Faith stood in the living room at an angle where should could discreetly peek into the main bedroom. Fred was lying on the bed, fast asleep. Wesley was sitting on the bedside, cradling his infant child. Faith found herself smiling. He looked so happy, marveling at the tiny life in his arms. He stood up and left the room. Faith looked for something to pretend that she was doing. She heard the door gently shut, and then watched Wesley walk up to her. "Are you okay?" He asked her "And don't be all stoic and in denial, it's trite."
Faith smiled. She would have done just that to anybody else, lied, made a joke. She looked at the baby, small, soft, breakable. "Can I…" Faith blushed, unsure why.
"Here," Wesley showed her how to hold the baby. Faith felt a little sick. Holding the baby made her nervous, like she was going to hurt the child on accident.
"What's it like?" Faith asked
Wesley didn't need her to clarify. "Like falling in love, but without the selfish part. It's having someone to love unconditionally without needing anything back, because you just want them to be happy. It's terrifying, and amazing, and more complicated than I'm making it sound."
Faith grinned. "Wow Cordelia," Faith said "You're pretty special huh?" The baby didn't react to her name. She stared without purpose, not yet aware of the meanings of images, or scents or sounds. She was less than a week old and she was already loved by so many people. Yet she could not yet process any such concept. She was new. Faith found the idea very appealing. On impulse the kissed the baby's forehead. The child's face crinkled up and she began to cry. Faith was startled. She felt a strong sense of guilt. "I-I'm sorry. I didn't-"
"It's okay." He touched her arm. "She's a newborn, she'll cry for almost any reason."
"But I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't even be-" She tried to hand the baby back.
Wesley took the child, shushing her. The infant continued to cry, uninterested in her father's requests. Wesley looked at Faith's stricken face. "What is it?" He asked
"I shouldn't have done that. I'm-" She looked away, biting her lip.
"What?" Wesley asked "What are you?"
"Unclean," She whispered
Wesley gripped her shoulder. She continued to look away. "Faith look to me." She forced herself to look at him, to look into his eyes. They were filled with paternal concerned, but the concern wasn't directed at the crying baby, it was directed at her. "You're not unclean."
"I'm infected." She said
"That doesn't make you unclean. You're a good person Faith."
She gave him a wary grin. "But it's not enough is it? Being a good person can't erase the bad things I've done. It won't keep me safe from the Ram. It won't keep Conner safe from the Wolf. I can't wash away my past; I can't clean the inside of me."
Faith was taken completely by surprise when Wesley leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead the same way she'd kissed his baby. "Listen to me. We all have pasts. That doesn't determine who we are. All that matters is who you are now. You're a new person each day."
"I'm new," Faith mulled the words over. "Like her?" She gestured to the baby.
"Exactly,"
Thirteen Months Ago
Faith sat at her desk trying to talk to the stubborn woman sitting at the other side. "We have rules here Jennifer." Faith tried to explain "Being a slayer is about being part of a team."
Jennifer snorted. "Right, a team. We're not a team, we're your goon squad."
Faith clenched a fist under her desk where Jennifer couldn't see. Faith wasn't good at this part. She wasn't good at being understanding and insightful. But it was part of the job. "Jennifer, we are a team. We work together to accomplish our objectives and keep a lid on the hellmouth and the demonic activity it attracts. We never go on a solo mission without pre-approved-"
"There used to be only one slayer." Jennifer interrupted "So how can it be a team thing?"
"Well obviously it wasn't then." Faith said through gritted teeth "Things changed." She forced a smile on her face that looked as natural as plastic. "We do things differently now."
"So we don't kill people now?" Jennifer asked "Because I heard from one of the other girls that you used to kill people. I heard you got sent to jail for murder and broke out."
Faith stared at the woman in front of her. She knew it was stupid not to have a response prepared for a situation like this. It was bound to happen on occasion. It was hard to keep something like a felony murder conviction a secret. The only thing she could think of to say was the stupid obvious thing. "No Jennifer, we don't kill people."
Jennifer gave another unpleasant derisive snort. It was very unappealing, making her look like a pig. "I guess you aren't exactly qualified to judge my performance then huh?"
"Heh," Faith gave a fake laugh. "I guess not. I guess I'm not the person for the job. Do you want it? Do you think you could do what I do? I don't, but if you disagree..." Faith gestured to her office. "Take over Jenny, run all this. We'll see what you can make of it."
Jennifer scowled. "Don't call me Jenny. I hate being called Jenny."
