"Late as usual." Emily starts the second I step through Lara's front door. She's looking at me like she's trying to figure out why the short drive over from Naomi's took us so long. She isn't stupid and I'm worried she's starting to put the pieces together. That's the last thing we need, so I slip in to bitch mode and instantly blame Naomi. "I was on time! It's not my fucking fault numb nuts over here can't tell the fucking time." I hate this, I really do. I hate that I've got to act like someone else; someone I haven't been for a long time. I risk a quick look at Naomi, to try and let her know it's just an act, but her attention is elsewhere.
She's looking at Emily's girlfriend with an expression that makes my blood run cold. Her jealousy is written all over her face and I don't need to pretend to be in a mood with her anymore. The temper tantrum brewing up inside of me is very real. Jen has her hands all over Emily, like she's trying to prove a point. I really don't get why Emily's with her, she's not her usual type and something just doesn't sit right about the way Emily holds herself around the other girl, like she's not used to having her so close. She clings to Jen's hand like it's a lifeline, but I don't get long to think about it as Jen introduces herself to Naomi and the pair of them square up. It's fucking pathetic.
Thankfully Lara appears with Albert and I've got something to distract me as I take her from him. "Wine?" Lara asks as she hands Albert over to me and I give her a grateful smile. I'm driving but I can still have one glass. It's almost his bed time, but the toddler is still wide awake and he won't sit still as he squirms around in my arms. His face lights up as he catches sight of Naomi.
"Gnomey!" He squeals in delight as I hand him over to the blonde. He's really grown attached to her this summer and it's going to be hard on him when she disappears to go back to university in a few weeks.
I take Albert in to the living room while Lara asks Naomi to help her in the kitchen. Lara never lets anyone help her when she's cooking, so I'm pretty sure she's taking the blonde off to give her a break from Emily and Jen. So I'm not the only one who picked up on Naomi's unease around the happy couple. I take Albert in to the living room and find Cook and JJ already inside. Emily and Jen follow us in, but Emily makes an excuse to go off in to the kitchen, leaving me to babysit her girlfriend. Cook takes an interest in the blonde and he's making cracks about threesomes before the girl has even taken her coat off. She gives as good as she gets though and makes some joke about him having to ask Emily about it. I'm not overly keen on the girl, but I've got to admit that if she can hold her own against Cook then she'll fit in with us lot.
When Naomi comes in to the room she's carrying two glasses of wine and hands one to me as she takes a seat on the sofa just behind me. I'm sitting on the floor with Albert and one of his colouring books. There are only two sofas and an armchair so it's not like she has a lot of choice in where to sit, but I still feel a little uneasy with having her so close. There are too many of us for the dining room table, so we end up sitting with our plates on our laps and I'm sat between Effy and Naomi. I finish my first glass of wine and then switch to lemonade so I can drive home.
When Naomi finishes her wine she stands up to go get a refill from the kitchen and she offers to get one for Emily too. Their hands linger for a little too long as Emily hands over her glass and it takes everything in me to stop from glaring at the two of them. I give it a minute before following Naomi in to the kitchen. She has her back to me as she fills her and Emily's wine glasses up, so I quietly sneak up behind her and wrap my arms around her waist as my head rests on her shoulder. I press a kiss to her cheek and hear a little sigh escape her lips. I'm not going to like this. "You were right. I…I still have feelings for her."
I try to pull away, suddenly needing to put some space between the two of us before I explode at her. I knew there was still something there between them, but for once I'm not happy to be proven right. I never wanted this. I never wanted to be her constellation prize. She holds on to my hands though, stopping me from pulling away from her. "But you're the one I want Katie! I swear!" She hastily adds and I want to believe her. I want to believe that she wants me. She cups my face in her hands as she begs me to believe that it's me she wants. There's so much love in her eyes, and genuine affection, that I stop myself from screaming at her as I turn to press a kiss to her hand. I'm an adult now, I need to deal with this in a grownup way.
