I'm lookin' for a reason to stay

I'm all wound up and tired enough today

I'm lookin' for a reason not to go

Lookin' for a Reason / CCR

. . .

August 2007

As Bella pushed a lock of hair back from her eyes, a flash in the mirror caught her eye. Freezing her hand, she examined the pretty ring that sat on her left ring finger. It was obviously old, the silver slightly tarnished, but the diamonds shone bright. Her smile widened as a pair of cold arms slid around her waist, and Edward's head propped on her shoulder, smiling at her in the mirror. Turning her head slightly, Bella pressed a kiss to his cheek, a smile tugging at her lips.

"You're gorgeous," Edward murmured, spinning her about softly. He gripped her waist and placed her atop the counter.

Slowly, his fingers trailed across her cheekbones, taking in the ever so soft flesh of her cheeks, absolutely thrilled with the way it warmed, pinked up under his touch. Then, he made the descent down her neck, and she let her head tip back, baring her throat to him. Growling in the back of his throat, Edward ran his nose down her neck, his tongue running along the throbbing vein in her neck. Bella shivered, letting out a small gasp. Before she was even realizing it, she was drawing a parallel between when Edward's current movements and the thing Jasper had done those few months ago.

With his signature crooked smile, Edward pulled her in for a kiss, desperate for her taste on his tongue. Of course, he'd rather have her on the bed, writhing under his tongue, but they had to leave for class in a few minutes. Not that he probably couldn't make her fall apart in that amount of time.

…And he had just convinced himself. Screw his idea to wait until marriage. He had to have her, see her orgasm, hear her moan his name. His hands skimmed down her sides to her hips, then began to make their descent back up, pulling her shirt with them. Before the shirt could get to her ribs, a chirping noise came from their side. Though Bella pulled back, Edward simply moved his lips to her neck, sucking at her skin, earning quiet whimpers from her. Finally, her eyes had focused on the message on her phone.

A picture of Jasper laid next to the text. Howdy, kitten.

Bella lit up, reaching her arms around Edward's neck to respond. Howdy yourself, cowboy. Long time no talk. How's the soul searching?

Irritated, Edward pulled away from her collarbones where he had been laying open-mouthed kisses, frowning at Bella. His eyes caught sight of a flash of blonde next to a message before Bella flicked the phone's screen off.

"Bella," he sighed, taking a step back. He leaned against the wall behind him, rubbing his hands over his face. His mouth had been on her neck, playing at all the right places and Jasper took precedence. How? How?

"Yeah?" she asked, chewing at her slightly kiss swollen bottom lip. Edward couldn't help the pang of lust that coursed through him at the sight, but at the moment, his anger was dominant.

"Why is Jasper more important to you than me?"

Taken aback, Bella stared at him for a few moments, trying to process what he'd asked. "I don't know what you mean," she said slowly.

"You don't know what I mean?" he asked incredulously, narrowing his eyes at her. "We were being intimate-" Had he not been so angry and she so confused, Bella would have burst out laughing. Intimate. His mouth on her neck was so being intimate. God. "-and you completely blew me off for my brother who, if you do remember, has tried to kill you. And toyed with the idea more times than you could fathom."

Bella rose her brows at him, pressing her lips together. Slightly, her eyes narrowed, and she sighed, her fingers pushing through her messy, wavy locks. "Okay. I'm sorry. He hadn't contacted me in a while, and I figured that I shouldn't just ignore him. You never know what could have-"

"Why do you care? That's my question." As gently as he could, Edward gripped her upper arms, looking desperately into her eyes. "My brother is not a good person. He's dangerous and volatile, and you know his feelings toward you. If that's what you could even call them. He wants to kill you, Bella. And moreo-"

With a frown, Bella cut him off. "And so do you. I'm your singer or whatever. You obviously want to kill me, too, and so does your family. With the exception of Carlisle."

Edward flinched, but shook his head, not to be deterred by her protests. "And moreover, you know what other things he wants to do to you."

He gave Bella a look, and her shiver was a confirmation. He took the shiver of one of fear, but the emotion that trilled down her spine was anything but. More delight than anything else. Because Jasper wanted to fuck her pretty little mouth. He'd said so quite a few times. Oddly, Bella found no disgust in that admission. Actually, it turned her on quite a bit. Before she could let herself go down that path and let Edward in on her secret, she cleared her throat and looked up at him.

"Bella, staying away from him is the safest thing to do." To emphasize his statement, he gave her upper arms a squeeze.

"Kay," she said in a noncommittal tone.

Every night I ask myself again.

