The light pressing against his eyelids confuses him. There is a difference to the silence: It is not the echory, lack-of-sound of Thanos' caverns, but the crowded peace of his own chamber in Asgard. Eyes still closed, Loki runs his hands down his body. By now though, he is awake enough that the feel of his old bearskin bed-covering is no surprise. He opens his eyes... At first his heart lifts, just to find himself back in his chamber. Then close-on, there follows a jolt: What of his comrades?
But how to find out? Magic has set his morning meal on the table just as it always does. There come no guards, no messengers. Is Odin's ban on visits still in place? – If he shouts loudly enough, will the old man hear and perhaps come himself? He can stand out in the cursed hall, if caution is so strong in him. His son... – Not his son... Curse it, Loki – just fought a Titan for the sake of five of his best warriors. Does he not at least deserve to know if they returned safely?
Thoughts crowd, a confusion of thoughts: Anger, resentment, leftover fear from the battle, and small traces of new fear, as he remembers the Titan's final words to him. Out of bed, Loki paces, plucking at the hem of his tunic, and wondering how he can learn what he so desperately craves to know.
Soft footsteps in the hall outside: He almost misses the sound, so consumed is he by his own thoughts. Then he hears the latch lifting, and he turns toward the door. Frigga's face in the doorway is a surprise.
"Mother?" He does not go to her. Too much has passed, and he cannot give way to the childish longing. But she comes to him. Her arms go around him, and he smells the sweet almond-and-rose scent that was always hers.
"Loki." The same soft voice as always, and there is no rejection there, no judgment, despite all he has done. "My son. You came back, but I could not go to you because I dared not. And now..."
And now what?
"Mother." He cups her hands inside both of his and looks down, seeing only love in her eyes. "What of Thor, Mother? Is he back too? And Sif? And the Warriors..."
She cuts him off. "So many questions, child! How can I answer them all at once?"
Thor then: Tell me about my brother.
"Thor came and woke me this morning. He told me a story of how you had broken his enchantment. Even now, he is with your father, Loki, and telling him the same story. It was a brave rescue, and will earn you your freedom surely."
"It was not my own only." Whence comes the honesty? Perhaps only from the knowledge that Odin will hear of the part the others played regardless, and will think better of him if he acknowledges it from the start. "I had help. The Warriors Three, and Thor: I could not have done anything without them." Loki swallows. The next bit is harder. It will take away freedom barely promised, and not yet delivered. "Neither was it a complete rescue," he says, low-voiced. "At the last, ere I woke, I heard Thanos' voice: His claim on me is not broken. Mother," – It is the hardest thing he has ever had to say. – "I cannot accept release from this prison for, if I am free, will this whole thing not start again?"
"You must talk to your father about that." Frigga's voice, as always, soothes just by the mere sound of it. "He wants to talk to you now, Loki. I came only to bring you to him. He wanted a messenger, and I offered, because it has been so long since I have seen my son."
"Mother." A thousand beautiful memories flood his mind. He remembers cuddling close, while Frigga read stories, and carrying the basket for her, while she picked roses in her garden. She is Mother because his heart believes her so; irrelevant that they do not share the same bloodline. "You know what I am. – You know what I did."
"I know you are my son. I have been hoping that when you came back, you would be ready to understand that."
Together, they leave the cell. Together, they walk the corridors leading to Odin's throne room. Then the great double doors open and he is walking down the golden carpet toward All-Father's throne. Ahead, he sees Odin talking to Thor. – To his son. But what is his connection to the old man, who took him as pawn for his negotiations, and yet raised him as a...
"Father." At the foot of Odin's throne he kneels, and calls him by the name that he has always used, whether it is true or not. Does it matter right now if it is true? He has more important matters to consider, surely.
"My son." Odin's face is above him, as it was when he was a child. He looks up, and try as he might, he can see nothing but love in the old man's one-eyed gaze. "I heard what you did, how you saved not only your brother, but his comrades as well. My son tell me, why? Why did you do it?"
Why? At once the anger starts. Before he can speak however, Loki hears Thor's voice. "Father, is it not enough that Loki did it? It was an act of great heroism." There's a roughness in his brother's voice, and a warm light in his blue eyes that warms Loki's heart. "He risked himself to save all of us."
