There was nothing that could save him now; or so it seemed.
Rimmer paced the length of the hologram simulation suite. It wasn't the most spectacular of rooms – covered in posters and leaflets about the posthumous revival of crewmen, how to cope with your death and the workings of being a hologramatic being – all of which were hologramatic themselves of course, so he could pick them up, or would have been able to had he still been softlight. There were control panels and command stations for keying in instructions all relating to the arithmetic his programming ran on, none of which he had an idea how to interpret. And then of course there was the machinery stock of whatsits and gizmos for tweaking Holly and fixing lightbees.
It was remarkable how so much space and time and equipment was needed for just one hologram. It filled up a whole room with little space to spare. He sat down on one of the chairs and sighed. Everything was against him. His status, his appearance, his ambitions, his relationships – his relationships. Another, more hopeless sigh escaped his lips. What did he expect? He got his hopes up, just to be knocked straight back down to the ground. It had happened so many times before that it shouldn't have been a shock anymore, and it wasn't really. A part of him actually expected it to happen; yet that fact didn't cushion the fall at all. It still hurt, and he'd be damned if he knew why.
"Maybe everybody would be happier if I just switched myself off," me muttered to nobody in particular.
"I'm not a genius or anything, but I don't reckon that would be the best idea," Holly's familiar sardonic voice replied.
Rimmer snapped his head up and looked at the screen. Holly's face stared back at him seriously. "What's the difference? Everybody hates me anyway," the sad thing was Rimmer believed this with all his heart.
Holly shook his head. "Not true Arnold. We're not particularly fond of you, but he don't hate you."
"Well that makes me feel better," Rimmer rebutted sarcastically.
"Lister wouldn't survive without you," Holly continued ignoring Rimmer's remark, "You keep him sane."
Rimmer's nostrils flared. "Do I?" He snapped. "Because I'm pretty sure I'm driving him insane as well as driving myself insane, I'm no good for anybody. And besides, why do I have to live for him, I hate him! Why should I continue to exist when there's no reason for it? I'm useless, utterly useless! What have I done that is of any importance or significance?"
Holly blinked. The computer knew this was going to happen sooner or later. Rimmer was very unstable, having twice the amount of neurosis that a normal person should be bestowed; but then, who could blame the guy? He hadn't exactly had much luck. Still, it was bound to come to a point where he started questioning why he was even there in the first place. It had never been clear why Holly revived him, Holly hadn't explained because it was far too complex for Rimmer's mind to handle. However the computer did have a reason for bringing him back and it looked like he was going to have to lay it out on the table for the smeghead.
"You're essential to Lister's mental health," Holly reiterated, "because you're so incompatible with him." The computer was reluctant to go on, but what had to be done had to be done. "You're so incompatible with him that you… are compatible. In simple, you and Lister are a perfect match because you're so different."
Rimmer raised an eyebrow. "That doesn't make one ounce of sense you bald-headed goit."
"That's the point," Holly droned. "If it was easy to understand, then I would have explained to you as soon as I revived you to save myself the trouble of having to explain it to you now."
Rimmer huffed and crossed his arms over his chest. "Well try to make it clearer you dummy."
Holly sighed. "You and Lister have a certain chemistry that works on multiple levels to keep you both going. You hate each other and you always argue, this keeps your mind active, but you also have a deeper bond, a friendship that neither of you acknowledge, that also keeps you stable because deep down you know you'll always be there for each other."
"You just pulled that out of your ass. No wait, you don't have an ass, so I can't even grant you that excuse," Rimmer sneered. This drivel Holly was spewing was not convincing him. He and Lister were not friends: they were not anything.
"Oi!" Holly interjected. "I resent that remark!"
"And I resent being born," Rimmer muttered. He was sick of all this, he just wanted out. Nobody would be the worse off for it, he was sure. "Just turn me off Holly, please."
"Nobody's turning anybody off." Lister trudged into the suite, breathing heavily as if he had just run a marathon. He sure was getting a work out these days, running all over the ship to find his bunkmate.
Rimmer was up in a flash. "What are you doing here? Go away! This is none of your business."
Lister shook his head. "Not my business? You're my best friend, I think it kind of is me' business!" The third technician's eyes widened when he realized he had let slip something he have never dared to utter before.
Rimmer's expression tightened into an unsure mush of anger and confusion. "Best friend? We've never been friends. You've always hated me; I know you have. It's been pity central with you and I, friendship was never part of the equation."
At this point Lister felt like his stomach had just dropped out of his bum. The guilt coursing through him was so strong he literally felt nauseous. He knew he hadn't acted the right way but something was different now. He was starting to feel things for the hologram that he never thought he could, and maybe this was more for the better than the worse. "You are my friend, I don't hate you. Maybe even more than a friend, I don't know. You're special to me Rimmer, in a screwed up kind of way."