"I don't care." Faith said in the most uninterested voice imaginable.
"Yeah, you don't. You don't care about anybody, so why should I?"
"You shouldn't." Faith said "You should do what I did. Don't care about anybody but yourself. Do whatever brings you pleasure or profit. Hurt people if they get in your way. I've already read this book though, so let's skip to the end. You end up with no friends, no one that cares if you live or die, and nothing to live for. I tried to end my life and one of the people I'd been the most rotten to of all saved me. Do you know what that was like for me?"
"Why should I care?" Jennifer asked "You're a bad person." Jennifer sat back in her chair with her arms crossed over her chest, confident in her moral superiority. She had a big cocky grin on her face. She was begging for a good rebuttal, certain there wasn't one.
"And what are you Jenny? A good person? You put your whole squad in danger. If one of them had gotten hurt, then what? What would make you any better than me?" Faith knew there was a big difference in the two crimes, and that the odds of any of the girls actually dying because of what Jenny had done was slim, but Faith was going for the dramatic touch.
Jenny shifted in her chair. She had lost her confidence. "I don't think I'm going to fit in here. I don't think I can follow someone like you, or work with a bunch of kids."
"They're the same age as you Jenny." Faith said
"But they're kids. They don't get what the world is really like out there."
"I do." Faith said "It's not always a good thing, that knowledge."
Jenny frowned. She looked away. "I can't do this."
"If I could, you can."
Jenny peeked at Faith. They locked eyes. "How do you do it? How do you get up every morning and go on like none of it ever happened? How do you forget?"
"I don't." Faith said "I never will."
…
Spike stood under the stream of hot water. It was hard getting access to the bathroom ever since their houseguests had shown up. Besides the bathrooms in the club which had no showers, the only bathrooms were the one upstairs in Teresa and Lorne's apartment, and the one down here that he and Harmony used. The building had gone from housing four people to housing twelve. The tripling in capacity showed. Spike knew it wouldn't take long for the tension to become palpable. He needed to get out of Caritas. He shut off the stream of water and then heard a pounding on the door. "Hurry up!" Harmony whined "I need the restroom!"
Spike considered lolly-gagging just to mess with her, but decided against it. There wasn't really anything for him to do in here anyway. Spike started for the door, intending to walk out fully nude. He remembered their eight house guests and grabbed a towel. Anybody could be outside that door. Spike wrapped the towel around himself and then threw the door open. "Right this way your majesty," He gestured into the lavatory. Harmony rolled her eyes. Spike walked past, bumping her shoulder. Spike headed for their room to get dressed.
After drying and clothing himself Spike left the room. As he walked down the hall he passed the room they'd chained Conner up in. Angel was sitting next to his son. The boy leaned against his father, sweating heavily and breathing shallowly. Spike flinched and picked up the pace. He went upstairs where Gunn, Anne, Lorne, and Teresa were at one of the tables, playing hearts. Gunn was losing. "I'm leaving." Spike informed them "Call me if something happens."
Lorne looked up from his hand. "Are you sure you should go?"
"Why should I stay? Do you need me for something?"
"We desire your good company." Teresa said "Come play with us."
"Four person game," Spike reminded her "I really do need to go out. If there's an emergency or the club burns down, just call me."
"In what universe is the club burning down not already an emergency?" Lorne asked
Spike was already halfway back down the staircase, heading for the sewer access. Spike sometimes wondered if the last year and a half in NY had domesticated him. The old Spike, whoever that was, wouldn't tell anyone he was leaving. He would just go. Spike knew it was important for them to communicate, but that was just it. Before he wouldn't have cared. Spike supposed part of it was spending so much time around Lorne and Teresa. Spike had complicated relationships. For most of the people in his life that were important to him the distinction between loving them and hating them was unclear. Yet the Pylean and his hybrid girlfriend were impossible to hate. They managed to avoid being pretty much everything that he personally disliked in someone. They weren't hypocrites, pretentious, or self-absorbed. Unlike Angel, Lorne and Teresa helped people in more subtle ways, with their psychic help. They didn't demand the title of champion, or brood over their lot in life. They were some of the only people he'd ever met who actually seemed to like their lot in life. The thing that annoyed Spike the most about Angel was definitely the brooding, and he's never seen the demon couple engage in the frustrating activity. Lorne didn't whine about his tortured past, Teresa didn't complain about the visions Cordelia sent her from the nether realm that alerted Spike of what evil needed to be fought nearby. They were both genuinely happy people who enjoyed their lives and made light of their problems. Also Teresa had a fluxing level of sanity which Spike had always found endearing as Drusilla could attest if he hadn't staked her. Even though the casual observer might peg his relationship with Harmony as highly dysfunctional (and be right) it was the healthiest relationship he'd ever had. It wasn't as if Drusilla or Buffy had been any better for his mental well-being. What he loved about Harmony was that he didn't, love her that is. He didn't hate her, sometimes he liked her; but he never loved her, and that was a bit of a relief.
