Title From: Kaleidoscope - Kate Havnevik

Author's Note: If you want to know why I am writing this fanfic click here click here.

TRIGGER WARNING! This multi-chapter fanfic will include an eating disorder and self harm. If you think you will, at all in any way, be triggered, please don't read it. If you do chose to read it but find yourself getting triggered, please stop reading. The last thing I want to do is trigger anyone.

Arizona locked herself into an on-call room, needing some privacy. She'd been operating all day, which had left her exhausted so she wanted to take a quick nap before going home.

Her eyes were barely closed a few seconds before she saw the image of the 12 year old girl who's life she'd just saved. The surgery had gone well. Arizona smiled a small, tight smile as she thought back to how well Karev was learning. But there was a lingering emotion she didn't usually have when she thought about patients. Jealousy. Arizona remembered how tiny and beautiful the girl was. How small her waist was; how delicate her legs were.

I am jealous of a twelve year old. How is that even possible? She shook her head, knowing she was being silly, but nonetheless wishing she too would one day look that beautiful.

Arizona woke up; feeling just as tired as when she had laid down to nap an hour earlier. She pushed herself back into a standing position, and walked towards the attending's lounge to change and go home. Catching sight of herself in the hallway mirror, she scowled and sucked in her stomach.

A pair of old trainers fell out of her locker as she opened it. Arizona stared at them as an idea started to form in her mind. It's only 6pm, Callie won't have dinner ready until at least 8pm, I can get a run in and then go home. Her face lit up as she changed into the work out clothes that lived in the back of her locker "just in case". I can burn off what I ate at lunch today and what I'll have for dinner later on.

Callie appeared from the kitchen as Arizona opened the door, and started leaning in to kiss her.

"Callie wait, I'm all sweaty." She looked at Calliope's confused face, and explained "I went for a run." The confused expression only intensified as Callie raised an eyebrow, and Arizona tried explaining further. "I was all tense from the operation and I needed to let off steam…I feel good now!" She wasn't sure why she was lying to her wife. Well, I'm not really lying. I did feel tense and I did need to let off steam. I wanted to burn calories too but that's what exercise does and Calliope knows that, I don't need to tell that to her. Arizona reasoned with herself.

As she heard the explanation, her confusion turned into a smile. "Rather you than me." Callie teased good-naturedly. "Dinner's almost ready."

Arizona smiled back at her wife, "Thanks honey. I'll just shower quickly and then I'm ready." She started towards their bathroom, stumbling a bit as the room spun around her. Grabbing onto Callie's arm, Arizona shut her eyes tight until the spinning stopped.

"Arizona, are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just a little light headed from the run. I guess I forgot to drink enough water."

"Here, sit down while I get you some water. Are you sure you're okay?"

Arizona sat down at the kitchen stool, and gratefully drank the glass of cool water. Nodding her head she stood back up slowly. "I'm great, I promise. I just have to remember to drink next time I run."

As she headed off to take a shower, she still felt light-headed, though less than before.

Salad. Pasta with cheese sauce. Well, I can definitely have the salad. That pasta looks amazing, but cheese isn't safe, there are way too many calories.

Arizona filled her plate with salad, Slowly, she started eating it, hoping that she could fill herself up with that and leave just a little room for the pasta.

I can have a bit of pasta, after all I did run earlier. And it looks so good and I'm so hungry. Arizona pinched the fat on her stomach. No. No. I have got to lose weight.

"Arizona?"

"Huh?"

"You're staring off into space, what's up?"

"Oh uhm. There's a big case coming up in the next few days, it's just been taking over my thoughts I guess. I'm sorry. Wait, what are you…" Arizona's eyes widened as Callie placed a serving of pasta on her plate.

"I figured you'd be hungry after your run, and you love pasta." Callie beamed, seemingly non-existent to Arizona's internal anguish. "So tell me about this case?"

Dinner went on, as Arizona picked gingerly at the pasta on her plate, and talked as much as possible to try and avoid eating. Time passed, and Callie was done eating, so Arizona stood up and took her plate to the sink.

"That's all you're eating honey?"

"I'm sorry Callie, it tastes amazing, I'm just not hungry. I guess that run really tired me out. I'll make up for it tomorrow."

Callie stared at Arizona a moment, wondering if she should believe her, but she figured Arizona wouldn't lie about something like this, so she let it slide, and helped her wife clear the table.