AN: I haven't written in so long, I can't believe I even managed to get this out. I wasn't going to post it, but then I completed another chapter, and am working on another right now so I figured what the hell. It's been a bit of a stress release doing this, and since GG is over and I can stop hating the drivel on the show it's a lot easier to read. If anyone is still interested in this, thanks for reading.

You Were Mine

Chapter Eight.

CHANGE

"We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love.

It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person."

- William Somerset Maugham

Blair kept a tight grip on Parker's hand as he lead her around the stables. Lily walked beside them preoccupied by a business phone call. Blair had been hesitant to spend the morning with Lily, but the prospect of having Parker time swayed her. It wasn't that Blair didn't like Lily. She did, and she truly appreciated Lily turning the BE stock over to her. Maybe that was the problem. Blair felt guilty. She'd been so single minded in her plan to take down Chuck, and reclaim her son that she'd ignored the very real people who would get hurt in the process. To Carter, they were all collateral. Unfortunate, but nothing to lose sleep over. To Blair, they were so much more. Lily had been a fixture in her life since she was a child. Now, she was Parker's grandmother, and Parker clearly loved her.

It all made Blair very uneasy. A family unit existed here. Parker's world revolved around all the people Blair had set out to use. The fact that Blair was changing her plans now didn't fool her into believing that Chuck would ever understand if he found out. That meant that Jack Bass had to be handled soon, and very quietly. Carter wasn't thrilled with this change in plans, but Blair knew it was the only chance she had at her happily ever after. She'd been fooling herself believing she came back here for revenge, for justice. She hadn't. She'd come back for her family, and now that she'd had a taste of it nothing else would do. She wanted it all. She wanted the dream.

"Parker," Lily called out to him, and Blair's little boy piveted immediately.

The smile he reserved for his grandmother was bright and adoring. Blair's heart clenched. It was trusting. She wondered if she'd ever get there, or if the damage she'd inflicted had already closed that road to her. She knew all too well that once a child's trust was broken you never got it back. They loved you. They forgave you. But they never saw you the same. The safety net ceased to exist. Blair had gone through it with her own parents, and it killed her to think that she'd done the same to Parker. At least he had Chuck. Serena. Lily.

"Come show Mommy your favorite." Lily sent a reserved smile Blair's way, and then pulled Parker off with her. Blair dutifully followed behind them, still feeling as lost as ever, a stranger in her own son's world.

Parker stopped up ahead, and turned toward a lagging Blair. "Mommy." He scowled at her impatiently, and before Blair could respond he'd grabbed her hand and started to drag her along. "You have to meet Pecan. He's grumpy and mean. I love him best."

Blair didn't find the need to ask why Parker adored a grumpy, mean horse. It just seemed to fit. Parker was her child. Chuck's child. Of course he had these peculiarities. The thought made her smile, and by the time Parker had pulled her up to the stall she was feeling lighter than she had all morning.

"Don't try to pet him," Parker warned her. "He bites." To emphasize this Parker chomped his teeth together a few times, and both Blair and Lily had to laugh at this. Parker turned to Lily then, and raised his arms. "Lift." It was a command that Lily happily answered. Blair felt a moment of bereivement watching them.

Lily held Parker over the stall as he carefully fed Pecan. Blair watched nervously, eager for Parker to be put down again. Nice, normal horses were one thing but she didn't want to see her sweet child bitten. With her luck Chuck would blame the entire thing on her, and they'd be set back once more. She was taking every inch she was given with baby steps.

"Lily…" Blair was tense as she watched Parker. Lily turned to her in askance and immediately realized Blair's trouble. "Maybe…" Blair didn't want to spell it out for fear that Parker would become upset. If one thing had become abundantly clear to her it was that Chuck had spoiled Parker. Her son didn't really hear the word 'no' very often.

Lily laughed lightly. "Don't worry, Blair. Pecan has a special affinity for Parker. None of the grooms can believe it, but he never snaps. Does he, Parker?" Lily beamed down at Parker.

Parker turned toward Blair with a smirk so reminiscent of his father that Blair had to suck in a breath. "Nope. I'm special."

Blair smiled back. She couldn't help herself. She felt a ridiculous pride in the fact that some grumpy, mean horse loved her child. That Parker was special. That he was everything she'd ever dreamed he would be. A piece of herself and Chuck so uncorrupted and beautiful. Whatever she had done in her life, at least she'd helped to create him. At least she'd given him the right father, one she never had. Harold was a good man. He tried, but he'd never been present in her life. Times had gotten tough and he'd run. It made Blair sick to realize she had done the same thing to Parker.

