AUTHOR'S NOTE: It's been way too long but at 2:30 in the morning this came to me. Go figure.
You Were Mine
Chapter Five.
HURT
I wear this crown of thorns upon my liar's chair.
Full of broken thoughts I cannot repair.
Beneath the stains of time the feelings disappear.
You are someone else.
I am still right here.
- Johnny Cash
Blair knocked on Jack's door three times before she tried the knob. Surprisingly, or maybe not since this was Jack, the door was unlocked. She took a deep, fortifying breath before she went in. Everything hinged on Jack keeping his mouth shut and not telling Chuck about their little plan. It had all sounded perfect to Blair when Jack had first brought it to her five months ago. She and Carter would buy BE stock, come in and screw up Chuck's life, weaken him until Jack took control, Chuck would be down, and Blair would go in for the kill. She'd steal her son back when Chuck was at his weakest, just like he'd done to her. It had all seemed so… right.
Doubts were starting to creep in. Chuck wasn't the man she married. The man she married had been living in Bart's shadow, sharing his father's glories but never creating any of his own. That Chuck was long gone. Now he sat at the top of his own empire and, from what Blair could see, he was doing damn well for himself. He ruled with an iron fist, like all Basses were born to do, but his business associates and employees seemed to respect him. They trusted his judgment. Jack had made it seem like an easy feat knocking Chuck down, but he'd been mistaken, or just too vain and stupid to see the big picture. Blair could go head to head with him in the board room and create a few annoyances, but that wasn't going to topple him.
"Well, well, well." Jack stared at her through glassy eyes as he lit up a pipe and took a long drag. Blair looked away from him. He was such a bottom-feeding asshole. She couldn't believe she'd gotten herself mixed up with him. If she backed out now, though, God only knew what he'd do to her. She couldn't let anything risk her plan to get Parker back. She'd just have to stomach Jack Bass for a while longer. "I don't remember inviting you, beautiful, but you know you're always welcome."
He slithered over to her, the sweet smell of smoke wafting along with him. Blair glared. If he tried to touch her again he was going to lose some body parts along the way. She did not like being pawed at. He got within inches of her and leaned in. Blair braced herself. She was going to have to murder Jack Bass. He thought better of his invasion at the last minute and stumbled back, a sneer on his face.
"You were always a prissy bitch."
Blair rolled her eyes. "Find someone else to fuck, Jack. I came here about business. You do remember our business, don't you? I've been expecting a call." Her voice was pure steel. The first sign of weakness and Jack would attack. He was the worst kind of predator.
"I was occupied." He smirked and nodded his head towards the couch. Blair glanced and saw a half-naked, coked out whore sprawled out. "I told you I'd handle my little nephew. He's no problem."
Blair wasn't a very violent person, but Jack brought out the worst in her. She had to grit her teeth to speak. "You moron. You really think you're going to handle Chuck? You're not only high, you're delusional. You lied to me. You said he would be easily taken care of. You said people wanted him out. From what I saw, they might be a little nervous about his takeover, but that's it. They trust him. He's done well. Why would they want such an obvious screw up like you?" Pure venom poured forth, and Blair could see the anger cranking up in Jack.
He advanced on her quickly and snatched up her arm. It was a bruising grab, but she didn't flinch or show any fear. She tried to yank away, but he held tight. "You don't know what you're talking about." His breath was acrid as it fanned over her face. "I'm ten times the man that little bastard is. My brother should have left BE to me. It was rightfully mine. Chuck's on the way down. You'll see." Jack finally released her when the woman from the couch began to stir.
Jack walked over to the couch and climbed on top of the woman. That was all Blair needed to see. She quickly headed for the exit and didn't look back. She needed to speak to Carter. This partnership with Jack was already unraveling. They needed a new plan. Her son's fate could not ride on Jack Bass.
Chuck came down the stairs into his living room to find his pseudo mother waiting for him on the couch. It was past nine, and Parker had finally gone to sleep. He'd spent all afternoon telling Chuck about the things he was going to show his mommy and kept asking Chuck if he thought Blair would like them. It had gutted Chuck. Seeing Lily there now was almost as unpleasant. He'd been putting off this confrontation until he could clamp down on his anger. Lily had been the only mother he'd ever known and, though no one would ever call her perfect, she'd loved him in her own way. She'd forced him to become her family, and for that he'd always owe her. He didn't owe her his son, though, and he wanted to throw her out the minute he laid eyes on her.
