He couldn't see Amanda or Shane anywhere. He walked over to his car and put the package on the driver's seat along with his jacket. He went over to Amanda's car and checked the door. It was locked and he couldn't spot anything out of place in there.
"Amanda?" he called out into the dark but he got no answer. He tried to think of possible scenarios. She clearly didn't want to be alone with him so that's probably why she hadn't let him in her car. Especially not if he now was drunk too. Could she have taken a cab with him back to his hotel? No then she would have put him in a cab on his own and then been back to get her car. She could have taken the subway he thought. But if Shane had made his way back to the station in a drunken state he was being very persistent and was clearly not giving up until he got to talk to Amanda about whatever it was that was going on between the two. Maybe she had changed her mind and they were now talking it out somewhere? Maybe they were old lovers and Nick was just being stupid and butting in to stuff that wasn't his business? He didn't know what to think. He stood still for a minute not really thinking anything but then he shook his head. No, he trusted his gut feeling. Something was wrong. She would want to shake him off. He headed out onto the street and looked up and down. He saw no sign of them and didn't like the odds he had to find them, or rather her, out there. He turned around and went around to the back of the station. There was a car mechanic to one side behind the station and a daycare and a playground to the other side. He looked down the dark alley towards the playground and moved further down as he thought he saw something like a human form leaning against a brick wall. As he got closer he realized that it was Amanda hunched down and he hurried to get to her side.
Just as he'd thought her plan had been to ditch Shane. She just needed to get him out of the station first and that had meant a painful elevator ride down with him in a too small of a space. A ride that even though it was short had meant feeling his alcohol drenched breath come too close to her face and his hand on her arm before she could shake him off. Once down she hurried outside, crossing the parking lot quickly, not aiming for her car but for the street. Under normal circumstances he could probably outrun her but now he was drunk and she knew she could take him. She crossed the street with a car honking at her. She ran down the street hearing him call 'Mandy' after her several times. She took a left at the corner, ran up the street and then across it. Turned right and then another right, ran down two blocks and then left into the alley by the daycare that she knew would take her back to the station. She hadn't stopped once and now as the dark embraced her she finally were able to stop and take many deep breaths until she felt oxygenized again. She kept close to the brick wall checking behind her in case he would catch up to her. As she reached the station though she thought she saw a male figure out on the street and she feared he was still lingering around. She retracted back into the alley and hunched down towards the wall. She at least felt somewhat safe in the darkness.
"It's just me. It's Nick," he said as he got closer and noticed that she shied backwards as soon as she saw him coming. The lightning were bad in the alley and he couldn't read her face.
"Are you okay?" he asked and reached out to touch her arm but she shied away again. She nodded but that didn't convince him. He'd left his arm out and he stepped closer even though he got she didn't want to. He grabbed a hold of her arm and searched down until he had her hand in his.
"You're trembling," he whispered as he concluded with touch what he thought he picked up with his eye. She hated this. Showing him her weakness. She wasn't a damn damsel in distress. She could take care of herself. Or so she'd thought. Right now she felt like she was falling into pieces and she couldn't even retort with a snappy comment, one of those who usually had him turn away in anger and just leave her alone. She wanted to pull her hand back but she felt unable to do so. His touch made her somehow feel safe and safe was all she wanted to feel right now.
"He's not out there. Let me drive you home," Nick said and expected resistance. She remained quiet though. And still, except for the trembling that still had power over her body he felt as he kept her hand in his own. When she didn't say anything he carefully pulled at her hand to get her moving. Again he expected resistance but she didn't fight him. As they got a few steps he let her have her hand back as he felt her pull at it. He made sure she followed him though. He could tell she got wary as they got out of the alley.