Lily put Parker down after a few minutes, and though Parker grumbled he didn't put up too much of a fight. "Alright, Parker, why don't you go check with Thomas and see if Thayer is ready to be ridden. Your mother and I will be right along." Parker was off and running before Lily could even finish her sentence. Lily turned to Blair with a patient smile. "I thought I had it bad with Serena, but there's no child with more energy and love for life than Parker. He's truly amazing…" It was a leading statement, and Blair knew that Lily was watching her carefully.

"Chuck has done a wonderful job raising him." It didn't pain Blair to admit that like she thought it would. Chuck's success with Parker was a balm to her guilt.

Lily nodded. "No one thought Charles would take to fatherhood the way he did. Bart and I were truly shocked. After you-" Lily stopped, a horrified expression crossing her face. "I apologize, Blair. I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear."

Blair shook her head. Lily was wrong. She was desperate to know anything about her child's life, about Chuck's. Serena had always been reluctant to hand even the smallest morsel over about Chuck, like it would be a betrayal. Blair supposed in Chuck's eyes it would have been. Might still have been, but Lily was offering, and Blair needed to know.

"I'd like to know." Blair couldn't hide her nerves.

Lily nodded. "Well, after you were gone Bart and I really thought we'd have to step in. I had a nanny all picked out, and I figured for a time Parker could come stay with us. Serena and Nate were also eager to help, but Charles… It was like he couldn't let Parker out of his sight. From that moment forward they were a team. We all love Parker, but he's Chuck's life."

Blair heard the warning in those words. Don't think to take that child from Chuck. Lily didn't have to say it. The threat was there. Silence enveloped them for the rest of the walk, and by the time Blair reached Parker she was glad to be out of Lily's company. Some truths were harder than others, and hearing just how close Parker was to his father unnerved her. She was happy for her little boy, but she also feared she'd never be able to forge the same kind of relationship, not with Chuck hovering behind her just waiting for her to screw up. Though it hadn't been spelled out to her she understood that her unlimited Parker time would always come with a watchdog. Chuck didn't trust her, and she didn't trust him.

Parker was walked around on Lily's horse for the next thirty minutes, and everytime he passed by Blair he waved. She waved back. It became their ritual. Lily hovered nearby for the first fifteen minutes, but then business called her away again. Blair enjoyed this time the most. She felt like a real mother, out with her son, watching his triumphs. On Parker's last lap he had the groom stop right next to Blair.

"Can my mommy ride too?" He gave the groom his sweetest smile, and Blair put a matching one on her own face. "Please, Mr. Thomas." Parker's smile turned into a grin as Thomas began to waver. "Grandma Lily don't care."

Blair laughed out loud. "I assure you it will be fine, Thomas." Blair sent him an engaging smile. "I'm quite good with horses. I've been riding since I was a child. Mrs. Bass won't mind."

Thomas finally nodded. "Alright then. Just one lap though. I really am supposed to get consent."

Blair smiled widely. "Thank you, Thomas."

She let the groom help her onto the horse behind Parker, and then finally she had her baby in her arms again. In truth, Blair had never favored riding. Eleanor had taken her as a child, and Blair had always found the whole thing messy. She much preferred tea parties and miniature fashion shows. She left the horses to Serena and the boys. The fact that Parker enjoyed this so much convinced her she should give it another try, and in truth she would do anything to please him.

"Okay," Blair took a deep breath. "Let's go nice and slow."

Parker giggled. "Faster, Mommy."

Blair shook her head. "Slow. Mommy is out of practice. We could fall." Blair gingerly got the horse to go, and tried to keep her nerves steady. The steady thump of Thayer's hooves scared her, especially with Parker in her lap. How Chuck ever let him ride Blair didn't know. She was having multiple heart attacks thinking of all the things that could go awry.

"Faster, Mommy." Parker twisted around in her lap, and looked up at her with pleading eyes. "Daddy lets me go fast." It was a clear manipulation, and Blair knew that but she felt herself falling anyway. "He don't care." Poor Thomas's downfall, was also Blair's.

"Alright, just a little faster." Blair sped the horse up, and Parker clapped happily. "Having fun?" Blair tried to sound excited rather than scared, but she feared she failed.

Parker turned back to look at her again, and giggled. "You look just like Daddy."

Blair found that doubtful, and scrunched up her face. "I do?"

Parker nodded. "Yup. Everytime he comes to watch me he has just that face. That funny face." Parker giggled some more, and Blair couldn't stop herself from joining in. He was the perfect little con, and she'd fallen for it hook line and sinker. "Look!" Suddenly Parker was jumping up and down in the seat. "Daddy!" He began waving his arms, and Blair's heart did a double take.