So yeah, New York had mellowed him out a little. Was that such a bad thing? Spike didn't know. He looked around at the sewer tunnel walls. He'd been so absorbed in his thoughts he'd lost track of where he was going. Spike looked for the numbers that marked the different lines. His phone went off. Spike picked it up and his heart skipped a beat. It was Buffy again. He answered the phone and put it to his ear. "Spike's house of pain, how may I drink you?"
"I'm not in the mood Spike." Buffy said
"Sorry love, what can I do for you?"
"I need to talk to you, can you meet me at my hotel?" It was a difficult question. Buffy knew, and Spike knew she knew, but neither of them were acknowledging that she knew. Did she know that he knew she knew? Spike realized he'd just given himself a headache with his ridiculous circular thinking. What harm could it do to talk? It might help.
"Yeah sure, give me the address."
Eleven Months Ago
Spike knocked on the door of the small house. He checked the address on the piece of paper in his hand against the one over the door. An old man with a walker opened the door. He adjusted his spectacles to get a better view of Spike. "Spike's paranormal investigations?"
"Yep," Spike said "You said you have a demon problem?"
The old man nodded. He gestured for Spike to enter. "I do."
"Can I come in?" The gesture wasn't sufficient.
"Come in." The man said "It's nice to see a kid with manners for once."
"Well I'm older than I look." Spike said "Where's the demon?"
The old man pointed to a door in the kitchen. "Basement," He said "I told a friend of mine at work about this creature in my basement and he put me in touch with a guy that gave me your number. I want to keep this off the books. If my daughter finds out I hired a demon exterminator she'll put me in a home. She's always trying to put me in a home."
"Kids," Spike said
"Got any?" The man asked
Spike shook his head. "No, thankfully, but I've known a few. They're more trouble than they're worth if you ask me." He said
"Well I love her." The man said "She just drives me nuts. She's living in Jersey, Jersey."
"Terrible," Spike commiserated
"It looks like a giant frog."
"Jersey?"
"No," The old man said, giving Spike an odd look "The demon,"
"Oh," Spike mentally berated himself for his idiocy. "Right, shouldn't take a moment."
Spike descended into the basement. He immediately recognized the breed. You had to bisect the heart to kill them, but the heart was in a pouch in their throat coated in a fat sac that made it difficult to get at. It did indeed look like a giant sleeping frog. This breed tended to hibernate underground while they grew, then wake up and eat everything in sight. Right now it was about the size of a Volkswagen beetle, but at full size it would be more like a semi. The thing would keep expanding until it pushed so hard against the floor of the house it broke through. Of course Spike didn't intend to let it live that long. Spike walked up to the sleeping demon and drew his sword. The demon didn't wake. Spike cut its throat, releasing huge clumps of yellow fat from beneath its thick green hide. A scaly eyelid opened. The creature opened its huge maw and drew in a deep breath. It exhaled, sending yellow spit against the far wall. Spike poked through the fat sac with his sword, trying to find the heart.
"Oh my God!" Spike whirled around. A woman with dark brown hair and darker brown eyes stood there in shock, her chocolate eyes as wide as dinner plates. "I thought those were native to South America! How did one get so far north?" Spike was taken aback.
"What?"
"I've heard of migration patterns bringing some to the south end of the country, but New York? Someone at the watchers council is not doing their job if I haven't heard about this."
"You're a slayer?" Spike asked
"I'm sorry, where are my manners? I'm Eileen, but everyone calls me Jersey. You should too, because I stab people who call me Eileen." She held out her hand.
Spike reached out to shake it. She was wearing a charm bracelet and one of the charms was a cross. Spike didn't realize this until it had already touched his skin. He quickly drew back his hand. "Ow," He shook his hand to dispel the pain.
Jersey's eyes widened again. "You're a vampire."
"Yeah, but I have a soul. I'm a crusader for good and all-there you are you nasty little bugger!" Spike spotted a shriveled pink mass that looked like a piece of dried fruit slip out of the demon along with a wave of fat. Spike swung his sword, cutting it neatly in half. "Sorry, where-"
Spike had to dive out of the way to avoid Jersey's stake. "I can't believe my dad let a vampire in the house. I mean he doesn't know they exist, but still."
