Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters you recognize from the books and movies. I do, however, own Lila and this plot.
Giving Up
Chapter Two
"I know well what I am fleeing from but not what I am in search of." - Michel de Montaigne.
Running away had never sounded good before. It made me think of pathetic low-lives and scaredy cats that couldn't face an ounce of confrontation. It surely had never been something I contemplated before. But now, it was sounding like the better option. Wonderful, even.
I could get away (even if it was running from a problem) and start all over again. I could try my hardest to forget about Remus and Tonks and whatever family they were going to have together and just take a breath of fresh air. I contemplated changing my name and perhaps dying my hair, just to make sure that the person I was (well, am now) was gone.
By now, several people had noticed that something was wrong with me. It was easy enough to spot who knew and who didn't just by how they looked at me when I first walked into a room; they either smiled politely or awkwardly, and then looked away. I could assume that some of them would think it was just the stress of an upcoming war (because who was not stressing out about this?) but a few of them knew what was really happening. Molly most definitely knew, Arthur most likely knew, and Kingsley (that damned, observant man) probably caught on as well. Would it be that much of a surprise if I couldn't take the stress and just…left? Whoever didn't know would have no clue as to the real reason why I was leaving. But Remus…he would definitely know, and I likely wouldn't make it out of the country without having to talk to him about it.
That part of me that was shuddering whenever I thought about being confronted with this…problem, gave a little cry of agony at that.
Some people would figure it out later, no doubt by the gossip that flew around the order faster than carrier pidgeons, but by then I could be long gone. I could go to Mexico, or France, or Italy…right now, anywhere sounded better than in the middle of a war. Or more importantly, anywhere sounded better than staying here and watching Remus and Tonks live happily ever after while I was still madly in love with that damned man.
And would I really be missed that much if I left, anyway? I offered a wand and a number to the masses, but I had no real skill that set me apart from anyone else. My dueling skills were average and when it came to strategizing and planning, I stepped back and let the more experienced Auror's do their job. I could make a potion, but really, who couldn't? It was following a recipe that was written down to a 't' and it really wasn't that hard, so that could hardly be counted as a skill.
But then there was one potion that I made on a monthly basis that had to be done correctly, and that was one thing that just everybody couldn't do. In fact, Dumbledore had said he could count the number of people who had perfected the recipe on both of his hands – though he could have just been trying to flatter me.
The Wolfsbane potion was a particularly nasty one to master, and the consequences of a botched batch constantly looming over me as I brewed it made it harder and harder to concentrate. There was the brief (and disgusting) thought as I stirred the potion seventeen times in a clockwise-fashion.
What if I made it wrong? Remus was cautious enough to keep himself well away from people during the night of the full moon, but without a properly made potion he would be in even more pain than normal. As I stirred the bubbling glue-like-matter in the cauldron, there was a traitorous part of me that wanted to mess it up. He would feel pain for a few minutes, and maybe he could get a taste of what I was feeling at the moment. I pulled the wooden spoon from the potion after seventeen stirs and immediately felt guilty for even thinking about it. What the hell was I doing? I couldn't knowingly hand Remus a potion that wouldn't work. For a split second, I wanted to, but I would never actually bring myself to do it.
Still, my face grew warm as I squinted at the opened book beside the cauldron to make out the small words in the horrible lighting. I had been making this potion for years, but was always checking back to the book that I had…ahem, forgotten, to give back to the Hogwarts library, to make sure that everything was correct. An extra slice of shiverry root, an extra stir with the thirteen inch wooden spoon…and the entire thing would be irreversibly destroyed.
"Are you doing alright, dear?" Molly's voice made me jump and my head snapped up to look at the doorway so fast that something in my neck cracked painfully. I winced and tried to rub the soreness away with my palm. "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you."
"'s okay, Molly. I'm fine." I smiled, wondering how convincing I was sitting on the floor of a dark room with my clothes covered in dust and barely enough light to read. She stepped inside and flipped the switch, though the flickering light bulb didn't offer much better lighting than before.
"There, that's better," she smiled sincerely, looking around the empty room before her gaze finally landed back on me.
