A/N: Thanks again to those who gave me feedback, thanks for reading and enjoy!
When Jasper calls me on the drive I make each month to retrieve my children from Alice, I have to make my voice work again.
"Hey Bells." He says into the phone and chills rush through my body. Its been about two years since I last had a call from him, two weeks since his last postcard that said he was somewhere near Florida, across the country from me.
"Jasper." I breath and he laughs unprompted.
"God, just your voice gives me shivers Bella. Do you know that? That after all this time just hearing your voice gets me hot?" Jasper says and I bite my lip.
"How are you Jasper?" I say politely, instead of giving into his last comment, it would no doubt reveal that I felt similarly affected by his voice.
"I've been really good. I miss you. I want to see you." He says bluntly. Time on his own has given Jasper a stronger voice, a more matter of fact way to him that I don't find entirely unappealing. I mentally scold myself. I am mother, I am married, I am not the same girl Jasper knew.
"Jasper I can't really talk about this right now. I am picking up my kids." I tell him as I pull into the long driveway to Alice's house.
"From Alice? You know she used to send me pictures of the kids. Every once in a while. I suppose her drinking has gotten bad, cause haven't gotten any pictures in about five years." Jasper tells me and I clench my teeth. I don't want Jasper knowing what my children look like, I don't want Jasper knowing anything about them and I want to be angry at Alice for going behind my back and doing a thing like that, but a little part of me deep down is a little thrilled by the idea of Jasper desperately searching the faces of my children for resemblance to both him and I.
"She shouldn't have done that." I say tonelessly.
"Its Alice, you really should expect her betrayals by now. After all the fucked up shit she put you through, I am surprised you trust your children with her. I wouldn't let her near my son for anything if I had a say." Jasper says.
"You don't! You don't have a say. And you talk about Alice like she is scum but who sends you pictures and keeps you updated on my kids?" I seethe into the phone. He laughs again. This is what he was hoping for, to get a rise out of me.
"If it wasn't Alice, it would have been Rosalie. They have a sense of loyalty to me, if nothing else. I never asked for anything Bella, the least you could do was send me pictures of my son." Jasper says softly.
"You don't have a right to even that Jasper. Edward is Larkin's father. You having a few pictures of him will never change that!" I tell him, my breathing becoming erratic.
"Your daughter is beautiful too. She looks just like you. I see a little bit of Edward in her, but she is mostly you. How does he feel about his son not being his? Does he hate you for it? Or do you two still pretend that everything is perfect between you two?" Jasper asks, and his voice sounds light and cheerful, like he isn't spewing venom.
"I am hanging up now Jasper, my children are coming." I say and he sighs just before I end the call.
I think about that call through the week as I prepare meals and run errands and clean and do all the mundane things a mother is required to do. I think about Jasper. I wonder if he is still as handsome as I remember. Edward has, if anything, gotten better looking with age. A blessing to him, a curse to me. Women half his age clamor for his attention, and I am sure he has no qualms about giving it to them. Years ago I heard the rumor that he got a woman pregnant and I was on the cusp of leaving him. I knew how hypocritical I was being but it was not an idea I could stand.
He came to me later to tell me the truth. He would not be getting anyone pregnant. He had gotten himself sterilized for that reason. A truth that should have made me feel better, only served to hurt me more. I wanted more children, did he even care about that? He never even discussed the possibility of this procedure with me, let alone let me know he was having it.
"It had to be done Bella." He told me, as if that was all the explaining I needed. As if that admittance didn't break my heart and crush my dreams of expanding my family.
I wish, not for the first time that I had someone to talk to about things. I would never burden my children with all that weighs me down, even though they are aware to some extent.
My mind settles back on Jasper as I finally have a moment to myself. I remember the last night I spent with him, which isn't as far in the past as I wish it was. It was the last time I saw him, almost thirteen years ago. It was before Edward told me about his procedure. It was before I knew the extent of Edward's betrayal. It was another moment of weakness that Jasper exploited as always. He showed up out of nowhere but somehow at the exact moment I needed him.
I knew Edward was cheating on me occasionally but I willed myself to forgive and forget as he seemed to forgive and forget everyday when he treated my son as his own. But I was lonely. Edward was off forming a new branch of his business and I was alone with two small children and no one to talk to. I would have killed for someone to just talk with me.
It seemed like a different life, all those years I lived alone before I met Edward and the group. I was comfortable in my solitude, it was all I knew but I did crave company, I was starved for it and I didn't even know it until I had it. Idly, I wondered where all my supposed friends were now that I needed someone. It's not that there was this serious issue I needed to talk over, I just needed to talk. About nothing, about anything, about life, I just wanted the process, the comfort of sharing with another human being. Edward simply did not have the time for me.
So in the midst of my bout of loneliness, Jasper appears on my doorstep. He looks travel weary and I let him in having already settled the children to bed, the pair having been particularly bratty that day. He sits with me like we had hundreds of times before when we lived together and I let myself imagine that he is my husband for a moment. As we talk I let myself think that he is the one I chose and we are both talking after a long day away from each other.
I know it's a foolish thing to imagine but I don't see the harm in it at the time. Hours pass and when we inevitably make love on the floor of my family room, it's a relief. I feel desired still. I feel valued, but mostly I feel vindicated. Edward isn't the only one with secrets.
"Your always going to be the only one for me Bella." Jasper whispers to me as we lay tangled on the carpet our bodies coated in sweat and hearts pounding. I remember the times in the past that Jasper and I made love, too many times to count. What is one more time? I let his words stroke my ego. I like to think that Jasper never fucks another woman if he cannot have me. I like to think someone wants me as desperately as I wanted Edward once.
"We could leave together. You and I could be happy. The kids too. I would give them and you anything, everything you could ever need, could ever want. We could travel the world, see everything you always dreamed of seeing. I would love you with everything I have." Jasper says softly and a chill starts in my stomach and makes me feel heavy and a little sick.
"I could never leave Edward, Jasper. He is my husband. Whatever this is, I am not leaving him for it." I say a little more harshly than I intended to.
My words are strong enough to keep Jasper away all this time, but I knew he couldn't keep away forever.
