Chapter 4
Jess awoke to the faint sound of laughter coming from the living room and groaned. Turning her face into the pillow, she bumped into something. "Gah!" she said in pain, as her face connected with her boyfriends.
"Ow!" Nick grumbled from beside her. "Geez, Jess!"
"Nick?" she said with groggy surprise. "When did you get home? Where were you?"
Nick rubbed the soon-to-be-bruised side of his cheek. Still half asleep, he mumbled something about sunrise and Jess sighed. She hadn't gotten much sleep either, and truthfully she was just too tired to restart their fight. Besides that, she really wasn't that upset anymore, just glad the day was over. A couple of stretches and a yawn later, she was on her way towards the kitchen. She slowed upon hearing Abby's voice. Abby was sitting atop the arm of the couch, Schmidt down beside her, with his hand on her back. Winston was sitting across from them, deeply involved in their conversation.
"So we were ready to commence mission "Schmidt's First Dine and Dash", and this idiot, he panics .." she said.
"I did, I panicked." Schmidt interjected with a grin.
Abby continued. "... and instead of being cool about it, out comes this British accent: "Oh, pah-don kind suh, we wuhr not aware this was a paid establishmund, you see, we ahr but silly foreigners." She laughed loudly.
Schmidt feigned offense. "Hey, to be fair, the British accent is one of, if not the, most respected and cool accents -James Bond, Churchill, Harry Potter, Wallace & Gromit."
Winston stopped him there. "Wait, Gromit is a dog though."
"So, he's still British!" Schmidt argued.
"But how can he have an accent man, he doesn't talk!" Winston replied.
"He thinks it bro! You think he can't tell the difference between a British accent and an American one? He's a Labrador, they're practically the geniuses of the dog world!"
Winston changed the subject. "So you guys spending your honeymoon here, or -"
"Abby?" Jess finally spoke up from the hallway.
Abby left her perch on the arm of the couch to meet her sisters curious gaze. "Hey, Jess. Uh, we just got back a couple hours ago. Is Nick okay?"
"Why wouldn't he be OK?" Jess said, her voice tinged with worry. She hadn't noticed anything different about him.
"He had to pull over like 5 times to throw up! He was acting super weird, mumbling things about talking to you or whatever." Abby explained.
Processing this, Jess made a mental note to go check on him, but first she needed some clarification.
"Uh," she began with a light chuckle, "what's this about a honeymoon?"
Abby looked back at Schmidt, who shot her an approving head nod. "Well, sis, Schmidt and I -"
"No." Jess muttered, the realization dawning on her. They were in Vegas.
" -we've just made such a connection and it just felt right -" Abby continued.
"Uh–uh, nope." Jess mumbled. This wasn't happening.
"And we're both ready for that next step, so -" Schmidt added.
"No!" Jess said.
"We got married!" Abby declared.
"We got married. In Vegas!" Schmidt repeated with a grin, jumping up to stand next to his new wife. "I know, I know, it's super sudden, but once I saw Nick was on board -"
"Nick?" Jess said aloud to the room, growing impatient with her conveniently missing boyfriend.
"Yeah, well he was my best man, I mean he missed the ceremony, but we'll still have a bachelor party. But it's time for us to grow up Jess." Schmidt said in all seriousness.
Abby nodded her head in agreement "And let's face it, I'm not getting any younger." she said with a hug on Schmidt's arm.
"Can't start a family too soon, right?" Schmidt said with a laugh. "Too soon! What does that even mean? How can the world wait any longer for an addition to the Schmidt gene pool!"
Abby gave him a peck on the cheek. "Well, not too, too soon. We've got time!"
Schmidt smiled. "Not too much time. Tik-tok, tik-tok. What's that sound?" He lowered his ear to Abby's stomach. "Oh, it's Mrs. Schmidt's uterus!"
Abby brought his head back up. "Alright, we got it." she said in a muted tone.
"NICK!" Jess yelled.
"We have to do something." Jess said resolutely, her small hands balled up at her waist. "They're crazy! They're talking about babies, Nick. Babies. Like, plural." After feigning happiness at her sister's news, Jess immediately took to her boyfriends room for an explanation and damage control.
"I don't know, Jess, they seem really happy." Nick said with a shrug, not making eye contact.
Jess was aghast. "Are you seriously OK with this?
"Yeah, Jess, I am. Look, I know it's fast, but I have watched Schmidt be miserable for months, and for some reason, that wacko sister of yours -"
"Hey!" she said, slightly offended.
" - makes him happy. Anyway, I don't see what the big deal is, it's just a Vegas wedding." he said.
"I'm sorry, 'just a Vegas wedding'? What does that mean?"
"Come on Jess, everyone knows Vegas weddings are a sham!"
"Nick, they are 100% not a sham, it is a real wedding. They are married."
"You have no idea what you're talking about, everyone knows Vegas weddings are a joke. It's all about tourism! Getting that tourist dollar, more money to go into Bugsy's pocket! You know how sure I am that it's not real?" he asked, and immediately dropped to one knee.
"What are you-"
"Jessica Day, will you marry me in Vegas?" She stared at him in silence, unsure what to say or do. He hopped back up. "Come on, you and me! We don't even need rings, they're included with the 60$ service. It's a bit much, but they have a really cool chocolate fountain." he said with a grin, completely unaware of what an ass he was being while trying to make his point.
Jess crossed her arms, and looked at Nick, feeling more heartbroken than angry. She felt the sting of tears beginning to form, and decided to make a quick exit. "Looks like I'll have to fix this myself then." Nick watched her leave with confusion. She can't be that upset, it's just Schmidt doing something stupid, only this time he did it with her sister. He already explained about Vegas, and she seemed like she was over it. And then the thought occurred to him that maybe he'd hurt her with what he said. He'd just proposed to the woman he loved as a joke, a way to win an argument. "Miller, you are such an ass." He muttered to himself.
