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After checking in on my baby girl who of course was already asleep when I got home, I'm now drying off about to slip on some comfy pjs. No reason to sleep all sexy anymore. The apartment is so quiet now without Arizona and Sofia. Even Mark. I'd give anything for one of his infamous unannounced barge ins. I make sure my alarms is set for tomorrow and peel back the covers. Despite me sleeping alone I find myself on my usual side of the bed. I've tried spreading out, it just doesn't feel right. That's still Arizona's side even though she hasn't slept on it in a few months. I'm just about to work myself up for another sleepless night, alcohol not quite knocking me out like I had hoped when my text tone goes off. Mom instincts kicking in and I'm thinking it's my baby I calm down a little when I see that it's not Arizona but an unknown number. I have half a mind to delete it unread because it's probably one of those 'we fix junk cars' messages. I don't know how those people get your number, it's maddening. Curiosity gets the best of me and I open it.
Just for the record, I wasn't saying you looked bad, okay I was, but even though you looked rough, you were still beautiful.
Aww it's Savvy. She was thinking about me. I'm not sure what to say back though because she did say I looked rough, but she thinks I'm beautiful and I'm a little flattered. I decide to play with her a little.
I'm sorry, who is this? -C (real mature, I know.)
Oh so more than one person said you looked bad today? That should tell you something.
I can't help but roll my eyes at her. For two whole seconds I was happy she text me. You are such an ass-wipe. Anyone ever told you that? -C
Maybe once or twice ;)
Smh. Did you make it back home yet? -C
Yea. Just now.. I hate that I have to work tomorrow.
I know how you feel, but there'll always be sick people for me to fix and bad guys for you to catch. -C
We should quit.
Lol. You wouldn't survive without it... Neither would I. Anyway, we should get some rest. -C
I haven't even gotten to why I text'd you.
I thought it was to insult me.? -C
Yea, but after that I was gonna see if you wanted to hook up some time later in the week. Tonight was, something, and you seem like you can use a friend. Just so happens I'm a great friend. We could have, lunch or something.
Tonight was something, and a friend definitely couldn't hurt. I'll have to see what days I have Sofia this week and I'll let you know. -C
Okay. Just hit me up.. Night Doc.
I set my phone back down on the night stand and get comfortable. I start to think what it is about Savvy that draws me to her. It's easy with her. I feel like we knew each other in a previous life or something. Or maybe it's just her newness. I always did love meeting new people. Whatever it is I am glad I met her and I can see myself making a good friend out of her. Sleep overtakes me and I gladly succumb to it immediately.
Morning comes too soon as always and before I know it I'm at work.
"Wilson, can you tell me why Mr. Johnson's chart hasn't been updated since yesterday?" Wilson is about the only interns name I know and that's only because she's interested in Ortho. Well she hasn't completely decided but it's between Peds and Ortho.
"I'm sorry Dr. Torres there was an emergent Peds case that Dr. Kare-"
"I don't care about your excuses Wilson. Did you convince Mrs. Herrera in room 222 to let me operate? That it is no longer optional but now mandatory if she wishes to have any function in her wrist?"
"She's still on the fence about it. She's scared and her-"
Not what I wanted to hear, "Look Wilson, I like you, and I'm happy you're interested in Ortho but if you can't get a patient to agree to a simple fusion then how do you expect to make it when the more difficult cases come in? If you're not serious about working with-"
"No Dr. Torres I am very serious about working with you in Ortho. I will be more focused and I will handle Mrs. Herrera and get you an updated version of Mr. Johnson's chart right away."
"Go."
Ughh, today is gonna drag on forever, I can feel it. It's a slow day in the pit which I'm currently overseeing- more like hiding out in- and I'm tempted to scream 'It's a slow day' just to get an incoming trauma through those doors. I don't need a slow day, I need a truck load of patients. That way I don't have time to think. I need something to preoccupy my mind at all times so I don't have time think about my slut of a wife. I'm just retaking my seat when I feel my phone vibrate in my lab coat.
Callie, I would really like to talk to you today. Like really sit down and have a conversation and not about who is picking Sofia up. I know you said you needed time but it's been two months Callie. I miss you, and I want to come home. I need for you to tell me what it's gonna take to make that happen. We can talk here or when I bring Sofia by tonight it doesn't matter but we are gonna talk today okay? -Arizona
This is why I needed time. How dare she put a cap on how much time I get to process this, and how dare she demand that I talk to her? Most importantly how dare she say she miss me. Fucking lie. But I have had a little time to cool off so I don't tell her all the ways she can go screw herself, I just think it.