It was all Rimmer could do to finally breakdown. He slumped back into the chair he had previously been sitting in. Tears started to seep out of the corners of his eyes, but this time he didn't bother to try and hold them back. It was no use, he was a terrible person who got shat and spat on at every possible opportunity. And he knew it. "Please just stop," he whispered futilely, "I am completely done with everything, I just want to crawl into a little hole and die."
As Lister watched the man before him breakdown crying, he felt tears come to his own eyes. They were both helpless, useless things, and up until this point he never realized how much he sympathized with Rimmer. This whole time they had both been completely alone, but now he realized, they could be alone together. He sat down on Rimmer's lap, facing the opposite way so his legs jutted out behind the back of the chair, grabbed the holograms face and smashed thief lips together in a passionate kiss which he channeled all of his emotions into. His hands slipped through Rimmer's curls, their faces were so close together he could feel the metallic H scraping softly against his own forehead, Rimmer's eyelashes fluttering against his cheeks, his nose pressing into the others cheek, but he didn't care. He wanted to get his point across and he wanted Rimmer, and that was all there was to it.
Rimmer was shocked rigid but felt himself responding slowly anyway, despite the voice in his head that was telling him to push Lister off and scream obscenities at the top of his lungs at him. He supposed he was desperate for any sort of human contact, even if it was caused by pity. He found himself wrapping his arms around Lister's waist, gently grasping the other mans dreadlocks in his hands and rolling them around in between his pale slender fingers. He could feel himself shaking slightly, the enormity of the situation for him was slowly sinking in and the emotions were washing over him were leaving him weak. He was a mix of fear and desire and guilt and anger. Yet the feeling of Lister's body against his gave him some sort of sick comfort that he would have preferred to deny. There was the constant hammering in his brain that wouldn't let him have any solace, but this time he was putting up a valiant effort to block it out. He often doubted he'd ever be happy, but right now, for a reason he couldn't explain for the life of him, he felt pretty close.
Holly watched as the two men embraced for a moment. It had been his intention from the beginning for this to happen, he didn't have an IQ of 6000 for nothing. It was keeping his true reasoning a secret from the two of them that was the hard part; if he had told them his true ulterior motive they would have thought he was crazy, and perhaps he was, but he liked to think he was crazy in a good way. He granted himself a smile before he flicked himself off-screen, leaving the two to their privacy. He couldn't do much, but what he did do, well, he couldn't be faulted on it.
Lister pulled out of the kiss, looking Rimmer dead in the eyes. "I don't snog just anybody you know," his forehead was against Rimmer's, and once again he could feel the H being indented into his head, but he didn't give a damn. He absently started playing with one of the curls at the base of Rimmer's neck.
Rimmer locked gazes with Lister. Unlike his own jumbled train of thought, Lister's brown orbs seemed to project a steady and sure flow of emotion that was directed point-blank towards him. It was a lot to handle in only a few minutes and he couldn't help but feel overwhelmed again. "I generally just don't snog anybody," he came back lamely, half-smiling.
Lister closed his eyes and laughed. It was a hearty laugh, one that came from his chest; it was honest and pure. "Well you have me now, feel free to change your snogless life anytime."
The hologram smiled weakly. He still didn't trust Lister's words, and he still wasn't completely convinced that this all wasn't just a charade. "Why would you want me?" He asked.
Lister shrugged. "I have no idea, but I do. Love isn't meant to make sense man, you just have to go with it."
Rimmers eyes almost popped out of his skull. "W-what did you just say?"
The third technician looked into his eyes. "I said I love you, smeghead."
And it was at this point that Rimmer's enire world came crashing down around him, but contrary to the normal meaning of that analogy, it was in a good way. His entire existence had hinged on the belief that nobody could ever love him, and now somebody like Lister had casually come along and thrown that sentiment out the window. Despite himself, he had to hear it one more time to make sure he wasn't just loosing his mind. "Say that again?"
Lister sighed. "I love you." He stood up from the chair and offered Rimmer one of his gloved hands. "Come on, I'm dying for a smoke now."
This time Rimmer laughed. He took Lister's hand and pulled himself up, and together they walked out of the hologram simulation suite. Behind them, the many monitors began to playback memories Rimmer had of the two of them together. Was it fate, or was it dumb luck that had brought them to this point?
Unbeknownst to Rimmer it was neither; it was one very sly senile computer.
To be Continued…
Well, well, well, three holes in the ground.
I kid, that is a bad one, even I admit it. So here we have half angst/half fluff. I'm pretty sure the next chapter will be the last, so stay tuned by fellow Dwarfers!
Amber***
