"Everybody loves stars
Everyone fell
Into her world she made here
Where innocence is taken
But I don't care
Cause it's her world, she made me" - Cold - Confession
I never thought that I would be longing for noise so much. But as soon as I stepped out of the main battery, people began to fall quiet. Sad looks seeped into the bleary eyes of a few crew members, while others simply shuffled on, getting back to work.
The silence at the breakfast table was more awkward than before. Liara avoided looking at me as I walked past the group to the kitchen. Honestly, after what has been said yesterday, I considered skipping breakfast altogether. But the pounding headache called for a cup of coffee, so I gave in.
Opening the cupboard, I reached for my favorite blue cup, catching the glimpse of Shepard's glass mug. It was a joyful little thing – checkered, with each little square being a different colour of stained glass. It did not appear to have a pattern and simply looked random. I traced the cracked places. It still looked sturdy, even if a little weathered down. Just like Iris. I sighed, pushed her mug into the depths of the cupboard and grabbed mine, filling it with hot, brown and aromatic liquid. That's what I need. A kick in the head. I wonder if I can make this coffee even stronger… I felt a pair of eyes on my back. Probably Liara…
However, when I turned around, it was Tali. I couldn't exactly see her gaze, but her head was slightly tilted in my direction. As I walked towards the table, Joker shot a few glances at me. I resisted the urge to slam my cup on the white metallic surface. These looks that I'm getting reek of pity. What is it with these people?
Grunting, I sat down, pulling the cup towards me feeling the steam swirling up and touching my face, taking in the smell of coffee that it brought. A few deep breaths later, my mind cleared up. What are we doing here? Playing crew, trying to make it all work out. It won't ever be the same…
So we sat there, in silence. Liara was typing something on her datapad. It must be hard, restoring all the connections and getting back into the picture as a Shadow Broker. She did not seemed fazed that I openly watched her work, thin blue fingers, five, running around the blue screen, tapping away. I shifted my focus to Tali. Funny enough, I never saw her eat anything. I knew she had to, but maybe it's a quarian thing. For all I know, she could be eating through a straw. My thoughts felt biting, trimmed with apathy. It won't be long until I start speaking like an elcor. Slightly exasperated: I hate this silence. Tali also seemed preoccupied, the only difference being that she was tapping at her omni-tool. Everyone is lost in their little worlds.
Joker, who was sitting in front of me, was poking new holes with his fork into what seemed an omelette.
"Hey, Joker. How are you doing?" I asked, suddenly feeling like I was standing in front of a group of varren, with one thermal clip left. Who knew that trying to break a silence would feel so daunting.
He looked up at me, finally breaking off a piece of his omelette and sticking it in his mouth.
"The same as you, Garrus" he muttered.
"You sure you feel that shitty? We could have a competition…Never mind" I finished, noticing his sour face. His nickname does not suit him anymore.
I was being insensitive and I knew that. The crew knew, more or less, what was happening between Joker and EDI, though the couple never talked about it. Some of the more slightly oblivious remarks from EDI gave me a clearer view of their relationship, but it was still something that Joker tended to brush off. And now, more than ever.
After the Crucible was activated, all of our minds went to two things: escaping the blast and Shepard. When we took care of the former, we started mourning the latter. Or, at least, they did. Little did I know, however, that a certain pilot, the best one out there, was crying over something else that he had lost. Rather, a certain someone. We found him, bent over the limp mechanic body. How do you check if she's alive? You don't press your ear to her chest. She doesn't have a pulse. The little gears stopped turning…
The Normandy fell even more silent. Joker withdrew into himself – no more funny remarks on the comm. Just a man, at the end of the bridge, steering the Normandy with painful patience. No more quips from EDI. The Normandy became a clump of humming, clicking, and occasional creaking. Like any other ordinary ship. I felt like we have been stripped of all that made us unique – an unshackled AI, a crew that moved like one entity, and our Shepard – the captain of the ship. My Iris… That one person who made all of our hearts move like one. Spirits, when did I start to think of her in a past tense?
The hours went by. We had landed in one of the habitable planets to stretch our legs and get some sunshine. I took the elevator down to the armoury, you would think that I would hate this elevator a little bit less now, since there's no rush.
James Vega was doing push-ups with a more ferocity than usual. He didn't seem to notice when I walked up to him, but shot his eyes up when I placed two bottles of water on the table next to him and what had looked like a wrapped up sandwich.
"Hey, Scars!" he stood up, glancing at what I had brought. "What's with the care package?" He's still got it in him.
"Ah, well, you see Traynor was worried that you didn't eat anything, so she asked me if I would bring the sandwich that she made for you." I said, keeping back the chuckle.
Vega looked at me weirdly, making me raise my hands up jokingly. "Now, now. Nothing dextro in it, I swear."
As he bit into the sandwich, honestly, he should haul up his ass to the mess hall from time to time. I almost miss the smell of that spicy whatever-the-hell-it-was he used to make, we chit chatted for a while. Like the rest of the crew, he was much like a badly wired up console – not quite the same.
"What's with the loss of appetite, James?" I asked.
He looked up at me, a questioning look in his eyes.
"Garrus. What's happening with you?" He answered the question with a question, taking a few gulps of water. Me?
"Liara told me that you've been acting loco. As in, more crazy than usual. Spacing out… that kind of stuff."
There was a pause before I answered.
"Did she diagnose me with something else, too? Did she mention Shepard anywhere in there?" I could feel myself heating up. Do I seem crazy to them now?
"Whoa, Scars, slow down. Dios mio, she only mentioned that you looked troubled." It was James' turn to raise his hands, but now, it was in a truly defensive manner. He stopped, as if waiting for me to react, before adding, "And she said that you believe that Shepard might be alive."
So that's how it is…
"Don't you, Vega?"
His shoulders slumped a bit, he looked more serious and deep in thought.
"Listen. I want to believe. But I don't want to live with any hopes up. We could start looking for her, but what if we don't find her? It's like losing her all over again."
At least he's sincere about it. But…
"It's like everybody cared for her only because of this mission. Because she was the only one capable of defeating the Reapers. And when she does – it seems that everyone is happy with building monuments for her, letting her settle in the history books as a hero, and completely forgetting that she was more than a Commander Shepard. She's Iris Shepard – an incredible woman that had faith in all of us." I turned around, not being able to stand the unwavering gaze of James as I spilled my heart out. "We don't live up to her faith in us. We got through this and left her behind. I left her behind! " The last words came out with a growl, and I was glad that James couldn't see the pain and anguish which my sub-vocals betrayed.
James sighed. "Don't beat yourself over it, Scars. Easy to say that, I know, but try to breathe, okay?" He looked a bit lost, probably thinking something over as he patted my shoulder and walked away.
I stood there for a minute, listening to the hum and that distinct sound of a ship – like a silent roar. Still not enough noise to drown out my thoughts. Walking up to the work bench, I grabbed a spare sniper scope.
Breathing would be easier if I wasn't drowning. Iris… You were the only thing worth fighting for in this damned galaxy.
And there you have it! I wonder if Garrus will move the crew to believe him. Also, some people said that EDI was not supposed to die if you chose the "Destroy the Reapers" ending, but I kind of went with the fact that it's possible that she died. She's not an organic, is she?
I have the plot written out in steps, so I'm trying to fill in the blanks.
Hope you enjoyed!
