Zombies are For Realz

Chapter 7: Maybe This Wasn't a Good Idea


"If he won't pick up for me, what makes you think he'll pick up for you?" Canadia was still pissed, if y'all couldn't tell from before.

But I ignored him and started dialing like crazy. Canadia had to tell me his number though, because I didn't have it on speed dial. Anyway, I wasn't going to let Canadia win this. I was going to prove to him that I DO care about England. Just not in the way that he thinks. Canadia was still just sort of sitting there all angry though.

Anyway, I was waiting on France to pick up.

After a few excruciatingly long moments (I hate waiting) did France actually pick up the phone. "Bonjour?" Rock on! Heheh, in your face Canadia. I knew France would totally pick up the phone for me.

Canadia looked all surprised at that, and tried to get closer to hear what France was saying. Mmm yeah, sweet taste of victory!

"France! Why did you nev—" Canadia started. But I cut him off, like he did when I was trying to tell him about England being a zombie. He deserved it.

"France ma man! You gotta help me out. And get Canadia out of my apartment." Seriously guys, I was desperate.

"…Who is this again?"

"Dude, check your caller ID." I forgot that France can be such an old man at times. Who doesn't remember my heroic voice? At this rate I might as well have called Prussia.

"Ohhh! My adorable l'Amerique. You see, I am… very… busy right now. Talk to me about whatever your little heart desires tomorrow," he said all breathily. Plus he pronounced adorable more like "Ah-door-ab-al." And I'm not adorable guys. I'm hot.

But I really needed him if I wanted to get Canadia out of my house, so I let it slide. Canadia was like that annoying next door neighbor that just won't leave you alone. I mean, it was like the Diary of a Wimpy kid all over again! Except I'm not wimpy. Love that book guys.

Anyway, back to France. What he said was weird. And I mean, weirder than his usual weird. Who's busy at 1 o'clock at night? But seriously, at this rate he was going to hang up on me in minutes.

So, to sound as desperate as I possibly could, I said, "No France, I'm beggin' ya, I need ya now!" Like them beggin' strips.

At that he just started laughing all crazily and stuff. I mean, I'm funny, don't get me wrong, but I think he was taking it a little too far. He was all like, "Honhonhon…HONHONHONHON—"

France seriously sounded like he was on dope or something. And if he was, then I wouldn't be surprised. I mean woah, I don't even think he took the time out to breathe. He was at it for like five minutes straight. Maybe it wasn't a good idea calling him.

"…Dude?" I was just silent on the other end, because really, what are you supposed to say when the guy you're talking to is just crazily laughing for no reason? This was a lot harder than I thought. But I guess I shouldn't be complaining. France has always been really strange; I guess this is the reason why England has always told me not to try to contact him after 7 at night.

Suddenly he just stopped. It was weird because he was laughing on the other end like a la crackhead or whateva Frenchies call it for like, five or six minutes straight.

Then he said as calmly as possible, like none of that just happened, "…Well, I will talk to you tomorrow then." What kind of crack comedy was this guys?

"NO! Wait, don't leave me hanging babe!" I felt like I was in a soap opera or something. I mean, the drama! It was like All My Children.

By the way guys, I miss that show so much. I was so upset at the ending, so many things were just unexplained! Did anyone get hurt at the last episode when J.R. just went and shot into the party? And what happened to David? And why did Erica not marry Jackson? I mean seriously, the last episode just left me completely in the dark. Not cool yo, I've been watching that show since the 70's. I was obsessed with that show the way Zombie Iggy is with Doctor Who. Except All My Children's better of course.

Anyway, back to my epic story guys. So, France was like, 'Zhat?' or whateva. So yeah, I knew I had to spill the beans for him to help me out. So I started from the beginning to why Canadia got mad at me.

"Okay… You see, I stuffed my Hot Balls in England's mouth, but then he started choking." All of a sudden France got really quiet.

I took that as a good sign, cause at least he wasn't laughing all crazily anymore. I think Canadia was saying something too, but I ignored him and went on.

