Title From: Crashing Down - Mat Kearney
Author's Note: To know more about this fanfic, or read earlier chapters gohere.
TRIGGER WARNING!This multi-chapter fanfic will include an eating disorder and self harm. If you think you will, at all in any way, be triggered, please don't read it. If you do chose to read it but find yourself getting triggered, please stop reading. The last thing I want to do is trigger anyone.
Arizona stared at her reflection in the steamed-up bathroom mirror, reveling in the precious minutes she had alone before Calliope woke up. The daily meetings with the mirror had started roughly when the nightmares had started months ago. Unknown to Calliope, Arizona would wake up crying or screaming from the same recurring nightmare. She'd take a warm shower to calm herself down and then spend hours staring at her reflection in the bathroom mirror, wondering when things had gone wrong.
Mark's words kept playing over Arizona's mind, like they often did when she was in this mood. 'You're not anything. You're nothing.'
Except I'm not nothing. I'm a terrible person. I bail, I have trust issues, I'm a stuck up know it all. I wreckless - I got my wife and my daughter in a horrible horrible accident. What kind of person does that?
Those thoughts had started eating her away, and three months ago Arizona had vowed to herself she would do whatever it took until she became perfect. She had started taking on more and more difficult cases, studying harder and working more to become a perfect surgeon. At night she was reading up all the parent tips she could to be the perfect mother.
That morning, Arizona's thoughts were interrupted by Callie opening the bathroom door and grinning sexily. "Mark and Julia are coming over and I'm going to make brunch for everyone sweetie."
Arizona groaned inwardly, dreading the thought of sitting down and eating in front of Callie, Mark, and Julia. Though she knew if she made her feelings obvious her wife would be concerned, so she smiled and asked happily "Need any help?"
"No thanks, I'm an excellent cook." Callie replied brightly. "But Sofia's waiting for you on the couch with The Little Mermaid if you two kids want to watch singing fish while I act like an adult and get brunch ready."
Arizona rolled her eyes gently at Callie's joke and made her way to the living room to watch TV with their daughter.
—-
"Blondie, are you okay?"
"Yes! I'm fine, why?" Arizona racked her brain over the last few minutes of the conversation, wondering if she'd said anything that could've given away what she was thinking, but she was sure she hadn't.
"You've barely eaten." Mark answered with a strange look on his face. "You're usually shoveling food in your mouth." he laughed gently.
Arizona smiled as though she hadn't just been offended. "I've been so busy at work lately that I'm exhausted and I just don't seem to be hungry anymore."
Her answer seemed to satisfy Julia, who clapped her hands together. "No wonder you look different! You must have lost a few pounds! You look great Arizona."
Mark and Callie exchanged a curious look, unnoticed by Arizona who had ducked her face to cover up her blushing. "Thanks Julia." she smiled at the woman.
—-
Arizona found herself staring at her own face in the bathroom mirror for the second time that day. No matter how much she'd laughed and smiled with the others, her thoughts from that morning hadn't changed. If anything, they had intensified.
Mark is right, I eat a ton. My arms are fat. My legs jiggle all the time. My stomach sticks out. Perfect people aren't fat. I have to start eat healthier.
"Arizona?"
Arizona's head turned towards the sound of her wife's voice, realizing for the first time that Callie's head was poked around the door.
"Calliope! How long have you been standing there?"
"Long enough to see you start crying." Callie walked into the bathroom and picked up Arizona's hand. "Are you okay?"
With her free hand Arizona reached up to her face and found tears. Tears she hadn't even noticed herself crying.
"I'm okay." she smiled her usual smile, hoping her wife would believe it. She moved towards the bathroom door, trying to leave so Callie couldn't reply, but Arizona felt her arm being pulled back.
"No, Arizona, you're not fine." Callie placed her hands on Arizona's arms, pinning her gently so she couldn't escape, and searched her face. "Please tell me what's wrong. You seemed fine at dinner."
Arizona racked her brain for a reasonable excuse for the tears. Only one thing came to mind, and she blurted it out. "I miss Timothy. He should have been there, he should have…" Without meaning to, Arizona's voice wavered, and she burst into fresh years, making her lie more believable.
Callie pulled Arizona into a hug, holding her tight. "Oh honey, it's okay to miss him. Next time you you can just tell me. I'm here for you. Okay?"
Arizona nodded, but all the while she was only thinking one thing - She can feel all my fat.
.
