AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the fabulous feedback…
You Were Mine
Chapter Five.
SECRET
We dance round in a ring and suppose
While the secret sits in the middle and knows.
- Robert Frost
Blair lay in bed for the rest of the night thinking about all that had come before that moment in the rain. The bickering, the bantering, the friendship that she had relied on for most of her life. Chuck Bass had not been love at first sight, or second, or even third. He'd been the boy on the gray edges of her life, a temptation urging her to do bad things. She'd tried her first joint with him, drank her first glass of scotch, and topped it all off by having sex for the first time with him in the back of his limo. No one else ever could have convinced her to do any of those things, but with Chuck it had been different. He never had to convince her. He just had to give her that challenging look of his, and she fell for the bait every time. It didn't matter if everyone else thought she was a good girl, she never wanted him to think that. Too good equaled too boring to him, and that was worse than death in her book… at least when she was 16.
His breath tasted of Scotch and his hands felt like smooth fabric sliding up her thighs. She'd worn the black dress, the one he'd helped her pick out, and he'd smiled when she climbed into his limo. Her father had brought his new boyfriend home for the first time, and her mother had locked herself in the bathroom with a bottle of Xanax. Blair hadn't been able to take it any longer, so she'd called Chuck. She'd dialed Serena first but hung up before her friend could answer. She didn't need sympathy; she needed reality. If nothing else, Chuck provided her with that.
"How bad?" He asked twenty minutes into the drive.
She was glancing out of the window, watching the city pass them by. She had no idea where he was taking her and she didn't care. She just had to leave her life for a while. She was sick of being Blair Waldorf, sick of having crazy parents… sick of everything.
"I don't want to talk about it," she mumbled under her breath. She'd picked Chuck because he wouldn't push her. He wouldn't insist on heavy emotional talks that left her drained and worse off than when she started. Serena, though well meaning, would do just that.
"Have a drink." He handed her his flask, and she took it without a word.
The alcohol went down smoothly, and she kept drinking until there was barely a drop left. He took it from her and placed it back inside his coat pocket on the seat beside them. She wasn't sure she'd even seen Chuck Bass in anything but a suit, and the thought made her giggle out loud. He frowned at her but didn't comment.
"You're so pressed and polished," she teased him. She moved closer to him on the seat and laid her head on his shoulder so she could look up at him.
He glared down at her, but there was no real heat in his eyes. "You better not puke in my limo," he told her seriously and tried to push her off of him. She refused to budge though and moved in even closer. His shirt was soft against her cheek and she loved that she was annoying him. He got so snappy when he was pissed.
"I think you should kiss me." She threw it out there like it was nothing. In truth, she'd been thinking about it for a few months, ever since sophomore year had started. Nate and Serena had each other and all they ever did was kiss (and do other unsavory things Blair refused to think about). Blair had kissed a few guys (Chuck being one of them at way too young of an age to enjoy it), but it had never meant anything. All the guys she'd thought could be good boyfriends had turned out to be duds, and she was tired of waiting.
"You're drunk." He rolled his eyes at her.
"I'm stone cold sober… Don't you think I'm pretty?" Her question came out sounding shy and searching, and she cringed. She hated her own insecurities and did her best to keep them down. Tonight had already been hell though, and her defense system was down.
"That's a stupid question, Blair," he snapped and forcefully pushed her off of him again. She frowned at him and tried to ignore the pricking sensation behind her eyes. She'd never live it down if she cried in front of him. He hated any sign of weakness. "Please don't cry." He looked physically pained by the possibility.
"Just take me back home, Chuck," she whispered. She moved as far away from him as she could and started to look back out the window again. She didn't see anything this time, though. Her embarrassment was sending a flush over her body. Mortification was not a good color on her. She'd look like a cherry by the time they got back to her penthouse.
"Of course I think you're pretty," he said a few minutes later. "You're beautiful," he said this so nonchalantly, like it meant nothing. It meant something to her, though.
She turned back towards him and slowly edged closer. He wasn't meeting her eyes, and she couldn't hide her smile. Chuck Bass, the ultimate ladies man, thought she was beautiful. It felt nice. The first nice thing all evening.
"Don't look at me like that." He turned towards her with a forbidding look. He used that to scare people off, but she wasn't going anywhere. "I'm no good for you," he told her truthfully.
"I don't really care," she whispered in return.
There were only a few inches left between them. She was staring up at him with shining brown eyes, and he was looking down at her with something akin to fear in his gaze. There was longing there, too. For the first time she recognized it as such and her spirits soared. She had him.
