Author's Note: Yo yo! =D
Okay, for the first time ever, I don't think I have anything to say here XD Well, I guess we should go on then =P
Note: Sarah Berkowitz is Rebecca Berkowitz's sister.
Disclaimer: I made my Christmas wish list today and showed the 'own iCarly' wish to Bob. He laughed at me. *sighs* I'm seriously considering to change my lawyer... =/
And for the slow ones, I don't own iCarly! XD
Enjoy! =)
Chapter 17: Secrecy
Sam's POV
The moment I saw my notebook in that fruit bowl, I swear my heart skipped a beat. If Freddie simply turned around, he'd probably see it there, and in that moment, I knew I had to come up with a distraction, and I needed to do it fast. Well, I guess that wasn't much difficult, considering that my stomach helped a little. I was hungry, and the first thing I came up with ended up being related to food. But I'm not complaining, I mean, I managed to both get my notebook out of sight and get me some food. Nope, not complaining at all.
I can't even begin to describe how relieved I felt when I was finally able to hold my notebook again in my hands, and to finally know that no one would find it. I have no idea what I'd do if someone ever read it and found out what I have been hiding for so long, especially Freddie.
Okay, you might be asking yourself why I don't want anyone to read what I wrote in my notebook, right? Well, the thing is that the song I wrote isn't the only thing I have written in there. No, there's more, because I made the pages from the back of that notebook into something like a diary. But it's not a diary! Diaries are for people like Carly! No offence. Oops, it's still offensive… Ugh, whatever...
As I was saying, that notebook became something like a diary to me, and if you don't already know, people usually write extremely personal stuff in diaries, and in my case, extremely personal stuff would be something that would lead whoever read it to figure out that I fell for the dork.
I usually only write in there when I have something I have to get off my chest and I can't tell anyone about, and the only way I found to make me feel better was to write down how I felt. I know, I know, that sounded extremely girly. Well, that's exactly why no one ever knew about this, and I intend on keeping things that way.
I looked up from the spot I had been sitting on in the school backyard and scanned my surroundings, checking if there was no one in sight before I opened up my backpack and got my notebook out of there. You didn't expect me to be in class, listening to Mr. Briggs for one whole hour, did you?
Anyway, I began going through the mostly blank pages of my notebook until I finally got to the page I was looking for. It was from the first time I had ever written in my notebook, a few months ago. I read the words calmly, and the memories came back rushing into my mind.
"January 3rd, 2009
It's about eleven o'clock at night, and I have school tomorrow, but I just can't make myself fall asleep. People always say that diaries are pretty helpful when it comes to troubled feelings, so I thought that I should give it a shot, since nothing else seems to work.
I never thought I'd ever say something like this, but I just can't stop thinking about Freddie, and about what happened tonight.
I could never have imagined that I'd have my first kiss with Freddie, and I could also never have imagined that it'd make me feel like this. I just can't stop thinking about it, and I even caught myself imagining what would have happened if, right after Freddie pulled away from me, I had leaned in again and planted another kiss on his lips. I even tried to think of a situation where we could end up kissing again! What the hell is wrong with me?
I didn't tell Carly about it, just like I had promised to, and I hope things remain this way. It will be better like this.
I just hope that whatever is wrong with me gets fixed soon, because I just can't take this anymore.
Well, I guess that's all I wanted to get off my chest. And weirdly enough, I guess I feel better already. Maybe if I go to sleep now, when I wake up tomorrow, things will be back to the way they had been before this whole 'first-kiss' thing. Or at least I hope so...
~Sam"
I chuckled at how oblivious to the truth I had been at that time. I just had no idea that just a few weeks later I'd end up realizing that I had falled for the nub.
I kept going through the pages, coming across some random song lyrics I usually wrote down when I was bored in class, until I finally found another entry, which was from about three weeks after the first one.
"January 24th, 2009
I thought things would get back to normal after some time passed by, but they just got worse. It's already been three weeks since the night Freddie and I kissed, but I still can't get it out of my mind. But that's not all that's been bothering me.
Since that night, I've caught myself staring at Freddie several times. And not simply staring at him, but actually noticing stuff about him that I had never paid attention to before. Like how he was suddenly starting to build up some muscles, how his voice seemed to be getting even deeper than it already was, or how cute he seemed whenever he smiled, and how his laugh always made me smile, no matter what, and many times, I felt like laughing along with him for absolutely no reason...
Ugh, what's wrong with me?
I shouldn't be thinking these things about Freddie! It's like I've suddenly started to see him under a completely new light, and I'm not pleased by that. It's just... weird to think about him this way.
I don't know what to do anymore, because nothing I do seems to help me forget about him and that stupid kiss. I thought that maybe writing this down would help me a little, but I seriously doubt it..."
It was so funny to read my own thoughts at that time, when I was still in denial over all this. Deep down, I already knew why I was feeling that way at the time, but I just couldn't make myself admit it, not even to myself.
I then started looking for another entry, one that I remembered very well, and I soon found it.
"May 8th, 2009
I don't even know how to start this.
I guess it happened today during the webshow, or maybe while we were eating spaghetti tacos at Carly's, but that doesn't really matter right now. What truly matters is that at some point of the day, I finally came to a realization.
I don't really think I can call it a realization, I think I just finally accepted something that had been bothering me for over two whole months, even though I still couldn't make myself say it. And that's exactly why I'm writing this.
I have to let it out, or else I think I might just explode. I can't make myself think of anything else, and right now, I feel like I'll go mad if I don't get this off my chest.
And since I don't feel ready to tell anyone about this, I figured I'd write here once more. I just hope this is the last time I feel the need to do this.
