the picture back down.

Mark watched her, knowing it had to be hard to see pictures of the daughter she had left behind. A part of him wanted to rage at her for leaving, but another part understood, somewhat. He had never had an addiction, something that consumed his life, unless Arielle counted. So since he hadn't ever been in her shoes, he couldn't judge her. Theoretically. The part that bothered him the most was why hadn't she come to him.

It hurt more than words could say to see what she had given up all those years ago, what she had walked away from, but Jasina didn't regret her decision. She needed help, even Andy agreed with her. Mark wouldn't have been enough to stop her from doing the drugs. She needed psychiatric help and he couldn't afford that, not when he was just getting the shop underway. They barely could afford Arielle's birth let alone a drug addiction on top of that.

Jasina had made the right decision, though it cost her the love of her life and the first eleven years with her daughter. Still, Jasina knew deep in her heart she did the right thing. Andy told her everyone had choices in life and sometimes they were stuck between a rock and a hard place, sometimes the right decision wasn't always the easiest to make. The more she looked around, the more it made her smile, knowing Arielle had been well taken care of and loved while she was gone.

Dropping down onto the couch to watch her, Mark nudged underneath the coffee table with his foot, pushing out a few photo albums. "They're mostly of her if yer interested." He said, knowing she would be. Inside were pictures from when Arielle was an infant all the way up to now. Bath times, outside, with the various pets she'd had over the years. Life documented in photographs.

Jasina jumped and shook her head, turning around to face him. "I see the quiet aura about you still hasn't changed. You still manage to scare me half to death." She joked, smiling at him, and looked down at the photo albums. She picked one up and sat down on the couch, slowly looking up at him when he didn't move, staring into those green eyes. "Thank you." So much emotion and love were in those two words as Jasina turned back to the photo album and flipped it open, running her fingers down the pictures. "She is so beautiful..." She whispered, feeling tears well up in her eyes, and blinked them back. How she could walk out on her beautiful daughter, her family, and especially the man sitting next to her Jasina would never understand.

Mark moved next to her, looking down at the pictures as well, it had been so long since he'd gone through these. "That's when she was two months. All the hair on the left side of her head rubbed off cause that was the only side she'd sleep on, her head always had to be facing left." He remembered that, shaking his head. Arielle had had a beautiful full head of hair...with a bald patch.

"Just like me." She whispered thoughtfully. Jasina always had to be facing left when she slept, ever since she was little, and noticed that when her daughter came to see her in Austin. The more pictures they flipped through, the more Jasina learned as Mark quietly told her what each picture meant. He snapped more than one of the same moment, which made her smile. He wanted to capture every moment of Arielle's life and it made her heart both swell and hurt all at once. An exquisite pain. "What was her first word?" She asked softly, closing her eyes when he said 'dada'. Good, she didn't want it to be anything else and knew Arielle was a daddy's girl through and through.

"And her second was gimme." Mark snorted, rolling his eyes. "Then her first sentence was 'Aww hell', thanks to Steve repeating it so damn often. She said it in my office. Imagine, sitting in the office with a little angel in a play pen who suddenly screams that cause her blocks knocked over. I had an old woman in there for an oil change, she walked right on back out."

Jasina giggled softly when she heard that, shaking her head, and felt Mark chuckling as well. It was nice that they could hold a decent conversation and even laugh about their little girl without him trying to tear her head off. It felt great, like a big weight had been lifted off of her shoulders. "I'll have to remember to scold Steve for that later." She stated when they finally calmed down, flipping the page again. "She has your attitude, you know." She smirked when Mark grumbled, knowing she was right. "And your appetite. She may look like me except the eyes, but the rest of her is all you."

"I wonder why." Mark said instantly, groaning when he seen the expression on her face and reached out to stop her before she could get up, knowing that hadn't been a very good thing to say, but...Here was the moment. "Jasina, I'm sorry, but...honestly, I raised her, is she supposed to be anything else?" He asked softly, staring at her, refusing to let her up. "Why?" He whispered. "Why didn't you tell me you had a problem?"