"Kiss me, Chuck," she demanded. It came out more as a whimper, though, and that was the last bit of sanity either of them held onto that night.
He moved towards her slowly, giving her a chance to back out, but she didn't even take a breath as she waited. She wasn't creating fairytales about Chuck Bass in her head. She knew he didn't do girlfriends, especially not girlfriends like her. That ceased to matter that night, though. Blair needed to feel wanted, special, amazing. She found all of that in his eyes, in his touch, in him.
He kissed by the book, she would giggle later, comparing him to Romeo. He'd roll his eyes and grin at her. The reality was so much better than the fantasy. He was easy and gentle, hard and demanding. He didn't treat her like a china doll, and she didn't act like one. He ripped her dress and she messed up his hair. The cold leather slid against her sweat-soaked back, and she ached for him in a way she'd never ached for anyone.
Afterwards they lay awkwardly in each other's arms. She'd stolen his shirt and forced him to remain in his boxers. He felt undignified, and she felt free.
"Do you love me now?" She teased him. "You popped my cherry." She tried to be as vulgar as she could, and he finally laughed at loud, appreciating her efforts. "Chuck Bass: the devirginizer. I can't wait to tell, Serena," she giggled some more.
He smiled down at her, and it felt so good. Everything and nothing had changed in that back seat. He was still her best friend. And whether they said it out loud or not, they loved each other. Maybe it wasn't fairytale romance, but it was comfort and trust and lust sometimes.
"Serena's going to kill me," he groaned. He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a joint. He lit it and pulled a lazy drag from it before handing it to her. She stared at it for a moment before figuring what the hell and taking it. "It'll relax you," he promised.
"Is that concern in your voice, Charles?" She couldn't help herself from pushing him. So much of her life was fantasy and fake pleasantries. She didn't want any part of that here. She wanted to say exactly what was on her mind without worrying about the consequences. If anyone could appreciate that, it would be him.
"You're trouble." he laughed with her.
She flipped over so she was laying half way on top of him and stared down at his face. His eyes were becoming a bit glassy and, in this vulnerable position, he almost looked like a boy. She reached out and ran her fingers over his face, memorizing the rises and falls, the lines and smoothness…
"You're beautiful," she murmured before leaning down and kissing him again.
"It'll hurt if we do it again," he warned her as she climbed on top of him. She knew enough to know he was ready to go, but his words stopped her.
"I feel fine," she assured him and kissed him again. He kissed her back and tasted of Scotch and pot. She was surprised to realize it wasn't a bad combination. "It's only for tonight, Chuck. I want to get my money's worth," she joked.
He didn't laugh with her this time. He wasn't upset either, though. He put the joint out and latched one hand onto her thigh holding her in place, while he used the other to reach up and touch her cheek. His palm slid across her face, and she closed her eyes and leaned into it.
"You're going to pay me?" His voice was soft and seductive. It lulled her to a peaceful place. A new tension rose in the air. Things were no longer playful and flirty. "Look at me, Blair," he demanded.
She opened her eyes and peered down at him. Her heart stuttered in her chest and tears formed behind her eyes. She wasn't sure where the emotion came from but, before she knew it, he was wiping away her tears.
"You're going to be okay," he swore and, when he said it, she believed him. "Stay with me tonight?" It sounded like a question, and Chuck Bass never asked. He ordered and demanded and assumed, but he never asked.
She nodded. "Now you'll have to pay me," she told him cheekily.
"Blair?" Blair awoke to find Carter sitting on the hotel bed beside her. He looked tired and weary. Usually she would have reached up to give him a welcoming kiss, but she didn't have the energy today.
"Good morning." She managed a small smile before she got up and locked herself into the bathroom. She listened to him undress in the next room and waited as he climbed into bed. Ten minutes later, he began his deep breathing thing, which meant he was fully asleep.
Blair wasn't sure what the plan for today was. Jack had never called, and she knew she needed to meet with him. They had to be careful, though. The first hint of betrayal and Chuck would be all over both of them. There was also the Serena factor. Blair knew she should at least call and thank her for speaking with Chuck. Things were so heavy with Serena. though. It felt almost impossible to get through a civil conversation with her. Still, sacrifices had to be made.
"Serena?" Blair called on her way out of the hotel.
"At your service," the chirpy blonde responded. Blair cringed. Happiness was not a comfortable concept for Blair.
"It's Blair." Blair felt this an unnecessary announcement but the silence was becoming deafening. It was amazing how they could go from conversations that lasted hours to ones that couldn't last for a full five minutes.