"I'm right here," he said in an attempt to make her feel a bit safer. They managed to get to his car and they both got in. He handed her the box that laid on his seat and she took it from him. He tossed his jacket in the backseat and then buckled in. Amanda did the same and Nick drove out of there. She felt relieved by the tinted windows in his car but still kept an eye out for Shane as they got out on the street. He didn't know her exact address but knew it was in Williamsburg so he headed for the bridge. It was a weekday and it was late so there wasn't much traffic out on the streets. He kept throwing looks her way. She kept her head slightly to the side, gazing out the window. He could tell by the hands on the box that her trembling had stopped and he felt grateful she seemed to have calm down at least on the surface. Her hair was as usual up in a high ponytail which left her neck and ear exposed. Nick found himself admiring her light, flawless skin. The streetlights making her skin look even more like translucent alabaster and her hair glistering with every passing light. Her neck looked inviting and he couldn't help but smile as his eye landed on her ear. Those ears of hers. Perfectly shaped and whenever her hair was out they seemed to have a habit of peeking through. He silently adored that. He couldn't remember a time when he'd ever admired a woman's ears before. He was truly loosing it he thought and took a deep breath to focus back on reality. The reality was she was his co-worker, partner, the one he'd supposed to keep safe and the other way around. Right now she was in a fragile state, not feeling safe and it was his job to make her feel safe. That was all he should think about right now.
"Okay you have to guide me from here on," he said as they drove of the Williamsburg bridge. Amanda raised her hand and pointed ahead to the left. She gave him two street names and he followed her directions down the two streets.
"And then it's at the end of this street," she pointed and he made a left turn after the opposing car had passed them. He was looking around at the houses. He remember her asking for some advice when she was about to buy the flat. She'd just been in town for a couple of months and she wasn't sure about the reputation of the borough. His mind was occupied with memories of their conversations back then when he was startled by a strong reaction of hers.
"Keep driving," she said quickly as she hunched down the seat suddenly not remembering the windows were tinted. Nick immediately looked further down the street and saw only one male figure by a door to the right side of the street. He kept the speed the same and as he passed the figure even Nick recognized Shane and realized that had to be her front door. Shane seemed to just stand there with his palms against the door, not even turning his head as they drove past. They reached the end of the street and Nick took a right. He drove in to the curb and shut the engine off.
"Is there another way in?" he asked as he turned to her. She shook her head as she sat back up in the seat. She kept staring ahead but her eyes seemed unfocused.
"There's a garage. But the chip to the gate is in my car," she said quietly with a hint of disappointment in her voice. He looked ahead as he tried to gather his thoughts.
"You can stay at my place," he said as he turned back to her. Her eyes shifted briefly sideways to meet his, her face had a big warning sign over it.
"I mean Zara's room, the couch..." he didn't know how to continue.
"Thank you but," she didn't know how to continue either and the car fell silent as she looked away again.
"You know what. No. He doesn't have the right to prevent you from entering your own home," he decided and looked at her seriously. She looked back at him with an iffy expression on her face this time around.
"We're going in there okay. Together. I'll make sure he doesn't come close to you. Okay?" She still looked hesitant.
"Together okay?" he repeated and finally got a nod. Not a stern and secure nod but still a nod so he got the keys out and stepped out onto the street. When he got up on the curb she'd just stepped outside. She looked anything but comfortable and it angered him that a person made the otherwise so sound and confident detective this way. Whatever he'd done to her it had to be bad but Nick couldn't speculate on that right now cause then his anger would take the better of him. He knew he had an anger problem he needed to keep under control. This was one of those times he needed to be levelheaded and he swore not to let her down. She held the box close to her chest as they started walking towards her street. She hesitated at the corner, took a deep breath and then got going again. Her front door was only two doors down so they knew Shane would probably spot them soon after they made that corner. Nick kept himself a step ahead of Amanda as they got closer. He focused his eyes on Shane who was now pounding at the door. Just as expected Shane spotted them approaching. Again a shade of anger flashed over his eyes as he spotted Nick by her side but then the hollow face came back. He stepped off the single step that led up to her front door and they noticed the slight fumble in his step as he turned towards them. Clearly drunk.
"Mandy," he said and looked at her with pleading eyes. He moved only a few steps towards them so they caught up to him not far from the door.
