Part 3

When it looked as though Callie and Stef were making their way back inside, everyone scrambled out of the kitchen and away from the window. Lena stayed put, waiting for the two to come through the door. As soon as they entered, Callie's gaze dropped to the floor, a look of embarrassment and shame on her face.

"I'm so sorry Lena. I didn't mean to yell at you like that." She said her voice barely above a whisper.

Stef placed a comforting hand on her back, and Callie immediately took a step backwards so she was closer to Stef.

"Oh Callie, you don't need to apologize. I can only imagine what you must be feeling right now – what both of you must be feeling…" she said, including Stef in her statement as well.

Stef nodded, locking eyes with her wife for a moment, before letting out a brief sigh.

"You know I'm a bit hungry. I haven't eaten all day now that I think about it. How about you sweets?" she said to Callie.

Callie just shrugged in response, not looking up from the floor in front of her.

"I'm going to go get some food, do you want to come with me?" she asked Callie.

The teen nodded eagerly, following Stef into the lounge room where the food was.

Lena let out a shaky sigh as she watched the two disappear from sight. She had never felt so disconnected from Stef in the ten years they had been together.

Stef and Callie were both sat in the living room, picking food off their plates at a very slow rate. Lena watched them from her spot in the corner of the room. She was in a conversation with some of their friends, but she couldn't concentrate on what anyone was saying. She couldn't tear her eyes away from Stef and Callie. The two were sat close together, but in silence. Neither of them had said anything since they had been sitting there. A feeling of uneasiness engulfed her, as it always does when Stef goes silent. Stef is usually never quiet, in fact most of the time you can't shut her up. Her smart mouth, playful grin and sarcastic nature were what made Lena fall for her in the first place. So whenever Stef went quiet, silent even, it meant things were bad. The last time she was this quiet was the night that they found out Callie ran away. Stef had said nothing to Lena all afternoon, and when she went in search of her partner that night, she found her staring out the window of their bedroom, tears running down her face.

"I don't get it Lena, why would she do this? We love her, she knew that right?" she said, her voice cracking. Lena would never forget how heartbroken Stef sounded that night, and she would never forget how she held her shaking body in her arms as they slept. Stef rarely let herself get that emotional, and he next morning she was back to her usual action-packed self. But Lena still shudders when she thinks about how gutted her love was that night several weeks ago.

She can't stop looking at the two of them huddled together on the couch. Callie has not left Stef's side since their conversation in the backyard, and by the looks of it Stef didn't really want her to. Stef got up, taking her and Callie's plates into the kitchen. Callie followed a few steps behind her. She watched as they came back into sight, stopping to talk to the minister who performed the service. Lena could see how tense her wife was even from a distance, and just as she went to move to her, something stopped her in her tracks. Callie reached for Stef's hand, gripping it tightly. She could see the comfort that their foster daughter was providing her, allowing Stef to stand up that bit straighter and smile tightly. As the minister said goodbye and walked past them, she watched her wife's breathing get heavy and the worry lines on her forehead emerge. But again, Callie handled it. She put a hand on Stef's back, and lead her out of the room and back to the kitchen. Lena was lost for words, her mixed up feelings taking over. Why was Stef being so open with Callie, but not with her? She could barely get Stef to look at her, let alone allow Lena to comfort her.

"Are you ok?" Callie asked quietly as they stepped into the empty kitchen.

Stef looked down at their still linked hands and smiled.

"Yes, I'm fine. It's just, well that was the minister who my father sent me to when I was a kid. "

"Ok…" Callie said, squeezing her foster mother's hand.

"When I was a teenager, I guess my father suspected that I could have been gay. Instead of talking to me about it, he sent me to that man, where I was told repeatedly that being gay was a sin."

"Really? That's terrible." Callie said in disbelief. She really didn't know Frank at all, but she found it hard to believe that someone as open and as supportive as Stef had not had that from her own father.

Stef just shrugged, letting go of Callie's hand and sitting on one of the stools.

"Is that why, I mean is that why it took you so long to figure it out? Why you married Mike, and Brandon…" Callie trailed off, not sure how to word her question.

"I guess so yeah. I married Mike to make my father happy, and don't get me wrong, I did love Mike. But just not the way I was supposed to. I loved him like a friend, not like a husband. But that period in my life brought me Brandon, and that is something that I will be forever grateful for. I wouldn't change anything." Stef said simply.