"I know, Blair." Serena still sounded so carefree. "Did you need something?"
"I wanted to thank you… for speaking with Chuck." Blair added to make sure Serena understood why she was calling. This wasn't for social purposes. Right, Blair, she scoffed at herself. You don't need her at all.
"So, he spoke with you?" Serena asked hopefully.
"We attempted it," Blair admitted. In truth, she needed to talk to someone about the night before. It couldn't be Carter, for obvious reasons, and her mother was out as well because Eleanor loathed Blair's ex husband even more than Carter did. That left Serena.
"That sounds about right," Serena sighed on the other end. "Do you want to drop by my place… talk… I know things aren't the same, Blair…" She struggled to say more.
Blair quickly contemplated the scene in her head. She would come by, they would fake hug, make fake pleasantries, and then Blair would pretend to take whatever Serena's advice would be. In the end, it would be a wasted trip and futile effort.
"I'm afraid I can't today, Serena. Thank you for the offer. I'm sure we'll see each other soon." Blair hung up before Serena could respond. It was just as well. She couldn't get entangled here again. She had one goal. Parker. It was always about Parker.
Chuck decided to take the day off of work and send Jack to the meetings he had scheduled. Jack had salivated at the idea and Chuck wasn't ready to let Parker out of his sight. His son had been up since 6 am and hadn't stopped talking about his monkey friends yet. He especially loved the "butt monkeys" as he called them and decided he'd rather have one of them than a horse. It was enough to make Chuck call a pony broker and put in an order. There would be no butt monkeys in his penthouse.
"I wanna go out, Daddy." Parker gave him the pouty face, and Chuck stopped building the Lego house he'd had sent up earlier. "It's sunshiny, and S always says we should enjoy the sun. Can we go visit her?"
"S is probably working," Chuck answered quickly. The last thing he wanted to do was be around his sister's prying eyes. She would no doubt begin asking about Blair, and Chuck just might be dumb enough to mention their meeting from the night before. He couldn't get it right in his own head, so he surely didn't want Serena poking around in there.
"She's off. I checked." Parker gave him a wide smile, and Chuck knew he had been bested. "I'll get my jacket." Parker took off like a rocket before Chuck even got the word "okay" out of his mouth.
"The blue one, Parker!" Chuck yelled after him. "It's cold out."
Chuck grabbed his cell phone and shot a quick text to Serena, telling her they were coming over. She responded immediately with a smiley face and Chuck rolled his eyes. Hopefully Parker would keep her too occupied to interfere with him and all the ridiculous issues he had with his ex-wife. It amazed Chuck that he was still so fucked up over it all. He'd done a hell of a job putting his and his son's lives back together when she'd gone off the rails, but it seemed like it all went to hell every time she reappeared.
"Ready!" Parker announced as he jumped off the last step and rushed over to Chuck.
Chuck's phone rang as they were exiting the building, and he glanced down at it quickly. It was Georgina. She must have finally gotten his message about canceling lunch. He clicked ignore. It would only be a bunch of bitching and whining and him promising to make it up to her. He wasn't in the mood today. He would call her after Parker went to bed that night. Maybe a trip to Aspen would please her. It would get her out of his hair for a while, at least. He couldn't handle both Georgina and Blair in the same town.
Serena opened the door before they even knocked and Parker rushed inside. He found Nate's Game Boy and immediately started playing. So much for keeping Auntie S occupied. Chuck frowned at his son before taking a deep breath and facing Serena.
"I talked to Blair," she told him straight off. He nodded but said nothing. She'd have to drag it out of him. "How did it go? Did you discuss Parker?" Serena pulled Chuck into the kitchen and out of Parker's hearing range.
"Is there anything else to discuss?" Chuck returned easily. His face was a mirror of apathy but his thoughts were already churning inside. He hated talking about Blair. He especially hated discussing her with Serena.
"That's a loaded question, Chuck. I'll do you a favor and not answer it just yet." Serena raised her eyebrows at him, and he rolled his eyes back at her. He knew what she was hinting at, but he simply refused to go there. "What did you decide about Parker?"
"There is nothing to decide, Serena," Chuck snapped. "I'm his father. I'm doing what's best for him."
"Pure crap," Serena bit right back. "You're doing what's best for you. You know if you let Blair into Parker's life, you have to let her into yours too, and that scares the shit out of you. Might as well fess up, Chuck. We both know the truth." She gave him her beady-eyed look, and he turned away from her.
