New York or Bust Chapter 5
Disclaimer – Not mine…
A/N – I keep waiting for this to play out on the show. One day it's just going to be too much and their eyes are going to meet and BAM. A girl can always hope…
Friday evening…
"Hey Dad is everything okay?" Hotch was tucking Jack into bed when his son asked the question.
Leaning down Hotch kissed his son's forehead. "Sure buddy."
Jack looked up at him knowingly. "You look really sad, Dad, did you and JJ fight again? I thought you were making up in the kitchen."
Hotch sighed heavily at the memory of exactly what occurred in JJ's kitchen. "Your dad is a lunkhead, Jack. I should have listened to you and just sent JJ flowers." He ruffled Jack's hair the way JJ had earlier in the night.
"We're still not moving to New York, right?" Jack questioned hesitantly, worried that his dad didn't really answer his question.
Hotch smiled slightly. "No, and I promise I will never do anything like that again without talking to you first. Okay, pal?" Hotch got to his feet slowly and turned to leave the room.
"Dad?"
Hotch turned back to his son. "Yeah, pal?"
"You know, if you want a girlfriend to live with you why don't just live with JJ?" He asked innocently then added with a sigh. "I love JJ, dad."
Hotch chuckled softly, even his young son was smarter than he was. "I know you do, Jack."
"You love JJ too, don't you dad?"
Hotch smiled at his anxious expression. "Yeah, buddy I do. But right now I have to give JJ some space. I really messed up this time."
"It'll be okay, daddy. JJ loves you too, I know she does." He yawned tiredly.
Hotch watched as Jack rolled on to his side and closed his eyes. He watched him sleep for a minute then turned out his bedroom light before leaving the room. He went right to the liquor cabinet and poured himself a stiff drink. He took a sip before setting it to the side unsatisfied. He didn't want a drink. He wanted JJ.
He scrubbed a hand over his face and recalled the scene in her kitchen. He was going to hell.
Hotch realized that he screwed up big time the moment he put his mouth on her. He should have started with an apology. He should have told her that he cared about her. Deeply. He'd buried his feelings for her so deep that he'd gotten used to ignoring them and denying them. He couldn't do that any longer. He didn't want to do that any longer.
The second he bent down and tasted her he'd been powerless to stop. Once his mouth touched hers a fire ignited and they were all over each other. He fucked her standing in her kitchen with their children mere feet away from them. He'd been stupid and careless and he most likely ruined any chance that he ever had with her.
Monday…
He spent the entire weekend reliving the scene and wishing he'd handled it better. He would never forget the look in her eyes when she told him that he should probably leave.
What could he have said at that point? Would she have believed him telling her that he loved her? He sincerely doubted it. Still, it didn't stop him from trying to call her multiple times during the weekend. It didn't stop him from driving by her home.
He had watched as she came in the office on Monday careful not to cross paths with him. He had only wanted to soothe her, she'd been upset and he was the cause. He'd wanted to make love to her, slowly, carefully, adoringly, not like some damn horny teen, but he just snapped, she had been so soft and pliant and responsive, and so unbelievably hot. Now he couldn't look at her, let alone think about her, without getting hard and she was back to not looking at him period.
The knock on his door after the miserable Monday morning meeting took him by surprise, especially when he looked up and saw her hovering around his door.
"JJ!" He stood up, regardless of the physical reaction just seeing her caused.
Her cheeks were flushed. "I'm sorry for just busting in." Her voice sounded gruff and he realized that it was probably due to crying and cursed himself again.
"JJ." He walked stiffly towards her. "I tried to contact you all weekend long. We need to talk. There is so much I need to say to you."
She shook her head, still focused on the floor. "You don't have to say anything, Hotch. I'm so sorry for my behavior…"
He quickly guided her into his office and closed the door behind her. The blinds were already closed. "Your behavior? Fuck that, I don't want an apology. I'm not sorry that it happened." He wanted to bury himself to the hilt in her again and watch her break apart all over him. "I'm sorry that we didn't talk before we…"
"Mated like animals." She said humiliated.
