Chapter 6: Inner turmoils

The weather was perfect after the last two days' rain. The mornings are sunny but windy, chilly in the shadows the trees provide, and the nights are cold just in the right way with a continuous soft breeze.

And they are still talking.

"There's this time when you fall down a cliff in your human form and I was there to see it. I'd never freaked out like that before.", Kagome says with a soft smile. They are laid down side-by-side stargazing. "I cried so hard my eyes were swollen for days.", she giggles.

"Damn, you know 'bout that too?" Inuyasha murmurs in halfhearted anger. "Bet you know when as well?"

"Every first new moon night."

"I feel exposed."

She snickers. "As expected."

His ears flatten on his head. "You know too much about me, even my secrets, and I know shit about you. I think it's only fair you start sharing."

"Secrets?"

"Yeah."

Kagome purses her lips. "I never kept anything from you, really. A few visits from Kouga while you were away and never mentioned to you before, sure… But I don't think I had secrets."

He smirks. "What about now?"

She flinches and peeks apologetically at him from under her lashes. "I'm sorry… I will tell you everything as the events come, but I want you to promise me one thing." Kagome pierces him with a serious look and the air between them becomes tense. Inuyasha's eyes harden, bracing himself for whatever is coming. "There are terrible things I'll prevent from happening." Naraku's attack on Sango's clan, Rin's death, Inuyasha's transformations… Kikyou's resurrection... "And I want you to promise me you'll understand that some of them I can tell you and some others you are mentally better off not knowing; I will keep these secrets. – Can I ask you this?"

Inuyasha turns his body to her and props his head on his hand; a very relaxed position, but his expression is anything but. His eyebrows are furrowed, his eyes narrowed to half-moons, his irises shrank to scary slits, and one of his fangs is showing. Kagome visibly flinches in hurt for being at the other end of this hostile glare. It feels so wrong to be cautious of him… "Why can't I know them?", his voice drips distrust. Yes, he considers her trustworthy, but it's too soon to drop his guard completely.

The girl bites down on her bottom lip nervously, looking away from his eyes and turns her head away, sneakily baring her throat to him – it has always calmed him. But this is not the reaction she had expected. "I told you, it'll be easier on you and our friends if you don't know.", she defends. But by the look in his eyes, the hanyou needs more convincing. Kagome sighs. "Sango-chan, for example… She has her entire family and clan slain by her brother who is being controlled by Naraku. She watches it. And her brother dies right after that." His hard face falters. It's almost invisible, but she sees it. Good. "I won't let that happen, so is telling her about this really necessary?"

Inuyasha keeps death-glaring at her. 'How does she do that? Bear all this shit and smile at every turn…?' (Not that he admires that. He doesn't.) "All right.", he finally says, nodding curtly. "But if something goes wrong you will tell me so I know what I gotta do, got it?" Kagome smiles and nods. He rolls his eyes. "Go to sleep already. According to you, that damn flea gets here early, right?"

Kagome halts all movements, even breathing. Is it tomorrow already? She totally lost track of time while sharing her past with Inuyasha. Is she really ready for this? Shouldn't she rehearse her lines to give a good first impression on him? Kagome giggles conspiratorially while preparing her bed. Oh, the possibilities!

What about showing a powerful Kagome? Showing off her power, so Sesshoumaru sees not a weak and clueless, but a good opponent. A strong woman. A prospective mate... Kagome sighs dejectedly; who's she kidding? Her Sesshoumaru acknowledged her skills as useful in battles when they got to know each other better, and a while later he even said they are essential against Naraku. But this Sesshomaru? This Sesshomaru is the old Sesshoumaru she met years ago – he doesn't eye humans as an inferior, but normal existence, but as useless, ignorant and bothersome vermin that are here only to steal his oxygen and stink the place. Kagome has never got the chance to ask him about mikos, but suspects they're ranked in an ever worse definition.

The first time they met, Sesshoumaru knew her as a human. What will happen this time if he first meets her as a miko? Will it change things too much?

Will it change anything at all?

Nestling herself deeper in her sleeping bag, Kagome relives the moment that he really got to know her.

It was raining. A lot. On her and in her. She could not remember a time when she cried that much. A heavy storm was falling in sheets and drenching the village they were in and Kagome was almost literally pouring tears from her eyes, sobbing and wailing at the top of her lungs for no one to hear. Because there was no one. It was around 3:30 am, every citizen was in deep sleep and she had run out of the inn and was now in the forest on the outskirts of a village very far from home. No one would hear her above the thunder.