"Are you bleeding mad?!" Spike shouted
"Um vampire slayer," Jersey pointed at herself. "Vampire," She pointed at Spike.
"I have a soul! I'm one of the good guys! You can look me up, I used to date your boss."
Jersey was visually taken aback by this. "I didn't know Mr. O'Hara was a-"
"Not-!" Spike sighed. "His boss, Buffy the vampire slayer."
"Ohhhh," Jersey said "That makes more sense. Not a whole lot more sense, but-"
"Just look me up." Spike said "Spike, William the- just look me up."
Jersey laughed. "You really think I'm going to let a vampire with a standing invitation into my father's home just walk out of here alive? You must be crazy."
Spike sighed again. He should charge extra for this. He pulled out his cell phone. "Crazy slayers trying to kill me, demon fat, not a good day." He muttered to himself as he dialed Buffy.
"Who are you calling?"
Spike ignored her, waiting for Buffy to answer. "Hello- oh hey Angel," Spike was visibly disappointed. "Can you put Buffy- Well how long is that going to take? Sixteen vamps and she didn't bring back up? So let them handle it and put her on the phone. It's an emergency. Yes a real emergency, one of her slayers wants to kill me. No! Angel I'll kick your bleeding-Buffy. It is important for your information. I need you to talk to one of your slayers." Spike held the phone out to Jersey, "It's for you." She hesitated. "Go on, take it."
"Hello," Jersey said "Wow, it's an hon- uh-huh. Oh I see. Okay. Got it. Nice to-" Jersey looked at the phone in her hand. "That was weird." She tossed it back to Spike.
"Right well, you can clean this up." Spike headed back upstairs.
The old man was waiting there. "I see you met my daughter." He said "Did you think of a good cover story for the demon?" The man asked
"She knows." Spike said "That'll be two hundred for the extermination." The old man pulled his wallet out and handed Spike the money. "Have a nice day-night-whatever." Spike headed back to Caritas. He was sick of slimy demons. He wanted a nice clean vampire to dust.
…
"How did the first look like you?" Dawn asked
Giles was sitting at a desk in the suite they'd gotten at a hotel for the duration of their stay in the big apple. Buffy was in the lobby downstairs waiting for Spike. Willow and Xander were acting as backup, staying out of sight, but watching the proceedings. Buffy hadn't thought she needed backup, but it couldn't hurt and she had yielded to that logic. Robin and Kennedy were playing Gin at the coffee table. Giles turned his chair to face Dawn. "I don't know."
She looked upset. "Doesn't it bother you? I mean can the first look like anyone now?"
Giles shook his head. "The first can only adopt the appearance of those who have died."
"Then what's going on?" Dawn asked
"Perhaps I had an accident as a child my parents never told me about where my heart briefly stopped. If I was young enough I wouldn't remember, and they would have no reason to tell me about something so traumatic." Giles rubbed his temple. "It doesn't really matter."
"If that's true, why didn't the first choose to look like you before?"
Giles shrugged. "Perhaps he wanted to save the look for a special occasion. It knew we didn't know it had access to my form, so he could surprise us with it. Angel probably thought he was actually talking to me. Anyone would have if they'd seen it. I myself was quite stunned."
"I can't imagine what it's like to have to look at that thing and see yourself."
Giles nodded. It had been… terrible. It had also been confusing and disheartening. It made his feel tainted somehow. "It probably did that to Wesley and his wife as well."
Dawn flinched. "It's weird, fighting them. I mean, they're our friends, sort of. Angel was always talking to them, they asked him and Buffy to be their baby's Godparents. Whenever she went to the doctor she sent Angel a sonogram. I thought that was adorable, that she did that…"
Giles looked at Dawn with sympathy. "I know this is hard for you. It's hard for everyone I'm sure. Nobody wants it to be like this, but if we don't stop the senior partners-"
Dawn finished for him. "It will all have been a waste." She wore her determination on her face. "I know. We have to stop them with any means necessary, even if that means…"
Giles nodded. "Any means necessary," He turned back to his paperwork. If Dawn had glanced at it she would have seen it was his medical file. He could find no reference to ever having been technically dead. Giles collected the papers and straightened the pile. It was a mystery, one he intended to solve. He had to know how the first had been able to do this.