She turned the horse around the final corner, and found Chuck watching them from the other side of the fence. His face was expressionless, but Blair worried their little riding adventure would not go over well with him. He'd said she could accompany Lily, not take his son off on a horse. Chuck of all people knew Blair's aversion to horses and all animals in general. She steeled herself for what was to come.

Thomas helped Parker off the horse first, and he ran right into his father's waiting arms. By the time Blair made it over to him Parker was regaling Chuck with tales of their adventure.

"… and Mommy is a scaredy cat like you. She got that same funny face." He put his hands on Chuck's face, and attempted to turn his father's mouth into a frown. Chuck was smiling at his antics so Parker finally gave up.

"I…" Blair let out a deep breath. She'd expected dramatics but so far Chuck seemed calm, or as calm as Chuck Bass ever got. "I'm not much of a horsewoman I'm afraid." Parker laughed at this like it was the funniest thing he'd ever heard.

"I remember that about you." Chuck mumurred, and their eyes caught for a moment before he was back to focusing on Parker. Blair felt a sense of loss in that moment, an alienation she couldn't explain. She was standing right beside Chuck and Parker but she didn't feel apart of them. She was a favored aunt or a new toy, but she wasn't the mother. That wasn't her role, but it should have been. She desperately wanted it to be.

"Chuck-" She started to say something, but nothing sounded right in her head. She knew without trying that Chuck wouldn't be open to soul searching that morning. His showing up there in the middle of a business day was just further proof that he didn't want her around their son unchaperoned. Apparently even Lily wasn't enough of a guard on their interactions. Blair couldn't exactly blame Chuck for his concern, but she resented the hell out of it at the same time.

"Mrs. Bainbridge is waiting in the limo to take you to your playdate with Dylan." Chuck spoke to Parker as if Blair wasn't even there. It felt unjust, but she stayed silent. This was just another reminder of how she didn't belong.

Parker started pouting immediately. "But I don't want to play with Dylan. I want to stay with Mommy and Grandma Lily. Can I, Daddy? Please." Parker leaned in and hugged Chuck tightly for good measure. Affection was clearly a bargaining chip, and Blair was amused at the picture that painted of Chuck. Give him a hug and he's a big softy. No one in the whole world could believe that, even if they stood where she stood then and witnessed the entire interaction.

"Dylan is expecting you, and your mother has business to attend to I'm sure." Blair thought about contradicting him, but decided that was unwise. "Give her a hug." Chuck turned Parker toward Blair, and before she knew it her son was climbing into her arms.

Parker clung to her like a monkey, and she was unashamed to cling right back. He smelled wonderful, and felt even better. He was her baby. It was still such a novelty. He pulled back after a moment, and cupped her cheeks between his hands. Blair stared straight into his eyes, holding her breath as she waited. It felt like he was testing her, and she desperately wanted to pass but she didn't know what to do or say.

"Can I call you after?" Parker's voice was small and unsure. The unsurety gutted her, and she couldn't answer him right away. "Please." He begged, and gripped her face tighter. He leaned down so their noses were touching, and their eyes were aligned just right.

Blair felt poleaxed. His fear made her nauseous. The knowledge that her child had to question her love and attention… it was too much. "Of course." She whispered, and knew that silent tears were streaming down her face. She wanted to wipe them away, but she couldn't pull away from Parker. Nothing was worth that to her.

Chuck stood by them taking in the whole encounter. His heart hadn't unclenched since he'd handed Parker over to Blair, and watched how desperate his son was for her. He'd wanted to rip Parker away, and stop this entire thing. He wanted to go back to when things were easy, and he'd convinced himself Parker didn't need a mother, didn't need Blair. Those fantasies were all falling away now. Time and distance meant nothing to Parker. He loved Blair with a childlike innocence and hope that nearly undid Chuck.

"Why don't we invite your mommy to dinner with us at Aunt Serena's?" The words were out before Chuck could stop them, and by the look on Parker's face he knew he'd done the right thing. "Blair?" Chuck couldn't hide the bite in his tone, but his son was too wrapped up to notice.

"S cooks good." Parker said for added incentive.

Blair didn't need it. "I would love too." She leaned in, and hugged Parker one more time.

"Alone." Chuck clarified. Blair nodded without looking at him. "Alright, come on Parker." Blair set Parker down, and watched as Chuck reached for his hand, and walked away from her. She ached in that moment, wanting nothing more than to follow, nothing more than to belong with them.

"You'll get there."