"Charles." She came up to him and laid a soft, elegant hand on his face. He tensed at the touch, but she didn't pull away. "I couldn't wait any longer. I know you're furious; might as well get this out." She backed away from him then and walked over to the couch. She sat down primly and turned to look at him. "Well?" She could always make him feel like a naughty twelve year old when she wanted to.
"I'm not sure I have much to say to you, Lily." He practically growled at her. He needed more time and distance from the situation. He didn't want to say something he would regret. "I think you should go home. I'll call for my driver." He reached for his phone to do that, but she stopped him.
"I've angered you, Charles. I know that. But, after all we have been through together, can't you spare me a few moments to explain? Do I not deserve that?" She speared him with her iciest expression, and Chuck set the phone down. The family card always trumped everything for Chuck. He was a sucker, and she knew it.
He walked over and took a seat across from her. He sat stiffly and couldn't meet her eyes, but at least he was there. That was the biggest concession he could make. "Explain, then." He demanded and waited. He knew nothing she said would justify it, but he owed her a say.
"Blair came to me as a mother, not an ex wife, not a girl who I once looked upon as a daughter. She came to me as a mother, and I'm afraid I couldn't turn her away. No-" Lily stopped and shook her head. "I suppose that isn't true. I didn't want to turn her away. I more than most know what happened between the two of you. I watched you dance around each other for years. You know," Lily smiled in a far off way, "I always secretly hoped you two would get together. And then one day you were getting married, having Parker – it all seemed so perfect, Charles." Lily looked to him in askance. She wanted him to understand. She wanted him to remember back to a time that he'd done his best to bury.
Chuck shook his head. He couldn't do it. "I'm not interested in rewritten history. Blair and I married because she got pregnant. It was a mistake. Clearly," he added bitterly. Lily reached out for his hand, and he allowed her to hold it but still refused to meet her eyes.
"You and I both know that was the excuse, not the reason." Chuck scoffed at this, but Lily didn't back down. "There was love there, Chuck. I think maybe there always had been. Parker just sped the process along." Chuck felt Lily watching him, but he said nothing. She sighed sadly. "You know I never saw it coming, the way it all fell apart so spectacularly. One minute you were-"
Chuck's head whipped around swiftly. He couldn't listen to any more of this. Memory lane was a dirty, ugly place. It didn't belong in his home. His home was a safe place for Parker. He'd wiped it clean of Blair, and Lily was bringing her back in, infecting them all over again. "Enough." The emotion in his voice could not be ignored, but neither could the resolve.
"Very well," Lily finally caved. "I just wanted you to understand why I did it. I didn't do it for Blair. I didn't even do it for you. I did it for Parker. You're a wonderful father, Chuck." Lily reached out, guiding Chuck's face around so he had to look at her. "You dote on him, spoil him, love him." She smiled brightly. "You love him in a way that I've always been envious of. You got it right when you certainly had no superior role models to look to."
"You didn't do too bad," Chuck admitted begrudgingly.
A single tear traced down Lily's cheek, but she didn't bother to wipe it away. "Your father and I did our best, but we both know it wasn't enough. You're more than enough for Parker. That child wakes up every morning knowing that you love him. Knowing that, Chuck… What a gift that must be to him." Lily marveled.
Chuck softened. "He always will."
Lily nodded. "I know, but there is a hole there, as well. You're his father, his protector, his care taker… You've done the very best you could, but you can't be his mother."
Chuck immediately interrupted, uncomfortable as to where this was leading. "He has Serena and Ms. Bainbridge." He hated sounding so defensive, but Lily was hitting on every insecurity he'd ever harbored. He couldn't let her get to him. Once one wall crumbled, Chuck was scared they all would.
"He needs his mother. Before, she couldn't be there. She was sick and she wasn't safe for him. We all understood that and supported you Chuck. It took Blair a long time to get her life back together, and perhaps she isn't perfect, but no one is. She came back because she loves her son. I believe she deserves a shot at happiness, but mostly…" Lily waited until Chuck looked at her again. "Mostly, I want you and Parker to be happy."
"We are." Chuck's affirmation felt hollow to them both.
"I don't think you believe that any more than I do." Lily leaned in and kissed Chuck's forehead. He took the motherly comfort for what it was and didn't push her away. She gathered her things quickly and walked towards the door. At the last minute, she turned back, a hopeful expression on her face. "Give yourself a chance, Charles." With that she departed, and Chuck was left with his all-consuming loneliness again.