"I don't do second best Naomi…So if you want Emily, tell me now, yeah? Because if we carry on with whatever this thing is, and you choose her over me…I swear to god I will fucking kill you." I try and give her a way out if she wants one, but in all honesty we've already went way past the point of opting out of whatever is going on between us.
"I chose you." She backs up her words with a kiss and I don't fight her. I don't want to. I want to believe that I'm the one she wants. "Can we please go now? You could stay over tonight…just tell Emily you're seeing a guy or something…please Katie?"I'm ready to forgive her, and in a way I can even understand why she still has feelings for Em. She was such a big part of her life for such a long time and I can't expect her to just forget about what Emily used to mean to her; but at the same time I can't just forget about her admission. We can't just go back to how we were before Emily came back, no matter how much I wish we could.
I offer her a deceptive smile as I lean in close as though intending to kiss her and trail my hand down to her waistband. Our lips barely touch when I pull back and smirk at her frustrated expression. She's not getting off so easily. "Nope. You lied about Ems. You want a sleepover? I suggest you work damn hard to get back in my good books Campbell." If she's serious about wanting me then she's going to have to prove it. I give her a quick kiss before stealing her wine glass and flitting out of the room as she stares after me. She can chase me or she can run away; it's her choice.
I give her some time to make up her mind as I take Albert upstairs to bath him. He's still excited and unruly because of all the people in his house, but I managed to get him in and out of the bath and in to the Fireman Sam pyjamas I bought for him last Christmas. He's not ready for bed though and he keeps trying to get up to show me his toys. "Albert." I sigh as I tuck him in for the third time and try to go back to the story I'm reading him. He giggles and babbles away to himself as he picks up his stuffed bear and tosses it across the room.
"Albert, that's enough." Backup arrives in the form of Lara and with one stern look the toddler is lying back under the covers with the face of an angel. Within half an hour he's asleep and I follow Lara as she tiptoes out of his room. If he wakes up I'm going to have to read his book to him all over again.
"How are you doing?" She questions me as we stand on the landing. I'm still not quite ready to go back downstairs and face the others and she knows it. I shrug as I wrap my arms around myself.
"She still has feelings for Em…but she says she loves me-"
"She does. I can see it." Lara insists and I'm glad she thinks so. Lara's a pretty good judge of character, at least she saw through my bullshit when we were younger; just like she saw through JJ's oddness to see the decent guy inside. He might be a little socially inadequate, but he's a brilliant dad and Albert is blessed to have such amazing parents. "Just give her a chance. She hasn't seen Emily in two years; it's bound to mess with her head a bit."
"I suppose you're right." I sigh, begrudgingly accepting Lara's wait and see advice. I know I need to give Naomi time to figure things out, but it's not like we have much time left. She'll be going back to London soon.
We head back downstairs and I have to spend another hour playing nice until Naomi announces she's going and asks if I'm still dropping her off. I know it's not just the ride home she's asking about. She still wants me to stay over. I think I've let her stew for long enough, but before I can say yes Emily interrupts. "Why don't we all go? It'll save Katie making two trips?" The suggestion sounds innocent enough, but I can't help but wonder if she really is suspicious about me and Naomi growing so close. She knows how I feel about Naomi, but she has no idea that her ex feels the same for me. Naomi lives the closest, so if I take them all back I've got no excuse to be alone with her because she'd have to get out first. I have to think fast if I want to spend some time with her; and after tonight's little revelation I think it's safe to say we need some time alone together.
I use Naomi's earlier suggestion to try and get out of taking her home first. "Actually I'll take you guys back to mine first, then come back for Naomi. I'm meeting Niko later, he lives closer to her." Emily frowns and I don't think she's buying my story as she asks who Niko is. The same question is written all over Naomi's face and I hope she's jealous. Now she'll know how I feel when I see her looking at my sister. I lay it on thick as I gush over Niko like he's the hottest thing in Bristol and it works. I can't help but add a little dig at Emily. "And don't wait up. I'm not planning on sharing a bed with Effy tonight."
"Wouldn't be the first time, right Katie?"Emily shoots right back and she might as well have just slapped me in the face. Naomi frowns and I can tell she's starting to put the pieces together for herself. She knows things have been off between me and Emily for a while and I think she's close to figuring out that Emily caught me and Effy together.