Ten Months Ago
Spike was patrolling the industrial district looking for a vampire nest when he heard someone approaching him. This person was subtle, skilled. He turned around and caught a glimpse of Jersey. "What are you doing here?" Spike asked
She responded by pulling out a stake. Spike dodged her blow. "I looked you up like you said, William the Bloody. You're a monster, you've killed two of my ilk before."
Spike backed up as she closed in on him. "That was a long time ago."
"So what?" She asked "You killed Nikki Wood in this very city. Is that why you came back, to relive the glory days? Well this is one slayer you won't drink."
"You've got it all wrong pet." Spike said "I have a soul now, I'm one of the good guys."
"Yeah, and I'm Angeline Jolie."
"I can kind of see it." Spike said as he dodged another blow. "A little taller and a little skinnier and you'd be a dead ringer." He jumped onto a dumpster and then pulled himself onto a windowsill. He leapt from there to the roof of the building. Jersey wasn't far behind.
"Any last words monster?" Jersey asked
"Yeah," Spike kicked her in the face. She reeled back. "Piss off."
She regained her balance and attacked again. Spike barely managed to avoid the killing blow this time and got a stake rammed into his shoulder. "I read up on you, the things you've done. I don't care if you've changed, or who you know. You need to be punished."
Spike shoved Jersey. She lost her balance and almost toppled over the side of the building. Spike grabbed her neck, stopping her fall, but causing her immense discomfort. "Listen to me you little bitch." He said "I should kill you. You think I'd spare you because of some atonement or mercy garbage? Think again. I'm going to let you live, but if I ever see you in my city again I will kill you. I won't feel bad about it. Got it?" He tossed her onto the roof.
She got to her feet, rubbing her neck. They locked eyes. Jersey ran off.
…
Spike spotted Xander sitting discreetly in the corner with a suitcase in front of him, holding up a newspaper. That meant red was probably nearby as well. He headed for the couch across from the armchair Buffy was sitting in. "You don't trust me?"
"I just wanted to talk." She said in her best innocent voice
"I'm talking about Xander and Willow." He hoped Willow was there or he was going to look like a jackass. "What do you think I'm going to do?"
"You saw Willow? I'm impressed." Spike smirked. "They're just here to watch you."
"Why?" Spike asked
"You might give something away, let us know where they are."
"I don't know where they are." Spike said
"You've always had a weird attitude toward her, what are you in love with her?"
Spike was genuinely taken aback by the question. "With Fred?"
"Willow told me how desperate you were to save her, how sincere your concern was."
"She was nice to me." Spike said "I don't have to want to bang a woman to be interested in her well-being. I have a soul now you know." Spike thought of something. "It's how I feel about Dawn. I love her in a way, but I'm not in love with her."
Buffy was taken aback by the comparison, but she forged ahead. "So you would protect her?" She asked "If Fred asked you to, you would hide her and her husband."
"There's no love lost between me and him, he doesn't trust me." Spike wasn't sure if he could convince Buffy that he was telling the truth, but he was going to give it his best shot.
"But Fred does, right?"
"She's trusting by nature." Spike said
Buffy reached in her pocket. "Hey did you get one of these?" She held up the sonogram Fred had sent Angel, suddenly switching topics. Spike recognized the sonogram. Fred sent them to Caritas as often as she did to Angel, addressed to all four of them.
"Yeah,"
"Really?" Buffy looked kind of surprised. "Is she cute?"
"The baby?" Buffy nodded. "I guess, I mean it's just a sonogram."
"The actual baby," Buffy let her exasperation with his charade bleed into her voice. "I know they're at Caritas. It must be fun for you, putting up Angel, being his savior."
"Why?" Spike asked suspiciously "What do you mean?" Was it possible that Angel had told her about the senior partners' manipulations? Spike wouldn't have thought so.
"He's so used to being the hero, now he's just a mortal, and a fugitive."
Spike nodded, so that was it. Well it was true enough. "From you. How does that feel?"
Buffy frowned. To his surprise she answered with sincerity. "Bad William, it feels bad."
Spike was taken aback by her candor. "I'm sorry."
Sensing his vulnerability, Buffy went in for the kill. "Did you mean what you said about Dawn?" Spike nodded. He knew where this was going, but that didn't make him any less susceptible to it. "But you're willing to allow the apocalypse that will kill her to happen?"
"Buffy it isn't that simple."
