Chapter Five – Ruined

"She doesn't want to talk to you. She doesn't want to see you. She doesn't want to be anywhere near you!"

Mary Macdonald scowled at him, her arms crossed defiantly.

"Macdonald, will you just –"

"Not that she's in any state to form coherent sentences," she continued, raising her voice above his, "locked in the dormitory sobbing her heart out. How could you? I mean, with the rest of us you have no qualms bandying names about, but Lily actually liked you. Like, the rest of us have no illusions about what a twisted, evil little git you are, but Lily thought you were her best friend. And you attack her like that when she's the only one who even tries defend you? Your little Slytherin mates did nothing when James had you up in the air, unless you didn't notice. But no, you're just like the rest of them, it's just so – so horrible!"

Severus stood there as Macdonald ranted, a scrunched, tight feeling in his chest. He'd upset Lily. But it was a mistake, he wasn't thinking right; Potter had provoked him, made him so angry. He hadn't been himself. He had to tell her, explain. Lily, he couldn't lose Lily, they were best friends.

He sighed when the Gryffindor stopped and glared at him huffily. "Look, I'm sorry, okay? Just tell Lily, tell her I just need to talk to her. Please. Mary."

"Don't you 'Mary' me! Can't you just go away and leave her alone? She doesn't need you at the moment. She doesn't need you ever. Her house, her friends, will take care of her," she retorted stubbornly.

Her words caused another twinge of pain but his patience was wearing thin. "I'm not going anywhere until I talk to her! I'll sleep here if I have to," he said in frustration, jabbing at the ground where he was standing to emphasise the point.

MacDonald flung her hands up in exasperation. "Whatever, I'm not staying here with you any longer." she said, climbing back through the portrait hole.


Severus was left there standing there stubbornly for another twenty minutes, and he was starting to think he might have to wait the night out here after all. But the portrait hole swung open again and this time it was Lily who stepped out, accompanied by Frank Longbottom. He glared at Severus, who stared back blankly, not wanting to risk provoking him.

"You sure you'll be alright, Lily?" Longbottom asked her, his hand on her shoulder like she was some kid he didn't want running off.

Lily smiled wanly at him and nodded. "Yeah, I'll be back soon."

He shot another look at Severus and then went back into the common room, the portrait swinging shut behind him. Now, it was just the two of them, in a silent corridor. Lily was wearing a lavender dressing gown, her hair loose and unbrushed, her face scrubbed but still bearing marks that she had been crying. She stared at him defiantly, daring him to challenge the fact, and it hurt him to see her face so closed and mistrustful. But she was still so beautiful, always so strong and kind, and what had he done to her?

"I'm sorry." He blurted out.

"I'm not interested," she replied snappishly, expression not even changing.

"I'm sorry!"

"Save your breath." Still unmoved. "I only came out because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep here."

At least she still cared, a bit, though she'd probably be nicer to some dirty stray outside her door…

"I was. I would have done." The words were so jumbled, rough. He'd been going over what he would say to her all afternoon, and, needless to say, it was supposed to be so much more eloquent. "I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just –"

"Slipped out?" she spat, "It's too late."

Lily continued speaking, unrelentlessly, and the worst part was that he couldn't rebuke it; he couldn't deny the words that she was hurling at him with such disgust.

"No – listen, I didn't mean –"

"– to call me Mudblood? But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?"

Because you're not like them. Because you're my friend. Because – because I love you.

But Lily had turned her back, and with a last look of contempt, went back into the Gryffindor common room. Wasn't this the part where he was supposed to run after her? Proclaim his love, and secure hers? But there was a grumpy portrait tut-tutting between them, and as the finality of 'it's too late' came crashing down around him, he turned and walked away into the shadows.


When she woke up that morning, curled up in a mess of blankets and blinking eyes weary from tears, it took her a while to remember what had happened the day before. And then she did and felt terrible. Sev had called her Mudblood. Sev was gone. Doubts still floated around her head. Maybe she should've heard him out, given him another chance. No, Alice and Mary were right. A simple 'sorry' wasn't going to fix anything. She'd made excuses for him again and again and this time it was unforgivable. They had always been right. She just refused to see what he was becoming. When exactly had he stopped being her best friend and becoming that? Or was he always –

Enough. Lily took a breath in and forced jumbled thoughts away. She had to get ready for classes – wait. Examinations, were there examinations today? No, Transfiguration had been the last; today was a free day, for the fifth years to relax after OWLs. Oh god, Transfiguration. She vaguely remembered doing to paper, writing, writing, writing… She'd been so distracted! Lily groaned and covered her face with her hands, forgetting the others in her dormitory.

"Lily? Are you awake?" Lillian said softly.

"Yeah," Lily replied, pushing herself into a sitting position. The room, still defined in grey but with the unmistakable light of morning peering in, swung and blurred for a second, and she shut her eyes, waiting for the nausea to pass. She heard Lillian padding over, and her small weight settled on her bed.