Fine, Arizona. But not here, later.-C I don't know how she thinks this talk is gonna go but her feelings are gonna be hurt if she thinks she can just throw some words at me and everything will be fine.
I wish I had more friends here. I never really realized how boring it is when it's slow and your patients won't let you operate on them. Mark was always there bothering me since he never had anything to do I don't care how much he said he had patients and better things to do, I would look and he was always there. I miss that. I think about my new friend from last night. Would it be weird if I text'd her? She text'd me last night and it wasn't weird. Maybe I should wait until she texts me first again. I put my phone back in my lab coat pocket and grab the People magazine that is laying on the desk and kick my feet up. Turns out everything is the same as it was the first two times I flipped through it. I cave and pull my phone back out.
I hope you're day is a sucky as mine is so far. -C Okay so it's not like I really had anything to talk about but I'm bored. I don't have to wait long before I get a reply.
Good Morning to you too. And it depends, how's your day going.? -S
Slow. You're not supposed to say that in the ER but I don't think texting it counts. It would be better if I was actually working. And then Arizona is demanding that I talk to her and I don't want to so I find myself hiding out in the slow boring ER willing an emergency to happen. Tell me you're stuck at a desk as miserable as me.
Sorry to disappoint you but I'm not stuck at a desk and miserable. I'm out, chasing bad guys, kicking down doors, jumping over fences, knocking bitches out the way, you know, regular detective stuff. -S (She's such a liar.)
Fascinating -.- .. How are you able to text if you're out doing all that stuff? -C
I stopped for coffee and a snack FYI. -S
Sure you did. Where did you stop? Dunkin Donuts? -C
You know what I don't have to put up with you and your stereotypes early this morning. That's why you don't have any patients :p
You think it's funny that I don't have any patients while I'm over here wishing for a catastrophe to happen outside these doors just so I have something to do. Sad, I know, and mean, but it's true. Actually I'll take anything right about now. A broken pinky toe it doesn't matter. And you better stop teasing me before I hope you fall off one of those quote on quote fences you jumping over and hurt you leg just so I have something to fix. -C
...why are we friends again? -S
Because I'm hot, and you can never have too many drinking buddies :) -C
So you can go from hobo to hot overnight? Miracle. I'd sure like to see that.
Lol she get's on my nerves! I guess I set myself up for that one. I check to make sure no one is around or looking at me while I snap a picture of me sitting at the nurses station with a big smile. Hobo my ass, I look hot even from the chest up. I send Savvy the picture and wait for a reply while I go on Instagram.
Who is that? Sister? -S
You are such a douche, why would I send you a picture of my sister. It's me moron. -C
How'd you do that? Mac? Covergirl? I gotta learn how to use make up. That stuff does wonders! -S
I am so glad I'm not insecure about my looks. Is it really that hard for you to say something nice to me? -C
I'd rather have a root canal. -S
You make me sick you know that? -C
Then I can die satisfied :) -S
Just then the phone at the nurses station starts ringing. "Go for Grey-Sloan Emergency... Yeah sure.. ETA?.. Okay thanks." Finally! A trauma. I realize how I must sound but I've had weirder thoughts.
Someone must have heard my prayers. Sent me a couple motorcycle daredevils trying to get into the Guinness Book of World Records. Idiots, gotta love them. You finish casing Dunkin Donuts while I go do actual work ;) .. Ttyl! -C
I put my phone back in my lab coat to be found at a later time and grab a few interns and trauma gowns and head outside to wait for the rigs. Thankfully these guys are over 21 so I won't have to work with Arizona.
"What do we got?" I ask as soon as the first rig opens it's back doors.
"29 year old male. Motorcycle accident, if you can call it that, crushed ribs, shortness of breath to which I suspect one of his ribs has punctured his lung. Possible head injury since he was disoriented at the scene." Paramedic Nicole says as she hands me the patients chart which I hand over to Grumpy and tell her to page Yang and then they're off.
The second guy in the next rig was in worse shape than his buddy so I take this one. After viewing his x-rays and trying to contact his family we're off to the OR. His surgery takes up a good chunk of my day but he should recover nicely and live another day to do another stupid and dangerous stunt. I sit and wait in his room until he wakes up because I just have to know if they actually broke a world record and what it was but he doesn't wake up right away and soon it's quitting time and I have to be home for when Arizona brings Sofia.