Callie nodded, and found herself keen to know more about her foster mother's life.

"Well I think that considering all of that, you are still an incredible person. I mean coming out like that must have been scary, and then adopting the twins and fostering us, all without the support of your Dad. That's pretty amazing Stef."

"Thanks Callie" she said sincerely, her eyes glassy with tears.

"And I want you to know how thankful I am to you and Lena for taking me and Jude in, for taking care of us. You have been so good to Jude, and he loves you guys so much. I just, I'm really glad we found you." Callie said shakily.

Stef nodded, running her hands along Callie's upper arms.

"We love you both so much. And we all want you to come home Callie."

Callie smiled, sitting down on the stool next to Stef and leaning into her gently.

When Jude came asking for Callie to sit with him and Marianna, Callie was reluctant to leave Stef's side.

"Go on sweets."

Callie looked at her, then at Jude, torn between whether to stay or go. She felt comfortable with Stef, she knew that with Stef beside her she wasn't going to fall apart. She was worried if she walked away from her, she would be a mess of tears again in seconds.

"You'll be ok. I'll be around if you need me."

"Ok" Callie replied quietly, smiling briefly at Stef and following behind Jude to where he and Marianna were sitting.

Stef sighed, beginning to tidy things up around the house. There was no one left in the house now but their family, thankfully most of their guests had left about half an hour ago.

She carefully slipped outside to the front yard, her fingers playing with the car keys that she had swiped off the table. She had no idea what she was planning to do, but she just needed a minute of quiet. And as strange as it sounded, that stupid car was the last thing connecting her and her father. Maybe if she went and sat in there for a little while she would feel better, feel closer to him. She scoffed at herself as she unlocked the driver's seat door and got in. Considering she made such a fuss over the car in the first place, she didn't know what to expect. She shut the door behind her, her hands instinctively resting on the steering wheel. Maybe it was helping; she did feel a little better, a little calmer. She felt a stray tear trickle down her cheek as she thought about the last thing she said to her father. Yeah she used it to lighten the mood for Callie earlier, but deep down it really hurt her. How could she have been so cold, so dismissive of him when he was only trying to help? He was right, Lena's parents did help them buy their house, maybe a part of him just wanted to feel included in their family more. How could she have been so nasty to him? She looked down at her Padre's sweat shirt, a vivid reminder of all the good times that they had had together when she was a kid and growing up living and breathing sport with him. She knew that her keen interest in sports made her father extremely proud, and her ability to rattle off various football and baseball stats when she was a teenager always made him smile. And maybe he was coming round to the idea of her 'lifestyle' like the minister had said, but it still cut her deeply that he never took the time to get to know the woman who made his daughter so incredibly happy. That bit would always sting.

She felt more tears flow freely down her face as she looked up to see Lena at the passenger door. She quickly swiped at her face, trying to wipe away the evidence that she had been sitting out here crying.

"Hey" Lena said, sliding into the car and shutting the door behind her.

"Hey" Stef whispered back.

Neither of them said anything for several minutes, just sitting in the silence staring out at the night sky.

Stef couldn't hold it in any longer, she had to ask the question that had been plaguing her thoughts all day.

"So… you want to have a baby?"

Lena looked over at her in disbelief, her mouth wide with shock. Her mouth opened, then closed, then opened again. She was quite literally speechless. How did Stef know?

"I found the pills in our drawer today… I can't believe that you have been keeping this from me love." She whispered sadly.

"Oh, I'm so sorry Stef. I wasn't intentionally keeping it from you. Honestly." She said pleadingly, leaning over and taking Stef's hand gently.

Stef just shrugged and looked away from her.

"I was going to tell you, that day that I had been to the doctor, but the timing wasn't right. And then I was going to tell you the next day, but we were arguing over new cars, and then you went over to make up with you Dad… and well the timing hasn't really been right since. I wanted to give you space hun, I wanted you to grieve over your father, not be worrying about something like this."

Stef laughed, but it wasn't a laugh because something was funny, it was a laugh because she didn't know how to handle this. She wasn't sure whether she wanted to laugh or cry right now.

"It's all I've been worrying about, from the moment I found the pills in the bathroom this morning."

Lena sighed, gripping Stef's hand a little tighter.

