Kate let herself into the loft and immediately kicked off her shoes. She breathed a sigh of relief and collapsed onto the couch. It had been a busy day and she was tired – exhausted – and wanted nothing more than to relax and forget – everything – right now. She was pretty sure that wasn't going to happen, not with what was circling around in her mind. She'd barely slept the night before and was pretty sure she wasn't going to tonight either, or to stop thinking about it.

"Damn", she muttered softly. How had things gotten to this point? Everything was going so well – so perfectly – and then wham. "Your life is just messed up Kate, admit it."

She took a deep breath and sighed again. After a few minutes she looked around and it hit her. This was the first time she'd been here, totally on her own. Oh, she'd been here for brief moments when Rick had run out on an errand, but she'd never stayed here without him. Martha and Alexis were both gone – Martha at a week-long acting retreat in California and Alexis off on a summer internship in Washington – and the place was all hers.

She slowly stood up and started wandering around. It still felt strange, unreal. This was going to be her home, was her home but it hadn't really sunk in yet. She still felt like a visitor, like a girlfriend even though she'd all but moved out of her own apartment. Right now it was full of boxes, just waiting to be taken to storage or brought here. But for now this still felt like Castle's place, his domain, his abode. She grinned – he was rubbing off on her with all the words.

She knew that he would hate it that she didn't quite feel that she belonged yet. He wanted her to feel like this was as much her place as his. She smiled gently. She'd get there – she hoped. Once they were married, and once more of her things were spread around she figured she'd start feeling totally at ease.

Rick had already suggested that she could redecorate if she wanted, recognizing that it would feel more theirs and less his if she did so. He'd pretty much given her carte blanche, except for lion (she grinned at that) and boba fett. She'd given in on lion – although one day she'd convince him that it was creepy – she would not give in on boba fett. At least she wasn't going to give in to having it removed from the ensuite. There was no way she wanted to look at that thing while relaxing, ensconced in bubbles.

Eventually she would do some redecorating but she wanted to take it slowly. As much as Rick claimed he was okay with it, she figured it would still be hard for him. The loft – his home – held all sorts of memories for him and for Alexis. And she was the other reason Kate decided to go slow. Castle's daughter had been great about the two of them, but she was conscious that she didn't want to make the young woman feel as if she was being replaced.

As if she could be, thought Kate. That instantly got her thinking again and – crap – she felt like she wanted to either throw up or break down in tears. Why now? Why her?

She continued to wander through the loft, looking at all the things that were Rick's. He was such an interesting man, she thought for the umpteenth time. He had such eclectic tastes – from stuff that a ten year old boy would covet – to classical Russian novels, books on philosophy and religion and science. She could only imagine what an interesting and varied upbringing Alexis had had with a father like Richard Castle.

She smiled. One of the things she'd liked about him, right from the beginning, was the intense love he had for his daughter. He was a wonderful father, which of course brought on the sniffles. "Damn", she said again. "Stop it Kate!"

Suddenly thinking about Alexis and what it must have been like to grow up with Castle made her curious to see what it had been like. He must have photos around, she reasoned. He loved his toys and he adored Alexis so there had to be pictures.

She made her way to his office, assuming that's where they'd be. It didn't take her long to find them, arranged neatly on the bottom shelf of his book case, right under the collection of his own works.

Starting on the left she pulled out what looked like an older album. After a moment's thought she grabbed two more and made her way back to the living room. Maybe this would take her mind off things, off of how scared she was, off of the fact that she'd royally screwed up.

She left the albums on the coffee table and made her way slowly to the kitchen. She wasn't hungry, knew she couldn't eat, but she had to get something to drink. She glanced over at the cupboard where he – they – kept the wine, but shook her head. No, that's the last thing she needed. Instead she opened the refrigerator and pulled out the juice. Taking a glass back with her she plunked down and pulled the first book towards her.

And immediately smiled when she opened the page to a tiny, completely naked Richard Castle. She couldn't help the burst of delighted laughter when she saw the dimpled little cheeks – both sets of them. He was so damned cute it almost killed her.