'Cause what it was that made my dream begin?

x x x

October 2007

Edward paced angrily near the entrance of the door, his hands balled into fists at his sides. It was two in the morning and she still wasn't back. Unacceptable. The sound of a car driving up caught his attention, and he froze, staring out the front window a sleek, black car came to a stop. Instead of Bella's familiar form in the front seat, Edward caught sight of a tall, well-built man with dark hair. Bella was in the passenger seat. Carefully, Edward watched as she leaned over and kissed the boy on the cheek. Anger surged through him, but he stayed impassive as he leaned against the wall beside the front door.

Bella walked in, her hair thrown into a messy ponytail. Edward stayed silent, waiting for her to realize that he was there. Which, in a few moments, she did. With a sharp gasp, Bella stumbled back a few steps, her hand flying to her chest; her heart hammered against her ribs. Closing her eyes and hanging her head slightly, Bella shook her head, her heart rate slowing down slightly.

"Jesus," she swore, pushing a stray lock of hair away from her face, "why are you just standing there like that?"

"Who was that?" Edward asked frigidly.

"Matt. He's a friend of mine." With a small frown, she walked past her boyfriend who was acting stranger than usual, gently placing her bag that contained her laptop onto the kitchen table.

"Why the hell are you coming home at two a.m?" He was absolutely livid. Two in the morning on a Friday and coming home with a man. He had no idea what she had been doing.

"I was helping Matt with his algebra. His sister Anna and I got on well." Bella's frown deepened, but she gave Esme, who was waiting in the kitchen, a smile and a brief hug.

"I'm sure," Edward responded skeptically.

A quiet sigh came from Bella, and she poked through the fridge, finally coming out with a half-gallon of milk. Esme handed her a cup, and Bella took it with a smile. She had decided that she would just ignore Edward. It seemed like the best thing to do. If she ignored him, they couldn't argue. Pouring the glass half-full of milk, Bella walked to the pantry, unzipping her jacket.

God, she was starving. Absolutely ravenous. As she looked through the contents, she popped off her shoes, nudging them into a corner. Although she knew that when she needed to wear them again, she wouldn't be able to find them, she couldn't bring herself to care.

"What did you work on?" Edward pressed.

"Why do you care?" Bella asked as she walked out of the pantry - literally her favorite part of the new house in Hanover - and frowned over at him.

"Because he brought you home in his car at two in the morning." How did she not understand? He was her fiancé; they were getting married. She couldn't just be out at two in the morning with another guy.

"And Anna was in the back seat. We weren't really sure what time it was. I fell asleep on the couch."

"You fell asleep?" Edward growled. "I'm sure you 'fell asleep'."

Before things could get too far, Esme stepped between a furious Edward and a confused and hurt Bella.

"Enough," Esme growled.

Taking a step back, Bella retreated upstairs, sans milk. She had no idea what was happening with Edward. He was freaking out over literally nothing and had been for some while now. Holing herself up in bed, she pulled out her phone.

Pulling up Jasper's number, she sent him a quick message. If I asked nicely, would you come to Hanover?

Nearly instantly, there was a reply. Hi to you, too, kitten. Wait, why are you even up? And maybe…if you begged. You'd have to be really convincing.

Mood instantly uplifted, Bella ventured out of bed, walking to her closet as she responded, I went over to a friend's dorm to help him with some math. I like his sister, so I stayed a bit longer. Edward freaked the absolute fuck out. So, irritated. I might just beg. Going insane.

The next response came with a bit of a delay, and Bella changed for bed. While she was washing her face, the next message came. Drying off her hands, her face white with soap. I'd say punch him but you might break yourself and you need those lovely hands for something.

Chuckling quietly, Bella rinsed off her face, feeling fully refreshed. And what would those things need to be?

As much as she hated to admit it, Bella was eager to read his answer. When her phone chirped, she nearly dropped her phone in her haste to pick it up and read it. Use your imagination, kitten.

A small shudder rolled down her spine, and she bit at her lip. As much as she hated to admit it, the endless possibilities absolutely thrilled her. God, what was wrong with her? She was engaged, getting married to the man that she adored. Of course, though, love had nothing to do with her liking to Jasper's racy texts. It was just the fact that she was so sexually frustrated that she was sure she was going to burst. She left Jasper's last message unanswered as she tucked herself in for bed, relieved when Edward didn't join her.

It seemed like a good idea way back then.

Well, I'm wondering now what daydream took me in.

x x x

January 2008

Although Bella knew that a new year for the Cullens was a trivial thing - they'd all been around for upwards of seventy years, seen that many new years - but Bella couldn't help but be touched by their gesture. Party hats, food, watching the dropping of the ball, the whole bit. It was all something that Bella had never done, but it was an experience all the same that she quite enjoyed.

