~Chapter 4~

In the police car, Miyako and her father were debating whether or not to cut me a break this time or arrest me while they had the chance. It didn't matter if they let me go; after this, I was never 'stealing' something again. I was officially a retired Kaitou. I would not go seal another demon, I would not come in contact with Sinbad again, and I would not ever go through this night ever again!

Miyako was arguing that I was scared beyond recognition. Her dad was arguing that this may be the only chance they would get to arrest me.

I closed my eyes and continued resting my head on my friend's lap. I was still crying; hadn't been able to stop. I was trembling and shaking from fear, and I knew for a fact that Miyako could sense my frailty and feel every twitch I made. This must be why she was fighting relentlessly for my freedom, although, I didn't care. If I was set free, they would never see Kaitou Jeanne again, thus killing their chances of arresting me; if they arrested me, however, then I would be all alone, like I wanted. I would be cut off from civilization, I would get free food, water, and plumbing, and I would not run into it.

I could feel Miyako smiling tenderly down at me, as if assuring me I was going to be fine. I didn't smile back. If she was fighting for me, then I didn't want her to fight for a false smile.

My eyes shot open when the fighting stopped along with the car. We hadn't reached the police station yet, but we had pulled over. Apparently I hadn't been listening as much as I thought I had.

The next thing I knew, Miyako was tugging down the collar of my shirt. I honestly didn't know why. I didn't have a special tattoo or anything to show my identity. I didn't have a birthmark or body piercing. So what had caught her attention? What could possibly be on my neck to catch her attention?

This question answered itself.

"Jeanne..." she breathed. "Where did you get this?"

She gently brushed her finger over the area on my neck, which was actually right above the base of my neck. I moved my hand and followed her finger traces. I pressed down a bit on my neck until I finally hit the spot she was talking about. It hurt. It was a bruise.

I winced when I found the spot, letting her know I now knew what she meant.

"I don't want to talk about it," I answered quietly.

I knew very well where that had come from, but I didn't think it had actually been a noticeable bruise up until now.

"It looks like a fist mark," Miyako's father observed. Since he was a detective, and had been on many a case, he knew exactly what had caused the bruises on a body.

"It does..." Miyako agreed. "Jeanne, was this from...Kaitou Sinbad?"

I closed my eyes again and hoped they would just get back to arguing.

"Are there any more of those?" Miyako's dad asked. Surprisingly enough, he wasn't asking me, but his daughter.

Miyako didn't try to rush me into anything. She was very sympathetic, and rubbed my shoulder comfortingly before lifting up my sleeves. I already knew there were bruises on my arms. They were healing much faster than the one on my neck. Unfortunately, though, bruises tend to heal more slowly than cuts or scrapes. These bruises were, by now, a faint brown color. Some of them used to be darker brown. Most of them had healed completely. Now there remained only about two or three bruises left. Previously there had around six, at least.

I sighed, knowing the detective was watching his daughter rub the faded brown areas with the utmost care. He saw them. He saw my marks of weakness. I wasn't strong, I never had been. It was an act. I only looked strong by evading the police using my superior agility. Rarely had I needed to actually fight. Now that he'd seen these marks...

"Jeanne, what did Sinbad do?" Detective Toudaiji asked.

I cracked my eyes. He was looking at my eyes. My tortured, broken eyes. I started to open my mouth, but didn't. I didn't want anyone to know. They couldn't know. I closed my eyes again. I just wanted to rest... I just wanted to forget... I just wanted it all to go away...

"Jeanne, please. We need to know this," he pressed.

"Dad, stop it!" Miyako yelled at her father, almost making him run off the road. She turned to me and sang softly, "It's okay, Jeanne. You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

I nodded my head, which was kind of hard to do since my head was resting on Miyako's lap, but I managed. In response, I felt her hand stroke my hair. She did that even when her father and her got back into their former argument. Occasionally I would feel her twirl my hair and play around with it a little. I didn't mind. It felt nice knowing someone cared and wouldn't keep pressuring me into talking.

I felt the car stop, and at first I thought it was just another red light. However, when the car door opened, I opened my eyes and saw myself at Minazuki Park. I was told to get out, that I was free to go this time. Apparently the detective was rendered useless against his little girl's strong and stubborn demands. She'd argued hard for my freedom, and I knew that.

I got out of the car, with much difficulty from my injured foot, and stood silently. I let the look on my face thank them. They seemed to get the hint and smiled tenderly at me.