He lifted her chin making her look at him. "I was going to say gave in to our mutual desire."
JJ snorted. "Right, now it's mutual? Isn't that convenient?" She said disbelievingly then she gasped as he pulled her to him and she felt his arousal, as well as saw it reflected in his eyes. "Hotch?"
His hands cupped her cheeks. "All weekend long, JJ, I've been fucking hard all weekend long, thinking of you, wanting you." He growled, as his mouth nipped at hers, teasing and tempting, before she finally surrendered and opened up to him. He kissed her with as much abandon as he had the previous evening, his hand molding her body tightly against his. Then her hand cupped him through his slacks and he moaned. His hand slid down her backside then up her skirt between her legs. He found her warm and wet. Before either one of them regained sanity she was moving against him and all of his good intentions shot out the door. "JJ?"
"Oh God, hurry Aaron." She was already unzipping and releasing him and then she was against the door and he was plunging into her heat. His mouth made a trail up her neck to her mouth as his hands palmed her ass driving into her. She made urgent little sounds as she thrust against him, her body milked his.
He'd never been so turned on in his life. She made him lose complete control once again. His head rested in the crook of her neck. He gave a mirthless chuckle. "I'd really like to try this in a bed next time." He told her as her legs dropped back to the floor. His hands were caressing her body, soothing her as their bodies settled.
"God, I just keep making this worse." She dropped her head on his shoulder. "I need to stay away from you."
"What? NO." He wasn't sure he couldn't handle her being out of his sight again. His hands cupped her face once again. "JJ this is not worse." He pressed a kiss against her mouth urgently. "This is better, this is a beginning." He looked at her hesitantly. "If you want it to be. Please want it to be." His heart froze as a tear rolled down her face.
"I don't understand." Her blue eyes swum behind her tears.
"Then talk to me, please, listen to me. Let me help you understand." He pleaded with her. "I..
The knock on the door startled them both. "Hey Hotch." Morgan yelled through the door. "You have a visitor in the lobby."
He frowned at the intrusion. "I'm not expecting anyone. Send them away and tell them to make a fucking appointment." He growled, angry at the interruption.
"Uh, Hotch," Morgan stated hesitantly, "It's, uh, Beth."
Hotch watched as JJ shut down in front of his eyes. "I don't give a fuck who it is." He bellowed as panic set in.
"You should probably see her. If she came all this way it's probably important." JJ said as she dropped her eyes and stepped away from him to straighten her skirt.
"No, damn it, this is important. You are important." He told her, following her, quickly straightening his clothing as well. "If she wants to see me she can wait."
"Please don't make this harder than it has to be." She attempted a weak smile and failed miserably. "I need to get back to my desk."
"No, please JJ." His hands stayed at her waist holding her steady.
"Hotch." Her voice broke.
Hotch held tight. "No. I keep screwing this up. I should have talked to you before I ever put my hands on you. But I turn into a damn randy fool around you." His hands flexed gently. "Whatever you are thinking I promise you, it's wrong."
JJ placed her hands over his and attempted another smile. "It's alright, Hotch, I won't say anything…"
"Aaron?" It was now Rossi knocking on the door. "Is everything okay?"
Hotch gritted his teeth. "NO. People keep bothering me. I'm busy, hence the closed fucking door." He yelled. "I don't want you to leave." He said plainly to JJ.
Rossi could be heard chuckling. "Are you aware you have a visitor?"
"Yes and if she wants to wait I'll get to her when I'm done." Hotch reiterated.
"You're being ridiculous. Don't keep your girlfriend waiting." JJ snapped, tears welling in her eyes.
Hotch bent down so he was at eye level with her. "JJ, I don't have a girlfriend. I am very recently out of a relationship that was doomed to failure because I've always wanted this beautiful blonde in my office. I was just too stupid to admit it. Always." He placed a hard kiss on her lips. "I fought it and hid it and denied so long that I started to believe it didn't exist. I told myself it was only friendship but we both know it runs a lot deeper than that."
