Chapter 3: Dealing with normality
I am sitting at my usual table in the cafeteria and I am enjoying my very tasty breakfast. I wouldn't normally be complimenting a normal plate of food, but for almost 2 weeks now I only had lunch and a few cookies that I bought at lunch during the day because no one told me how the other meals work. In their defense, I should've figured it out...
I'm looking around while I'm eating and I see Sasuke at his usual table reading my book because the little prick took it without asking, I see the red-head's table right next to mine with her whispering and looking at me from time to time...laughing. I feel like she's only doing this because she's scared...scared of me or of losing her status. The bottom line is I couldn't care less...or at least that's what I'm telling myself to keep going. Like any other person her gossip bothers me just because it brings back horrible memories. I'm afraid one of those episodes I have at night will happen in the middle of the day, in front of everybody. Without letting her know I care I turn my head around and take a good look at the cafeteria. I notice Ino isn't here and I'm wondering if she's in the bathroom. Just to create an excuse for myself because I'm not supposed to care, I say I need to wash my face and I go in the bathroom I found her last time. Sure enough she's there, eating a sandwich.
I nod as a hello and start using the mirror like I'm only there for that object.
"Morning" She responds to my nod. After chewing some more she starts talking again. "So...I figured I should thank you...for...you know." I nod again. I think about it now and I can't figure out why I wanted to see if she's here. But I feel better now that I know she is and that what happened yesterday didn't bring her down.
"Were you going to take your shirt off if I didn't come?" This was a question that bothered me, together with others. I see she looks at her feet and bites her lip. Before she answers I already know what she's going to say.
"What other choice did I have? It's not that bad, it was just a shirt. It's better than being hit in the face and coming to school next morning with a huge mark that reminds everyone what happened the other day. I don't expect you to understand."
"I don't! I can't see what you're trying to make me see! I helped you, I gave you that push forward! Why can't you take the next steps? Tell her to fuck off. So what if she hits you, you hit her back."
"It's not that easy!"
"Of course it's not. It's never easy, that's what everyone says. It's because you made it complicated, but in my eyes you have two choices: either you fight back and get her off your back or you keep going the way you do now and I can't be there all the time to pull you out of these situations." I can't remember the last time I talked this much...She jumps off the counter and looks at me. Something tells me I made her angry. Quite ironic if you ask me.
"You don't understand, don't pretend you do. You can't understand because you don't know know how it feels, you were never in this kind of situation. I see you sitting at that table by yourself and I notice people are scared of you, no one would dare talk to you the way they talk to me! So stop giving me advice on something you can't possibly understand!" People are scared of me? How? I haven't talked to anyone, how can they be scared? Humans can be such pricks!
Her little speech shuts me up for a few seconds. What else can I say, I mean she's right. I've never been bullied, I was the victim of a lot of gossip, but you can't compare that with this. People were too scared to bully me, I guess Blondie's right, I am a scary person...
"Alright..." I give up. "I'll stop telling you what to do, but just so you know, if you ever need...help or...anything really, you can...come to me...okay?" I don't know what came over me to say that, but I did, it's already out there, I can't take it back. I keep telling myself that I don't need any drama, but I bet Ino could use someone to share the drama with. And not that it is important, but the red-head really gets on my nerves.
I notice she's surprised by my little statement and I get it. I'm also surprised. She mumbles a 'thanks' and walks out slowly. As soon as she's out I let a deep breath out and put my hand on the counter to stable myself. I got dizzy all of a sudden. I look in the mirror and I see that I'm unusually white. I drink some water clumsily and fight the urge to break on the floor. I close my eyes...just for a few seconds, just to get better. Thankfully the color is coming back to my face and my head stops spinning. I breathe relieved. The episodes were getting better.
I stay a few more seconds to make sure I can walk normally and act normally. As soon as I'm sure everything is back to normal I walk out without looking back.
The next few classes passed by very slowly, mainly because most of them were with the red-head and she was having a lot of fun bothering me. I honestly hate people that talk behind their back, I find it incredibly unfair and cowardly of them because if you tell a person what you think or what you heard you give this person the chance to defend itself, but if you talk behind its back, it's almost like you don't want to give it that chance. Gossiping is a coward's hobby. And it hurts the victim in ways it shouldn't.
I've gotten through it though, without saying a thing, but it doesn't seem to stop her, it actually makes her try harder. Sooner or later I might have to start defending myself even if I don't know against what.
I did the usual trip to my locker, only this time I see Sasuke there. I'm not sure if I should wait until he's gone or just go now. I figure waiting is ridiculous because I'm not trying to hide from him. As I walk closer the smirk on his face grows and that makes me get angrier.