Maybe an hour passes after I get home before there was a knock on the front door. I was expecting her so I don't know why my stomach wants to start acting up but it does. Taking a second to try to prepare myself I open the door to reveal my daughter and her other mother. "Hey Little Miss," I greet my daughter as I stoop down to pick her up. I know she is fully capable of walking but I like to carry her sometimes. "Mommy missed you so much you know that?"" It's a little past her bedtime so it's no surprise to see her eyes start to droop as she lays her head on my shoulder. I have yet to acknowledge Arizona but when I carry Sofia away from the living room to her room to put her down she invites herself in and I find her sitting on the couch when I return from Sofia's room. I lean against the wall opposite the couch and we just look at each other. I haven't been able to look at her without envisioning myself murdering her but looking at her now I don't have the urge to snap her neck. I just feel... sad. Sad because I feel like I've failed another marriage. Sad because I don't know how we can go on from here. The silence must have started to get to her because she breaks our staring contest and scoots over on the couch, signalling me to join her. I don't though. I just keep post against the wall and wait for her to start talking since this was her idea.
With a heavy sigh when she sees that I don't want to be close to her she opens her mouth and closes it a few times before actual words come out. "Callie.." but she doesn't get to say more before I cut her off.
"Just tell me why Arizona. Was I not fulfilling your needs in the bedroom? Was that it? I wasn't satisfying you so you had to go get it from someone else? Do you find her more attractive than me?" Arizona tries to say something, but I hold up my hand, silencing her. "You can't want to be with her since you're trying so hard to hold on to this farce of a marriage so, I need to know why? Unless you're just that big of a slut you did it just because she was offering.." Now she's silent. "Speak!" I try to keep my voice down so I don't wake Sofia.
"I don't know why Callie!" She says in a rushed voice. "I know that it's a weak and pathetic excuse but I don't know what I was thinking. No I don't find her more attractive than you. No one is. No one can hold a flame to you Calliope. You are all I want and need. I was just.. weak." Her voice starts to waiver when she calls herself weak and I can almost understand that. Almost. "I know it's not an answer but that's the only way I can explain it. I was weak. I am weak. I'm weak now. This isn't me Callie. I don't know who I am anymore. You know I love you too much to hurt you like that intentionall-"
"I don't know nothing Arizona! I don't know that you love me as much as you claim because you're only now saying it, and you sure as hell haven't showed it. You say you love me to much to hurt me like that but that's exactly what you did! And you come over here crying and playing the victim when you're the one that cheated. I have yet to hear you say you're sorry. That it was a mistake and that you regret it. Unless you don't. You act like this was as simple as not taking out the trash or something. Tell me how am I suppose to feel about this? What am I suppose to think Arizona? That you love me? That you give a rats ass about how I feel? That you respect me? Because I damn sure don't feel like any of that. And you wanna talk and carry on like nothing's happened. Like this doesn't change anything only it changes everything!" I stop to see if she has anything to say, like sorry maybe, but still nothing. She's sitting there like a whacked dog with a newspaper and it pisses me off. "Now you're speechless. When we're only here because you wanted to talk and now you have nothing to say."
"Calliope.. you have to know how sorry I am. I am so terribly sorry that I keep hurting you. You didn't deserve that. You haven't deserved any of what I've put you through this past year and maybe even before that. You've done nothing but be patient and understanding with me and love me and look how I repay you." She looks so sincere about what she's saying to me that I want to believe her and I almost do, but I can't. I've already made that mistake. "I know my actions haven't proved this but I love you so much. And if you can forgive me I know I can be the person you fell in love with again."
Her last statement catches my attention and confirms a few things for me. "That's your problem Arizona. You can't be that person again. You're not that person and I don't want you to be. That person hasn't been through all that you've been through. That person hasn't survived everything you have. You're different now. As much as you fight it you've changed, we've changed. And you didn't have to pretend for me. No one expects you to be all sunshine and rainbows all the time. If you could just trust me enough to let me in, to let me know how you're feeling or what you're thinking... You're killing yourself trying to be perfect and be who you think I want you to be when I just wanted you to accept who you are now and be yourself. I don't need you to be the person I fell in love with. I don't love that person nearly as much as I loved who you are now." It's crazy to me how I didn't know she's been lying to me this whole time. I can really be an air head sometimes, I should have noticed. How could I have not noticed that? Cause she's so good at it, that's why. I don't know how much time passes before I start talking again as my words sink in for the blonde and I try to pinpoint when everything turned to shit. "I don't know how to trust you anymore Arizona. I don't know how to trust that you won't cheat on me again or trust you when you say you love me and wouldn't hurt me, or our daughter for that matter." This gets a little rise out of her as she thinks I insult her as a parent.
