Ch 4: Appearances
What can I say? I am completely lost. I guess it's expected of me since I am quite new here, but still, I've been here for a month or so, how can I still get lost? I'm lucky I'm done with school for the day. Let me tell you how it happened. I simply came out of the gym, ready to go to my dorm, have a proper shower and maybe sleep all day long when I saw the red-head just standing in the hallway talking to who knows who. My brain immediately went DANGER! and I just turned around like a scared cat. That's what happened. All I wanted was to go home, but that little insecure bitch was blocking my usual path. I was then stuck finding a new path. Well good luck to you Sakura, you little clumsy idiot. Of course, I'm secretly clumsy, no one can know. Right now I'm wondering around an older part of the school which is a bit darker because of the lack of windows. It is quite scary. I'm holding on to my bag like the bag can save me.
Suddenly, walking around, looking around I see a lighter spot and I go there. I'm just standing in the light turning around trying to figure out where it comes from. I look up and I see a window. Not surprising, but when I look out the window I notice it doesn't show me a yard or any kind of exterior. I see a greenhouse. An old greenhouse, but it is beautiful! The flowers are all dry, but there is this fountain right in the middle that looks amazing! So I look around trying to find a way in. I figure that if I don't find a door I'll just climb in the window, it can't be that hard. Then I see another spot of light and another and another and they go on down the hallway. So I follow then and sure enough I come across a door. A huge door made of glass which luckily is not locked. Even if it was locked one of the doors has no glass in the metal frame so getting in is not such a big problem.
I see dry flowers everywhere, which means this truly is an old greenhouse. The fountain is still working properly and the water coming out of it makes the place refreshing. I have to say it smells horrible in here, but the smell sort of goes away when you stay near the fountain. The walls are all glass and you can see the outside very clearly. In the back of the greenhouse there are an old table with 4 chairs, which used to be white at some point. I love it here! It feels like I found my oasis. So I place my bag on the ground and I sit on the fountain just smiling like an idiot. Next thing I know I'm reading my book lost in thoughts. I only stop when I notice there isn't enough light to keep reading.
Lost, smelly, hungry and tired I walk out of my peaceful oasis and look around once more. It turns out I was right behind the cafeteria this whole time. It's nice to know where you are again and to know that I can come back here tomorrow. I realize that I don't have time to go change and come back for dinner so I decide to just go in and eat when my phone starts ringing, which is strange because no one ever calls me anymore.
No, wait, it's mom. Which is even more surprising.
"Yeah...?" I ask reluctant.
"Honey, hi! How is school, did you get settled in?" I haven't talked to her in 1 month. I feel like I'm talking to a ghost.
"Yes, mother, I've been here for 4 weeks I got used to it."
"That's lovely, sweetie. I'm glad." She says not really listening. I got used to that. "So do you need anything? Any money?"
"Um, sure...send me some money." One thing I can count on.
"Wonderful. I'll call you some other time, I'm a bit busy." Of course you are...
"Sure, bye." But she's already gone. I sigh. I'm not even hungry anymore.
The next morning I go into the cafeteria and sit at my usual table with a different book in front of me. This morning we're having pancakes, my dad used to make some killer pancakes. This makes the day start with a strange sad nostalgia. I sigh.
Reading a very boring descriptive passage of my book I'm more aware of my surroundings than I would like to be. I hear something moving around in front of me and when I put my book down I see Ino.
"Um..." I start. She sits down with her breakfast and looks at the table more than she looks at me.
"They put glue all over my usual table. They thought I wouldn't know but the glue smelled and it had a strange shine. I figured it would be okay if I sat here, just for today, I mean."
"It's fine." I say faster than I would've liked.
"I can move if you want."
"No, it's fine." I say one more time. She nods and starts eating. I try to go back to my reading, but it doesn't feel right so I put my book down and clear my throat louder than I wanted to. I look awkwardly at the ceiling. "You can-you can..." I stutter. "Um...you can sit here from now on. If you-if you want...of course." It feels like this is the first time I'm talking to somebody. She nods and goes on with her eating. I think it would be best if I just burry myself in my book. She pulls out a notebook from her back and starts writing on it. I now know it's safe to go back in Tolstoy's universe.
We stayed like that the whole breakfast, we also heard some laughter from the red-head's table, at least I did, but I ignored it. We are standing up now taking our trays to the trash bin.
"What's your first class?" Ino asks with a courage I didn't know she had. A courage I'm sure I no longer had.
"Just, Math. Um...you?" It's been 5 months. 5 months since I had a conversation. A real conversation that is. In those 5 months I talked about my feelings with shrinks, I cried in corners and cried myself to sleep. I barely talked to my mother and I lived through night tremors that made me be afraid of the bed. The night tremors weren't supposed to happen, but they did. After 5 months like that I am now trying to have a normal, trivial conversation and I have no idea how.
"History. We can...we can walk together...if you want." I know one thing. I can still read people like I used to, maybe even better. I know Ino needs a friend, I saw that before and it's screaming at me now. God knows I need a friend so call me crazy, but I think Ino and I could really get along.
