Zombies are for Realz
Chapter 3: And so the Strangeness Continues
Woah, these things expanded to the size of like, basketballs! Okay, not really, but it was still amazinggg. I just know they're are going to be a hit. Martha Stewart is going to be way jealous. I made sure to put my Hot Balls in there for only a few seconds, cause they looked they were about to explode! Don't want snowball gunk all over my microwave. The only downside was that some of the coconut stuff on the outer part got all burnt off, but I knew it would be totally worth it in the end. I could just feel it.
While throwing in some Hershey chocolate pieces so it could melt and make my Hot Balls amazing, I decided to watch England again. Then I started thinking. I mean, about all the memories I had with him. He was always sort of a dickhead in most of them, but ya know, I was gonna miss the angry little Brit. It used to be so much fun pissing him off. Like that time when he asked me to get his tea set, and I dropped it. Why would he need a whole tea set anyway? It's not like anyone else really likes his nasty tea and crumpets. Plus he doesn't even have friends, but what'ev. Wait, if I remember correctly, (since almost every time I see him we fight) later that day he yelled at me because he shares it with his magical gnome friends. Something like that. Heheh, he really was weird.
He used to be so cool though! I remember when he was all badass with his cool black feathery hat majigger. Then he got all small and whiny... Actually, I just got taller and cooler then him, which probably made him jealous like Martha Stewart is going to be. Remember kids, old people always get jealous when your better then them, or they throw the card that usually starts out like this, '-When I was a youngsterrrrr.' Like so, back in the day England would yell at me to be more like a gentleman, but I doubt any gentleman would go around stealing crap and taking over other countries.
But you know what; people go through phases in their lives like that. Like how I was a colony, and then became a country. And now I'm totally badass hero! (Wait no, I was ALWAYS a hero!) England went kind of downhill though. I don't know how he started out, but I'll start with his pirate years since those days are my earliest memories of him. He went from a pirate, to a stuffy old Brit, to a punk (with class apparently), to a stuffy old Brit again, and then to a zombie. That's actually pretty exciting. Except for the stuffy old Brit part.
While pondering about such days, a thought I hadn't really considered until now just sort of came to me. Maybe I shouldn't call him England anymore. You know, because when he wakes up, he won't be the same. That make sense? It's just, I should give him a totally kickass zombie name or something. Like how I came up with Tony's name. Isn't that a kickass name for an alien? I'm so good with names guys.
So, I was thinking about an awesome and original name for England. First, I thought about all of the annoying names that people always used to give him. I never really called England by a nickname before because it's kind of awkward considering our history together. It's like calling your mom in that weird shortened pet name your dad calls her by. Okay, I admit it, I watch too much TV. Anyway, that's the reason why I never called England anything other then, well, England.
I could simply just call England by one of his many boring names, promoting how amazing he was, like 'The Mighty British Empire.' I could even call him by the phrase, 'The British are coming, TROLOLOLOL~' but that would defeat the purpose of a nickname, wouldn't it... I remember France saying how he used to call England a caterpillar during the Medieval times when England grew out his hair. He swore he saw a 'giant caterpillar in the magnificent horizon.' That was a quote by France by the way, except he said it all French-like.
England's brothers called him all sorts of names too, but the only one I could actually remember off the top of my head was, 'The Asshole' and I don't hate England that much, so that's out of the question too. I guess there's also Japan, but he calls him England-san. His weird comics are completely different though, with me calling England "Iggy" for some strange reason, and England writhing underneath my manly girth. They were pretty funny until we were actually doing it...
ANYWAY.
Thinkin' up some badass names. Yep. France and England's bros ideas were probably not the best choices, mostly because they were longer than England's actual name. Japan's was actually sort of decent, though I still have no idea where the hell 'Iggy' came from, but I just went with it. Zomb Ig? Ig Zomb? Iggy Zombieman. Zombie Eng -
That's when my doorbell rang. You know, cause I always get visitors at what? 11 something at night? Well, I wasn't going to question it cause I did sort of find Zomb Bri-, hmm wait no, Zombie Iggy sounds better. Yeah. Has a ring to it.
So I opened the door. And guess who it was? It was that guy. Yeah, the one whose name that starts with a C, carrying the talking bear thing. Yeah, that one.
So, he was all awkwardly standing there, squeezing that poor bear to death. (Animal cruelty guys, I would never do that to ma Whale) and said, "Uhh, h-hey, it's um, Canada." Oh yeah, so it did start with a C. I'm so smart guys.