Alone. She was alone, she felt alone. She cherishes the family she still has, of course – Inuyasha, Shippou, Sango, Miroku, her Mama, Souta –, but her grandpa… Earlier, she thought it was just a dream, but it was him saying goodbye! – –

"Is it danger?"

Kagome jumped out of her skin and choked in mid-sob, but when she looked up from where she had been kneeling and saw Sesshoumaru through the storm drops, she relaxed. Still shocked, but relaxed. She knew that it had been weeks since the taiyoukai joined the group – well, he didn't really join them, he just followed from afar – and since that day, it was her first time seeing him.

She saw him blink and realized she'd been staring. "No…" Kagome swallowed and didn't get up, thinking he would leave after checking on her.

He didn't.

'What's with him? Doesn't show up in almost a month and just when I want to be alone and need privacy he wants company?' She wanted to cry, she wanted to mourn, she wanted to dissolve herself in that rain like salt in water and disappear. Only not in front of him.

"It's okay, I don't sense any dangerous aura nearby." She gives a juicy giggle. "You scare them all away." And it's true. His aura alone – threatening or not – is enough to fright yokais into keeping their distance from them. Kagome only wished hers were like this too, so he would leave her be. "Thanks, Sessho –"

She froze when she saw him sit by her, two breaths away, his back to her left shoulder. And that closeness was so not him that she double-checked his aura to make sure if it was really him. About to ask why he was there, Kagome was surprised when he read her mind and said "You said" Sesshoumaru paused for a thunder. "You were alone."

Another thunder crashed the silence to make his words even more shocking. Her drenched pajamas suddenly forgotten and the cold ignorable. Had she whined her loneliness out loud?

'And he… came to keep me company?'

The suddenness of it all was too much for her. She tried to gulp that lump in her throat down, but her sadness and tears were far from over. That kind gesture was simple, anyone with a heart would have done the same, but this was Sesshoumaru of the West; it certainly means a lot and Kagome felt that she couldn't take it for granted. But she wanted to cry. Only not in front of him. "I cannot even think of how I could begin to thank you for this thoughtful intention, Sesshoumaru. – Especially when it's so out-of-character, but… I cry really loud… an-and… and it's o-only the beginning." She sniffed and cleaned her throat, trying hard not to cry.

And as an answer, the taiyoukai reached behind him over his shoulder with his only hand and buried her head on his pelt.

Kagome remembers that she was so stunned, so sad, so grateful she wasn't alone, and that that pelt was so amazingly soft, and she missed her grandpa so much that she started crying almost immediately. The pelt muffling her screams.

But then she started talking.

"I – I thought it was a dream! He came through the wall and woke me up! – And told me he went to sleep after dinner but suddenly was dead!" Her sobs were so loud she might as well be screaming instead of talking. "He!–– said I was such a good girl and that I shouldn't regret the time I didn't spend with him to be here, be-because! – I'm being part of the thing he loves the most!" She gulped and struggled to breathe through her blocked nose, clutching the pelt in her fists. "History!"

Kagome couldn't talk more after that, she wasn't able to. All she could do was cry and cry and cry hard. Her head was spinning, her nose was running and so stuffed that no air passed in or out, forcing her to breathe through her mouth. She realized that Sesshoumaru's pelt was getting soaked not only by the rain, but by her tears too. She couldn't bring herself to care, though, not at the moment. The most perfect grandfather in the world – hers – just died. And she will never see him again.

The girl swallowed, trying to breath. "I love what I– – still have!", she stated between wrecking sobs. "But I just lost one from my group!– – Now my heart feels empty!"

Kagome cried for a couple more hours before her mind and body decided they had been abused enough and shut down. When she woke up, the sun was setting and there was a very misplaced Sesshoumaru in a campsite with her friends. Still keeping his distance, but there anyway.

"Sesshomaru…", she croaked. Sore throat, no surprise. "What happened?" For him to be there with them there had to be something going on. "What are you doing?"

The taiyoukai finished tying her bag on Ah-Un and gave a side glance at her before resuming unpacking.

"Adding one to the group."

x-•°•°•-x

"Mate her."

"What?!"

"Mate her."

"In a billion years, maybe."

"In a billion years she will be dead!"

"Exactly! And I won't! So what's the point in mating someone whose life lasts the same as a blink of my eye?"