"Happy new year!" came a cheer from the television and the crowd around alike.

Not but a second after the 12:00:00 appeared on screen, a text message blipped up on Bella's phone. While she accepted a kiss from Edward, Bella looked down at the phone. It was a picture of Jasper, looking like a grumpy child with a party hat on and a noisemaker in his mouth. Bella let out a bright laugh, turning on the camera on her phone and turning it toward herself. Eyes bright and a grin in place, she snapped a picture. Edward seethed silently, glaring over at her as she sent the message.

Before anything could erupt as it had been for the past few months, Esme came up next to Bella. "Mind if we take a picture together?" the motherly vampire asked her human daughter with a smile.

Eyes flickering first to Edward, who was visibly angry, then back to Esme, flashing her a broad smile. "Sure." Turning the camera back to them, she flashed a smile, quickly taking the picture. "I'll put this as your picture on my phone." Quickly, she did so before showing it to Esme with a smile.

"It's lovely," Esme reassured, pressing a kiss to Bella's forehead before heading off to talk with Carlisle quietly.

Pointedly ignoring Edward, Bella walked to the table with food. All of Bella's favorites were there; all day, Esme and she had been baking up sweets. Cookies, cupcakes, cinnamon buns, brownies. Bella took great joy in covering Esme from head to toe in various ingredients, and Esme the same. There was still chocolate in both women's hair, but neither one cared a bit.

Soon, Bella's phone went off. Stuffing a cookie into her mouth, she read it while she chewed, smiling at Jasper's comment.

You work the hat much better than I do.

Attempting to balance a cupcake and text at the same time, Bella responded with a bit of difficulty and got icing on the screen of her phone. I could have told you that and saved you the effort of putting on the hat.

Licking the icing off the top of her cupcake, Bella looked up at Emmett who came to lean against the table. "You really made a dent in this food, kid," he said, looking impressed.

A blush coming to her cheeks, Bella shrugged a bit. "Yeah. I know. It's just so amazing."

"Do you have a hollow leg?"

"Or three," Bella responded with an impish smile, taking a bite of her cupcake.

Mussing her hair, Emmett studied her phone as it went off. "Jasper?" he assumed.

Unashamed, Bella nodded, her eyes flickering to the phone. Yeah, but I lost a bet. Charlotte made me wear it.

Bella responded with a simple: Who's Charlotte?

"You guys text a lot," Emmett observed, picking up a cookie from a platter. He tossed it back and forth in his hands, his eyes on his human. Yes. His. His sister, his human. He'd kill the asshole who tried to hurt her. It had taken practically the entire family to hold him back when he had found out that Edward had left Bella in the woods. Fucking woods. The girl was tiny and clumsy as fuck. How could she have expected to get back to her house? Even just thinking about it, Emmett was growing angry.

"Yes," Bella agreed slowly, unsure what he was getting at. She was painfully aware of Edward's shrewd stare on her.

"Good."

Bella's head snapped up, surprised, her chewing pausing for the time being. "Good?" she questioned through a mouthful of food.

Chuckling, Emmett nodded. "Yeah. Jasper's never had a friend before. He can be a bit of an asshole sometimes, but overall, he's a really good guy."

Brightening, Bella swallowed, nodding her head. "I'm glad someone else sees that."

Clapping a hand - which, in size, was more like a paw, Bella observed - on her shoulder, Emmett nodded, smiling at her. There was something in his eyes, though, and Bella frowned a bit. He seemed a bit troubled. Emmett was never troubled. Ever. Volturi? Italian freaks. James and his friends? Let them come. Never troubled, so why did he appear to be now. As quick as she picked it up, it was gone, and Rose was coming over to speak with him, murmuring quietly in his ear, seeming a bit irritated.

Politely averting her eyes, Bella turned them to her phone, trying to ignore the feeling that Rosalie and Emmett were talking about her. A message came, and she opened her messages from Jasper, tipping her head to the side as she saw a pretty blonde vampire with ruby red eyes smiling at the camera. The caption was simple: Hi, I'm Charlotte.

A small smile tugged at her lips and Bella quickly sent back a response. Bella. Lovely to…meet you? I guess that's the right phrase? Or nice to see your face? I don't know. She couldn't get anymore awkward.

The reply came in a few moments; Bella could feel Rosalie's harsh gaze on her. You're cute. Jasper says you'd be fun to eat. Come visit sometime.

Tipping her head to the side, she studied the message. Strange, but in a weird way, it was kind of cute. Now she wanted to know Charlotte; she seemed like a person Bella would get along with.