"Please Mandy, let's just talk," he pleaded and tried to reach her but Nick put a palm in his chest and pushed him backwards so Amanda could get to the door.
"Oh common man," Shane said as he briefly let his eyes off Amanda and on to Nick. The alcohol in his breath was evident and the southern drawl even wider it seemed. Nick had noticed that trait in Amanda too during one of the famous tequila races she often seemed to get caught up in with different detectives. She never backed out of a dare but she could hold her liquor, Nick knew that by now. Shane didn't seem to hold his liquor that good though. Nick just shook his head at him.
"Mandy. Common girl. Talk to me," he begged as his eyes went back to her. Nick wanted to make sure Amanda hadn't changed her mind and threw a look over his shoulder at her. She was just a step behind, trying to get the key into the door with again trembling hands. The expression on her face spoke volumes and made it clear her mind had not changed. She was paler than he'd ever seen her, eyes wide and wild and as mentioned hands now trembling again. Nicks rage grew in an instance and he grabbed a fist of Shane's sweater as he turned back to him. He pushed him a few steps backwards and stared the man down.
"Look mister, I don't know you but I don't like you. You stay the hell away from her," his voice were filled with hatred but it didn't seem to register to Shane who kept looking beyond Nick.
"Mandy I'm sorry okay," Shane slurred.
"Hey," Nick almost yelled and dug even deeper with his fist. Finally he seemed to get the man's' attention.
"Hear me. Get the fuck away from here. I have a gun and a badge and believe me I'll use them if you're still out here when I get back down. Drunk and disorderly, you'll see the inside of the NY lockup and I'll make sure they lose the key for a at least a couple of days," he wasn't lying. He seemed to have finally gotten through to the man, through layers of booze and stupidity and he was finally quiet. Nick had heard the door open behind him and he quickly let go of the man's sweater and walked inside after Amanda. He made sure the door closed shut behind them and the last look he through Shane he saw him remain in the spot he'd been left in. Amanda had hurried to the elevator and waited in the open doors for him.
"Which floor?" he asked as he were the one that ended up closest to the buttons.
"Third," even that short word came out sounding frail. He pushed the number three button and the car started moving as soon as the door had closed behind them.
"You okay?" he asked and got a nod for an answer. He didn't buy it. They reached her floor and she stepped out ahead of him. He followed her down the corridor and gave her room as she stopped in front of a door to get it open. He wasn't sure if he should leave right away or if he should step inside for a while to make sure she was doing okay. She stepped inside and slid her boots of rather quickly. She then quickly moved inside and left the door wide open which he took as an invite. He stepped inside and closed the door behind him. He stepped out of his shoes and as he stepped into the room she'd made her way over to the window without turning the light on. Smart move cause Shane wouldn't know exactly which apartment she was in incase he was still out there. He watched her silhouette against the window. She was truly petite he thought.
"Is he still out there?" he asked and felt bad when he saw her twitch at the sound of his voice. He figured she might have forgotten he was there.
"I don't know. Can only see like half the curb from here," she answered with her eyes still searching the street. She backed away from the window and as she got to the middle of the room she turned towards him. She was still clutching on to the package in her arms.
