Lilly's POV once again, Enjoy.
*Lilly*
Corey rattles on again in the car but I stop ignoring her when she mentions Caleb.
"What now?" I ask and she repeats herself.
"I said whatever happened with you and Caleb? I thought you two were going to be a thing, then you cant even look at him." Corey says shooting me a sidelong glance.
"Oh god, I cannot get into that right now. Its not that great of a story anyway." I tell her, not wanting to talk to her about Caleb just now.
"I understand. I just wondered is all." She says softly and I feel like I've said the absolute wrong thing.
"Okay Corey, I will tell you. But please don't mention this to anyone else, our secret okay?" I say and her smile is bright and happy that she has earned my trust.
The story is boring. I wish it were more exciting. I wish something worthy happened. But it all comes down to me freaking out and since then I haven't quite been myself.
Caleb was my first high school crush, when I saw him the first day of school this year I wanted to know him. I pinned after him and then I met Kelsey through Corey and thus joined their little pack granting me close access to Caleb. Caleb and I got along from the start and almost immediately started flirting.
We went out for months, never really making a big show of us but growing closer.
Then one night he wanted to have sex and to be honest, I did too. Now we had done plenty together. Actually almost everything except for actual sex. We were at the beach on a blanket and when things progressed I almost let it happen. But something in me froze. We were both naked, ready and I suddenly shoved him away in panic.
"Hey, its okay. We'll go slow. Is it your first time?" He asked in his patient ever soft voice. It would be easier if I could say, yes. Yes its my first time and I am scared. But that wasn't it at all. I was scared, yes, but not for that reason.
"I just can't. Please stop." I say suddenly tugging my clothes on as fast as I can. I feel frenzied now. Why does it feel like I can't breath right?
"Okay. Its fine. We don't have to if your not ready. Just calm down okay?" He says trying to take my arm and I jerk away violently.
"Don't touch me." I bark at him and he looks at me wounded.
"Tell me why your upset. I'm not forcing you to do anything. I won't touch you if you don't want it." He says calmly. I shake my head more at myself then him. I want the images I have burned there to go away. I want to be normal. I want to feel at ease sitting with the boy I like on the beach. I want this constant ache I have in the pit of my stomach to go away.
"Is this to do with the cuts you have on your thighs?" He asks softly and I just shake my head hysterically. I am crying but I don't remember starting to cry but suddenly I am crying so hard I cant even take in breath. But every time Caleb gets close I shove him away.
I don't know why I am acting this way. I've always been able to push it down, to keep the lives separate, but somehow they have come spilling out all over the place here and now.
"Look Lilly, I am trying to understand you here. But you have to help me." He pleads.
"I just want to go home." I sob and he looks at me, so confused, so concerned that I wish I could tell him. I wish I could get past it with him.
"Okay, lets get you home." He says and finishes pulling on the rest of his clothes.
The drive to my house is silent as I calm myself enough to stop crying. I don't say anything to him when I get home and I don't say anything to him for a long while after that.
I don't look at him cause his crushed look only makes me feel more crushed. I'm embarrassed. I am ashamed that I wasn't whole enough for him. I cut myself, he knew as much but what must he think about my freakout? Everyday I pray that he hasn't spoken of what happened between us, but somehow the idea that I am a frigid virgin is spread and I immediately think it was Caleb.
One day after being taunted, I confront him.
"That was really fucking great of you to tell people that I am a stuck-up virgin." I say to him as he makes to leave the beach house. It has been a month since out incident.
"I never said a word against you Lilly. You won't speak to me, so I don't know what your thinking but I never said a bad thing about you." He said gently and turned to get into his car.
Since then we have a silence between us. We respond to simple questions and make small talk on rare occasions but we never have conversations like we used to, and we never are alone together.
"So you didn't want to fuck him? And he got mad?" Corey says and I shake my head. I didn't give her all the details, but enough and just as I thought she would, she misunderstands.
"No, I just didn't want to have sex with him and I acted like a child and-never mind." I say as we pull up to my drive way.
"Okay, see you tomorrow." Corey says with a smile.
"Thank god she doesn't understand a word of what I was telling her." I say to no one as I make my way inside.
I muse on how much I have changed since that night with Caleb. I behave in a way I didn't before. I do it to prove that I am fine. That there is nothing wrong with me. I have let guys touch me since, I touch them too. I sucked off my English teacher after school once, I thought he was hot and saw him looking at me too closely. I felt that heat surge through me. If I did this, I was in control. It wasn't being done to me. I don't go to English class anymore and still have an A+.
I do things like this all the time now, it makes me feel strong, it makes me feel like I own me.
Larkin knows most of what I do. He understands. He has his own means of relief and escape, I don't judge. How can I? I'm just as bad, maybe worse.