"Be quiet, Thor." No anger in the old man's voice, – Of course not, he is talking to his son. – but perfect clearness. "This is something your brother must tell me."
"Why, All-Father?" –
"Say 'Father'." Odin speaks with emotion; if Loki did not know better, he'd think the old man near tears. "As you did before. And stand, son. I would not have you below me."
"Father..." – The word struggles past his lips. – "Father, you ask why I did what I did. In truth, I know not." Truth? Why speaks the Liesmith of "truth"? Confused, Loki responds without thought, saying what first comes to his mind only. "Thanos is an enemy," he says. "He came to me in my dreams and tortured me. Then when he came for my..."
Odin's voice, toned low: "For your brother, Loki?"
He is putting words in Loki's mouth. He is controlling this conversation, as he always has to control everything. But they are true words; they are the words he was trying to say. "Yes, for my brother." Bitterness floods him. "For the Golden One," He spits the words. "For the one who is your true son, and not the rejected spawn of a half-mad brute. – For your heir, who walks easily into the role of King, whether or not he has the ability to reign, while I must always be in his shadow..."
Loki swallows. This wasn't what he meant to say. "I did it because I know what Thanos is," he says, "and I didn't want him to have... I didn't want him to have my brother."
"Loki!" Thor's voice, choked with emotion. "You feel that way..."
"Shhh." Again, Odin silences him. "You did it because there are some things that matter to you more than destruction. Is that not right, my son?"
Loki nods, albeit unwillingly. He would not give Odin control of the conversation this way.
"Your ally, Thanos, used you to destroy. He could do that, as long as you thought that's what you wanted."
"But can he not still use me? His last words..." Loki breaks off, remembering the Titan-God's threats.
"Those were words only. – Tell me, who do you fight for, son?" A change of subject. Loki could figure out Odin's thought process, if he had more time ...and if the emotions were not so strong.
Honest answer, surprised out of him: "I fight for myself."
Odin nods, as if expecting this. "And?"
"And..." A pause. "...And for those I love," Loki says.
"That is how you are different from Thanos, who loves only death." Odin rises from his throne. "My old bones grow cold. Sons, let us walk outside. I would feel the sun warming my shoulders."
It is the first time Loki has been outside since he returned to Asgard. The air is sweet, the sound of bird-calls inexpressibly musical.
"My son," – Outside, and walking through Frigga's rose garden, Odin continues. – "I saw the Titan's touch on you, when you came back from Midgard. I saw that in your anger, you had allowed another to control you. – Another who was in truth, no stronger than yourself. If I had told you then, would you have listened?"
Loki does not speak. In truth, they both know the answer.
"I had to keep you away from my people, son, until such time as you realized you did not need to serve as Thanos' tool. My miscalculation:" His voice falters. "I should have realized Thor would go to you as soon as he came back from Midgard." Odin's voice grows rough. "I very nearly lost both my sons."
"You should have realized indeed, Father." Thor pulls Loki close, a tight hug that ...in truth, feels good. "But you should also have realized that my brother would never let me be destroyed."
"After what you told me... The things he did on Midgard..."
"Mere scratches," says Thor.
Scratches! The blade in his belly. The cage, meant for the green monster, that would have hurtled him into the sea. His brother is a fool.
"Thor," – He must speak. He must make himself understood. – "I would have killed you." ...But would he have? Were any of the blows he dealt mortal ones?
"Why did you do it, brother?" They are under the willow together, in Frigga's garden, with Odin watching and nodding his approval from the bench beside them. When Thor takes his hands and turns to look into his eyes, it is one more strange part, in a very strange situation.
"The invasion?" Loki's lips are stiff. He wonders if he should pull away, look away from his brother's gaze. But he doesn't want to. Thor's hands are warm, and there's love in his blue eyes.
"The entire thing. The..." A gesture. Thor, ever the one with the way with words. "The ...the Bifrost. Brother, why did you throw yourself into the void instead of coming home with Father and me?"