"I didn't tell Angel what all the prophecy said, I didn't want to hurt him. I'll tell you though, if you want me to. I'll tell you what it says about her." Spike waited, his silence asking the question. "She that is born to those who have died but are dead no longer will be known when she kills the slayer who awakened all the potentials. When all the portents have come to pass the fate of the world is sealed, and only death may prevent the portents."
Spike couldn't move. The revelation was turning about in his mind. "She's just a baby."
"We were all once just children. We grew up, became other things."
"She's innocent."
"Every dictator, serial killer, and mass murderer was once an innocent child. Yet there are few who would not go back and snuff out their lives before they got a chance to commit those crimes if the option were available. It rarely is, but we have a chance here to stop all of this before it happens. We can stop the end of the world. We might not even have to hurt anybody. It could just be a simple spell. We might only have to kill one, or the ones already infected."
"I hated him." Spike said out of nowhere "I hated him because you loved him. But you're willing to murder his only child. You talk about it like doing laundry. If that's your love Buffy, I don't want it. I'm better off alone, or with someone I don't love, than I am with your love."
Buffy reacted as though she'd been slapped. She stood up and backed away. Her eyes hardened and chilled. Where was the Buffy he'd known? This wasn't her. "You're a fool."
Spike stood up. "Maybe, maybe I'm a fool. But I know the difference between right and wrong. I made wrong my religion for over a hundred years. This, this is what it is."
"You think you're better than me?" Buffy said "After everything you've done? You've committed more crimes against humanity than I can even comprehend. You've spent more time killing people than I've been alive. You murdered two slayers. You think you're better than me?"
"No," Spike said "I'm not better than you, but at least I know who I am."
Spike headed for the lobby doors. "I know who I am!" She called after him "I know what I am!" A few people turned to stare at her and she flushed. Spike stopped at the door and turned to look at her. Buffy looked at all the people in the lobby. She didn't care. "I'm the slayer."
Spike nodded. "Funny, I thought you were a slayer, a vampire slayer at that." He shrugged. "Guess I was wrong, see you around Buffy." He left, walking under the rain shelter to the parking garage, which had sewer access. She knew now, even if she hadn't before.
Nine Months Ago
"You understand what you're being accused of?" Buffy asked the computer monitor
"Yes," The sullen voice at the other end said. "I do."
"You went after an unauthorized target. We have only the unverified report of your superior, which isn't enough for a conviction without an account from the-"
"I did it." The pale dark-haired woman said. "I tried to kill the bloodsucker."
"Even though you knew he was an unauthorized target?" Buffy asked
"Yeah," Jersey said "I knew, I just didn't care. He deserved to die."
Buffy frowned. "I'm afraid you don't get to make those calls. We can't allow one of our slayers to operate outside the rules and guidelines set by the council." Buffy said
Jersey's hateful glare was beamed from her laptop to a satellite in outer space, back down to earth into Buffy's laptop. "I disagree with those rules and guidelines."
"That's not your call to make." Buffy said "We can't allow slayers to kill anybody they want to. Our job is so protect the innocent, not go on insane vengeance missions."
"Then I think you and I have incompatible goals."
"I suppose so." Buffy said "Understand that even if you leave the council you will still be expected to follow our rules in respect to the acceptability of targets. If you attack the innocent we'll have to take you down. We can't allow a rogue slayer to be meeting out vigil ante justice."
"I'll do what I have to do, and you do the same." Buffy's screen went dark when Jersey hung up. Buffy sighed, she hated this part of the job. Buffy lay out on the couch, thinking about the report she'd gotten. Why hadn't she heard about this from Spike? Why had he protected the girl who had tried to kill him? Didn't he realize this kind of break-down in ranks was toxic to the kind of discipline she was trying to install in her organization? She heard the door open.
"Guess who's making authentic an Italian pasta dish tonight?" Andrew asked
Buffy grinned. Well life wasn't all bad. Work might be stressful, but at least she never had to cook or clean her apartment. She kept promising Angel she'd get rid of Andrew, but it was such a sweet deal. His usefulness well outweighed his annoyingness. "You are?"
"Correctamundo!" Andrew shouted "That's Italian for correct."
…
Angel walked up to the apartment over Caritas. Harmony, Faith, Anne, Gunn, Lorne, and Teresa were all in the living room. Faith stood up the second Angel entered the room. "How is he?" Angel found her concern touching, it helped ease his foul mood.
"Sick, really sick. I…" Gunn got up to let Angel have his seat on the couch. Angel didn't bother to protest. He felt drained both emotionally and physically. "I can't believe this is real."
"I'm sorry Angel." Anne said
Angel shook his head. "How are Wes and Fred?"