"How can you think I don't love Sofia with everything that I am? That is my child, for you to even-"
"How can I think you do! You didn't think about her before burying you face between so whore's legs! You didn't think about how this would affect her so yes, I am a little unsure about you with her because I don't want her to get hurt any more in all of this than she's already been." I hope she didn't take that wrong, I'm not saying she's a bad mother, she's the opposite really but someone has to protect Sofia, even if it is from her Mama.
After swallowing her anger, hurt, shock, or whatever it was that she felt when I said that Arizona looks to me and says, "So, what now? How do we fix this?.. Where do we go from here..?"
I know what I want to say, and I know what I should say, and they are totally different things right now. We took vows. For better or for worse, that's what we said. And this is definitely worse. But can I really forgive her? I look at her and I see her and Lauren and it is a real effort not to hurl every time. Yes I love her, more than anything next to Sofia but love isn't always enough. "Arizona.." I sigh and push off the wall that has been holding me up this whole time and make my way over to sit on the opposite end of the couch, leaving a whole cushion between us. "I think we should separate.." As soon as the words leave my mouth I feel her deflate next to me but I don't look over. "I know we've been separate for the past two months but I think we should separate officially. I don't know when or if I'll be able to forgive you and I don't want to hold you back if you find someone else and same goes for me." Even though it sounds like this isn't killing me to say, it is. But it needs to be done. "You have some deep issues and you are ignoring them and it is hurting us. You still haven't forgiven me for cutting off your leg. You're still hurting Arizona and you obviously feel you can't talk to me since it's about me or express yourself so, I think we should separate. I hope you get some help even though I doubt you will since that's just who you are. But I really hope you do talk to someone, professionally, and I will support you in whatever you need with that but I can't be you're wife right now."
After catching her breath she starts, "So, you're saying you want a divorce? That's it, you're done? You're quitting? " in a voice thick with emotion.
"No, I'm not saying I want a divorce. I'm saying we should take a break, figure out how this happened, and see if this is still what we want or what's best for us.. Or if we can even come back from this.. You've said and done some pretty terrible things post plane crash and I thought it was because you were scared or worried but now I don't know what to think. You walk away when you want you come back when you want, you say and do whatever you want with no regard for consequences.." I stop myself before I have us sitting here for another hour or so more than we need to be. "I'm not quitting," I say a little less firmly than I should have. "I need a break and so do you. You've lost yourself in all of this and you need to figure out who you are now and I just, I need to figure out how to even have a heart left after all of this and I can't do that with you in my face lying and confusing me."
"I do love you Calliope.. And I am sorry.." she says before getting up on unsteady legs and making her way to Sofia's room to what I can only assume is to kiss her goodnight and then she's out the door leaving me with my thoughts. I did want to ask her for a divorce but I needed to be sure that that was what I wanted and not me reacting again to what she did. This will be good for us. I need to be by myself and depend on me to put myself and my heart back together, not some woman, which is where I went wrong in the first place and she needs to find herself again. This should be good.. So why do I feel like this is the beginning of the end for us..?
AN: Oh em gee, that premiere.. I was a little pissed that Calzona only got like 2 minutes of camera time throughout the whole 2 hours but I was happy nonetheless. The scene when Arizona rushed over to Meredith's house and was arguing with Callie while she was drunk was a little funny to me. That had to be frustrating for her since Callie was so drunk. And poor Derek had to take the girls outside so they wouldn't hear the arguing, pure comedy. Arizona's last scene though, when she wanted to see Sofia for five minutes was some great acting on her part. I still would not have let her see Sofia though, mean or not she brought it on herself and I felt no sympathy for her. And is it me or is anyone else upset Callie still hasn't had anyone comfort her? Somebody needs to hug my baby quick! Shonda should really bring Addison back, if only for a little while. I loved the premiere though. Watched it like 20 times since Thursday already, I couldn't get enough of drunk Callie, Cristina, and Catherine Avery. So sad that this will be Cristina's last season though, she was my favorite after Callie *tear*...
Anyway, let me know what you thought! I love to hear from you :)