I haven't been able to fully wrap my mind around this, and I'm pretty sure it will take me a while to finally be able to do that. It's just something I had never seen coming, and if someone had ever told me this would happen someday, I'd laugh in their faces. But no matter how impossible this once seemed to me, it happened anyway.
The truth is… I fell for Freddie.
There, I said it. I fell for the dork, and right now, I can't get him out of my mind.
I've never felt this way for anyone in my whole life, and the fact that I ended up feeling this way for Freddie, of all people, kind of terrifies me. And what's bothering even more is that Freddie will never feel the same way about me.
He's been in love with Carly since the day he met her, and she's sweet and funny and pretty and has everything a boy looks for in a girl, while I'm the bully who's constantly picking on him, beating him up and calling him names.
How could he feel anything for me?"
I sighed as I read the last part, closing my eyes for a moment. It had been a few weeks since I wrote that, but my fears remained the same. I still couldn't see how Freddie could ever feel anything for me, at least not romantically. I mean, how could he? With his feelings for Carly fogging up his brain, making it difficult for him to think of any other girl that wasn't her, why on Earth would he start thinking about me that way? I just couldn't see it happening.
I sighed once again as I went through some more pages until I came across another entry from not so long ago.
"May 15th, 2009
I hate Sarah Berkowitz so much!
Well, no wonder she has the sister she has, she's so annoying and bratty. She's the kind of girl that can get any guy she wants, and she seems to really enjoy herself when she does. I didn't really care about anything she did until this morning, when she walked up to me, Carly and Freddie while we were chatting by our lockers to ask Carly about a History test they'd have in the class they shared. There was nothing wrong with that, but I soon caught up with what she was thinking.
She didn't leave right away after she got the information she wanted about the test. It seemed like she didn't want to leave just yet, and she started to try to make a conversation with us. That kind of freaked me out, since she had always tried to ignore the three of us as much as she could, but I didn't realize what she wanted until I started to watch her closely while she went on about how she had loved our last webcast, even though it was clear that she had probably just asked someone about it and memorized as much information as she could before she came to talk to us.
Anyway, I soon noticed how she'd always sneak a glance towards Freddie whenever she thought neither one of us was looking, and I could tell both Carly and Freddie were completely oblivious to it. But I wasn't, and it soon started to piss me off. I was beginning to consider saying something about it, but before I could do it, Sarah finally said she needed to go.
I felt really relieved when she started to walk away, but then she suddenly turned around and winked at Freddie. And before any of us had time to react, she resumed walking and was soon out of sight.
Okay, so maybe you, little diary, may think I'm overreacting a bit, right? Well, but that wasn't all. After lunch, Freddie found a note inside his locker, that simply said 'Call me', and then what I guessed was Sarah's number written on the bottom of the paper, and a red lipstick mark shaped like a kiss in the center of it. It seriously made me want to puke.
After receiving that note, Freddie seemed to be a little bit too happy, probably because it was the first time a girl had showed any interest on him after Valerie, and he soon started to get on my nerves. So that's why after Carly said she needed to talk to Wendy about something and left us alone, I tried to talk some sense into him. I only told him the truth, that Sarah was just suddenly interested on him because he was famous on the internet. The show's viewers were already past five hundred thousand every week, and the number increased with every single webcast we did, and we also had won the iWeb Awards a few months ago. All that might have made Sarah grow some interest for him.
But I knew her kind too well not to know that she'd just go out with him once, make out, and then dump him after she had chosen her next victim. She made me sick.
I was relieved when Freddie told me that he knew that already, and that he hadn't even considered going out with her. I guess I can thank his crush on Carly for that, making him think he shouldn't get involved with anyone else until she gave him a chance. But I still felt bad because of that. I wanted him to turn down Sarah for me, not for Carly. But I guess that will never happen..."
I closed my notebook and put it back inside my backpack, not planning on getting it out of there so soon. I couldn't find any safe place where I could leave it, so I decided that the best thing to do was to carry it around with me. Maybe putting it inside my locker could also work, but I didn't like the idea of not having it within my reach whenever I needed to write something down.
I guess now it's easy to see why I panicked when the possibility of either Carly or Freddie finding my notebook and reading it was real. That notebook was the only safe place I had for my feelings, and I couldn't let any one of them find out about all I had written in there.
I just hoped that nothing else that could get them so close to finding out the truth would ever happen.
Carly's POV
I stared at Mr. Howard as he talked about… Well, something. I wasn't paying attention to him at all. I know, I'm not like this, I usually pay attention to all classes, but today, I just couldn't do it. My mind was somewhere else. I was trying to think of a way to finally get Sam and Freddie together. Their stubbornness is annoying me, because it seems that if I don't do something, nothing will change, and they'll never admit that they feel something for each other. I haven't worked much on my Seddie plan lately, but now I was determined to get all this fixed.
But I just had no idea of how to do that… if only I could just…
Wait a second.
And that was exactly when the perfect idea hit me. And the more I thought of it, the more I believed it could actually work. I smiled brightly as I went through the idea over and over, and then decided to stop wasting time.
I'd put the plan into action tomorrow.
Author's Note: Uhhhh, Carly has a plan... I wonder what it is... ;)
Just to clear things up, the two last entries of Sam's diary were written during this fic. (The first one of those during the first few chapters, when Sam was still in denial over her feelings.) =)
Well, I guess that's it for now =) It's summer time for me right now, so I'll probably update more often =)
Thank you so much for reading! =)
Reviews make me smile ;)
xxiCarlyFanxx