Blair spun around in surprise to find Lily standing by the gate. She had a knowing look in her eyes, and Blair wanted to snap at her. Compassion. Pity. It scared Blair. She had no room for it in her world. If she let herself fall into those traps she'd become weak again, and she couldn't have that. This was the biggest fight of her life. She had to be tough. Impenatratable.

"I should be going. Thank you for this morning, Lily." Blair made to move past the older woman, but Lily didn't let her pass.

"He'll fight you every step of the way, Blair. You should be prepared for that. He lived in Hell for a long time after you left, the first time, and the last. It won't be easy for you to get past those walls." Lily's voice was soft, but stern. "This is the last chance."

Blair nodded. "I know." Lily started to leave then, and Blair felt a merciful relief, but at the last minute she called out, unable to stifle herself. "Do you think I can?" Lily turned back to her, but remained silent. "Get past those walls, I mean. Do you think it's even possible?" It cost Blair to lay herself bare, but she felt a certain kinship with Lily, a shaky trust that she needed to rely on.

Lily didn't speak for what felt like forever, and Blair waited with baited breath. She knew no matter what Lily said she wouldn't give up, but encouragement was greatly needed. Her own defenses felt battered and broken. Being around Parker stripped her, and that frightened her. It left her vulnerable to Chuck, and she never knew what to expect where he was concerned. There was a time when he was her greatest champion, but she'd disillusioned him. She feared those were wounds not even time could heal.

"Yes." It was simple. She offered no more before she turned and left, but Blair clung to it like a lifeline.

Yes.

Chuck arrived at Serena's early, because Parker insisted on going on one of his special walks with Nate. Neither Nate or Parker would ever actually tell Chuck what exactly made these walks special, but Parker looked forward to them and always came back happy. Nate was a natural at being the favored uncle. Once they'd stocked up on water for Nate and juice boxes for Parker they were off, and Chuck was left alone with his meddling sister. She had a pleased smile on her lips which told him she'd spoken to Blair or Lily or both.

"So…" Serena kept on grinning as she prepared a salad for that evening. "Mom said this mornings outting went well. Parker had a great time with the horses… and Blair…" Serena just kept staring at Chuck, clearly expecting to hear details.

"Are we gossiping now?" There was more bite behind his words than he meant, and Serena's smile turned into a disappointed smile. He wasn't sure why her censure bothered him, but it did. If he was honest with himself he knew there was no one more fair minded in his life than Serena. He supposed that it should have comforted him that she seemed so pleased with his decisions lately, but it only seemed to unease him.

"Actually Chuck, I was trying to have a civil conversation with you… allow you to decompress if you needed to. I could listen… I could be there." She whispered the last part, a softer look drifting into her eyes. Serena's compassion had gotten him through his toughest times, and it disarmed him now.

"Parker loves her." The realization put to words ripped through his body, nearly causing him physical pain. Parker loved Blair. And maybe worse than that, he needed her. Chuck had been avoiding the obvious for so long that it felt like a sucker punch to finally express it now.

"I know." Serena reached across the counter, and briefly touched Chuck's hand. Their eyes locked, a pure moment of understanding, before Serena pulled back to continue chopping her vegetables and Chuck looked away to compose himself.

Chuck took a moment to control his wild emotions. Ever since the day Blair had arrived he'd been spinning, and he still was, but he was getting used to the dizzying effect. Maybe that was what scared him, that this was somehow becoming familiar again… desired.

"I'm sure you heard we're expecting another dinner guest…" Chuck waited for Serena to comment or smile smugly, but she simply nodded and continued chopping. He hated when she got silent like this. He needed her annoying honesty to keep him grounded, to remind him he was doing the right thing. "Did you speak with Blair?"

Serena looked up then, a tired sigh escaping her. "Briefly. I told her when dinner was. You know Blair, she's not one to show her cards. I'm sure she's excited though." Serena went back to chopping, and Chuck stared at her incredulously.

"That's all? You have nothing more to say about this, Serena? You've been so damn vocal for years championing Blair's cause I thought for sure I would get a pat on the back for this. I think I deserve it." He added churlishly. There was something about being with ones sister that always brought out the little kid in you. No one could piss him off quite like Serena.

"I wouldn't want to gossip." She shot right back. Chuck glared, and she glared back for a minute before her face finally relaxed, and a tiny smile peaked out. "Okay, I am a little proud of you, but honestly I expected nothing less. I always knew your love for Parker would force you to do the right thing." Serena made sure Chuck was really listening to her as she continued. "You're the best father I know Chuck. Parker is lucky."