"I need to use the locker." I say when I see he has no intention of moving. He looks at me smirking and moves.
"So, I have a confession to make." Great! Does it say on my forehead that I like talking to people?! "I don't like the book."
"Can I have it back then?" I can't care less, really, about his taste in books, I just hate having my things borrowed.
"Wow, okay. Easier than I thought." When I open the locker I notice that my book is there. Good, I can stop worrying about that. Then I look lower and my new book is gone! The one I ordered on fucking Amazon! The one I haven't finished!
"I took this one, though. It looked interesting." I felt my hands shaking of anger. This guy was in danger!
"I wasn't done with that..."
"Really? I'll bring it back tomorrow then."
"Just give it back now." I try again.
"I don't know...how long do you need to finish it, cause I kinda want to read it now."
"So order it, I'm not your public library." I say harsher than I want. Immediately I regret being mean, something that never happened to me before. Because of the state I'm in today and everything that happened I feel another episode coming. Today wasn't a good day to deal with all this.
"Woah, calm down! I'm joking, I just wanted to make you mad." He says amused, but I don't listen to him. I focus on my sight which was getting blurry...I bet my face is pretty white. "Are you alright? You don't look too good." I nod with my eyes closed. I feel so embarrassed right now, to be like this in front of somebody. "Should I hold you? What do you want me to do?" Hold me? For some reason what he said makes me sad and on top of everything I feel like crying. I open my eyes slowly and shove my head in the locker. Now that Sasuke saw how I get I don't want everyone else to see. I cannot explain how embarrassed I am.
"Just...just go. I'm fine, just go." I tell him. I don't know if he's here or not, but I put my head in my hands and I feel a few tears coming. I try to find a bit of stability. I feel a hand on my back and I realize Sasuke didn't leave. It makes this whole thing a lot harder to control. I want to talk, but I'm afraid he might realize I'm on the verge of crying. So I shut up and let his hand go up and down on my back.
10 minutes later, when I feel like I've gotten back some normality I sit down on the floor and forget about my last class. I see Sasuke sitting next to me.
"You'll be late for class." I tell him.
"I'm done for the day." I look at him confused. "I'm a senior, I have less classes." He's a senior? Why are we locker buddies?! "I think I deserve an explanation for all this." He's right, I just don't think I can start talking about my problems so freely after a life time of holding it in.
"I know" I say when the silence grows longer than a minute.
"So explain. Explain to me why you act the way you do." I feel his stare and I start to get uncomfortable.
"I just...I can't." I close my eyes tightly and cover my head with my hands. I hate being this weak! I feel his hand going around my shoulders and pulling me closer in a hug that threatens to make me start crying like I never felt before. A long silence follows and we sit there, just thinking.
"Ino told me about this morning and I wanted to thank you, that's why I waited for you here. I won't ask for the reason because, frankly, I don't care, I just want you to know that I'm grateful." I sigh. Talking about something else helps me regain some normality.
"Are you embarrassed to be seen with her?" Another question that bothered me. He looks at me surprised and almost angry, but calms down once he thinks it over.
"...no. She made me promise not to talk to her at school, at least when someone could see us, to not defend her or sit with her at lunch. She pretty much wants me to act like I don't know her."
"I think that because you do what she asked, she feels worse. I think that she would feel better if you break that promise."
"You think I don't know that? I'm scared that if I do break my promise she'll get mad at me and then who's there to pick up the pieces, you know?" I guess he has a point.
"I guess...Why did she ask you that?"
"She told me that if I talk to her Karin will get madder and on top of that, talking to her might damage my social status. I think she's right about Karin, but that second reason, I think that's just something she made up on the spot to make her argument stronger." She kinda has a point too. "But, I guess it makes sense what she's doing. This is my last year here, after I'm gone there's no one for her here. I guess she's just thinking realistically." I guess so.
"Well, if you think about it, I'm gonna be here when you're gone. I could...I could take care of her...for you." He chuckles and I see that annoying smirk again. At least the seriousness of this conversation is slowly going away.
"Yeah. Thanks for that." He looks at me with a smile I've never seen before and it really takes me by surprise. I immediately look down and bite my lip. I was never a shy person but his smile gave me butterflies and made me cower away.
Today was a very strange day, don't you think? I felt it the moment I woke up. I am a person that keeps to herself, but I wasn't always like this. I used to have friends, I used to be superficial...I used to be Karin. After last year I changed a lot, though. Today was the first time in a long time that I felt like I needed the company of someone. I think that means I'm getting there, that I'm going back to who I used to be. I don't know how to feel about that.