She began to slowly flip through the album, gazing at pictures of Rick as he grew from the tiny, adorable baby, to the bigger but still adorable little boy. She saw that Castle grin – or she guessed it would have been a Rodgers grin back then – and the twinkle in his eyes. He looked sweet and full of mischief, just the same as he was now.

There were a number of pictures of a young Martha, although it was amazing how good the woman still looked. Kate assumed it was good genes, although she wouldn't have been surprised that a few shots of botox and filler helped Martha look as young as she still did.

She closed the first book and went on to the next and the next. More of Rick – growing into a gawky pre-adolescent and then teenager. He had obviously grown up before growing out and was all gangly limbs, big feet and pimples. He was adorable.

Then there were the high school pictures, including a number of photos from various clubs and activities. It was obvious his interests had been more academic than athletic, although there were some pictures of him fencing. Yup – that was definitely the kind of thing he would do. His graduation photos were next and finally what looked like photos from his college days.

The last photo in the album was a picture of a grinning Richard Castle, holding his first novel – which in a few short months had hit the best seller list. God, the man had been so young to have been catapulted into that kind of fame and fortune. It was a wonder he'd retained the goodness and sweetness that characterized him. She had to give a toast – with orange juice – to his Mother, who had kept him grounded and loved.

She sighed and put down the last album, feeling somewhat better, although she knew that was more because of the distraction than because she really had a handle on what was happening. After another long sip of juice she pushed herself up. This was helping, a little, so she might as well continue. She made her way back into the office and grabbed another pile of albums. Soon she would have seen his whole life in pictures.

She paused momentarily. Did she want to see everything? There would certainly be pictures of him with his ex-wives, and even, possibly with various girlfriends. Would that be like rubbing salt into a wound?

"Get real Beckett', she muttered to herself. "It's not like you don't know that he's been with lots of other women but, like he'd told her once, they weren't her. She had to keep that thought – and spend the rest of her life making sure that he didn't ever want anyone but her. He was her 'one and done' and she was going to make damn sure she was his.

She sat down again – feeling tired and half sick. Refusing to think about anything else she opened the album, this time to see a picture of a tiny baby, cradled in the arms of an impossibly young-looking Rick. It was Alexis, without a doubt, and one of the cutest pictures she'd ever seen. Alexis' newborn eyes were huge as she gazed up at her father – probably the only thing she could see at that point. Her head was bald – but she was still absolutely precious. Oh Rick – you make beautiful babies!

She couldn't help but smile gently at the look of adoration on the man's face. He had his eyes on the little girl – she could only have been hours old – in total wonder. Good God, she thought, he could only have been 21 or 22 at the time – way too young to have the responsibility for a wife and child. And yet, he'd done such a wonderful job – at least with Alexis. Sadly the marriage hadn't lasted. She suddenly choked – hell it was a good thing it hadn't or she wouldn't be here!

She began to flip through more of the pictures, chuckling at how many there were at every single stage of the young girl's life. At this rate she'd only be a couple of months old by the end of the album. It took her a while to notice that there were hardly any photos of Meredith. There were a couple, but she was always in the background. Kate supposed that she'd gotten the photos with her and Alexis in the divorce. Still, it made her feel a bit better that there weren't a bunch of photos with him and his ex.

She continued to thumb through all the photos – often laughing, sometimes feeling choked up at the obvious love Castle had for the little girl. She was clearly his life, and that hadn't changed. The man had such capacity for love. She realized again how lucky she was. It also struck her, as she looked at the pictures, that there was little record of his marriages and none of his girlfriends. There was one or two with Gina, but again she was in the background. He probably hadn't wanted anything to remind him of those times – or at least a record of them where Alexis could find them. On the other hand, she wouldn't have been surprised if he didn't have anything of them because they hadn't meant that much to him. Oh, he'd tried she knew – but he had confessed to her that he hadn't really been in love – deeply in love – with either wife. He hadn't really talked to her about it, but she was slowly beginning to realize that as much as he had lived the life of a playboy, in fact Rick was, at heart, a family man. He craved it and had looked for it – hence the marriages – but hadn't found the right woman.

Until her.

She hated herself for how glad she was of that fact.