"Are you fucking coming or what?" I snap as I pick up my purse and fish my keys out of it before turning to Naomi. "I'll pick you and Cook up in ten minutes, try and be ready this time." I sneer and she rolls her eyes at me. Maybe I'm overdoing it, but I don't want Emily to be any more suspicious then she already is. The four of us pile in to the Mini, with Effy riding shotgun up front with me and Emily and Jen sitting in the back. "So that was your ex, huh?" Jen is about as subtle as a brick to the face and I struggle not to glare at her in the rear view mirror. Emily looks just as miffed, though she quickly hides it.
"Yeah, that's Naomi." She answers, her attention fixed on the window and her expression troubled. She's thinking about Naomi. I can tell because I've seen that same look on my face a dozen times in the last few weeks. She doesn't say a word for the rest of the drive and Jen tries to get me and Effy to talk to her. I swear the girl never shuts up.
When we get back to the flat I expect to let the others out and head straight back to Lara's, but Emily lingers in the car. I feel my palms getting sweaty as I grip the steering wheel and swallow hard. This is it. Whatever's playing on her mind is about to come out and I'm not sure I can look her in the eye and lie about what's going on between me and Naomi. "Katie, you and Eff…you're not still…" Ok, not what I was expecting, but I can definitely turn around in my seat to look straight at her as I tell her that there's honestly nothing going on with me and Effy anymore.
"Of course not! I told you, it was a onetime thing…I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier…about me. I wasn't as brave as you were. I couldn't deal with that stuff like you could." I know part of the reason she's angry with me is because I hid my sexuality from her while making a big deal about hers, but I honestly wasn't ready to deal with the feelings I had for other girls when we were kids. I wasn't as strong as Emily. I secretly admired her for being so brave about being who she was; not that I've ever told her that before.
"I'm sorry you couldn't tell me too." Emily doesn't seem quite so burdened as she leans forward and hugs me from the backseat. It's the first hug we've shared in months and I can't lie; it feels good to have my sister back. "Have a good night and I'll see you tomorrow...oh and don't forget we're going to gran's tomorrow."
"Yeah, I know. I'll see you in the morning." I feel like shit as she gets out of the car, but I can't be honest with her. I'd lose her for good.
I'm still in a shit mood when I get back to Lara's and the first thing I do is walk in to the living room and climb on to Naomi's lap. I'm risking everything by giving in to my feelings for her and I need to know that I'm not making a mistake; that she isn't going to turn around and tell me she wants Emily instead. I wrap my arms around Naomi's neck and lean my head against her shoulder, needing to be close to her. I feel her tense, and I'm hoping it's just because Cook and Lara are there. "Ready to go?" She eventually wraps her arms around me and doesn't question the heavy sigh that escapes my lips.
Cook doesn't want a lift, choosing instead to crash in Lara and JJ's spare room, so it's only the two of us in the car on the way back to Naomi's. She brings up Niko and I can tell she's intimidated by the man that I described as the fittest male model in Bristol; which he is. I just forgot to mention to Emily that he's camp as Christmas and happily married to another man. I smile as I realise she cares enough to be jealous.
I'm ready to go straight to bed when we get back to Naomi's, but her mum and Kieran are still up and we end up having hot chocolate with them while Gina grills me on what I'm up to these days. I play nice with the older woman. I know she loves Emily to bits and she still sees her when she's home from the holidays, but I'm not really bothered if she likes my sister more than me. It's Naomi's opinion that counts. We manage to sneak off to bed after a bit and I curl up beside Naomi as we crash on to her bed still fully clothed.
"What are you doing tomorrow?" Naomi asks and I sigh as I remember I'm supposed to be spending the day at my gran's with the rest of my family. It's her birthday and mum's insisting we all go up to Edinburgh to see her and stay the night. "Is Jen going?"