I shifted and pulled one of my knees up to my chest, looking back down at the book that lay on the ground before me.
Two pinches of ground Calluous.
I had to lean over and stretch, flailing my arm around until I was finally able to grab the handle of my well-used bag and dragged it over. A small vile was somewhere at the bottom, but it only took me a moment to find it, uncap it and give it a sniff. I recoiled immediately and Molly laughed, walking to where I had my miniature laboratory set up and looking over my shoulder as I took two pinches and stirred it into the thick, bubbling green potion.
"I've never understood potions, but Fred and George are brilliant with them. Though, I'm sure they use them for as much bad as they do good." She chuckled and I briefly hummed to show that I was listening as I stirred the potion twenty-two times in a counter-clock-wise fashion.
"This is the one thing that comes naturally to me," I said when Molly had gone quiet.
"How're you handling it?"
"Like I normally do," I glanced over my shoulder to give Molly what I really hoped was a comforting smile. "This'll turn out like it always does. It's been a while since I've made it wrong and I won't be doing that again." I gave the cauldron a grimace and rested my chin on my knee.
"I didn't mean the potion," Molly scoffed and I caught her giving the old potions book on the floor a dirty look. She sat down beside me and took a moment to cross her legs and get comfortable.
Oh, Merlin. This was it. She waited until the perfect moment when I was alone in a room to corner me and force me to talk. I eyed her as she adjusted her dress so that it didn't ride up past her calves.
"I meant about what happened last week."
And there it was – the real problem. Mexico was sounding wonderful at the moment. I had to shove aside the part of me that wanted to book it out of the room (and possibly out of the country) to think straight.
"I think that Moody's as mad as always, but the plan for next month should go off without a hitch," I answered without skipping a beat. I could feel her disapproving look on me like a spotlight but didn't dare look over at her. Instead, I flipped a page in the book and hugged my knee a little closer to my chest. Did she change the temperature in the room? I'm pretty sure that keeping people cold was step one in interrogation tactics.
"I didn't mean that either," she said, clearly exasperated.
"Then I don't follow," I lied, feeling guilty immediately after the words left my lips because there was no way in hell that Molly didn't know I was lying to her face. Well, lying to my knee, because I really didn't way to turn and actually look at her.
"Remus proposed to Tonks." She stated it as a fact, and that made it sting just a little more. She didn't ask if that was what happened because there was no way around it. He did propose to Tonks and she did say yes.
"So I've heard." I tried to come off as nonchalant as possible, but it clearly wasn't working and I wasn't sure, for the life of me, why I kept trying to hide it.
"Lila." I could tell by the 'here comes what you need to hear' tone that whatever followed wouldn't be sugared up to make me feel better. I pressed my mouth to the rough material of my jeans and used the wooden spoon to stir the potion twelve times, counting loudly in my head. "I know you're not okay with this, and I know why. But holing yourself up here isn't going to help and it's certainly not healthy."
"I'm not holing myself up," I muttered to my leg, indignantly. "I need to make this potion. I do it every month and it's nothing out of the ordinary."
"You've been up here since breakfast and that is unusual, and whether you like it or not people are worried about how you've been acting lately." There was a silence after this, because I had no idea what to say to that. Thankfully, when I tilted my head to read the next instructions for the potion my hair fell forward to cover whatever view she could possibly have had of my face. I couldn't read on the words before me, so I just stared at the page and focused on breathing. Slowly and steadily. In and out. It suddenly felt like I couldn't breathe.
I held my breath and tried again to read the words on the page, but it was useless. I couldn't focus on that when my mind kept reliving the past week. I had tried to ignore Remus and keep myself as far away from his as possible but it wasn't working! I wasn't able to distance myself from him like I wanted to and despite the constant pleading to forget him, my mind wouldn't let me. Whenever I tried to forget about him, I remembered the years we spent together at school and all of the times he helped me with my homework. Whenever I tried to focus on someone else, I could only look at how inferior they appeared in comparison to him and it made me feel physically ill again.