Blair found herself wandering the streets of her past, avoiding going back to Carter at the hotel. Carter was part of an ugly reality that she didn't want to face yet. She wanted to remember that afternoon with Parker. He'd been so excited to see her, so open and adoring. She couldn't believe he was her child. She couldn't believe how normal and adjusted he was. For years, she had been terrified that her mistakes would cost Parker the most. She and Chuck had been the adults, making their own choices, but Parker was an innocent. He'd never asked for a crazy mother, but he'd surely gotten one.
Blair startled when she realized she was in front of her old building. Chuck had bought the penthouse the week after she'd told him she was pregnant. He said they needed a home. She hadn't fought him or even cared that he'd picked it out by himself. He'd forced her to wear a silly blindfold when he'd taken her up, and when he'd pulled it off she'd been awed. It was unfurnished, not decorated, bare as could be – Blair had loved it. Chuck had opened his arms, smiled at her and asked her to make it their own. That had been the lure for them. They could make their own family. They would be the parents they never had. They would love their child. He would never know the pain that they endured in their lonely, confused childhoods.
Blair had bought into the fantasy completely and the most miraculous thing was that Chuck had, too. His initial nerves over fatherhood had given way to total excitement. He excelled at being a husband and father. All the old insecurities of his past vanished in their new life. In some ways, his exuberance and surety had made Blair nervous. How could she ever live up to the perfection that he was building in his head. Everything had fit too well, made too much sense. There had been too much love in the end. She couldn't sustain it, and then everything had crashed.
The crash was the worst, the never-ending free fall. She'd been so far up and had so far to fall. Chuck had reached out to her, they all had, and she'd tried to hang on. She'd convinced herself that she was fine and normal and loved her child and husband. She told herself she was happy and made Chuck believe the lie. He'd been desperate to believe it. Her lies crumbled, though, time and again until the disappointment and disillusionment weighed more than the happiness. She was drowning in it, and she was sinking Chuck as well. In the end, her mind dealt her the biggest betrayal.
The front door to the building opened and Blair looked up, surprised. Chuck was standing there, a wary expression on his face. Blair knew what it looked like, like she was stalking him and Parker. He could use this as the excuse he needed to call off the zoo trip, and she was kicking herself before he even spoke. She was walking a fine line with him and already she was making mistakes. Jack had been her first.
"What are you doing out here, Blair?" He glanced around the street. Blair knew he was looking for Carter. There was something in his expression that told her everything. Carter was another black mark against her, another weapon he'd used to drive her out of his life. Carter was an excuse to forget her. Blair wondered what Georgina was. Did he love her? The thought sickened her.
"I…" She thought of a thousand crazy, convincing lies she could tell him. All of them would make sense and he would go back inside without another word. She opened her mouth, ready to spill the best one but it wouldn't come out. Instead, she told the truth, however damning he might find it. "I don't know." She shrugged, feeling as lost and helpless as she ever had. Being around Chuck was a different kind of insanity. She recognized that now, but she still didn't know how to combat it.
"Lost?" The word was innocuous but his tone was cold. His barely leashed anger was simmering, and she was his favorite target.
She laughed; a hard, brittle sound. "Funny."
"Why?" He shot right back, preparing for battle.
"It's just…" The intensity of his gaze did her in. Emotion clogged her throat and tears threatened behind her eyes. She wondered if she could ever look at him and stay in the present, or if the past would always haunt her. He was the life she should have had. "Never mind." She brushed it aside, and looked away from him. It was cold out, and she'd forgotten her coat. She needed to go back to the hotel, back to Carter. This place was dangerous for her. It was a trigger, her therapist had warned her.
She turned away from him, ready to flee, but he called out to her before she could. "Say it…" If he had sounded cold like before, she would have still left. She was too raw to fight him right then. There was no anger in his voice, though. Instead, she found a vulnerability, a sadness that mirrored her own. She couldn't walk away from that.
She turned back to him, doing her best to stop her voice from wobbling. If she gave into her tears and started sobbing again, he'd call her unstable and maybe he'd be right. "It's just…" She shook her head. It was hard to say out loud. She had to turn away from him again to get it out. "Even after all this time, after all the places I've lived since… This still feels like home."
He said nothing.
She turned back to look at him. A sour feeling filled her chest and all she wanted to do was hit him, hit him until he woke up, until he turned back into the man who loved her. He'd once promised her he'd never give up on them. She'd broken him down, though. She'd just plain broken him.
"You're not going to comment? Nothing cruel to say… Come on, Chuck." She was baiting him. She knew it was a mistake. She knew it was tantamount to handing him the knife to shove into her chest but, she couldn't stop. There was so much rage inside of her that it had to find an outlet. Four years, and she had to get it out. "I know you have it in you." She said it in a whisper, but it finally broke through his repose.