"Are you… alright?" Lily had found Lillian tended to swing between timid and quiet, and raucous and prone to giggling fits, in an unsettling manner, and they'd never been close, especially not with Severus always around. But now he wasn't, and the genuine concern in Lillian's large grey eyes made Lily guiltily think that maybe she'd judged her too quickly.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, yeah." she bit back the stream of words, and they lapsed into an awkward silence.

"The others are still asleep, you should use the bathroom first and we'll all go down to breakfast together." Lillian suddenly blurted out.

Lily nodded and got out of bed, wincing when her feet touched the cold floor, and headed for the bathroom.

"Lily?" Lillian whispered on an impulse. "Y'know, I've never, like, not wanted to be your friend. I know we're not, really, but if you, uh, need one, I'm, well, here," she finished awkwardly. "Oh, just go use the bathroom," she humphed, smiling tentatively.

Lily managed a genuine smile and stepped inside the bathroom, closing the door carefully. She winced at her reflection in the mirror. Tousled hair, blemished skin, and eyes puffy with that look she got after she cried.

It'll be fine, she told herself. Class is over, the end of the year is coming up, and I'll just keep away from him.


She didn't look too good.

James' eyes zoned in on Lily as she walked into the Great Hall surrounded by the other Gryffindor girls in her year, and chatting with the beater for the Gryffindor Quidditch team. Lillian seemed timid and politely reserved when you first met her, but once she relaxed around you… Though you wouldn't think it with her small stature and dark hair always tied back neatly, she was, maybe not the best, but the most enthusiastic beater James had ever seen.

"Ooh," said Sirius quietly, and James could hear the wince in his voice. "Evans looks rubbish."

Remus looked up from the Daily Prophet he was scanning and frowned at his two friends. "I heard that she's been a right mess since your nice public little row."

James looked indignant. "I didn't make Snape say that to her! Ungrateful little- a Slytherin like him, what do you expect?"

"Well, maybe you went a bit far with it, Prongs." Remus said firmly. "Attacking Snape for amusement every time you see fit isn't exactly the paragon of Gyrffindor courage, is it?"

"He deserves it, the Slytherin git." Sirius said angrily.

Peter blinked. "Blimey Moony, when did you get all righteous?"

"Since Mary told me how broken up Lily was last night." Remus returned smoothly. "However tough she may be with you, James, she's still a 15-year old girl. I mean, who really cares about Snape?"

Sirius snorted.

"But," Remus continued, "Lily's a Gryffindor too, and she's decent. James, you maybe you should apologise."

James scoffed and choked on his pumpkin juice. Wormtail knocked him on the back a few times, nodding thoughtfully.

"Are you serious? Apologise for Snape calling her that? Besides, she's gonna hex me the moment I try to speak to her!" James protested. "Tear me apart limb by limb! She might be all chummy with you, Moony, but have you forgotten that she hates me? How is me apologising supposed to help anyway?"

Remus shrugged. "She's a girl. Their minds work in strange ways."

"I resent that," Mary Macdonald said as she smoothly slipped onto the bench between James and Peter. Ignoring the latter's scowl, she turned to James and jabbed a finger at his face. "You are going to stay away from Lily for an indeterminate period of time. Yes?"

"How many times am I going to have to ask how it is my fault?" James said, annoyed as he pushed her finger away. "You should be saying that to Snape, not me."

Mary's gaze didn't waver. "He's not at breakfast; I think he's got the idea. You did provoke him after all, and-" she continued as James opened his mouth to retort, "even though Lily would had to have been disillusioned about him sooner or later, you know she's still going to blame you."

Sirius shrugged at him. "That sounds about right."

"At least try not to, like, ask her out every time you see her, hmm?" Mary said, standing up. "That's all, enjoy your breakfast."

She smiled at the four of them brightly and went back to where Lily was sitting, surrounded by her entourage.

"Well," Remus said after a pause, "now all you have to do is keep away from her. Easy enough, eh?"


As things would have it, James did manage to keep mostly away from Lily, which was no small feat considering they were in the same house, ate at the same table, and had mostly the same classes. And Mary was right, keeping his distance did seem to work fairly well and he recounted, with a pathetic amount of excitement and hope, that Lily had even said 'good morning' to him when they'd passed each other in the Common Room the last week of school, albeit a bit vacantly.

School had ended for the year, and the cheerfulness in the air couldn't be missed, like a bad smell. Students milled around the station with screeching pets in cages, calling to each other and adding to the bustling scene. Sirius swatted at the puffs of white smoke lingering against the cloudless blue sky as he carefully levitated his trunk to where James was standing, the Hogwarts Express before him in all its scarlet glory. With a grin, Sirius stepped up beside him and clapped his free hand onto his friend's shoulder, breathing in deeply.