Giving him my coolest hero pose, and winning smile (Yeah, like Sheen, WINNING. Except I didn't do it like a dickhead.) I said, "Dude, why are you at my house, at I dunno," I checked my watch, "11:54?" Specifics are important guys.
He just stood there more awkward than before. If that's even possible, but hey, he pulled it off. "Uhh… well, I know this might sound… strange, but by any chance do you know where… France is?"
"Dude, why would I care?"
"Well, it's just I -, I couldn't find him anywhere!" Woah, he actually raised his voice. Not much though, cause it still sounded like whispering to me. I still put an exclamation mark there cause it was pretty loud for, uh, Canadia. It's not like I have super awesome hearing powers like Batman or anything, okay? Plus, what he said did sound strange. I mean, why would he want to get a hold of France?
"Why France?"
He got all quiet again. Guess my heroic voice got to him. "… It's personal."
"You can always tell the hero ma man!" I slapped his back as a friendly gesture, but he started coughing.
When he recovered, he said, "…No."
"DUUDDDEE!"
"…"
"Come 'on, please?"
"No."
"PLEASSEEE?"
"…"
Yeah, it went on like that for awhile. Damn, what's-his-face always being his Shrinking Violet self! (TV tropes are cool yo, and it describes Canadia to the T.)
So, Canadia was being a dickhead too, cause he wouldn't tell me the truth. What's with people these days? Can't trust them, I tell ya. Never trust them quiet ones.
To make things worse, he wouldn't leave. I got mad at him and flipped the bird while trying to close the door, but he totally put his bear in between it. I didn't want to be on Animal Cops Miami guys! I LOVE that show, and plus, what would I tell them? Dude sorry, I totally just strangled some talking bear-cub thing with a door that my weirdo bro what's-his-face always carries with him in the middle of the night because he was being a prick.
So in the end, he won.
I let him in because he was babbling about how he needs reassurance since he couldn't find France, and he just needs him SOOOO BAD. I didn't even know he knew France.
When he came in, I realized that my Hot Balls weren't hot anymore too. Which kind of sucks, because I named them Hot Balls for a reason you know. I originally made seven of them, and since Canadia was just sitting on my couch all awkward I asked him if he wanted one. He said no, and just acted all quiet and weird again. Wait no; he was like that before too. Oh well, more for me and Zombie Iggy I guess. (Yeah, I totally stuffed one in his mouth. It might buy me some time for when he wakes up and gets his creep back on. Heheh, creep. Lonely Island always makes amazin' troll songs. Plus, the band name describes Zombie Iggy perfectly!)
Speaking of Zombie Iggy, Canadia just sort of looked at him when he walked in. But he didn't say anything. Which is a good thing, because I wasn't about to answer him.
Instead, he started spilling his heart about France again and how he won't call back and yadi-yadi-ya, while I was munching on my Hot Balls, with Zombie Iggy just sort of chillin' on the side tied to a chair.
"And he, he never responded! I texted him, I called him, I voice mailed him, I even emailed him!" The poor, poor, Canadia cried.
I wasn't really paying attention, just nodding my head, like the amazing hero I am. Because heroes always listen to your problems. Like the last time when I went to the Universal Studios, I told Superman all about how England was being a douche because he said I was going to get fat on Micky D's. I kept on ranting until he said he had to leave to stop other injustices in the park. Then he oddly glanced at me one last time if I do say so myself, but to make up for it he left at lightning speed, just like a hero always should. He's so amazing. *Sniff*
Anyway, so Canadia just went on and on. While he was rambling, I checked my watch. It was 12:31. I really wanted to kick him out.
A/N: So Canada is here now, woo!
And no, I don't really like Snowballs. I tried one once, and it was absolutely disgusting! Never attempted heating up a Snowball, and making it into a s'more type of thing either...
And yes, England, *ahem*, I mean Zombie Iggy will awake sooner or later. Just not now. I mean who would after getting hit in the head by America twice? I'm sure any normal person would be in a coma. But, since he is a country, I'll use that as an excuse to wake him up sooner.
Oh yeah, and that Universal Studios thing, I really hope they still have they have that dressing up as characters from the movies thing going on like they do in Disneyland, because I faintly remember it like that from when I was a kid. The last time I went there I was 9 or 10, so sorry if I was wrong and they only do that in Disney. I do remember this guy standing on those stick things (Why can't I remember what they're called? ARRGHHH) walking around while I was waiting to go on The Mummy rollercoaster. Sooo, I assumed there's probably dudes dressed up as Superman. By the way, Disney is way better than the Universal Studios. Just thought I should mention that.