"I need to use the bathroom," she said quickly and headed towards another door. She disappeared quickly. He soon heard yet another door open and close. He stood planted for a while, let his eyes go round the room. It was too dark to make out any colors of the place but it looked to be in the darker shades. The room looked cozy, like someone lived there and enjoyed doing so. A couch, a table, a rather big flat screen, a book shelf. He could imagine Amanda in this room. All snuggled up on the couch, feet on the table probably. He walked over to the window and had a look outside without moving the sheer curtains. He couldn't see Shane either but she was right about not seeing the entire curb. He turned around and had a look around the room from that angle. He listen for any sounds from the connecting room but when he heard nothing he started walking around carefully again. He found a stack of books by the couch and had a look at the titles. He saw authors like Dickens, Tolstoy and Twain. Books he'd heard of but never really read. He was somewhat surprised by the kind of books she seemed to read even though he'd never actually discussed literature with her so he had no way of knowing. He smiled as he saw Edgar Allan Poe's name in the stack, now that was an author he'd read. He saw a stack of Blue rays by the flat screen and walked over. He was expecting old classics but were in for a surprise. He found The Avengers, Wolverine and other superhero movies. She had good taste in movies he concluded. He smiled as he saw which disc was in the DVD. Kick-ass. He'd seen it and it wasn't bad actually. He found it truly fitting, on more than one occasion he'd heard Amanda being described as kick-ass. In his eyes it wasn't a bad thing to be called and it did suit her. He rose back up and his eyes searched the room for something. He didn't find it. No personal affects. No frames, photos, family heirlooms as far as he could see. The only thing on her wall except for a simple bookshelf were a painting. He couldn't tell what type of painting it was but it was of a simple farm house with a big field of crops behind it. The wind were blowing through the crops and the sky was clear. It was a peaceful painting to look at. He thought about having another look out the window when he heard something from the other room. His curiosity got the better of him as it usually did and he sneaked over to the door. He push the door open carefully and had a look inside. He spotted her before she him. She had crawled up on her bed, sat cross-legged with the now open box in front of her. She had removed her jacket and were dressed in only her jeans and her short sleeved white blouse. She was looking down at something square she was holding in her hands. Her hair was out now and framed her face beautifully as the lights from the outside fell over her frame. He knocked carefully on the door.
"Can I come in?" he asked as she looked up at him. He saw her nod and made his way inside. It felt a bit forbidden for some reason, being in her bedroom, but he still walked up to her. As he reached the bed she handed him the frame she was holding on to and he received it from her. He noticed the hair around her face was damp as though she had washed her face. She looked a bit more refreshed than when he last saw her. He watched her reach down into the box and pick up another frame. He finally looked down at the one he was given. Two young blond girls peeked back up at him and he immediately recognized Amanda even though she couldn't be more than about ten years old at the photo. The same smile, same curious blue eyes and same wild blond hair. She was climbed up on a fence in front of a farm, crops in the background. Looked almost as she was placed in the painting he'd seen in her living room if it weren't for the different colors on the actual farmhouse. She wore jeans shorts and a white tee with a washed out peace sign on it. Sneakers on her feet. He reckon it was her sister Kim on the fence beside her. He wasn't sure how old Kim were, had only seen her passing by outside the station with Amanda a few weeks ago. Liv had filled him in on some trouble the sister was in and Nick had just expected that the sister was much younger but at this photo they looked no more than two-three years apart. They both looked happy, with rosy cheeks and messed up dos.
"The package's from my mom," she said. He looked up from the photo and over to her. She kept her eyes on her photo though as she talked.
"I didn't bring much when I transferred," she continued with some sadness to her voice. As she continued though her voice grew stronger: "My sister was here a few weeks ago and I reckon she told my mom about..."
"The lack of photos," he filled in when she seemed lost for words and their eyes met briefly. She nodded with a hint of a smile on her face. He looked closer at his photo again.
"You and your sister look awfully cute in this one," he said with a big smile. "Did you grew up on a farm?" He looked up when he heard her chuckle at his question. She had averted her eyes back down on her photo again.
"We could barely keep our apartment with my dad's gambling an all," she informed him with some spite to her voice. Nick didn't know how to respond to that. He knew about Amanda's gambling addiction and it didn't surprise him it ran in the family, addiction often did. He himself struggled with rage, the same kind he'd seen in his father's eyes whenever he'd bounced his mother around the walls. Amanda knew all too well addiction could run in the family. She had inherited her addiction from her dad even though she didn't think it could happen in a million years. Her dad had cause the family and her childhood so much strain she still had a hard time coming around the fact she'd slipped down that same road. But she still counted her blessings. Her sister had inherited both a week psyche and a drug habit from their mother. Though their mother didn't have a diagnosis Amanda was sure there was something going on there but their mother hid it well probably with the help of all those calming pills she popped every day. Kim got her diagnosis in her teens and the drug habit followed soon thereafter. Amanda would still pick gambling from the three choices even though it had almost cost her her job. She didn't want to dwell on it.