Promise, Bella responded.

And she was serious. She did want to meet Charlotte. It seemed she wouldn't be gentle with her, treat her like she was glass, even in conversation. Bella was eager to properly meet her. Of course, though, she'd have to talk with Edward, and with how he was acting lately, she was unsure if he would agree. Fuck that. If she wanted to go, she would.

She knew, though, that although she could think in a badass manner, it would not be the case when she actually had to confront Edward. Which, in reality, she shouldn't have to confront her fiancé about anything, ask his permission to go and see someone. Goddamn. It occurred to her that she was becoming increasingly less interested and happy in her relationship. A deep frown turned at her lips at the realization. Why? Before she could think more on the subject, Alice had pulled her attention, and Bella headed over to the pixie, still slightly troubled.

Yesterday I tried once more to find the way to share the trouble on my mind.

x x x

March 2008

The door closed, and Bella's eyes shot open. Keeping herself still, her breathing still deep, she listened for a while. The front door closed. Carefully, holding the sheets to her, she got to her feet, creeping to the window. A blur matching the colors Edward was wearing was zipping quickly out into the forest.

Pushing her messy hair back from her face, Bella pulled the sheet closer to her, walking into the bathroom. She was sore and sticky with sweat; she felt absolutely disgusting. And completely unsatisfied. Turning on the shower, she dropped the sheets, examining herself in the full length mirror. All over her body, but particularly centered around her hips, ribs, and upper arms, there were red splotches that throbbed painfully that were bound to bruise. Fantastic.

Stepping into the shower, she set at scrubbing the thin layer of sweat from her body. It took her a while before she was sufficiently clean, and she leaned her head fully under the spray, letting it run over her face. She stayed there, holding her breath, until she couldn't take it anymore and she took a step back, gasping slightly for air.

As she finally got out of the shower, Bella thought back on the school year that was winding to a close. Things with Edward had not been good at all. He'd been more overprotective than usual, hostile, even. A month ago, she had figured that she wasn't the only one who was absolutely beyond sexually frustrated. Turns out, she was right, and there was not much coercion to be had for her to finally have sex with Edward.

It wasn't really fantastic. At all. Actually, it was quite boring. Always in the bed, always with the same moves, and although Edward looked as though he could do the most fantastic things with his piano fingers, that was not exactly the case. He fumbled. A lot. And he seemed incapable of realizing the significance of stimulation on her clit. Orgasms were very rare for Bella, unfortunately.

The hostility and overprotectiveness had not waned at all. If anything, they'd deepened. If she was out a minute past when she said she would be home, he freaked out. If she was going out and having coffee with a friend, he freaked out. She wanted to rip her hair out. But more than anything, she just wanted to leave, and that terrified her. Absolutely and utterly terrified her.

Edward had been her first and only relationship. He'd hurt her, sure, but they'd gotten through it all. Now, they were engaged, getting married in June, and she just wanted to pack up and leave, just run. Of course, she wasn't sure where she would go, but she didn't care. If she had to fucking hitchhike, it would be worth it. She was suffocating; Edward was absolutely overpowering her. She just couldn't take it anymore. The realization had been coming for some time, but now that it was fully formed, it was terrifying.

I used to like it here; I can't remember why.

Not really knowing what else to do, Bella pulled out her phone, still huddled in her towel, and texted Jasper with a simple: Okay, so I'm freaking the fuck out.

The reply was almost instantaneous. Why's that, kitten?

Bella pushed her fingers through her wet hair, closing her eyes tightly for a moment. I don't know if I can do this, Jasper. I don't know if I can marry Edward. He's just been so…I don't know. Just terrible since we've been here. I thought the sex would help, but if anything it's made everything words. She just couldn't help spilling her guts to Jasper. He always knew exactly what to say. Maybe it wasn't therapeutic, but it always helped in some small way, even if it was just to make her smile or take her side on something.

This was sooner than I expected. Come to Texas. Peter and Char want to meet you.

He made it sound so fucking simple and so damn appealing. She wanted nothing more than to do just that. I don't want to hurt him, though.

A delay came in the next message, and she was surprised to find that he was calling her, this time. Bella blinked at her phone in surprise. Why was he calling her? They never talked on the phone. Never. It was mostly because they both lived in a house with vampires, and if you spoke, they could hear literally everything you said. If you texted, all they could hear was clicking. They didn't know what you said. With her surprise was excitement. It'd been nearly a year since she'd heard Jasper's voice.

"Hello?" she asked hesitantly. Sure, the caller ID said Jasper, but she was still somewhat skeptical.

