Day 154.
"Dad, we can't just sit here and wait. You must take a decision."
Derek sat down beside George and Nora on a bench in the hospital garden, while the younger kids were in Casey's room to keep her company. Deep the fact that it was almost summertime, dark grey clouds covered the sky, completely hiding the sun, and the smell of rain was in the air as a damp, cool wind was blowing from the north.
George felt as if someone was slowly driving a knife into an already open wound. The whole night before that day had been sleepless for him, to the point where he just ended up lying wide awake in bed with Nora, the two of them going through old family photo albums until the break of dawn. He simply couldn't keep himself from thinking how painfully absurd their lives had slowly become over the past few months. His wife had been nothing but an emotional wreck ever since her daughter's diagnosis and he could tell she was beginning to cope with all the growing sadness within her by slowly withdrawing from the real world, as he had caught her spacing out in a daze plenty of times, lately. Deep down he knew she would only be lost in her memories from when Casey was her perfect teenage daughter still living in the same house with them, back when their world hadn't got turned upside down yet.
"Son…" George sighed out in despair, his breathing heavy and deep. "You can't ask me this... It's my baby girl we're talking about… she's only ten… it just can't be…" he burst into tears as Nora put a reassuring arm around his shoulders.
"Don't you think it pains me too to think she might have to go through that?" Derek stood up, visibly in rage as he felt himself break down once more, his skin getting flushed. "It kills me. It stabs me in my heart. 'Cause right now I just got to the point where I simply can't take all this suffering anymore. But Dad, if she doesn't do this, Casey will…"
"What if there are complications? What if Marti ends up getting some sort of infection? It's a fucking needle going up into her sternum…"
"Dad! Please, you have to sign that form , I need Casey to…"
"Der…" George sternly cut him off. "Even if she did get the transplant, she could still end up leaving you anywa…"
"Fuck you!" Derek suddenly yelled out at the top of his lungs as his hand nervously ran through his messy hair. "Just fuck you! You just can't help it, uh? Ever since day one, you just… never believed in us, never believed me and Casey were actually meant to be. You never… ever had faith. Well, Dad, I do. I am positive when I tell you she just won't leave me. What we have it's a once in an billion years kind of thing, the world just can't let go of it that easily. It just… she's bound to come back to me, you know. And if you just hadn't gone and held me back for almost three years, I would've just proved you from the very beginning how… man, Dad, sometimes I think I still hate you for that."
"Son…" George began, as he walked up to him from behind. "What are you doing?"
Derek immediately jerked his head away from where he had been staring at for almost ten minutes straight as he was shaken out of his thoughts by his father's words. "Nothing, Dad. It's a stupid wedding, I'm just getting so damn bored…"
"It's MY stupid wedding. Mine and that girl's mother's too. You should know what this means…" He threateningly breathed out.
"What, now I can't even look at her? You'll have to rip my eyes out then…"
"Derek! From this day on, she's officially your sister…"
"STEP-sister…"
"Ok, you keep thinking about her and I swear I'll send you off to some military boarding school…"
"Give me the form Derek. And I just hope you're right."
Day 163.
Ever since they had finally settled the date of the transplant, Casey had been immediately got started with several sessions of radiotherapy, that were meant to destroy almost all her white cells in her blood, in order to make room for the new ones that were supposed to form following the engraftment of the bone marrow.
During the few days prior to it, since her immune system was being completely shut down, she had to be confined in a sterilized intensive care room, where only medical staff was authorized to get in, as even the slightest infection could've been fatal to her.
Her family could only do as much as stand in front of a window that was placed on the wall beside her bed to just look at her, and let her hear their voices by speaking through an intercom. They had convinced her Lizzie was going to be the donor and they weren't planning to tell her the truth until afterwards.
It was the day before the transplant, and the whole family was helping Marti settle down in her own hospital room for the night, leaving Derek alone with his thoughts as he watched Casey being fast asleep through the window glass.
"Smerek…" she took his hand, as he was walking down the corridor.
Derek turned around to give her a weak smile. "Hey Smarti…" he kneeled down so that their faces were on the same level. He was beyond tired, his bloodshot eyes staring lifelessly at her as the little girl cheerfully pinched his cheeks. "I know you're sad you couldn't be the one to save Casey, but …"
"Smarti, it's not that I wanted it to necessarily be me. I just didn't want it to be you. You're still… too small to face… these kinds of things…"
"No! Don't cry…" she pouted as she reached out to wipe the tears that were straining his cheeks. "It's ok, Smerek! I want to! I want to help! Please… you always save me… Now it's my turn to save you."
He stifled a small laugh as he ruffled her hair affectionately. "I wish I was the one that needed to be saved. Unfortunately, it's Case…"
"No." she promptly cut him off. "It is you."