I jumped up onto a tree branch, almost lost my footing, regained my equilibrium, and watched them as they got back into the car and drove away, Miyako waving goodbye. I put a hand up and waved back at them. Finally, the car disappeared. I was left alone. I was always alone. But this time I wanted to be alone. Alone was good; alone was me. Lonely wasn't a feeling I knew anymore. It was just a word, a word written in the text of my life. My past life. I was a new girl, I'd been reborn the day... N-No...I couldn't remember that! Not now, not ever!

I furrowed my eyebrows in annoyance and stress and tried to shake the memory from my brain. It wasn't working very well.

I wanted to scream, to yell, to beat something up, but I didn't. There was no point in doing that.


"Oh..." Access mumbled. "Poor Jeanne... She never deserved it. I...I should tell her...but... No, no! I can't! But it might help... Agh! It doesn't matter!"

That was right, I hadn't done anything to get what I'd gotten! It wasn't my fault, but now I was thinking it was. I was sure it was my fault because I had been just that weak and naive. Now the Kuro-Tenshi couldn't help but wonder if I would ever trust anyone nearly as much as I used to. The cops had only let me go because of my current emotional state. I was too fragile, too broken. If I'd been thrown in jail, I probably would've had a heart attack!


I had just transformed back into Maron. Weak Maron, weak Jeanne. That's how it always went, didn't it? I sat on the couch and waited. I didn't know what I was waiting for. Something, guess. Maybe I was waiting to forget it. Wouldn't that be nice... I sighed as I realized it was an impossible event to forget.

I gripped the edge of my couch as tightly as I could. I was Jeanne; I shouldn't have been so weak! So helpless, so naive, so everything! It shouldn't have ever happened... I wish this had never happened to me! It wasn't fair...it just wasn't...fair...

I hissed as I tried to push back a scream. I had every right to scream, every right to break things. It was his fault I'd lost all appetite... It was his fault I was like this! I was permanently scarred because of him... And there was nothing I could do about it... I was just too weak...

I closed my eyes, trying to hold in tears. No waterworks, I didn't want anymore waterworks. I was so tired of this...the crying, the nightmares, loss of appetite, pain, fear, agony... The list just went on.

"D-Didn't...want it..." I grunted.

Tears spilled over despite my efforts to keep them in. I had bruises all over me because of this. I hated him...hated him so much... I just...I just wanted it to go away... It wasn't much to ask. I couldn't become Jeanne anymore. I couldn't keep facing the risk of meeting Kaitou Sinbad. It was too traumatic, too horrifying. Yet for some unknown reason, I kept remembering it. Every God-forsaken night my subconscience replayed the entire scene, the entire view. All the pain rushed back, every single night. I was so tired of waking up screaming and then feeling the urge to shower.

I sniffled and hiccuped. Who was really at fault? Me or Sinbad? I kept blaming myself and him, but now I was sure it was me. I'd grown too used to Sinbad's sudden appearances. He was just using that. I reckoned he would get close to me, and I'd grown to trust that. I'd grown to trust him... He used that trust against me. He'd thrown it away like it was a piece of garbage. Was that all I was to him? Trash on the floor?

I growled and hiccuped again. How could anyone do that? I had been completely innocent. I'd followed my heart, doing exactly what Fin told me to. I'd become Kaitou Jeanne. I'd tried to seal the demon. As usual, Sinbad appeared right behind me. Well, technically, it wasn't behind me at all; he appeared several feet in front of me, holding up his pin. As I held mine up...a-as I held mine...

The only way to forget was to not think about it. Too much, it was just too much for me!


"Why did she cry out like that?" Chiaki asked, to no one in particular.

Access took a deep breath, wondering what to say to cover it up. "I guess... I guess she had a nightmare about you or something. Might've freaked her out."

He shook his head. "No, it had to be more than that. She's been screaming 'Don't touch me!' every night for awhile now. I can't help but wonder if that has anything to do with it."

"Dunno. Girls get weird sometimes. Like when she has to shower every night. It's probably just a phase. Just you wait, it'll pass."

"Access, don't act so nonchalant about this! This might be serious! Something's gotten to her. She's scared of it now. I don't know if it was me or not, but...either way..." he trailed off, not knowing what exactly to say next.

His head jerked up as Fin was heard yelling just outside. He opened the door to his veranda and sure enough, Fin had been locked out again.

"Maron! Let me back in! I'm sorry!" she cried.

Chiaki gave Access a look that said, "What happened this time?" And in return, Access shrugged. Made Chiaki feel stupid, actually. After all, why would Access know what happened behind my closed and locked door? Well, other than my nightly scream session.