I jolted when Molly reached forward and grabbed my hair, tugging the strands behind my ear. I took a deep breath through my nose but it came out as a sniffle and all of a sudden my 'wonderful' façade of indifference broke like glass.
The black words on the page blurred and all of a sudden I was crying, pressing my forehead against my knee and pulling my other leg up so that I could hug them both to my chest.
I hid my face from Molly, well aware that I was anything but a graceful crier. A particularly pathetic whine came out and I was mortified when she made a 'tsk' noise and scooted closer. She wrapped an arm around my shoulder and didn't seem to take 'no' for an answer when I attempted to scoot away. Molly had me in a famous 'death-hug' and all I could do was bury my face in my jeans and cry a little harder.
"It's going to be fine, Lila," she murmured, barely audible as she hugged me a little tighter.
"It's not!" I cried out, finally leaving the comfort of my fetal-position to turn my head to face Molly. "How can this be okay? They're going to get married and have a family and be fucking happy." My words were occasionally interrupted by a sharp intake of air, but for once in the past week, crying actually felt good. It didn't make me feel childish or foolish or like a terrible person for not wanting Remus and Tonks to be happy together. It just felt like everything that was supposed to be said was said and a fraction of a weight was lifted off my shoulders.
I heard the door squeak and I immediately turned my face away. Molly pulled away just a bit and looked over my shoulders to whoever had just opened the door.
"Moody and Kingsley are here for lunch and have been waiting for a while." I could tell by Ginny's voice that she knew she walked into something awkward.
"Tell them to wait a little longer. I'll be down in a bit, alright?" The door squeaked and closed quietly. I took another deep breath and sniffled, using the back of my wrist to get rid of any tears on my cheeks.
"You should go and help her," I said, vainly trying to act as if I had not just been crying my eyes out moments before. I pulled the sleeve of my jumper over my hand and used it to wipe my eyes.
"She'll be fine on her own. There aren't that many people coming over." She emphasized this with a flick of her wrist.
"I'll be fine, Molly," I insisted, turning and giving her what felt like the first true smile in a week. My eyes were probable red and puffy and I'm sure that I looked like a wreck, but she seemed convinced and shifted away.
"Well, alright. Please come down in a bit when you get hungry. He won't be coming over today," she added with a kind smile. I nodded and looked back to the potion in the cauldron.
By now, it had stopped bubbling and turned from a sickly green to lavender purple. Molly stood and brushed the dust off of her dress.
"I'm making some chicken and dumpling soup and sandwiches," she said with her hand on the doorknob, turning back and looking over the entire room once more before leaving.
I sighed and my foot shot out to kick the potions book. It slid across the floor and hit the wall with a dull thud. I froze when I heard Molly's footsteps pause not far from the door, and let out a breath I had been holding when she continued down the staircase.
The lavender potion was a wonderful color, but I refrained myself from kicking the cauldron over in agitation. Instead I rubbed my face vigorously and ran my fingers through my hair. I really had to get a hold of myself.
Through my pity-party, I had forgotten to add the extra pinch of calluous and stir it with a metal rod. While the color of the potion was much prettier, it should be a sickly yellow color with a hint of mucus-green.
With a groan, I stood and brushed the dust off of my pants. I knelt down and shuffled through my bag until I found a hair tie and used it to throw my hair up into a low ponytail, just neat enough to keep my hair out of my face.
Now, I really had to focus. I had lost hours upon hours on that potion, and it was now useless. It wouldn't cure a stuffy nose, let alone keep Remus safe while he transformed.
I stooped down to grab the cauldron and held it against my hip while I opened the door and kicked it shut behind me with the heel of my shoe. There was a bathroom on one floor down that I could clean the cauldron in, but by the nearby footsteps I could tell that several people were walking along those hallways. I turned and started hiking up the staircase to the next floor up, intent on avoiding as many people (and distractions) as possible until the potion was made right.
Beta: Shira Lansys.
Author's note: Yes…I totally made up 'calluous' and 'Shivvery Root', but you may use them if you wish to come up with random potion ingredients. :)
Song: When I'm Alone by Lissie.
