So, I did it. Fair and square, I got the guy. A week after I originally planned to, but he said yes all the same. The kid was way more shy than me and (much like Tavros I tried not to think) stayed a safe distance away from me. He smiled sympathetically and explained that he wasn't sure he was quite comfortable letting everyone know he was into guys. I was fine, still reveling in my victory over winning over John. He followed after me, his ocean-like eyes trained on me. I walked along with a rehearsed sense of calm, toning down my grin to a sly smirk.
Terezi wasn't avoiding me at school, but she ignored any of my attempts at conversation. I decided to let it lie for a while, because I figured she'd probably want some time alone. Or maybe I was just too lazy to worry about her feelings. You know, either way. At first I was wary of Tavros' friend. Apparently, he'd sent two kids to the hospital once. When they asked him why he shrugged distantly and said he didn't know. For some reason this creep wasn't locked up but instead prowling the halls, waiting for a chance to run into me when Tavros wouldn't stop him. It seemed like it wasn't likely to happen, considering the kid was constantly flying over to Tavros like a magnet.
And Terezi, too, ended up hanging out with Tavros more. Apparently, she told him about how she'd been with me during the relationship and the two of them formed a nice little Anti-Dave club. Terezi's cronies followed.
Only then did I reach my first revelation. And it was the smallest to come. I looked around at the table, which was empty for John and I. And I realized besides Terezi, I didn't have many friends at school. I'd been friends with her, and I hadn't been satisfied with that. I asked her out, dying for more of her attention. And I'd been the same way with Tavros, save that he'd confessed to me first. And now the same thing with John.
…But something told me it wasn't the same thing. I felt different with John, like he was somehow more important than the others. Of course, I always felt a strong sense of favoritism when I started dating a new person. But John came before everyone else. My balance between my three relationships swayed dramatically towards John. I'd find myself staring at my phone screen, half awake, waiting for his response to nonsense messages. All the while, messages from Karkat and Jade were exploding, which I pushed aside, answering only when John was asleep.
With Terezi, I was happy to bullshit with her all day. If we got to the kissing thing, great, a bonus. With Tavros I never really minded that he wanted to take things (painstakingly, if I may add) slow. And obviously I didn't really get anything like that from Jade or Karkat.
But with John, I was nearly ready to drive my head through a wall. I wanted, not only, to have him kiss me because I wanted to be able to break in my new boyfriend's lips. That was certainly a reason, and that was the one I believed in.
What I really wanted, I suppose, was confirmation. To be sure that John loved me, that he cared about me, that he loved me above anyone else. I hear that now, how much I wanted to be his one and only, and didn't even consider what was wrong with me, and it makes me sick.
When we ended up kissing, it occupied the greater portion of my brain for most of the night. Being up against him with our lips locked firmly, nothing too hungry, but just a long, simple kiss. And I sat, staring at the grey text on my phone, nearly going cross-eyed. The image of John's pink face, his ear bright red swam around in my head, freezing my fingers. I couldn't type a response to Karkat; I didn't know how.
CG: WHERE WERE YOU YESTERDAY?
CG: YOU'RE LIKE… NEVER NOT ONLINE.
CG: I NEVER SUSPECTED YOU HAD THINGS YOU ACTUALLY DID BESIDES SIT AROUND ON YOUR ASS DOING GOD-KNOWS-WHAT
I typed without thinking.
TG: well actually i was thinking
CG: THAT'S RARE.
TG; i'm being serious karkat
CG: WELL THEN QUITE THE FUCKING THEATRICS, HUH?
CG: YOU'RE MAKING ME NERVOUS.
TG: i was thinking maybe
TG: well
TG: maybe we should break up
And then I did it. I made yet another mistake. My conscience (which I had successfully diminished to a microscopic size_ that had practically been screaming at me that John was special, that I needed to get my act together because I knew I couldn't keep doing this forever if I cared about John. For the hundred-millionth time in my life, I ignored my conscience.
CG: WHAT?
TG: mhm
TG: so you see
TG: thats why i was gone
TG: i went on a soul-soothing journey to contemplate this relationship
CG: … I'M GONNA GUESS YOU'RE TRYING TO PULL SOME LAME-ASS JOKE.
TG: of course i am
TG: god youre slow, dude
CG: OH LIKE YOU'RE NOT UNPREDICTABLE AS FUCK
CG: MAYBE I SHOULD BREAK UP WITH YOU
CG: HMMF
I spent the rest of the night slinging insults back and forth with Karkat in between shamelessly flirting, like usual. But for once in my life, I wasn't able to push the voice of reason out of my head. And it only had one thing to say, over and over.
What the hell are you doing.