"My grandma grew up on a farm," she told him to get her mind on something happier. "She used to take me and Kim on long drives during the weekends, check out farms, pet animals, count cattle and stuff. We loved it," she looked up at him and handed him the frame she was holding on to. This one had an even younger Amanda all propped up on a couch with a newborn in her lap. The baby looked as it was fussing a bit and Amanda didn't seem all that pleased to be around it. She still tried a smile though and with two pigtails sticking out by both ears she looked adorable and Nick had to tell her.
"Adorable," he smiled. Another chuckle came from her.
"Try scared shitless," she said and continued: "Kim wailed her entire first year, not the kid sister I wanted."
"Well you looked adorable even shitless," he said and looked up at her with a big smile. She'd pulled out a tee from the box and held it up in front of her.
"I should wear this to the next Mets game," she said as Nick read the text. Atlanta Braves. He shook his head at her.
"No?" she smiled as she let the tee go and it fell down into her lap. They both looked down the box.
"I ain't showing you that," she said as they both read North Atlanta High School on the yearbook cover.
"Disappointed," Nick teased as he handed her back the two frames. With a smile on her face she put them down into the box again, placed the tee above and then reset the lid on the box. Her hand swiped over the box. She looked up at him briefly and then turned her head sideways. She took a breath and then used both her hands to swipe her hair behind her ears as she looked back down on the box. Nick watched her every move. The room had been silent for a while and it got a bit awkward. Nick decided to make it even more so.
"What did Shane want to talk to you about?" he asked and watched her reaction closely. She kept her eyes down but even if he'd been able to watch them the darkness would probably have prevented him from reading anything into them. Her posture became a bit rigid again though as he watched her shoulders tense up. He saw her finger swipe across the edge of the box. She stopped at the corner and started fidgeting on it.
"What is he sorry for?" Nick played his last card. Her hand disappeared behind the box again and several minutes passed by without anything happening. Nick started to feel like he'd overstayed his welcome. He didn't feel entitled to pry. He felt sorry that he hadn't earned her trust so she'd be able to open up to him. And he wondered if she'd open up if it had been Fin standing there right now. He felt inadequate, not a feeling he felt comfortable with. He swallowed as he came to a decision.
"I'll leave you alone," he said quietly but hadn't even turned completely when she made him turn back around.
"Don't," she said and he quickly turned back. Her hand were extended towards him and left hanging in the air between them. He looked at it first and then further up to meet her eyes.
"Stay," she whispered. She'd looked almost desperate but then her face suddenly seemed to go all shy. She made an embarrassed face as she shook her head and slowly retracted her hand down to the box.
"Oh man that sounded... bad," she said quietly. He couldn't help but smile as he could see, even in the dark, that her cheeks blushed. She had a tendency to not be able to hide it when she got embarrassed. She got the same shade on her cheeks as she got when she grew angry. He found it endearing.
"I didn't mean for it to sound like... like I want you to sleep with me. Or I do. I mean I don't... not sleep sleep," she managed to tangle herself up even further and his smile expanded as did the blush on her cheeks. She looked up at him with a painfully embarrassed face but she seemed to relax quickly as he nodded at her as to explain he got it.
"I don't want to be alone," she managed to say. He could tell it was hard for her to admit.
"I get it. It's okay," he said to calm her even further.
