TMNT= Not Mine
PlainSimpleGarak brought up this idea. For DeeMG who wanted someone to write a crackfic about this. She knows I can never resist a prompt like this.
I regret nothing for writing this. You might for reading this.
There was something incredibly wrong with the situation.
"Wait, what?" Casey said blankly. "That can't be right."
Vaguely he was aware of a rising horror; that any moment now comprehension was going to kick right in and he was going to freak. April however didn't seem to think that there was anything wrong, she smiled pleasantly and placed a comforting hand on Casey's wrist.
The doctor beamed at him and straightened the papers in front of him. "All the tests have come in and that's what it is."
"But," Casey protested weakly, "That can't be right."
April's smile became dangerously sharp and something that felt like fear slid down the vigilante's spine. "Casey," she said sweetly, "This is wonderful, absolutely wonderful news."
"Yes," the man replied automatically, then he glanced back at the papers of DOOM and said, "But I don't understand-"
"The tests," the doctor said, "Were pretty clear. And we've checked them and double checked them and triple checked them again. Congratulations, Mr Jones."
x x x
Casey was pretty sure this was all Donatello's fault somehow.
"YOU," he roared at the green bastard, pointing an accusing finger at the turtle. He was almost incomprehensible in his anger. "DID. SOMETHING. TO. GAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! "
The vigilante's fists tightened and Casey paced furiously but Donatello remained calm in the face of the volcano in front of him. It helped that April had the foresight to warn/spread the good news to the turtle family thus ensuring that all three of Donatello's brothers formed a protective barrier between him and Casey when the vigilante had stormed into their underground home. Master Splinter stood silently at the door, ready to take Casey down should the human's fury boil into physical action.
Donatello cast a calm, sympathetic gaze at the man. "Casey," he said, raising his hands defensively, "I haven't seen you for two weeks. You've been banned from my lab for six months now. I have had no hand in any meals we have shared for the past three months. I have not treated you for any injuries in the past three weeks. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say, I had nothing to do with it."
Casey gave an inarticulate snarl of rage and threw himself at the turtle. The result was an epic dog-pile as Raphael, Michelangelo and Leonardo dragged him to the ground with a cacophony of cries. Leonardo yelled at everyone to calm down. Raphael cursed at everything from Casey's ancestry to his parent's marital status at his birth. Michelangelo let out several joyous war cries and then a rendition of some annoying pop song.
Casey cursed at them all for their interference then promised to tear Dontello apart should he get his hands on the turtle. Or something. It wasn't exactly clear what Casey was saying, it was entirely possible he speaking Neanderthal instead anything resembling a human language.
"Enough," Master Splinter said sharply and they all froze and fell silent.
A flicker of hope began to stir in Casey Jones as the old rat slowly approached. Master Splinter was wise, immune to the ridiculous charade that April and the turtles were playing at and he would fix this somehow, maybe with a special brew of tea and then everything would start making sense again and all would be right in the world.
"My sons," the ninjitsu master intoned, "Just what are you thinking, dog-piling Casey in his condition?"
No, no, no, no! Master Splinter surely couldn't believe that it was true, and he was not going to be treated like, like he was delicate-
The weights on his back lifted and the turtles vanished from his side in a blink of an eye. "Don't," Casey Jones spat as they stared at him in something that looked a lot like shame, "You. Dare. Think. That. I. Can't. ROUGH. HOUSE."
He launched himself at Raphael, surely good ol' Raph wouldn't let him down and would throw a punch or two, the turtle could never resist a chance for some free-for-all-
Owwwww. Apparently, Raphael would let him down. Before his paralysed body could topple to the ground after the green bastard pinched a nerve, the turtle easily swept the human up into his arms. To those observing it appeared Casey had swooned and thus would have looked romantic had the two individuals involved in the manoeuvre not been the two individuals involved in the manoeuvre.
"I think you need to lie down and rest," he was politely informed. "Don't want to get too excited in the state you're in."
"It's just the hormones getting to him," someone else muttered.
Arnold Casey Jones began to plot the untimely demise of his so called friends and family.
x x x
April was incredibly creepy, in a really, really smug of what she had accomplished and proud of him sort of way. She was insistent that he stayed at home and was waiting on him hand and foot. He couldn't do anything except lie on the couch and watch television.
Michelangelo, television junkie he was not. After two days of this, he gathered his vigilante gear, escaped from the house and headed into Purple Dragon territory. He quickly stumbled onto a fight between the turtles and a few gang members.
Without hesitation, Casey Jones launched himself into the fight with his traditional battle cry. To his utter confusion, the turtles and the Dragons stopped and turned around to look at him. The gang member managed to deflect the blow and grab hold of his stick and then said, "You can't be here!"
"Oh yeah!" Casey snarled. He ignored the weirdness that everyone had stopped brawling and tried to pull his stick away. "Well, I AM here now so get ready for a beating!"
"No, seriously," the Dragon said, "You can't be doing this! Not like this. Are you insane? What were you thinking?"
It felt like he was in the beginnings of a Leo lecture except it was being delivered by a Purple Dragon. The situation was incredibly surreal. He slid his gaze over the other combatants who were watching them with an air of disapproval. What the hell was going on?
"Steven is right," Leonardo piped up. "You've got to stop this Casey. You can't live your life like this anymore."
Shooting the turtle a betrayed look, he heaved the stick out of Steven's grasp. "Since when did you agree with Purple Dragon scum?" he hissed furiously.
"You need to go home," Steven said firmly, "We'll walk you there and everything. It's not safe on these streets and you'reā¦fragile."
Arnold Casey Jones saw red. He lunged and was soundly brought down by a nerve pinch from his best friend. "I can't believe he is so irresponsible," Steven raged from somewhere to his right, "It's a good thing he ran into us."
"Yeah, who knows what could have happened to this lughead," Raphael agreed, "Give a turtle a hand, Steve?"
"Of course," the gang member said agreeably.
The walk home was spent listening to the companionable chatter between the turtles and the Purple Dragons and was one of the most bizarre experiences in Casey's life. And he said that honestly after dealing with alien invasions, the Foot and mutant ninja turtles.
x x x
"April," Casey Jones said, seven months later. He'd spent that time in a sort of detached fugue and semi-imprisonment in April's home. Finally his brain had decided that enough time had passed and he was clearly not having a very bad dream, no matter how hard he tried to convince himself so. Everyone he knew accepted this as normal (even the people who come from the real world without mutant animals and ninjas and aliens) and he'd finally come to accept that only he thought what was happening was out of this world.
"Yes?"
But still, he had to give one last try.
"Does anything about this situation strike you as strange?" Casey asked slowly.
"No."
"You don't find it a little bit weird?" Casey persisted, "Not even the slightest?"
April O'Neil, associate of a family of mutants aside, an otherwise totally ordinary person, looked at her heavily pregnant partner.
"No, Arnold Casey Jones," she said frankly, "Nothing about this is strange. Everything is perfectly normal."