"No, she's not. She's staying at mine with Eff…and I've got a favour to ask." I don't want Effy left on her own right now, not with how erratic her behaviour has been lately and I'm pretty sure Jen would drive any sane person to the brink of madness, so I want Naomi there to watch Effy's back. The blonde isn't stupid though and she knows exactly what I'm about to ask.
"No! No way!" She objects but I flash my best pout at her as I cuddle in even closer and run my fingers across her stomach, lingering close to the waistband of her jeans. "Fine." She gives in, just like I knew she would. She leans forward to kiss me, with her arms wrapped around my waist and it's nice. We just lie there like that for a while and I can feel my eyes starting to close over as exhaustion gets the better of me. It's been a long couple of days.
Naomi has something she needs to get off her chest though and she pulls away, biting nervously at her lip. "You didn't tell me Emily knew about you and Effy. Lara said…she said you and Emily weren't speaking for a while over it." Fuck. This is exactly the conversation I didn't want to have with her. I can't look her in the eye as I shrug and toy with the bottom of her shirt.
"Yeah, Ems was pissed. It wasn't about me being bi, or whatever, she was mad I give her such a hard time when she came out…but that's not why we stopped speaking."
"Then why?" I really don't want to answer, so I try to take her mind off Emily all together as I place my hand on the inside of her thigh, but for once the lure of sex isn't enough to distract her. Things were so much easier when this was just about sex, but now there are feelings involved on both sides and I suppose we really do have to talk about this. She was honest with me tonight so I'll have to return the favour. I roll on to my back and stare at the ceiling, lacing the fingers of her our hands together for some added security. It's now or never.
"She said the reason I was such a bitch to you and her was because I was jealous…she meant I was jealous of how happy she was…but she looked at me and she just knew…she just knew…" I close my eyes as I try to forget about the way she exploded in my face when she figured out I was in love with Naomi too. "She didn't speak to me for months."
"Does she know about us?" I can hear the panic in her voice as she sits up to stare down at me.
"No." Maybe? I really don't know, but I can't let Naomi know that. She'd freak out and probably run back to London and I can't deal with losing her yet. I also can't have Naomi's conscience getting the better of her so I need to make it clear that she can't tell Emily about us either. "It'd kill her if she knew!""She won't find out." She promises with a sigh as she kisses the top of my head. "Do you have to go to your gran's?" She whines at me after a while, changing the subject altogether.
"No, you can tell my mum I'm not going." I challenge with a laugh before leaning in to kiss the frown she's wearing on her lips. She makes a wisecrack about telling her over the phone from another country and I giggle in to her mouth as I kiss her again. I love moments like this, when we can just be a normal couple laughing over normal things. I wish it could be like this all the time; that we could stop lying to the people we love. That thought sobers me up and my smile slips away.
"We're never going to be able to tell anyone about this are we?" We can't even say what 'this' is. Am I Naomi's girlfriend? Or just her dirty secret?I'm surprised by her answer. "We could…if you wanted." She shrugs like it wouldn't be a big deal; like it wouldn't change everything. She doesn't look too sure about it though and I get the feeling she's just trying to say whatever will make me happy. It's sweet, but it's also crazy.
"What?" I frown at her. "What are you talking about?"
"I dunno… if you like, wanted to tell your mum or something?" Ok, she really is crazy. My mum would kill Naomi if she found out we'd been sleeping together. Hell, she'd probably kill me too, unless Emily got there first. I decide to play along though, testing just how far she's willing to push this to prove she wants to be with me.
"What if I asked you to do it tomorrow?" I climb on top of her and drape my arms around her neck. My skirt rides up from the movement and Naomi's attention is elsewhere as her eyes land on thighs. I lean in and bite softly at her lip to make sure I have her undivided attention. "Naomi? What if I asked you to tell my mum we were fucking? Tomorrow."
"Why not right now?" She shoots back at me with this cocksure grin and I just know she's figured out I'm playing her. She knows as well as I do that we're not ready for people to know about us. We carry on joking around, until her hand slips under my skirt and I forget all about playing games. We've only got what's left of tonight together, and god knows when we'll get another chance to be alone. I intend to make the most of it.