"Ah, d'you smell that? Freedom is in the air, families are to be reunited, a summer of relaxation is before us." He scowled. "Course, I'm going to be locked up with my mad family."

James turned to face him, and smirked. "You're always welcome at my place; you know how Mum adores you. Seriously, you could stay for the entire holiday if you want."

"I might just take you up on that." Sirius said gloomily. He spent more time out of the house than in anyways, but the disapproval of his mother, which he treated as more a sign that he was on the right path, was particularly heavy these days, what with the increase in muggle and muggleborn attacks. And Regulus' sneering and jibes didn't help at all. He only had to walk up the stairs and see those house elves all lined up in a row to remind him just how messed up his family was.

The train's whistle shrieked and he winced. "C'mon, we'd better get on board. I think Moony's gone to save us a compartment."

They were walking down the train's narrow corridor, balancing against the swaying of the carriage, and peering into each compartment trying to find their friends, when Sirius saw a wholly unwelcome figure approach from the other way. He froze and glared at the Slytherin, feeling James prod his back and come to his side.

"Snape," Sirius growled. "What are you doing here?" He said it less like a question and more like a threat. Beside him, he could almost feel James' glower add to his own.

Snape sneered at them, his greasy hair hanging over his face. "Black, Potter. I'm going to the bathroom, if you must know."

"They're behind you," Sirius said suspiciously.

Snape was momentarily flustered, and his gaze flickered to the compartment they were outside.

Curious, James pushed past Sirius and looked through the glass of the door. When he turned back, his face was contorted with contempt.

"Oh, of course," he said, "you're going to try and beg for her back again, you worthless worm."

Ignoring the Remus-like voice that applauded James' use of alliteration, Sirius sighed inwardly. It had to be Lily Evans, and it was confirmed when he stepped forward and looked in; there she sat, comparing chocolate frog cards with some other girls and oblivious to what was brewing outside.

"Compared to you, always trailing pathetically behind her, and she hates you." Snape spat back, and Sirius made a show of wiping spittle off his cheek.

"This isn't about me," James started angrily, but Snape cut in derisively.

"It's always about you; you don't even care about Lily, you don't even know her."

"I don't – you were the who called her that in front of half the school, when she was trying to help!"

Sirius was surprised that the two of them hadn't started hurling hexes at each other right from the beginning, but just as the thought crossed his mind, James and Snape both reached for their wands. It was one of those long, stretched-out moments; as James and Snape pulled out wands and pointed them at each other in one fluid movement, the compartment door slid open and out stepped the girl herself, a thunderous expression on her face. The two looked so shocked to see her, as if they'd forgotten there was only a door between them, that Sirius almost laughed at their comical expressions.

"Hello, Evans" he said pleasantly, thrusting his hands into his pockets.

She ignored him, and he was surprised once again, that her next words were not a yell.

"Potter," Lily said through gritted teeth, a warning in her voice to choose his next words very carefully, "what are you doing?"

"Well I was just trying to find Remus and Peter, and old Snivelly here happened to be in my way." James said, eyeing Snape as he lowered his wand.

Sirius sighed. Nope, James didn't get the warning.

"He just… happened to be in your way," Lily repeated, voice dangerous. "And you couldn't walk past him without hexing him?"

James heard the ice in her words and his hand flew up and ruffled his hair. Lily's brow furrowed.

"He was going to apologise, and I couldn't – after he called you that." James burst out, panicked.

At this, Snape opened his mouth to say something, and Lily turned to him, expression blank.

"I don't want to hear it. Please just leave me alone."

Snape looked at her helplessly, before turning on his heel and striding back the way he'd come.

After he left, Lily's face collapsed and she turned back towards her compartment, where the girls had been watching. Mary, who was among them, looked at Sirius with an exasperated expression. Just a few more hours? she mouthed.

As Lily was about to close the door, James burst out, "Lily?"

She turned back, face stony.

"I'm sorry, about – him, you didn't deserve to be treated like that, but he was a git, and –" James caught himself, realising now might not be a good time for a 'I told you so', "yeah, I'm sorry."

Lily stared at him for a moment. "I can fight my own battles," she said, levelly at least, and turned around, closing the door with a soft click.

As hers closed another, a few compartments down, opened, and Peter stuck his head out, eyes lighting up when he saw them. "Oh good, I thought I heard your voices!"

Then he saw their expressions and his face fell a bit. "Oh… not good?"

Sirius sighed loudly and started dragging towards their compartment, away from Lily Evans, and wished that his friend would just shake his addled head and forget about her. Maybe they should think about obliviating him…


Finally got another chapter finished, heh... My, aren't I dedicated?

Happy New Year, and I hope 2013 treats you well!

You could, y'know, maybe leave me a review to commemorate the event? :)