Arizona stirred and forced her eyes open. She squinted her eyes, taking in her surroundings. For a second she didn't know where she was but the it all came rushing back to her. Callie throwing her out of the apartment, following Murphy home...And then...? She remembered breaking down in front of the intern but after that. ..nothing. Did she fall asleep? 'Oh god, tell me I didn't fall asleep on the poor woman last night. I'm really starting to make a great impression on her... She have been nothing but kind to me, and this is how I repay her. I hope I can make it up to her somehow. '

She turned from her side to lay on her back and stared up at the ceiling, sighing deeply she contemplated her situation. It had been weeks since the storm, months even and still she had not gotten one opportunity to explain anything to Callie and it was tearing her apart. Her wife was stonewalling her, but she had no problems going around the hospital telling everyone else their business. And Arizona understood. She really did. She wasn't proud of what she'd done. She regretted ever meeting Lauren but... On the other hand she couldn't. The other doctor had brought out something in her that she thought she'd lost, it was buried so deep within her she hadn't even realized that she was missing it.

She had lost herself long before the plane crash. Thinking back it might have been when she returned from africa. That's the last time she'd felt in control. She absolutely didn't regret coming back or being a parent... But all the compromises, always coming in third place for Callie's attention, for her love... Callie never confided in her, especially when she had Mark. The one time she'd ever thrown him out and chosen her wife over him, it was to have sex... Which had been amazing but that wasn't the point. She'd never thrown him out because she needed Arizona opinion over his. All of this had chipped away on her confidence, she had to make herself less, take less space in her own marriage because all her thoughts and plans simply didn't count as much. She no longer was the woman she was raised to be. She was being swallow by the storm rather than being a good man.

And thinking back, Callie and her had stopped communicating with each other a long time ago. To this day she still didn't know if Callie blamed her for the car accident. She sure as hell knew Mark did so chances were, so did her wife. But she never dared to bring it up and then so much time had passed... It was easier to forget about it.

She knew she was being unfair, she had grown to love Mark but then again, it wasn't his fault her marriage was built on a questionable foundation. It was Callie's and her fault. They had thought their strong love for one another protected them, that it had made it unnecessary to vent, to talk things over and soon it had been to late even if they had wanted to. There was just too much. .. Stuff in the way. Unforgivable things maybe? Arizona didn't know anymore. And now she had cheated on her wife and her wife had made it more than abundantly clear that she was dead to her. What little hope Arizona had felt before the night of the gala was pretty much gone. Still she wished she could just talk to the brunette. Tell her all of this. Tell her that she was sorry. For all the abuse after the plane, but that she had lost her trust in her after that. She didn't want to but that was the truth. She wanted to tell her what had made her sleep with Lauren. She knew this all wouldn't be easy but it was time for them to be brutally honest with each other. They still had a child together and for her sake they had to sort these things out. Even if they didn't find their way back to each other.

They both had grown selfish. She admitted it. She'd lashed out one more than one occasion but so had Callie. Arizona had wanted to buy a house, to get some sense of stability after her accident. She was handicapped now and couldn't even imagine the different troubles she'd run into over the coming years. She didn't want to buy an hospital. It was selfish, she knew that but then nobody saw it from her point of view. Least of all Callie.

She started to wonder if she really wanted to get back together with her wife, even if it was possible. They'd lost so much respect and trust for each other along the way, even if they really did have that magic love Bailey spoke about.

Arizona was so lost in thought she failed to hear or see Leah, who was standing in doorway leading to her bedroom. She cleared her throat to make her presence known.

Arizona snapped out of her inner ramblings and turned her head to see what had caused the sound.


I just saw the second sneak peek of the next grey's episode, the one with Arizona and Leah. I'm not sure what I think about them as romantically involved. But as I wrote this chapter I realized that even if I want nothing more than Callie and Arizona to find their way back to each other there are many obstacles in their way. And I actually think the writers has skipped over so much of their relationship, there is so much we don't get to see and it had made their relationship hollow, even if Jessica Capshaw and Sara Ramirez are hitting every scene out of the park and making us love them. A big part of my love for calzona comes from reading all these wonderful fanfics bout them. The writers here fill in the blanks, tells us to keep believing in their love. I don't know where I'm going with this but that just occurred to me. My hope is, if Arizona decides to get involved with Leah, it will be a catalyst to Callie and Arizona actually getting their heads out of their a**es and talk this out.

Sorry for this ramble, it's in the middle of the night here. I don't get to see "map of you" for another 20 hours so if you're wonderful enough to review this chapter, don't write any spoilers:-) thanks!

/mli