"I've got nothing." He said it so softly, with so much anguish that she could practically feel the knife sliding in. "I wish that…" He looked down, and then finally up again to meet her eyes. For a moment, she saw it all. She saw the boy who'd been her best friend, the man who'd loved her, the husband she'd disappointed, and the father she'd always wanted. He was everything. The thought made her ill.
"You wish I'd died that day, don't you?" She kept pushing. She needed to hate him. She needed him to say something vile so she could close off again. She needed to see who he'd become, not who he'd been. "That would have made your life so much less messy."
When she dared to glance up, he looked like he'd gotten a blow to the head. His eyes were glassy, his mouth slack.
"You know I'm right. If you'd have just come home from work a little later like you were supposed to, I would be dead and you'd be free. Tell me that doesn't sound appealing to you. Come on, Chuck. Tell me." She was verging on hysteria, but she still didn't stop. Pretty soon he'd call Eleanor and ship her back to the institution.
"Why are you doing this to yourself?" For a moment it sounded like genuine concern in his voice. Blair clung to it, desperately, hoping it would spring into something else. He took a step towards her, and she froze where she was. He stopped suddenly, looked around him like he was lost and had no idea how he'd gotten there. Blair knew the feeling well. It was hell, and she'd lived there for years.
"I'm sorry." She steeled herself to end this now. She wiped at her face, but the tears kept coming and she became frantic. There was such a deep well of hurt inside of her she didn't think it could ever be satisfied. "I don't know why I did this…" She kept wiping, harder and harder.
"Stop." He reached out and stilled her hand. She couldn't look at him or even react. Her voice was too soft, too comforting. He sounded like he did in her dreams, but this was reality and reality was cruel. "Stop," he whispered again. He came even closer and pushed her hands down. Her arms fell limply at her sides, and she stood there before him half a person. He brushed her tears away for her, the slide of his knuckles so smooth she closed her eyes to savor it. When was the last time he touched her like this? She couldn't remember.
Her tears finally dried up and he backed away from her. She looked up and saw him straighten into the hard, imposing man he'd become. All tenderness was firmly wiped from his face.
"Parker is excited about the zoo." His announcement seemed so out of the blue that Blair startled from herself pitying stupor. "You should be prepared to be dragged around to everything. He has big plans for you, Blair." There was a double meaning in his words, but before Blair could ask he barreled on. "He's smart. They tell me he's advanced beyond his age group. I think it's because he's so damn curious. He asks a million questions and then questions your answers. Don't snap at him or get annoyed; his feelings get hurt easily."
"I wouldn't," Blair swore vehemently. "I would never do that to him. I love him, Chuck. I'm better now. I really am." She needed him to believe her. If he believed her, they could turn this all around. They could get the train back on the tracks. They could heal. More than anything she wanted that, for Parker, and maybe for herself and Chuck as well.
"We'll see." He turned around and headed towards the door. She just stood there. It hadn't gone well, but it hadn't been awful. He turned back at the last minute and came right up to her. There was something fierce and protective burning in his eyes. "You do whatever you want to me, Blair. I can handle it. You come at me with BE, with Carter – Hell, you can even use my own mother against me, and I can handle it." Blair didn't miss the bitter edge in his voice. Lily had been a low blow. "Never use Parker. Never put him in the middle."
Blair nodded. "I wouldn't." She should have left it at that, but she didn't. "Can you say the same, Chuck?" He opened his mouth to snap at her, most likely rip her head off but she barreled on. "Do you honestly think he can't see the way you feel about me? You can barely stand to be in the same room with me. Your voice gets hard and your eyes get cold – Do you think he understands that? Do you really think it doesn't hurt him?"
Blair expected him to flip out. She expected him to deny it all, but instead all she was greeted with was silence. Finally, after the moments ticked by so slowly Blair could barely breathe, he spoke.
"No matter what I feel for you, Blair, Parker comes first. I've failed at many things in life, but I've never failed him and I never will. I agreed to you coming tomorrow because he wants you there. I'd do anything for my son." It was solemn vow, and Blair understood it. She felt the same.
"So would I."
Chuck nodded. "If you hurt him or disappoint him, that's it. I won't let you break his heart." With that he walked away from her and disappeared into his fortress. She yearned to reach out to him, to beg him to let her come along, let her come home. It was too soon for that, though. Blair had a lot to think about. First on the list was getting rid of Jack. She had a new plan of attack.