"And Canadia got really mad at me for stuffing the whole thing down. He tried helping out in his own way, but he sucks so he made me do it." I paused for a moment, but France still didn't say anything so I just went on. "I tried my best, but he passed out after I got them out. So now it's just me and Canadia."

Then it got quiet. Too quiet…

After about a minute and a half, France said quietly, "I, see…" Like he was thinking about all of this really, really hard.

"Yeah…"

Even Canadia didn't say anything. Wait, never mind, he probably did but I just didn't hear him.

Just when I thought France actually understood what I meant, he started to annoyingly laughing again. Like this, "—Honhonhonhon."

This time he didn't go on for another five minutes and said, "…You were all having fun without me then?"

"Uh, sure I guess?" I didn't know what he was trying to get at, but I dunno, whatever floats his boat.

"HONHONHON! Then I will be there shortly!" He said and started laughing all crazily on the other end again before hanging up.

Oh shiz. I forgot to tell him to bail me out with Canadia.

.

When France said that he was going to be here shortly, he really meant it. After about two minutes he barged through my apartment door like a crazed maniac. If y'all are wondering how even got here that fast, I'm sorry to say, but I have no clue.

Canadia and I were just chillin' on my couch before he showed up. I even got Canadia to promise me he won't untie Zombie Iggy as long as he gets to talk to France about his "issue" or whatever. Sweet!

So yeah, France just barged in outta nowhere and was looking at us expectantly for some weird reason. When he saw us both chillin' on my couch he looked a little disappointed. What did he expect us to be doing while he we were waiting for him to show up?

Nevertheless, he just started, "Honhonhonhon!~" all over again.

"France, why did you come here with no pants!" Canadia cried. Oh yeah, forgot to say he wasn't wearing any. My bad.

He gave both of us this arrogant (and annoying) French-look, and did the unthinkable. Well, at least to me it was unthinkable, unless you think about dicks and massage oils all day like France. "Mon cher you should know why! How can you and l'Amerique have fun without ZIS?" Yeah guys, you know where I'm going with this. France totally whipped out his junk in the middle of my living room.

Of course, I was caught off guard, so my eyes were burning like the new Volcano Menu at Taco Bell. (And let me tell ya, I found out why it was called "Volcano" the hard way.) To put this all in simpler terms, you would understand if you were there. I was surprised France wasn't already arrested for running around publicly nude, because only gay liberals and skanky hoes in California are allowed to do that. Jeez.

"Umm…" Canadia stuttered. For the first time in Canadia's life he actually had a reason to be at loss for words.

If I thought that England turning into a zombie was bad, this was a million times worse. After looking at the glint in France's eyes, I had this bad feeling he wasn't going to leave anytime soon either. It's a good thing Tony's away and ma Whale's asleep.

"Uh, dude, what are you talking about?"

"What are you talking about?" he waggled his eyebrows suggestively. Then he almost fell over my bean bag. Yeah, I keep my bean bags in my living room, so I can play hardcore video games all day and so my ass won't hurt.

Canadia gave me a quick look before walking towards France. And I'm glad he did, because I didn't know how long I was going to last with France exposing himself in my living room like that.

I swear I'm going to be having nightmares tonight about zombies and French dicks now! ARRGHHHHHH!


A/N: SUPER FAST UPDATE MODE! Oh, and the Olympics start today. WOOOOOOOOOO!

…Okay, I'm good now. Just needed to get that out of my system. So guess what? The Olympics are starting guys! I'm so excited! Because you know how Americans get when it comes to anything that has to do with sports. I can't wait for the gymnastics section. :D I was going to write a fic about it, but decided against it because I still have two fics that I haven't finished. My hands are full.

I didn't reread over this, so sorry for stupid mistakes and such. I'll fix it eventually.

So to speak, I find it funny that this is a USxUK fic, yet England hasn't had one line other than random grunts. Ahahaha~

Oh, and no explicit scenes in this one. Because I suck at those. And I'll leave France to y'alls wild imagination. But it'll have some semi-ish ones later I guess… Just not you know, page long stuff, because that can get tedious.