"I'm not scared of Blair." He gnashed his teeth together when he said her name. "I just don't want her kind of crazy around my son. He's been put through enough." Chuck firmly believed this was true. There was no telling when Blair would lose it again. He couldn't risk hurting Parker.
"You're right. He has been put through enough. So, why don't you and Blair get it together and stop putting him through more. This is going to turn into a war, Chuck, and the person who is going to lose the most is Parker. He's the least deserving of the heaps of bullshit you and Blair pile on each other," Serena practically growled at him.
"Thank you, Doctor Serena. How would I ever get through my life without your eloquent and thoughtful advice?" He turned away from her and stormed back into the living room. "Parker, grab your jacket! We need to go."
"Daddy!" Parker began to whine immediately.
"Chuck, just stop." Serena chased after him.
Before anything else could be said, there was a knock on the door and all three occupants of the apartment went silent.
"Expecting someone?" Chuck arched an eyebrow at her.
Serena shook her head. "Maybe Nate forgot his key again." She walked over to the door and swung it open. expecting her husband. She was shocked and a little dismayed to find Blair on the other side. She could just imagine the evil glare her brother was leveling at her just then.
"I changed my mind," Blair began, not noticing Parker and Chuck. "I need to talk to someone, and while you might not be the best option, you seem to be the only option, so…" Blair stopped short as she spotted her son peering up at her from his place on the floor. "Oh."
"You might as well come in." Serena grabbed her arm and pulled her in. Then she turned back to a glowering Chuck, who was gripping his cell phone so hard Serena thought he might snap it in two. Parker and Blair just stared at each other while Serena and Chuck faced off. "I didn't set this up before you go accusing me."
"Don't act like you haven't in the past," Chuck bit right back.
"Well, I didn't this time," Serena swore. "But," she looked between three of the people she loved most in the world and tried to smile, "it seems as if fate has other plans."
"Fate can-" Chuck began to say something profane, but both Blair and Serena shot him looks that quieted him instantly. "We're leaving."
"I don't want to leave, Daddy." Parker began wailing. "I'm bored at home. I want to stay here. Mommy is here. I want to stay with Mommy. Why can't I? Can I?" Parker directed this question at Blair, and she just stood there like a deer in the headlights.
Serena jumped in before more damage could be done. "Parker, maybe you should listen to your dad. Your mom and I need to talk and-"
"I'll be really quiet," Parker promised earnestly.
Serena turned to Chuck with beseeching eyes, but Chuck's attention was focused solely on his son. The look on his face scared Serena. There was panic and fear and a hint of self-loathing that Serena had thought was long past.
"Parker," Serena tried again.
"It's fine. I can go," Blair offered. She'd finally snapped out of her trance and was holding herself stiffly by the door. She didn't dare look in Chuck's direction because she knew he was furious. It would just set her back further if he thought she was ambushing him. He might accept it with BE, but clearly the rules were different with their son.
Blair turned to leave, but Chuck called out and stopped her. "No." His voice sounded gravely and hoarse. She finally glanced at him and saw that anger was not the predominant emotion on his face. In fact, he looked rather devastated. "Stay, Blair." It was a command.
"Thank you," she whispered as she walked past him to the couch. She sat down, and Parker climbed up beside her. Serena made mention of getting them all drinks and disappeared into the kitchen. "Hi, Parker." Blair smiled at him, hoping the words would come out evenly. She got a little choked up when she said his name, but she didn't cry.
"Do you have a Game Boy?" He asked with childlike enthusiasm. She shook her head because she wasn't sure she could speak, and he launched into an explanation of the games he played on it.
"Do you have a monkey?" He asked her next.
"Excuse me?" She sputtered.
Chuck's laughter sounded from behind her, and she looked up to find him hovering. His smile fell when their eyes met, but he explained anyway. "Parker wants me to buy him a monkey." He shrugged like this was nothing new.
"A monkey?" Blair paled at the thought.
"A butt monkey!" Parker cried out excitedly and did a little dance on the couch. He lost his footing and collapsed in Blair's lap, giggling all the way. Blair closed her eyes for a moment enjoying the feel of her child back in her arms, loving the way his laugh sounded, and his skin felt.
"What about a puppy?" Blair offered after a minute. That seemed a much safer bet. Monkeys had diseases. "I'm sure your father would get you a puppy." Blair looked up at Chuck beseechingly. She couldn't believe he was really considering buying their child a monkey.
Chuck leaned down so he could whisper in her ear. "I ordered a pony this morning."
