Hope. It's a cruel emotion. You basically set yourself up to fall. Even after everything I still had hope. I had hope for myself, I had hope for my future. No matter how often I told myself this would happen, I still had hope. My heart felt shattered, this emotional pain hurt worse than any physical pain I could ever put myself through.
I did what I always do. I tested the limits. I took away the pain, at least for a while. I suppressed the ache in my heart and concreted on the pain in my wrist. Hope is misleading, hope is cruel, but hope was all I had.
"Miss Indges, can you answer my question please?" I stared out the window, unmoving. Barley acknowledging poor Professor Flitwick. Rose nudged me hard in the ribs. I winced before looking away from the window and shaking my head at the tiny man at the front of the class.
Scorpius shot me a look from his place beside Al. I blinked in response. I opened my book and stared down at the words. They didn't make any bloody sense. Suddenly the words were covered by a piece of folded parchment. I looked over at Rose who shook her head, slightly. I looked over to Scorp who gave one of his classic half smiles.
I opened the parchment slowly to see my best friends messy scrawl.
Lena Beana, what's wrong little one?
Nothing, pay attention in class. I quickly wrote back before passing back to him.
Me? Pay attention, you're the one who'll fail her O.W.L's if you don't pay attention. You couldn't even answer a simple question on the switching spell.
I fought the smile that touched my lips and folded the note without replying. He infuriated me more than I could ever say. Three more notes reached my desk before class ended. I didn't even bother myself with reading those. All I could think about was what he had said; He didn't care, I didn't matter. The words I'd overheard kept replaying like a broken record in my mind. As soon as Flitwick dismissed the class, I was out the door. Almost leaving my bag in the process,
I walked as quickly as I could. Scorp, Al, and Rose would undoubtedly be behind me, and I ran smack into the one person I never wanted to see again. My bag slid away from me, everything spilled out in the corridor. Once again I found myself knocked on the ground next to James. Freaking. Potter.
"I'm so sorry, wait, Lena?" He fumbled over his words, quickly reddening. His messy hair looked particularly messy today, and his eyes were bright. Why did he have to be so attractive?
"Well, that's my name." The words were out of my mouth before I could register that I they were rude.
"Well, I'm sorry. For knocking you down again." James stated as he pulled himself up. Grabbing my arm and pulling me up before I could protest. I winced as pain shot through my arm straight to my heart. My last cut had been particularly deep, deeper than I intended. I didn't notice the tears falling down my face until James stopped mid-sentence to acknowledge them.
"I've been looking for you,you know, wait, Lena, are you crying?" I pulled my arm from his grasp to touch my face, I felt wetness.
I nodded just as Scorp came into my line of vision. He noticed my tears straight away.
He ran to me and engulfed me in a heart warming, hug. "Lena, don't. Don't cry, I'm sorry. You're not going to fail your O.W.L's." I couldn't even tell him it wasn't his fault, but it was better if they both thought I was afraid of exams. James stood awkwardly to the side, not saying anything, but not going anywhere either. He pulled out his wand, waved it, and all of my possessions were back in my bag once again.
I pulled away from my best friend. The pain finally having lessened, physically at least.
"I'm fine Scorp, really. " I wiped my eyes. "See, no more tears." I smiled as James handed me my bag.
"Thank you." I turned and walked down the corridor leaving Al to find both boys staring at each other curiously.
"You will fail your O.W.L's if you don't start paying attention in class, Callena!" Fantastic, Rose was pulling the name card out. Well, I could do that too.
"I am well aware. Scorp informed me today in Charms thank you very much, Rosemary." Rose flushed, attempting to blink away her anger. She slowly exhaled before answering me.
"Two things. First off, I understand he's already told you, but Lena, I'm serious. First today in Charms, and then you show up late DADA. Did you even remember your wand today?"
I restrained myself from rolling my eyes at her. "And the second?"
If steam could have come from her ears, I'm sure it would have.
"My name is Rose. Now answer the question."
"What question?"
"CALLENA!"
The entire common room turned to look at us. We were sitting at a table near the fireplace. I could feel the heat on my skin. I never really sat in the common room, but I needed to study according to Rose, and the library had been full of eager Ravenclaw Fifth and Seventh years.
Rose smiled and muttered a quiet apology for her outburst. I looked back down at my defence essay. I needed six more feet, and I still wasn't sure what exactly I was writing about. Something about vampires. Possibly. I rubbed my eyes and looked towards the fire to see someone still staring over at us. His head went subconsciously to his hair. He smiled, I looked down, and quickly back. He was still staring, a slight frown on his face.
"Lena." Rose hissed. I ignored her, my blue eyes meeting his hazel. "Lena." Merlin, I'd be an idiot to assume she'd give up.
"Yes, Posie?" I asked still staring intently at James, he hadn't looked away yet.
"Stop staring at my cousin, and answer the question I asked you."
I broke the gaze once more, and turned to see a red faced Rose.
"Sorry. And yes, I carried my wand today." I thought of the piece of elm 9 and a quarter inches, sitting on my bedside cabinet. Thank Godric we'd had no piratical lessons today.
I finished my essay for DADA, after Rose took it away from me and wrote it herself I mean. I started my potions work, before calling it a night. I looked over one more time at James, almost as if he felt my eyes on him, he looked over at me. This time he blushed and looked away, back into the flames.
The moonlight hit the scarred flesh on my arms. Even if he looked at me, he'd never want me. He said so himself. He wasn't interested. What would happen if he was interested though? He'd see my body, my arms, and become instantly repulsed. I doubt I'd ever be good enough for anyone.
I hadn't been good enough for my mother, she hadn't stayed. I certainly hadn't been good enough for father. I couldn't even tell my best friends. I was damaged. Broken. It didn't matter that he smiled at me like that.
I traced the raised skin on my arm lightly. Hope was the cruellest emotion. I sat myself up to fall, every single time. I still had hope. Hope is misleading, hope is cruel, but hope was all I had.