"Does Garcia know that you have the hots for her?" She asked with a slight sob.
Hotch snickered and placed a soft tender kiss against her lips. "I should have made sure that you knew that before anything happened the other day. I'm sorry. I'm a jerk. I wanted to tell you. I tried to tell you, but then you were so upset and sad and then. Well you know." He grinned sheepishly at her. "We're kind of combustible." His hand caressed her hip.
"You shouldn't make decisions based on a quickie we had in my kitchen and now here. I was the one that told you a relationship cannot be sustained based on how good the sex is." She told him sadly.
Hotch sighed, he could swear he felt her drifting away from him. "JJ, I called Beth and ended things with her after I spoke to you last week in my office. I talked to Will and he pointed out a few things to me."
She lifted her eyes up to his. "Will?"
Hotch shrugged. "I called him to apologize."
"Honestly? I would have never repeated what you said to him." JJ pointed out rigidly, miffed that he'd had the audacity to call her former spouse and to apparently take advice on her from him.
"I know." Of course he knew that. "I just, you wouldn't listen to me. You wouldn't let me apologize. I was a jerk, and I said it because I wanted to lash out at you, for like half a second, then I felt miserable and I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to fix it."
She looked at him puzzled. "So you called my ex-husband?"
"I needed to apologize to someone." He mumbled. "He's also your friend and he understands you, I needed to know what to do."
Confusion was evident on her face. "So Will told you to break things off with Beth?"
"Yes. No, that's not exactly..."
JJ huffed, "Which is it Aaron?"
"Will told me to fix my relationship with you. More importantly he told me that moving in with another woman wasn't going to make my feelings for you go away."
JJ bit her lower lip. "So now you have feelings for me? Funny where were those feelings when you were jetting off to New York to sleep with Beth?"
"I just told you, JJ, they've always been there but there has always been something that prevented me from acting on them, I was married, then you were married, then I just convinced myself they didn't exist." He pressed a kiss against her lips.
"Aaron?" They both groaned when the voice of the woman JJ just mentioned sounded through the door. "I really do need to see you."
"I am going to fire everyone involved with delivering her to my office. Did I not clearly state for them to leave her in the lobby?" He hissed, but louder he said. "I'm busy, Beth. I told my team that I was currently unavailable, you'll have to wait."
JJ sighed. "She probably wants an opportunity to tell you what a douche you are for dumping her over the phone." She looked up at him and whispered. "You should probably see her."
Hotch moved them away from the office door. "I'm afraid to open the door." He admitted. "If I open the door, you'll walk out of it and I'm afraid you won't come back. That night," They both understood which night he was referring to, "when you asked me if anything was wrong I was so mesmerized by what I had staring right at me that I was too blind to see. What I almost let slip away. We're a family, JJ." He told her in awe. "Well, not me so much, but you and the boys are like one little unit of love. I almost ruined that. More importantly I realize I want to be part of that."
His voice cracked with emotion and JJ reached up and stroked his cheek wanting to soothe him. "I'm not going anywhere." She lifted to her toes and pressed her mouth to his, licking at the seam, then taking the kiss deeper when he opened up to her. They were fitted tightly to one another when the door cracked opened.
"I really don't appreciate waiting." Beth stood at the entrance to his office viewing them both with open hostility. "What the hell is going on in here?"
"Why are you here, Beth?" Hotch asked with a heavy sigh still clinging to JJ.
"I needed to see you." She looked from Hotch to JJ. "I didn't understand how things could have deteriorated so quickly. I finally got you to agree to move to New York and before you could even pack your bags you were calling me to inform me that you were not only not moving but that you felt that we should end our relationship. You neglected to tell me that you had already moved on." Her bottom lip trembled slightly with emotion.
"I'll just…" JJ eyed the door.
"You don't…" Hotch began, but she gave his hand a reassuring squeeze and she walked away.
"How long has that been going on?" Beth asked when JJ moved past her.
Hotch sighed and turned to face the woman that he'd been so sure he was ready to move on with. "Nothing happened with JJ until after I broke it off with you."