And speaking of the "scream session", as he and Access had grown accustomed to calling it, that really bothered Chiaki. He'd figured it had a direct connection to my outbursts. He was positive that I had been scared stiff by him, and not by anything else. And then there was that awful dream, no...nightmare, that he'd had. He loved me to death, yet somehow he'd had a realistic dream depicting my face. There was nothing but pure agony written on it. I had been crying uncontrollably in that dream. My eyes had been boring a hole right into him, telling him something. Something bad. But what was it?

Access claimed to have no idea, and maybe that was true, but even so, the expression on my face couldn't be forgotten. In his dream, I'd been looking straight at him. Had something happened to me and he hadn't come in time? Or worse...had he done something to me? From the horrible way I'd looked at him, he assumed the latter had happened. Maybe, though it was unlikely, but maybe his dream had something to do with what went on earlier.


I stood up, putting an arm around myself. My feelings right now? Pain, regret, anger, helplessness, sadness, hopelessness, confusion. Everything bad, really. I didn't know what was happening to me. I had tried my best to do my job... I'd tried so hard to seal as many demons as I could nail... Why did it go so horribly wrong? Why was I so terrified of Sinbad? Well, I knew the answer to that last one, but I refused to tell anyone that. Heck, I didn't even want to tell myself that.

I looked over at my doorknob. It was unlocked, just like Fin had left it. I wondered how long this would go on. I wondered if I should lock the door again. I'd told Chiaki about pretty much all my problems. He'd helped me through them. It was possible that I could tell him what was going on, but... It was risky. I could break down right in front of him. I wanted to stay strong. I wanted to stay Jeanne. But right now the strong rock-like strength I'd built up was slowly crumbling. I used to be unbreakable, infallible. But in one swift night, that had completely turned around. I'd been broken that night, I'd fallen that night.

Sinbad had really done his damage this time... I couldn't even stand to face him anymore. What if he chanced to find out who I really was? What if he found out where I lived? What if he was on his way right now? What if he'd seen my transformation? WHAT IF HE ACTUALLY KNEW MY IDENTITY? WHAT IF HE'D FOLLOWED ME HERE? WHAT IF HE WAS HERE NOW?

I rushed out the door, but quickly halted. It was nonsense. I'd been very vigilant. The only person I saw on my way back was Chiaki.

I turned around and went back inside. I closed the door and locked it. I was always hiding behind this door it seemed. I suppose not everyone could be helped. Maybe some problems just couldn't be erased. This one was probably one of them.

I held my head gently with my hands. I wanted comfort, I really did, but whenever someone offered it to me, I rejected it and pushed them away. Why? I...I didn't understand any of this! All I had to do was unlock that door. That was it. It was just that simple. I hadn't been able to bring myself to face society because of how ashamed of myself I was. I still was unimaginably ashamed, but...

I walked back up to the door, the one barrier separating me from the rest of the world. I began to reach out toward the lock, but I hesitated. If this was unlocked, I might crack. Forget cracking, I might reveal everything! Then I'd never hear the end of it... I didn't want people's pity. Constantly reminding me of what happened... But what if there was someone just waiting to help me? What if Chiaki was right outside my door, ready to offer me a new barrier? Ready to offer me comfort? Ready to say it was okay to cry?

I fell to my knees. I just couldn't do it. I was permanently confined to my apartment. I'd missed school for how long now? I was a wreck. I couldn't even face my best friend. I'd shoved her out of my life like she was nothing. And Fin...she had been more than my friend, she had been the only family I had. I couldn't stand to face even her... I could face myself anymore...

It was hard just to keep going. I hadn't cleaned my room in forever. The shattered mirror was still there, on of its broken pieces reflecting me. My hair was unbrushed, still. My lips were cracked. My eyes were red and puffy. Tears bled onto my face. The kitchen looked about at as bad as I did. Unwashed dishes cluttered the counter and sink. There was a stain on the kitchen rug from where I'd broken down and dropped my spaghetti. There was a pot still on the stove. A pan that I'd dropped awhile back leaned against a cabinet door. One of the cabinet doors was still open.

My bedroom was worse than the kitchen. Aside from the shattered mirror, pillows had been shredded and thrown across the room. Dirty clothes lay everywhere. The covers had all but fallen off the bed. The sheets were crumpled into a tight ball. There were two holes in the wall. Not surprising; the bedroom was where my fits of rage usually took place.

I sighed heavily and looked at my knuckles. They were cut up and scraped from the holes in the wall. It was official. I could barely function.

I stood up. For a second, I thought about unlocking the door. But I decided against it. It was stupid, thinking someone would understand me.