"Sure?" she asked and he nodded. She took a deep breath as she too nodded. She crawled up backwards on the bed as he reached for the box to put it down by the bed. He felt far from limber as he put his knee up on the bed. Again he got the feeling he did something forbidden. He was climbing up onto her bed. His partners bed. Sure they were only going to sleep next to each other but the day had had him thinking more than some innocent thoughts and the excitement he felt right now didn't really feel completely righteous. She'd laid down on her side, facing him. They were both above the cover which felt a little bit more acceptable. Thankfully the bed were wide enough to leave some space between them as he laid down on his back. He adjusted his pillow and then himself until he found a spot that felt comfortable. His eyes wandered the ceiling for a bit as he listen to a car go by down on the street and watched its lights make small reflections on her ceiling. The hand closest to her were down on the bed and he felt the smooth material in the cover under his palm. The other hand were resting on his stomach. He took a deep breath and then turned his head towards her. He caught her looking at him before she hid behind her eyelids. He kept looking at her though. Her bottom hand had snuck underneath her pillow while the other one were making tiny circles on the sheet that was folded over the cover. Her hair had escaped from behind her ear and some strands had fallen down and forward over her neck. He couldn't hear her breathing but he saw her chest rise and fall calmly. Her eyes came back up and he focused on the white that were easier to spy in the dark. He smiled at her and she rewarded him with a tiny smile back. Her eyes stirred a bit, she felt a bit uncomfortable by his gaze. The situation she'd put them in were a bit awkward, she was aware of that but still thankful he was there by her side. He saw her swallow as though she was getting ready to do or say something. It took a while but then her hand slowly moved down towards his. He watched it for a bit but then returned to watch her face. Her eyes followed her hand down all the way though. When he felt her fingers reach his hand he turned it slowly around so she could sneak in her palm against his. Once her hand laid peacefully in his he dared to put his thumb down on top of it and he started rubbing it gently and soothing. Her skin felt smooth under his thumb. Her eyes had been fixed on their hands for a while when her whites appeared to him again. He saw her swallow hard again and he stopped the rubbing and waited for her next move. He really wasn't sure what was going on but he felt open for whatever. He saw her lips part. Her eyes disappeared as she bit down on her lower lip but soon their eyes had connected again. She let her lip go.
"He was my deputy chief back in Atlanta," she whispered and he held his breath. It would take awhile before she spoke again and he took only shallow breaths as he waited. Her eyes were hidden behind her eyelids.
"He crossed a line one night," she whispered as she looked back up at him. He could tell her eyes were tearing up cause of the increase of glistening in them.
"Part of the reason I had to get out of there," she whispered so quietly he barley heard her. He knew she wouldn't give him anymore when she smiled at him to cover up the teary eyes and embarrassment. But it was enough. He got it. Shane were one of the bad cops. One that probably used his power to get what he wanted. And he had wanted Amanda. Still wanted her Nick figured by what he'd seen tonight.
"Thank you for telling me," he whispered as he started rubbing her hand again. She swallowed hard as she tried to calm herself down again.
"Thank you for staying," she finally managed to whisper.
"Always," he whispered with a smile on his face. Her mouth turned slightly upwards. They laid completely still for several minutes connected by their hands and eyes. Then he saw her eyelids starting to flutter slightly. Soon they fell down only to race back up again. It happen two more times but on the third her eyes remained closed. Soon thereafter he felt her hand go completely relaxed in his hand. Her breathing became deeper and the sound soothed him. He kept her hand in his, kept moving his thumb over it. He fought the urge to reach out and caress away the strands of hair over her neck. Her deputy chief had crossed a line, he wouldn't do that. He knew he couldn't. It had clearly been hard for her just to ask him to stay, to share what she had just shared with him. He wouldn't violate the trust she'd shown him. He still didn't know what she'd been exposed to but he figured it was something severe. He based that on the state she'd been in ever since Shane first showed up at the station. He'd seen her chase down criminals on her own, bait herself, have a gun pointed at her head and never had he seen her show a single shred of vulnerability. But this man's presence had shook her up to the point she hadn't been functional. He had clearly hurt her in major way. He was probably the reason she thought so hard to hold her own, why the two of them butted heads so often. She was claiming her place, making sure no lines were crossed. And he would respect that. As he got sleepier though his thoughts got the better of him. He found himself admitting he wouldn't mind crossing a line with her as he laid there next to her in her bed. If she'd cross it with him of course. The barriers were coming down. His thoughts spun away from him. The last thing he saw before his own eyes fell shut were the curve of her upper lip. And the last thought was of how that lip would taste against his own. He fell asleep with a smile on his face.