"Uh, sure. Sounds good." I go as far as smiling. I used to smile a lot. I remember these incredible Sundays with my dad. We were always eating pancakes on a Sunday morning, only on Sunday mornings, then we would always go to the aquarium because it was my favorite place. After that we would spend an afternoon at the best ice cream place and then we would go home and watch Star Wars until it was night. I would always smile back then because everyone said I had my father's smile, that I'm the spitting image of him. My mother would never join us because she thought it was stupid. Sometimes I wonder if the woman my father fell in love with will ever come out again.
We are walking together to class since it's in the same direction. We are surrounded by this awkward silence, I saw that coming. Making friends was harder than it looked.
"Listen." I start, biting my lip. "I have this music club after school, but after that I have nothing to do so I was thinking that we could watch a movie, have fun, eat junk food and talk girl talk. You can tell me all about Sasuke and why you keep him away...if you want, of course. What do you say?" She looked at me slightly happier than she was at breakfast, but that little smile that was taking shape disappeared when I said Sasuke. Can't wait to hear about that.
"What kind of movie?" It is clear that she's saying yes. This is a huge step towards normality, a step I needed to take.
"Um, Star Wars. I haven't seen it in a while. And since it's Friday you can stay later than usual so maybe we can watch them all." She looks amused. I never saw that look on her.
"You like Star Wars?"
"Yes. I do. Why is that surprising?" It feels easier now, like we had this huge hill to climb over which we now overcame. The conversation has this easy-going feeling to it, something I missed.
"Well, you don't look it."
"What do you mean?"
"You look like you enjoy shopping and gossiping. You dress like you're always going to be the main attraction of a fashion show and you have this unapproachable attitude. I thought your favorite movie would be something like A walk to remember or Breakfast at Tiffany's." I look at myself then back at her.
"I like those too, but I prefer the books."
"That too. When I saw you pull out a book at lunch I knew you there is a lot more behind all this." She said pointing at me like she was pointing at a curtain. I nodded and we kept walking.
"So you're in? I didn't ask. Are you okay with Star Wars?"
"Sure I'm in, it's not like I have anything better to do, no offence. I never saw Star Wars though."
"What? I don't believe it! We have to change that." She smiles and nods. We both walk in our own direction. It started out as an awkward silence, but after five minutes the conversation flew by. It made the nostalgia go away, but I'm sure it will come back as we're watching Star Wars. And I don't dress like I'm about to be on a fashion show..I don't!...This is going to bother me.
I walk out of Math and I don't see Ino around, but I'm not exactly waiting for her since I need to get to my locker. I walk slowly, trying to make my heels make no sound at all, since what she said bothered me a little. The last thing I want is attract attention. So I sneak by everyone and I shove my head in my locker. I look at myself in the mirror I put at the back of the locker. I see perfect make-up and a messy side bun. It's a casual hair-do for me, but is it too much? Without thinking about it anymore I undo my bun and shake my hair out making it fall on my back. It is slightly curly because it was braided last night.
"Well, that looks hot on you." I hear Sasuke's voice as I was lifting my head, throwing my hair on my back. My pink hair is everywhere.
"Don't say that." I say embarrassed. For a moment I forgot other persons were there.
"That's funny, you don't look like a shy person." Again with that! My appearance should stop giving impressions to other people.
"Don't say that, either."
"Fine, I'll shut up now."
"Sasuke, do I look like I'm taking part in a fashion show?" And finally, I ask. A second opinion is not such a bad thing to get, is it? And he's the only person, besides Ino, that I actually know at this school.
"Oh, am I done shutting up now?" He asks me amused. I give him a look. "Yes, Sakura. But I can't say you don't look hot, though I bet you look hot in everything."
"I'm sorry, are you flirting with me? Or what's going on?" He chuckles leaning against the neighboring locker.
"I'm just happy. I tend to be like this."
"Why so happy?" I was a bit happy too, today. Ignoring the whole dressing issue.
"I heard about your plans with Ino." Seriously?! How? It's been one hour in which we all had classes. There is no way they talked.
"Did you, now? I swear, sometimes I think you work for the CIA."
"You look sort of happy too."
"Well, I am. Sort of, that is. Ino is not the way I imagined at all. She seemed shy, but she's not."
"Yeah, I know. She's actually funny, she always makes me laugh."
"Sasuke, I'm sorry to tell you, but you laugh at a lot of things."
"I like this side of you. You're sassy."
"I am not sassy."
"Sure.." We both chuckle and enjoy a nice comfortable silence together. After a few minutes I ask again.
"Are the clothes really that bad?" And, of course, Sasuke laughs.
"Sakura, the way you dress is just fine. You remind us of a magazine cover. This is a small town, you should've expected this."
"I just thought everyone dresses the way people do in New York."
"But this is not New York."
"No, it's not." New York...my home town. The city that once brought feelings of happiness and love to my belly. A city I couldn't wait to get back to. But, now...New York has this dark cloud over it. A dark cloud that managed to swallow every single ray of sunshine in just one year. No, this was not New York. For the first time in my life I was happy to be far away from my home town.