"I'm sorry Stef. That was completely my fault; I should have spoken to you sooner. And now this day that you should have been focusing on saying goodbye to your Dad has been ruined."

Stef let out a proper laugh this time, her hand coming up over her mouth to stifle the strange sound.

"Honestly love, it hasn't ruined anything. This day was already ruined; it was ruined by my father and by me for being so stubborn that we couldn't resolve this stupid struggle that has been going on for so many years. And now it's too late…"

Lena's heart broke at the dejected look in her eyes, not sure what to do or say to make any of this better.

"I just… Is having a baby really something you want to do?" Stef asked quietly, looking over at Lena for the first time since she had got in the car.

"Yes… I think so…" Lena choked out.

"Even with five children already, five teenage children who are not exactly a walk in the park. Five children who all have their own issues, and who still need us more than ever?"

"I knew you wouldn't understand…" Lena said wistfully.

"Hah yeah your right I don't understand! How can you think that we would have the time, or the money, or the space to bring up another child? Obviously if we have a baby, you would need to take time off. How will we feed and clothe and educate 6 children on one salary? My salary at that; I mean you know how much I make Lena, come on?" Stef spat angrily.

There was silence for a moment as Lena listened to her wife's concerns, unsure what to really say back. But Stef was only just getting started; she still had plenty to say.

"And what about the other kids, what is it going to look like to them? That none of them are enough for us, that we need a baby that is biologically one of ours? Can we really ask the twins and Callie and Jude to take those feelings on? We are so close to adopting Callie and Jude, and I know that Callie is so close to wanting to come home for good. This might scare her off, and I mean…" Stef paused, a frown forming on her forehead. "… You still want them don't you? Callie and Jude, you still want to adopt them?" she asked, her voice dropping so low Lena could barely hear her.

Lena felt a pang hurt at the suggestion Stef was making.

"Of course I still want them Stef. My god, of course I do."

Stef just nodded, going back to looking out of the front window.

"You really connected with Callie today?" Lena asked.

"Yes, I really did. I want to help her, I want her to come home to us. I want her to be my daughter, I really do Lena."

Lena nodded, a faint smile appearing on her lips at her partners love for Callie, Jude and all their children really.

"I guess I just always felt like I missed out on those feelings, actually carrying a child and giving birth."

Stef was about to protest, but Lena held up a hand signaling that she wanted to get this out without her cutting her off.

"I know you had them with Brandon, but I met you when he was five years old, I never got those experiences. And the twins were nearly eight when we adopted them, and Callie and Jude well we missed out on their entire childhood. I just, I want those experiences. It doesn't mean I love our children or our family any less. I know it's a big ask Stef, I know that. It's just something I would like to discuss anyway. The more I think about having a little baby, who is yours and mine…well it makes me excited, and happy."

Stef let out a long sigh, shifting her body so that she was facing Lena. She took both of her hands and entwined them with Lena's, resting them in her lap.

"I love you so much Lena, and I want you to have everything you ever wanted. You're my wife, of course I want that for you. And if this is something that you really want to do, I will support you, and our family, you know I will."

Lena smiled, her eyes locking with Stef's as she listened to her wife's heartfelt words.

"But right now, I just don't think that I'm strong enough to think about this rationally. I'm not strong enough to do anything at the moment. Everything with my Dad, and with the shooting and Mike and our jobs, and with Callie… I just really feel like I'm drowning here. I need help with that before we go any further. Can we put this conversation on hold for a week?"

"Oh Stef…" Lena said, flinging herself at her wife and holding her tightly. She had never, ever seen Stef so vulnerable. Even all the times she was sick, that time she broke her arm at work, when she was shot, Lena had never, ever seen Stef ask for help. Her heart broke for her usually strong, tough "nothing fazes me' cop wife.

"Of course that's ok. I want to help you, and I want to support you as best I can. I will be here for you, always and forever, you know that right?" she asked, her hand resting under Stef's chin, forcing her to look at her.

Stef nodded, tears forming in her eyes.

"I know love. Always and forever"

The End.


A/N Oh well that's its guys! I really hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. I loved getting to explore Stef a bit more - and explain her feelings in that episode. Let me know what you think anyway!

And if there are any other episodes you guys think would be good to do in the same manner as this one, please feel free to request it! I enjoy writing these short pieces that are a bit of a deeper look into the story! :) Thanks to all who read & reviewed!