Blair let out a relieved sigh and turned back to her son. "So… What else do you like doing?" She felt completely lost when talking to him and that pained her. She should know what he liked. She should know his favorite foods and animals and places and people, but she didn't. She didn't know any of it.
"Umm…" He bit his lip and glanced around the apartment seeming to search for an appropriate answer. When nothing came to him he looked up at his father, and Blair's stomach dropped. Chuck knew all those things. Chuck knew everything. "Daddy? Come sit." Parker patted the couch beside him.
Blair watched Chuck hesitate for a moment before he nodded and took his rightful place. Parker kept one hand on Blair and placed the other on his father like he was holding them there. Blair and Chuck both noticed and shared a look over his head.
"Drinks." Serena announced breaking the tension. She handed Blair and Chuck glasses of iced tea and handed Parker a juice box. He took it gratefully and began slurping while Serena took her seat in front of them. "Having a nice chat, are we?" She smiled so brightly it looked like her face might split open.
"Don't push it, Serena." Chuck glared.
"I told Mommy I wanted a butt monkey," Parker announced. He was completely oblivious to the tension in the room and they all wanted to keep it that way. "You should get one too, S. You'd like them," Parker said, all-knowing.
Serena nodded. "I don't think Uncle Nate would like them, though."
Parker frowned and nodded. "Probably not. You can come visit mine, though."
"Parker…" Chuck gave him a warning look.
"Please, Daddy?" Parker climbed into his lap and grabbed Chuck by the cheeks so he had to look Parker right in the eyes. Those damn eyes got Chuck every single time.
"Chuck," Blair seemed a little panicked.
"He's not totally insane," Serena interjected. "Don't worry."
"No monkeys," Chuck told his son sternly. Parker's lip began to pout out and he whimpered softly, but Chuck's expression never changed. "You can visit them at the zoo. Final offer." Chuck gave him an all business look, and Parker scrunched up his little face in anger.
"Fine," he deflated quickly. He climbed off of Chuck and hopped back onto Blair, shocking her for a moment. He just laughed at the funny expression on her face and patted her lips. "You have a funny face," he told her seriously.
"Funny bad?" Blair smiled down at him.
"Funny like a mommy," he returned with a shy smile. Blair smiled back. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Chuck watching them. She wondered what he thought. If he was jealous or if he hated her for this, or if he felt even a little bit bad that he'd taken this from both her and Parker. She would never know though, because he would surely never tell her.
"You look funny like a kid," she returned. She leaned down popping a quick kiss on his forehead.
"Daddy?" Parker turned back to Chuck, and Blair felt the loss of her moment. "Can Mommy come with us to the zoo? I want to show her the butt monkeys. Please. Pretty please." Parker began begging before Chuck could even get a word out. He climbed back to Chuck and grabbed his face again. Blair realized he did this when he wanted Chuck's full attention and smiled to herself. Never in her life did she think Chuck would let anyone do that to him. He didn't even blink when their son did it, though.
"Blair's not a zoo person," Chuck answered quickly.
"I love the zoo," Blair jumped in. "And I want to see the butt monkeys…" It was hard for her to get that out, but she managed without wincing. Parker released Chuck's face, and Chuck turned to look at her. He seemed to size her up for a minute as she waited breathlessly. He could easily tell her to shove off, since she had no recourse at this point. She was at his mercy, and she hated that. "Please, Chuck…" Her voice wavered.
"Come on, Chuck…" Serena tried as well.
Parker stared up at Chuck, and Chuck stared down at his son. It was a heavy moment – everyone knew it but that little boy. Chuck's decision could change everything.
"Daddy?" Parker seemed confused by the look on his father's face. Blair wasn't, though. There was reverence there, love, compassion, confusion… Acceptance. That was when Blair knew she'd won the battle. Chuck loved Parker more than he hated her.
"Okay," Chuck agreed. "Tomorrow afternoon. We'll pick you up, Blair." Blair nodded eagerly. "Just you." His eyes bored into hers, and she nodded again. "Time to go, Parker. Say goodbye to Serena and Blair," he added as an afterthought.
Parker hugged Serena quickly before grabbing Blair's hand and dragging her over to the door with him. He tugged her down so he could whisper in her ear. "You'll love the butt monkeys, Mommy." Then he kissed her cheek quickly before releasing her and walking out with Chuck.
Blair watched them go in a daze. The smile on her face wouldn't go away. Happiness… It felt weird after all this time. It felt good. Her son had kissed her cheek. Chuck was letting her go to the zoo. Everything was falling into place… Except Jack Bass. She said a quick goodbye to Serena before heading off. She was a woman on a mission.