Chuck wouldn't say it out loud, because sentimentality freaked him out, but Serena's support and belief in him was a true comfort. Sometimes he worried he'd be just like his own father, screw Parker up, hurt him in some irrevocable way without even meaning to. And when those dark thoughts creeped in, when he was at his most insecure, Serena always seemed to know and step in. She was the person standing behind him saying, 'you can do this Chuck'. A lot of other people had helped too, but Serena had been his saving grace at times when he needed it most.

Chuck hesitated for a moment, and Serena didn't look away. She must have instinctively known there was something more he wanted to say.

"Do you…" Chuck looked away. He hated any kind of unsurety in his life. That was weak, and he couldn't be that. Still, he'd sacrifice anything for Parker, even pride. "Do you really think I'm doing the right thing? Do you really think Blair's better?" The words felt brittle in his mouth, but he had to get them out.

Serena didn't answer at first, and that caused Chuck to panic. If Serena wasn't sure of Blair's mental well being then there was no way Chuck could risk Blair around Parker. His son's wants were at the top of his list, but if Blair was a danger Chuck would rather Parker be disappointed than hurt again. He'd put Blair ahead of his child once before, and it was a mistake he'd never make again.

"I think… she's trying." Serena finally finished, and that had Chuck reaching for his phone to call the whole thing off. Serena snatched it away before he could, and forced him to look at her. "What's so wrong with trying? Isn't that what we all do every day? I can promise you I didn't have any clue about how to be an aunt before Parker came along. I sure as hell didn't know what to do when everything went bad, but I kept trying. Every day. Just like you. And we made it work. We, all of us as a family, made it work. Blair is doing the same thing now. She's trying. And I think you know that which is why you invited her tonight, and told Parker he could have her in his life. You have every right to be cautious Chuck, but Blair is a part of this family and she's home now."

Chuck nodded. "The question is how long will she stick around this time."

Serena didn't have the answer, and Chuck excused himself to take some business calls. He couldn't think about Blair anymore right then. It would be enough having her sit across from him at dinner, watching her with his son all the while praying Parker came through this okay. Trying was fine. Serena was right they'd all been doing it for a long time, but no one had failed Parker more spectacularly than Blair, and Chuck was terrified of going down that road again.

Blair was just putting the finishing touches upon her hair when Carter sauntered into the suite. He smelled of booze and trashy women. Normally Blair would have questioned where he'd been, but she was in a hurry to get to dinner, and didn't feel like starting that argument now. When Carter was stressed or hurting he lashed out. Blair didn't think he'd ever been unfaithful, but then she'd never really pressed the issue. Sometimes she thought that bothered Carter more than anything.

"Hot date?" He was slurring, which was never a good thing.

"Dinner at Serena's with my son." Blair saw no point in sugar-coating it. She also didn't see a point in mentioning Chuck would be there. Carter was already in a tail spin. "Order room service and sober up."

She started to walk past him when he suddenly stepped in front of her blocking her way. She stared back at him impatiently, and frowned at his smirking face. When he tried to lean in for a kiss she ducked away, and shoved him.

"I can't be late." She grabbed her purse, and was halfway to the door when he called out.

"Do you really think it's going to be this easy, Blair?" Blair really wanted to ignore him, but his words hit on the fears already flowing through her. She turned around slowly, trying to look unimpressed but failing. "Chuck has spent years hating you. Your kid barely knows you. Do you really think a few weeks in town, and you're going to turn into Mommy of the year? Life doesn't work like that. You used to know that."

"You're drunk, Carter. Sleep it off." She started to leave again, but he just wouldn't stop.

"Even if you think it's better, even if you convince yourself you're getting it all back… He's never really going to forgive you. He's always going to look at you and see the scars… see what you did." Carter watched her with pity in his eyes.

Blair flinched. "I don't need his forgiveness. I just need my son. I'm sorry if this doesn't fit into your plans Carter, but I've never been dishonest. BE doesn't mean anything to me. Parker is my priority. Maybe I won't be mother of the year, but I'll be doing my best."

Carter nodded. "Well then, don't keep them waiting. We both know Chuck hates to wait."

Blair didn't grace him with another response, and left the room as quickly as possible. Carter's words echoed in her head the entire way to Serena and Nate's. He's never really going to forgive you. Blair very much feared that was true. Every move Chuck had made since she'd returned had been in reaction to Parker. She knew that if Parker didn't have an interest in her then Chuck never would have opened this door. Yet, there was hope in that. Crack lines were forming. Chuck's hate was transforming. Blair had seen it herself that very day. He'd invited her tonight. Some small part of him maybe even wanted her there. It wasn't forgiveness, but it was all she had, and Blair knew she could work with it.