What, go to their home? So they could blame him for what he had already done? Words start to his lips, but Loki does not say them. They belong to a past time, and speak of an anger he feels no more.
"I would not speak in front of All-Father," he murmurs, and it is all he says.
Odin nods. "Nor need you, my son. He stands, still bending the same warm gaze on Thor and Loki. "I was just thinking to find Frigga. There is a nematode problem in one of her roses that she asked me to look at. – Lest you still worry son, Thanos' hold on you is fully broken." He puts a hand on Loki's shoulder. "You broke it when you defied him and fought for your comrades. You may speak to your brother freely, and no harm will come to him."
"All my life you have been there for me." Scarce waiting for Odin's head to vanish past the hedge, into the rose garden, Thor pulls Loki close in a tight hug. "It felt wrong when we were apart. We should be fighting on the same side, not against each other."
"You took me for granted." His head rests against Thor's chest; his words come out muffled, by his big arms.
"And you taught me not to do that." Thor laughs an uneven laugh, like a laugh-near-tears.
"You'll forget again." Is it strange that he feels almost near tears himself? "You were never the clever one, brother."
"That is why I need you. – We complete each other, Loki: Your brains and my strength..."
The words ring wrong. Thor is taking the initiative again, and telling his little shadow how things will be. Loki pulls free, refuses the tempting warmth of his brother's embrace. "I am not a weakling."
"No." Earnest shake of Thor's head; it sends all his blond hair flying. "Nor yet am I the fool you sometimes call me. We are..." He gestures again,. "When I saw you coming to me in that dank cavern, I thought..."
You thought what?
"I thought, 'the world makes sense again, for Loki is friend, not foe." Fumbling, stumbling words, from one who will never be gifted at speaking. Somewhere along the way Thor has taken his hands again, and the pressure of his big calloused ones feels good. "I thought, 'I have my brother back.'"
"But we are not brothers."
"No, but it is not just brothers who love."
"Comrades." The word comes into his mind, and Loki speaks it. He never thought that word would sound as good to him as it does now. "Shield-brothers. Your friends..." Now it is his turn to fumble. "The Warriors Three... We worked well together in the dream realm."
Thor rumbles a laugh. "Volstagg told me. He said something about the food Thanos gave him. How did you know he loves rice pudding, brother?"
"The Voluminous?" Wherefore the nervous edge to his own laughter, where Thor's sounds so natural? "Is there a food he does not love? ...And Hogun," Loki says. "Did he say anything?"
"He said he was now as much a Liesmith as you are..." Thor falters. There's silence for a moment. "He said he hoped you did not believe all of what he said during the contest."
A nod. Sharper, tenser than he'd like it to be. "No specifics?"
"Should there have been, brother?"
Perhaps the grim warrior is right, Loki thinks. Let the past bury its secrets, and move on from there to have a better future. But how to build anything on pain denied? That way lies only more anger, that others can use against him.
"He said harsh things." Loki swallows. "They did not have the sound of lies. – He was ever your friend, not mine, Thor. He, and the other two ...and Sif."
Confusion clouds the blue eyes. Thor looks to be fumbling, and for a long time he is silent. Finally he speaks. "I know not how it lies between you and my friends, brother. I do know you can be comrade without being friend. All you need is to have shared purpose." It is surprisingly insightful, coming from the clumsy warrior.
"I would be your friend then," Loki says, "and not your comrade merely."
Again silence. Then, "I would be more to you than a friend, Loki."
A brother. He means a brother, despite their different bloodlines, despite the fact that he spawn of a race of monsters. "We are not brothers, Thor..."
We can never be... The last of his statement never gets spoken. Loki opens his mouth, only to have Thor cover it with his. A kiss? But why? It coincides neither with reality nor with reason. But it feels right, it feels like completion. They are two parts of one whole. One is smart and crafty, the other brave and wholly sincere. How did he ever think to sever the one side from the other?
"Shield-brothers and lovers." His lips tingle from the roughness of Thor's beard. "More than brothers, more than comrades..."
"Shhh." Thor puts a big finger over Loki's mouth. "Not everything can be done with words." Again he is taking control, Loki thinks, but for once, he doesn't mind.