Casey had just woken up, although it was the middle of the night. Living in an intensive care room was almost like living in an aquarium. She felt like a dormant little fish, floating on space, weightless, no clear sounds to be heard around her as the contours of reality were beginning to fade out gently. She wondered if that was what passing away would've been like. Simply floating away from the life she knew.
Everything pained her as she could feel her whole skin burn due to the radiation therapy treatments she'd been getting. Deep down, as she laid alone in her bed, she could feel herself secretly hoping for all the suffering to be over soon. All the things she thought she had yet to do just seemed so distant now, almost as if they were lost memories from a dream. Graduating from college, starting her own family, having kids… nothing more than mere fractals of hope she had already left behind.
For the very first time in her whole life, thinking of Derek only brought her sadness, recalling how hard he had always fought to keep her there with him instead of simply letting her be and just run free with the eagles on the Rocky Mountains. But at the same time, even though all her other emotions had finally dissolved into dullness, she couldn't deny that she loved him now more than ever. So much it ached. The only thing to be still alive in her soul.
A dormant little fish, floating through the calm waters of time.
"Case…" she suddenly heard his voice echoing throughout the room as he was speaking through the intercom. "Hey baby… I… I guess I just wanted to talk to you, but I ain't really got that much to say though."
The sound of his words made her realize how much she would've missed his voice. She wasn't scared to leave anymore, but she knew saying goodbye to Derek would've been a harder farewell than she'd ever imagined. She felt that she was only afraid of not being there for all the times he would've still needed her. She just wanted him to never be lonely. She had come to terms with slowly growing numb until she could finally leap to the endless blue sky right above the Grand Lake, but still knew the feeling of Derek's touch on her skin was going haunt her forever. At that moment, Casey found herself not willing to ever let go of him once again.
"I know you're scared, Case …it's gonna be ok, though, I know that for sure. I…" his voice was beginning to crack as she could tell he was having a break down.
"I know you've only been in there for five days, but… I miss talking to you, Case. I miss it like crazy. I feel like I'm barely keeping it together anymore.
And I know you did all of this for me… I never brought this up before, but… I know you didn't want to get treatment at first. Nora told me. And I'm… totally aware of the fact that it was so fucking selfish of me… to watch you go through all of this crap just because I… I'm sorry for still thinking it was the right thing for you.
Right now I just hate myself for putting the love of my life through so much pain, but I still can't bear even just the thought of losing her. You know, she's the most perfect human being in the world. And here we go with the cheesiness again, but… I've always thought we were meant to show everybody… to show the world we were living proof people can manage to always find their way to be together in the end. And I know I just wasn't wrong about that. I've never been whenever it came to you, Case. Hey, remember that song we used to…"
She could hear him pause for a few seconds as he was trying to find it in himself to start humming the old tune once more.
"Now I know it's true, my every road leads to you
And in the hour of darkness, your light just gets me through
You run like a river, you shine like the sun
You fly like an eagle, yeah you are the one…
Cause I can't stand the distance, I can't dream alone…
I can't wait to see you…"
Lying back into the pillow, Casey slowly turned her head to the one side mirror glass of the window that was placed on the wall on her left. Deeply staring into her reflection, as she imagined him standing right behind it, she weakly lifted her arm from the bed, as if she was trying to reach out to touch him.
She heard Derek sigh, trying to compose himself. "Don't worry, Case, I'm here all the time, even if you can't see me. I'll just keep standing right here"
As she silently began to sob, she tried her best to mouth her words as clearly as possible. "So will I…"
Day 164.
"Baby, it's gonna be alright. Just breathe into the mask, this won't last long". George affectionately stroked his daughter's hair as the anesthetic was beginning to get to her, as he tried really hard to hold back the tears.
"Daddy" he saw the little girl mutter a few other words after that before she drifted to a deep sleep.
Derek was looking at them through the glass on the door to the operating room. "I love you, Smarti." It was the last thing he mouthed to her as he noticed her eyes were staring at him before finally falling shut.
Day 175.
"Her blood count is clearly showing that engraftment was achieved successfully, Derek. We're moving her out of intensive care in a few hours."
"I knew we were gonna make it!" Marti cheered happily as she jumped into her brother's arms. "Smerek, see? I saved her for you."
A.N.= Alright, guys sorry it took me longer than usual to update, but I had to ask my mom (she's a doctor) how the whole preparation for the transplant was like on the recipient and trying to translate it in English was really hard for me. Plus this is what they do here in Italy, I'm not sure they use Total Body Irradiation in Canada too and I'm definitely not sure whether American intensive care units are anything like the ones we have here, where the patients can't see through the room's window and stuff. But anyways I hope the main idea of the whole thing kind of got to you anyway. Keep reviewing guys, I love you so much for still reading and liking this story. 3
Chpt 11 will be up soon, as I'm planning to write from 3 to 4 other chapters before putting an end to this.
Love you guys and ur awesome support.