"Inuyasha-sama," Myouga spits heatedly. "You know very well that you father – May he rest in peace – would not have mated your gracious mother if there was not a way to prolong her lifespan. – You only need to find out how he did it!"

Inuyasha clenches his eyes shut, trying to block that stupid idea away and the lack of vision doesn't bother his fluid gait while they walk through Edo. The idea of prolonging a human's life is unfathomably surreal. Impossible, really. And it's obvious his father couldn't do it, after all, his mother did get old, got sick then died. His father was lucky he wasn't around to watch it like he was. And going through this once is more than enough.

So he is not mating a human. Or anyone for that matter. No one will want him anyway.

And he's totally fine with that (He is!).

"What are you looking for, my lord?"

What, indeed? 'Good question.' He doesn't know himself. Recognition? Love? War? Somewhere to call home? So many guesses, but none feeling like the right answer. But this is not what flea means, anyway. "A stupid tree.", he scoffs. "Don't ask."

"Ah." Myouga nods, letting it drop. However, he is made of curiosity. Questions to him are as important as blood for meals. "Where is Lady Kagome?"

Inuyasha bats his ears in consideration (he tries to ignore the fact that the old flea calls him Lord and Kagome Lady). Should he tell him about the origins of that woman? It's not his secret to tell, but is it even a secret? She's never said it is, so follows his instincts.

It feels like a secret.

"She went home, but should be back any minute now." There. Evasive, but true.

"And you didn't escort her?", Myouga scolds incredulously. "It's dangerous for humans to wander alone, my lord!"

Inuyasha's lips kicks up on one side as he remembers what happened to the centipede when it tried to kill the bitch two weeks ago. Yeah… It's dangerous alright. "She's strong and can take care of herself."

Myouga smiles knowingly. "Hoho, my lord – then may I ask why you flare your youki out every other minute?", he chuckles. "Watching out for something near here? Watching over, perhaps?"

He shrinks his aura immediately. "Am not! I just don't wanna be taken by surprise. Somehow she knows how to sneak up on me, that witch."

"Suuure."

'So he didn't buy it, huh?' Inuyasha muses, slightly annoyed. But that's okay, actually.

Deep down, he didn't buy it himself.

But seriously, how can he not worry? The bitch said over lunch that she would go home and prepare for battle and be back before sunset. Well, the sun set half an hour ago, so where is she?

Maybe she left? That'd be understandable since he's been nothing but an ass to her from the moment he woke up to date. But he only does it because it's damn funny! And – like it or not – Inuyasha doesn't know her. She's a stranger that showed up out of the fucking blue and told him she's a friend from the fucking future! And although he is starting to believe this story and to trust her, it still takes time to get comfortable! Especially after that woman's betrayal so fresh in his mind.

With that hole so fresh in his heart. Literally.

Granted, now he knows Kikyou isn't the one who attacked him – okay, point taken – but he isn't the one who attacked her either. Being around Kagome, a woman that needs little to start trusting, shows him they both – Kikyou and he – didn't really trust each other in the end and that they should have, but he wasn't going to kill her after her supposed attack. Unlike her; who sealed him to a tree for eternity! Thanks to Kagome, it was just for fifty years.

All of this justifies, with concrete facts, his issues with trust. So, he is sorry if he's bitchy, but this also should be fucking understandable!

And somehow, deep down, he knows that she understands; understands him, his mind, his beaten up soul. And that's why she smiles when he curses, laughs when he threatens her, only rolls her eyes when he calls her names. She doesn't take it seriously. It's reassuring, it's intimate, and it's mature.

Inuyasha expands his demon aura out again and this time he feels her holy one reaching back in response to his pushing. Playfully (not hostile as it should be); giving a prickling, tickling sensation against his youki and skin (not a white-hot sizzling one as it should fucking be!).

It's her.

In a totally unconscious act, he breathes so deeply his lungs hurt, stretched to its maximum and filled with her scent. She smells like soap, a bit of tears (why?), and the scent of a human male (if it weren't from a seventy-something year old, Inuyasha thinks he might have growled), but her personal scent erases all thoughts that suddenly pops in his head about the reason for her recent crying, or the identity of the old male. Scents usually can never be described with precision, but if he would try to describe hers – if he would, but he's not! (He's not he's not he's not) – , it's something close to honeyed cream and dew. But it still sounds off the real thing. He fills his lungs again.

And that is how Inuyasha catches the burning scent – one he hasn't smelled in centuries – of his half-brother…

… coming from the same direction as Kagome…

'Fucking hell, NO!'