"Asleep," Faith said
"And healing," Lorne added "I got a good read on their auras, they should be tip top in no time. Speaking of which, does anyone want to guess how Illyria is back."
"Not really," Angel said "But we should I guess."
"The first is behind it obviously." Gunn said
"Or the Hart." Angel said "She seemed pretty confident when we left her hell."
"I hate that bitch." Faith said
"The Hart or Illyria?" Gunn asked
"Both,"
Teresa spoke up. "Illyria is in pain."
"Oh gee, poor Illyria," Angel snapped "I guess I should really cut the murdering psychotic old one who shattered Wesley's ribs and tried to kill us a break."
"Hey now," Lorne said "Let's not start fighting amongst ourselves, there is enough of that going around. I think we all agree Illyria is a problem." Teresa stood up and left the room.
"If we kill her again will she stay dead this time?" Faith asked
"Easier said than done." Angel said "You didn't exactly send her running last time."
"I'm just asking." Faith said
Teresa walked up to Angel and held out a muffin. "You need a muffin."
"I don't need to be cheered up." Angel said "And if I did muffins wouldn't do the job."
"I'm not trying to cheer you up. You need energy. Your body will convert the calories in this muffin into energy which will allow your body to continue functioning."
Angel took the muffin from her claws. "Thanks," He bit into the blueberry muffin.
"I think we should avoid Illyria, not confront her." Gunn said "If she's even stronger than she was before there is no way we can take her. Does she have all her old powers?"
"I don't think so." Angel said "She didn't manipulate time. I think her powers were given to her by the Hart, not her old powers restored. I hope so anyway."
"Why?" Anne asked
"Because before Illyria lost much of her original power she was unstoppable. The only reason she didn't kill everything that crossed her path was because…" He let the sentence die.
"Because of Wesley," Gunn finished
"Was she in love with him?" Anne asked
"I don't know." Angel said "I think it was more complicated than that."
"Especially towards the end." Gunn said "When he died she was really upset."
"She loved him, but it's not like you're thinking." Teresa said
Angel remembered that back in L.A. Teresa had heard Illyria screaming and Illyria's memories had been forced into her head. It had driven the woman insane until Buffy shared her memory of paradise and allowed Teresa to overcome the insanity. Angel had sort of figured that meant she had forgotten what she'd seen. Apparently not. "Do you still remember her life?" If she did Teresa might be able to share one of Illyria's weaknesses.
"I remember everything, it's part of my physiology."
"Do you remember anything useful?"
"She's not Illyria anymore." Teresa said "She's something else now."
"What?"
"New," Faith realized "She's new."
"That's right." Teresa said "She has changed, become other than what she was."
"But what is that?" Angel asked "Details,"
"That's up to her." Teresa said "She has to decide."
"When you say she loved him but it's not what we think, what do you mean?" Faith said
"There are many different kinds of love. There is romantic love, the love between brothers and sister, the love between parents and their children, the love between friends, the love of convenience, the love of admiration; but all of these are rare. Most loves are unique, some combination of the above mixed with parts of the lovers' unique personalities. But Illyria isn't human, and her love is alien to humanity even though it is influenced by it."
"Are you talking about Fred?" Gunn asked "When her humanity was in Illyria?"
"In a way," Teresa said "People internalize things. When we adopt an idea we make it a part of who we are. People usually apply their ethics to their decision-making, people who love animals sometimes don't eat meat, teetotalers usually don't drink, and academics devote time to researching their fields. We become the things that we believe in. Illyria did love Wesley because Fred loved him, but that doesn't make it less real because she internalized that love."
"And now she wants to kill him." Angel said "That doesn't seem like love."
"Angelus loved Buffy." You could hear a pin drop in the room as everyone stared at the demonic hybrid who had said those damning words. Lorne's mouth was hanging open. He couldn't believe she had said that. It was so unlike her to be cruel.
Faith stepped in front of Teresa, towering over her. They were all aware of what the slayer was capable of. "You shut your mouth about things you know nothing about."
"I'm not trying to be hurtful." Teresa explained "I just need you to understand, because it's very important. You need to know how she feels."
"You're wrong." Angel finally summoned the strength to say "Angelus hated Buffy."
"Angelus is dead." Teresa said gently "You earned his death with your good works, you are free of him now. But still you remember what he was, and you know that I am-"
"I don't." Angel cut her off. "The memories have started to fade. I can barely remember my siring anymore. The years of torment are fading away. I don't have the good memory of a vampire anymore, I have a normal human memory, so things are fading."