Beth stared at him for a long minute then she too sighed. "It appears to have gotten serious pretty damn fast then."
Hotch gave a slight smile. "I guess I should say nothing physical happened, there has always been a connection."
Beth nodded then went and sunk down in one of the chairs facing his desk. "I know." She said wryly. "Why do you think I was so hell bent on getting you to move to New York? I was pretty sure if I could remove the obstruction you could fully commit."
His surprise must have shown on his face.
"Aaron, I knew that you had feelings for JJ, I wasn't quite sure the extent or exactly how they ran, whether just friendly or passionate, but I knew they were there." She shrugged. "I also knew that you would never act on them when you were involved with another woman. You set such a strict moral compass for yourself."
"I never intended to hurt you, Beth." But man was he glad he realized his mistake before he actually moved.
She gave a small smile. "Oh Aaron, we probably should have ended our relationship when I moved to New York. We just prolonged the inevitable." Again his surprise must have shown. "But hey, the sex was really good, right?"
"I've been told by several reliable sources that good sex isn't enough to keep a relationship going." He told her.
"Yeah," She smiled, "But it sure is fun while it lasts."
He moved to his office chair and sat. "Why did you come down here now? You never made the effort before."
She nodded. "You're right, and I should have. I was selfish. I don't know," She told him in answer to his question. "For some reason I decided I needed to come now. As I traveled I told myself that I was going to fight for you. That I loved you and what we had was real. I was going to move back to DC." She paused and smiled at his dumbfounded expression. "I told myself a lot of lies. I care for you Aaron. I think you are probably one of the best guys I've ever dated, but if we'd really been in love we wouldn't have settled for occasional weekends, we would have both tried harder. And while it stings that you have so clearly already moved on, like I said, I knew that there was always a little flicker of something between you and JJ."
He dropped his hands into his head. "If I didn't manage to screw it up already with my stupidity."
"I hardly think she'd have sex with you in your office if she didn't have pretty strong feelings for you." She giggled when his face went bright red. "Your fly was down, you're both disheveled, and the room smells like sex."
"Oh God." He groaned.
"That was another nail in my coffin, if you would go so far as to fraternize with your subordinate in your office in the middle of the day you must have pretty strong feelings for that person."
"I can be spontaneous." He told her, thinking she was calling him staid or boring.
Beth laughed. "I know, but JJ obviously causes you to lose control. That's not a bad thing for you, Aaron. You have a tendency to overthink things." She grinned at him and covered his hand with hers. "Good luck." She said sincerely. "I wish you the best."
He turned his hand and grasped hers and squeezed. "Thank you. And thank you for being so decent about this whole thing."
She stood with a smile. "With age comes maturity. Ten, who am I kidding, five years ago you would have definitely been treated to some hysterics."
He chuckled. "Take care of yourself, Beth."
The team watched as he escorted her out of the office. He returned to the bullpen anxiously looking for the blonde currently missing from her cube. "Where is JJ?"
Prentiss frowned. "She said you told her to take the rest of the day."
All he could focus on was the fact that she was gone. "Shit." He raced back to his office.
"He wasn't wearing his coat." Morgan pointed out. "And his clothes had the same wrinkled appearance that JJ was sporting. They weren't wrinkled in the staff meeting."
"I had no idea you paid such close attention to our grooming habits." Emily commented, straightening her sweater.
Garcia giggled. "He's trying to imply they knocked boots in Hotch's office. Either that or they wrestled."
They all quieted as Hotch was running back down, this time wearing his jacket and holding his keys. "Where are you going?" Rossi asked.
"To clear some stuff up." He looked at Morgan. "You're in charge. Don't bother me unless it's urgent."
Morgan saluted him. "Yes Sir."
Hotch stopped at the door. "I think it should be obvious but in case it's not, I'm not going to be transferring to MPU." The whoops and cheers he heard behind him encouraged him as he hurried out of the office.
Thanks for reading! As always, thanks for the feedback. I love to know what you think! Thanks for the favorites and follows as well, they make my little fangirl heart happy!