"I was afraid." She replied, her heart pounding furiously in her chest. Hadn't the letter said enough? Why did he want to know why she hadn't told him? Did he enjoy tormenting her? "My counselor told me, who is also a very good friend of mine now, that even if I would've told you, you wouldn't have been able to stop me." That was the truth as the tears swelled in her teal eyes. "I should've been honest with you from the beginning, but I loved you so much that I...I was afraid of losing you. And I did it anyway. I thought if I told you, you would've divorced me and taken Arielle away because of her druggie mother..." She had to look away from him, knowing he wouldn't let her go. "That was my train of thought at the time and I can't change it. I wasn't in the right frame of mind, Mark. I know sorry doesn't cover it, but...goddamn it I'm sorry...I didn't want you going through it with me, I didn't want to cause you anymore pain than what I already had. I couldn't do that to you and Arielle..."

"Your counselor told you I wouldn't have been able to stop you, she's probably right." Mark said quietly. "But damn it, Jasina, I could have been there to help you through it. I wouldn't have left ya, or taken away Arielle. I would've been mad as hell and maybe gone away for a few days, but I would've always come back to ya."

"That's just it, Mark. I didn't know that...and I wasn't in the frame of mind. I wasn't thinking. All I kept thinking was I have to run. I have to get away from here and let them live their lives without this poison infecting them." The tears were flowing now as Jasina buried her face in her hands, not caring about showing her emotions anymore. "It took me...a long time afterwards after I left to get over them Mark. I didn't stop when I first left here. They got worse because I was so depressed about leaving that I...I let them completely consume me. My every thought, every move, everything..." He wanted to know and she was telling him. "I didn't know what else to do and I was an absolute coward for it. I should've told you before we even got married, before we had Arielle. I should've, but I didn't because I was happy and I thought I could kick my addiction with you. It didn't happen though."

That was a lot to digest. He had read her letter, he had read it over and over again, but to hear those words from Jasina herself broke his heart. He reached onto the coffee table for the box of tissues, holding it mutely out to her. He didn't know what to say or do right now.

"Stop crying." He finally said gruffly, always uncomfortable with tears. "C'mon, it's over and done now, no point in cryin' about it." He plucked a tissue from the box and began gently mopping away her tears, catching her chin in his hand and tilting her face up.

"I never meant to hurt you..." She whispered, hoping he believed her when she said that because it was the truth.

Jasina felt his hand on her chin and let him wipe her tears away, trying to stop them and took several deep breaths before they subsided, having set the photo album aside when he wanted the explanation. She wanted to reach out and touch him, but the fear of rejection stopped her from doing so. Still she couldn't stop staring into those green eyes that had haunted her dreams, her every thought, for the past eleven years. He was the perfect man, a little rough around the edges, but all Texans were like that. She remembered when she first met Mark, in Emerald City, the bar Trish had taken her that day after the barbeque. She was drinking with a few of her friends when he came over and asked her if they could step outside a minute and talk. From the moment his voice murmured in her ear, Jasina was a goner and still had been to this very day.

Mark finally broke the stare himself, getting to his feet. "You're tired, get up there." He said, his voice gruff and cleared his throat, eyes narrowing when she shook her head. "Jasi, I'll carry yer ass up to that bed myself if ya don't move." He threatened.

"No, I'm not tired and I want to look at more pictures. I'm not taking over your bed either." She stated stubbornly, crossing her arms in front of her chest, her own eyes narrowed. "You didn't want to take me up on my offer to use my bed, I'm not taking you up on yours. I'm fine, Mark, really." She assured him softly, wishing she had brought her laptop, but then remembered why she came over here in the first place.

"Look, take the albums with ya. But you're not sleepin' on the couch." Mark said firmly, rolling his eyes when she just shook her head again. A second later he had scooped Jasina up in his arms and was already on the steps, ignoring her protests. "Woman, you wake Arielle up and I'll turn you over my knee." He growled, tempted too anyway. He wondered idly if her ass was as firm as it looked, arching an eyebrow.

"This is not fair." She grumbled, crossing her arms in front of her chest while he carried her up the stairs to his room, pouting. "You're not sleeping on that couch either." She stated when he set her down, stopping him by grabbing his arm. "Mark, please...I know you slept on the floor at my place. Don't make me do the same thing here." The room brought back a lot of memories and it smelled the same, causing a small smile to cross her face. "You are far too big for that damn couch downstairs." Was this man out of his mind to actually give up HIS bedroom to the woman who broke his heart?

Yes, he was out of his damn mind, giving up his bed...No, he wasn't giving up his bed. "I'm not sleepin' on the couch either. I'm sleepin in my bed." Mark announced, a smirk curving his lips when he seen her eyes widen, shrugging. "You can't sleep on the floor. They're wood and it'll kill ya come mornin, and my couch is a death trap."