"But you do remember Sunnydale." Teresa said "You understand how different creatures feel love. Love is not always good, pure, or healthy. It is rarely as simple as either being or not being those things. Illyria did love Wesley and although her love for him has never done him any good, it did have a humanizing effect on her. That can be seen as good or bad. She had humanity while she loved him, and if she still loves him, she stills has humanity."
"She doesn't." Faith said "She tried to kill him."
"That's what I'm trying to tell you." Teresa didn't sound exasperated, she sounded like a patient schoolmarm explaining a difficult concept. "That doesn't mean she doesn't love him. She could love him in a similar way to how Angelus loved Buffy, or how you loved her once."
Faith slapped Teresa. "Hey!" Lorne grabbed the slayer's hand and she easily shook it off.
"Shut. Up."
"I'm sorry." Teresa said "I'm really not trying to-"
"Maybe we should go downstairs." Gunn said
"That's a good idea." Said Anne
Angel, Faith, Gunn, and Anne headed to the stairs. "Are you coming Lorne?" Gunn asked
"Please go," Teresa said "They need you."
Lorne hesitated, but followed his friends. "What about me?" Harmony asked when they left "Don't they need me?"
"Yes," Said Teresa "But I need you more."
"Really?!" Harmony sounded excited "Thanks!" Harm sat on the couch next to Teresa.
"Of course I need you." Teresa said "You're my best friend."
"Really?" Harmony asked again
"Except for Lorne, and popular culture says your boyfriend and best friend can't be the same person, so that makes you my best friend." Teresa told her
"You're my best friend too." Harmony said
"I know." Teresa sighed "I didn't want to hurt them. I knew that it would. I knew that what I was trying to do, trying to make happen, might not even work. It probably won't work, but I had to try for that slim chance." Teresa said
"Because it might work?" Harmony asked
"I wish that were true. I wish I could lie to myself. But it was just…" She laughed, a resigned, bitter laugh. "I wanted to see if I could, if I had the power to manipulate fate."
"Do you?" Harmony asked
"To an extent." Teresa said
"What were you trying to do?" Harmony asked
"Save Illyria," Teresa explained "Save… But the future is confusing."
"What do you see?" Harmony asked
"There are so many different paths and variables constantly shifting. But there is one moment I see with perfect clarity. I see all the possible outcomes. I see the best possible outcome. I can save them, a little bit, for a little while."
"Will you?"
"Yes, that's why she chose me."
"Cordelia?"
Teresa seemed to lose interest in the conversation. "Let's play cards."
Ten Months Ago
Teresa screamed. She sat up in bed, crying out in terror. Lorne was roused from his sleep and grabbed her shoulders. "Teresa!" He shook her. "What is it?" She was trembling like a leaf.
"I-" She got out of bed and headed for the bedroom door. "Nothing,"
"That wasn't nothing." Lorne said "That was Terror. You're aura is flashing bright red."
"It was just a nightmare, about something I once saw."
Teresa left the room, heading for the entryway to the apartment. 'Wait," Lorne said
"I need to go downstairs for a minute." Teresa said "Be right back," She headed down to the empty bar in her PJs. It was so late it was almost early, dawn was approaching. That's why it wasn't strange that Spike returned at that moment. He came through the front and headed straight for the bar to pour himself a drink. "Hey," She said
"I don't usually see you up this late, unless you're up early."
She shook her head. "I had a bad dream."
"Me too," Spike said "Only it was real."
"Tell me." Teresa said
"Rogue slayer tried to kill me, not a fun time." Spike said "But I'm…"
"You're…"
"I'm not like him." Spike said without further elaboration.
She didn't need it. "You shouldn't be."
"I feel like everyone expects me to be. I'm supposed to take over for him or something. I don't want that. I don't want to be anything like Angel, and I don't want to atone for my sins. I don't feel like I should feel guilty, and I don't. I didn't have a soul when I did the things I did before. When I got my soul I chose to do the right thing, not wander for a century until I met some hot chick to break my out of my slump. I'm not Angel. But I'm not who I was before either. I'm not a man, not really a vampire. I'm just…"
"You're you, you're whoever you want to be." Teresa said "You get to decide."
"Yeah," Spike knocked back a drink. "You want one?"
"No I'm going back to bed." Teresa said
"What about you?"
"What about me?" Teresa asked
"What was your dream?"
"People were scared and dying." Teresa said "Good night Spike." She headed upstairs.
"Night,"