She only realized how long she'd been looking at photos when it became too dark to see them clearly. She glanced at her watch and was surprised to realize she'd been here for hours. She'd seen Rick's life – or at least his family life – and she had grown to love him even more. He was a good man, a caring man and a wonderful father. She let out a small sob. He was so much better than her – so much more capable of loving and being loved. How could she do this? How could she stick him with someone so fearful, so lost, so – so incapable?

She leaned over, her head pressed against the back of the couch, and began to cry. She couldn't do this.

It had taken longer to get into the city than he had hoped. He'd hit a major traffic jam – he'd assumed there was a major accident but it had turned out to be nothing more than a fender-bender. Still, it had slowed things down and he'd been travelling for over 3 hours. He debated about giving Kate a call, but then decided not to. Knowing her she'd put on her mask by the time he arrived and he wouldn't find out what was really going on. This way he hoped to surprise her and get her to open up to him.

At least he wasn't afraid of walking in on anything – like he had with Meredith. He trusted her completely, knew she'd never hurt him like that. No – Kate was honest and faithful – she was just frightened of experiencing joy and of believing that happiness was within her grasp. He'd made it his life's work to prove to her that it was.

By the time he hit the hallway outside the loft he was tired, and worried, and – scared. He swallowed and then put the key into the lock.

She didn't hear him come in. She was sitting in the dark, her face pressed up against the back of the couch. At first he wondered if she'd fallen asleep, but the glow from the outside lights had illuminated her face and he could see her eyes shining in the darkness. They were filled with tears, and his heart felt like it was breaking.

"Kate?"

At first she thought she was dreaming. She heard his voice and a huge weight lifted from her heart. She sat still, just letting the feeling wash over her. It was as her name was repeated, and she heard the sound of his footsteps approach that she realized – he was really here.

"Castle?" She sat up slowly, still not quite sure if this wasn't a dream. "Why are you here? You're not supposed to be here until tomorrow evening." She scrubbed her cheeks, trying to erase the evidence of her tears.

He sat beside her and slowly pulled her towards him. "I knew something was wrong", he said gently. "So I came home."

She nodded. Yes, that was her Castle. "Of course you did", she hiccupped, half crying, half laughing. "How do you do that?" she asked, suddenly.

"Do what?"

"Know. How do you always know when I need you?"

"Because I love you Kate." He held her tightly, wanting desperately to ask her what was wrong, why she was sitting here crying. But he knew her too well, he knew he'd have to wait for her to be ready to tell him. "And because I'll always be here for you."

"Will you?" she asked softly, resting her head against his chest. "Even if I screw up?"

"Especially then", he told her, kissing the top of her head. "That's what love is Kate. It's easy to love someone when things are going perfectly – it's more important to love each other when we – screw up. I mean, I expect you to keep loving me even when I do – stupid things – not that I do – but just in case."

She giggled. "Of course you don't. But if you do I will keep loving you, I promise."

He sighed and rested his head on her. Thank God – whatever it was, it wasn't about him. He hadn't lost her. "So – what's up?"

He heard the soft sob, and cursed silently. "Kate? He pulled her away slightly, so he could see her face. "What is it? What's wrong?" He couldn't let her suffer, he had to know.

"I screwed up Castle."

"O – kay. Can you tell me about it?"

She nodded. "I have to. I mean – you'll find out anyway. Oh Rick, I'm so sorry. I didn't plan on this but – it just happened. I know you wanted – didn't want – oh God, I'm so sorry."

"Uh Kate – you're kind of scaring me here. What happened?"

She sniffed and then sat up straight. She wiped her face with her hands and then sat back so she was no longer touching him. He wanted to protest but realized she probably needed her space.

"You know how we talked about having time together – to get to know one another and really enjoy being a couple? The last few years have been so crazy and I wanted so much to just love you and be your wife and be – and be with you."

"Yes", he frowned. Where was this heading? He could feel a sense of dread start to settle in his stomach. "We can still have that Kate."

"Yes – no – I mean, not like we'd planned."

"Why not? Kate – what is it?"

She looked at him, her lip between her teeth. He could tell she was frightened but was trying to gather the courage. She licked her lips and opened her mouth – but then closed her eyes.

"Kate", he entreated, feeling like he was going to implode.

"Sorry, sorry", she murmured. Her eyes opened. "I'm – pregnant."