"Hey, kitten." Bella couldn't help but smile. His voice was deep, rich, perfectly smooth, like honey with a southern twist.

"Hi, Jasper." Putting the call on speaker phone, she pulled on some clothes. Typically, she would have worn something of Edward's, a shirt or maybe some sweatpants, but at the moment, she wasn't too fond of him, so she stuck with her clothes.

"So, you and Edward are having weird times?"

Bella sighed a bit, bending over and twisting her hair up in her towel. "Yeah," she agreed, putting the phone back to her ear. "Just a second."

"'Kay."

Heading downstairs, she waved to Esme, who was frowning softly. She'd heard what Jasper had said, and now she was worrying for her son and daughter both. Despite how he'd been acting Esme knew that Edward adored Bella, and she didn't want to see his heart broken. But at the same time, she understood Bella's troubles and sided with her in some way. It was all just so confusing, but she knew one thing for sure: she did not want to lose either one of them.

Finally finding solace in her car, Bella switched to bluetooth and pulled out of the driveway. "Okay, I'm here again."

"Good. So, is Edward just being his typical dick self?"

"Kind of. Worse, though. I go out for coffee or stay out a bit late and he absolutely flips his shit." Bella turned into the park - one of her favorite places to do mostly anything - and got out, starting to walk around the permitter.

"Yeah, sounds like Edward. Like I said, come to Texas."

"You make it sound so fucking easy. I don't want to hurt him. He's do-"

"And how many times has he hurt you?" Bella came to a stop in shock. His tone was sharp, nearly a bark. "Sorry," he apologized, calming down slightly. "But Bella, really. He left you, and now he's obviously hurting you right now."

"I know, but he's been so good to me, and your whole family has." Bella pulled the phone from her ear as she ordered herself a coffee from a cart.

"Bella," Jasper sighed, "the Cullens adore you. Just because you're not with Edward anymore doesn't mean that they're going to just abandon you."

Bella barked out a laugh as she paid, exchanging the cash for the coffee with a smile. Walking away, she took a sip. "Yeah, well the last time that Edward and I weren't together that was exactly what happened. Plus, last time, he tried to get himself killed." She took a sip from her iced coffee, happily walking in the warm sun.

"That's true," Jasper admitted. "But they've learned a lot since then, trust me, and they wouldn't do it again. And as for Edward? I really don't know, Bella, but you get married and you're stuck with him. Literally forever, 'cause he said he'd change you, right?"

"Yeah."

"Then you're unhappy forever. It's going to hurt him worse if you make this decision ten years down the road, fifty, a hundred. And you can only be unhappy for so long, kitten."

Sighing, Bella ran her hand along her face. "You know, I like you better when you're a raunchy fucker."

"Kitten, I'm just telling you things that you're gonna realize in time. Think of me as your…guardian angel? Shit, I dunno. Something cliched like that. But if you need, I can add a bit of raunch and dick influence next time you need advice."

"No, no. You're right. I'll think about it. I'll talk to Edward, too. Thanks, Jasper. Just promise me something?"

"'Course, kitten."

"Don't let your friends eat me if I end up coming down?"

Instead of hearing just Jasper's easy laugh, three distinct laughs carried through the phone.

"I'll protect you from the big, bad vampires," Jasper simpered.

"And there's the dick Jasper I know." Bella sipped at her coffee, her mood brightened instantly.

"Aw. You're so sweet, kitten."

"Shut up."

"Yes ma'am."

"Okay, I guess I should go back. Esme's worried about me and we're making cinnamon buns." Getting to her feet, Bella headed back to her car, carefully dodging the people.

"All right, kitten. I hope to see you soon."

"Yeah," Bella said, slightly glum. As much as she'd like to see Jasper again, seeing him would mean that she'd left Edward and the family. God, she hated this. But Jasper was right. She could only be unhappy for so long. But maybe the conversation with Edward would help. Although half of her - the half that still was in love with and adored Edward - hoped at her, the other half of her wanted to just leave.

I'm lookin' for a reason to stay.

. . .

Inside Jasper, the beast stirred from it's slumber. Its eyes blinked open, and it yawned, its tongue flicking out. Biding its time had worked in its favor. Its plan was in rolling. While it prowled around its cage, it practically vibrated with excitement. It could taste the victory on the rise.


A/N:

Hi, guys. Sorry this took so long. I know that last chapter I said that my new story would be out the next day, but obviously that didn't happen. I wrestled a lot with both how to continue this story from where I cornered myself and how to begin the other. I was stuck, obviously, for quite a while. But all is well, now, and I'll be starting the new story relatively soon. I hope that I've gotten back in your good favors with a longer chapter.

Until next time,

Claire