Thank you so much to all of you who added this story (or me) to your alert list. It's great to know people are enjoying this fic. I'm realizing that each fandom is slightly different – and I've gotten used to my readers and buddies in the Stargate world . A big thank you to those of you who knew me from there and reviewed my Castle story. You're great folks.
Also a thank you to my new readers. But a short plea – as wonderful as it is to have people add this story to their alerts, it's even nicer for an author to get reviews. It's the reason we write – so…. Here's begging for more for my next chapter. Tell me what you think. All constructive criticism (especially since this is my first Castle fic) is greatly appreciated. Thanks everyone!
He felt almost light-headed with relief. He'd been imagining all sorts of things – from her deciding that he wasn't worth it to even – in the darkest moments – that she'd met someone else. He hadn't, in his wildest imagination, thought of this.
She was pregnant? He blinked, not quite sure how to react – or even how to feel. He had a momentary flashback to when he'd heard the same words from his girlfriend of just over 4 weeks – Meredith – and the utter terror that had consumed him then.
This time there wasn't the terror but he wasn't quite sure what he felt. He'd always known he'd wanted a family with Kate. He loved kids and was excited, thrilled about the idea of having more. They'd even talked about it – although it had been a rather general – 'yeah, I want kids someday', conversation. But he certainly hadn't expected it to happen quite so soon. It was startlingly clear, from her reaction, that she hadn't either. She had wanted to wait and well … that obviously wasn't going to happen, not now.
God! The deed is done. The die is cast. He's going to be a daddy again.
"Castle?"
Her frightened voice pulled him out of his shock –at least enough to look at her. "Huh?" Maybe he'd misunderstood? This could be a joke, a gag, like his birthday party. He glanced around, almost expecting their friends to jump out and say 'surprise'. When that didn't happen, and Kate again called his name he tried to gather his thoughts and answer her.
"Sorry." He pushed his hands through his hair, mussing up his perfect style without giving it a thought for once. "Uh – what did you say?" There – he'd better make sure he'd gotten it right.
"I said I'm pregnant." He could hear the strain in her voice and suddenly wanted to hug her. By the look of her – by the arms she had wrapped around herself – she wasn't expecting a hug from him. He wasn't quite sure if she was avoiding him, or frightened that he wouldn't want to give her one.
He sighed and shook his head. What the hell was wrong with him? He loved her – and he was going to have a child with her. So what if it was happening sooner than expected. It was going to be great and he was sitting here acting like an idiot. He tried to pull himself together.
"Uh – when? How?" he mumbled. He closed his eyes in frustration. Could he sound any more stupid?
"I think it was – after I was taken by – after Simmons."
He remembered back to that horrible time, just a few short weeks ago. He'd been so terrified that he'd lose her – and he had hated what they had done to her. He'd wanted to kill them, slowly and painfully – and he knew he could have done it if he'd only had the chance.
"Oh", he gave her a crooked smile, trying to forget – and hopefully make her forget as well – that awful time. "I guess it was the celebration after you made it out alive."
"Yeah", she gurgled, although she sounded closer to tears than to laughter. "I'm so sorry. In all the - I must have – forgotten to take my pill. I was still so – so – you know, and I didn't think. I'm sorry."
"Hey", he pulled her to him, suddenly unable to bear it. "It's not your fault. Hell, it's not anyone's fault. And anyway, I'm as responsible for this as you are – more, probably, because I think I was the one who wanted to – celebrate. I know you wanted more time to get used to the idea of having kids, and for that I'm sorry Kate but – it's still a wonderful thing. I mean, you're going to have my baby!" It suddenly struck him – oh God, it was true – he was going to have a child with her. A surge of joy washed over him and he wanted to laugh – and to shout. He wondered if the neighbors would call the cops if he opened a window and told New York that he was going to have a child with Kate Beckett.
"But Rick – I can't", she whimpered.
He frowned and pulled back slightly. "Uh – what do you mean Kate? You obviously can, if you're pregnant already." And didn't that send another surge through him – this time of manly pride that he'd made her pregnant.
"No – I mean – I can't be a mother. I'm no good at it. You saw me around Cosmo – I didn't even want to hold him."
"That was only because you weren't used to babies. A lot of women, and probably more men, are in that situation. When the baby comes it's totally different. Kate, this will be your baby, your child. You said yourself it'll be different."
"But what if it isn't? What if I'm a terrible mother? I spent the evening looking through your old photo albums", she pointed to the books all over the coffee table and on the floor. "I saw what a wonderful father you were – you are. You're so good at it."
"Kate", he sighed. "When Alexis was born I wasn't good at anything. I was terrified. I had no idea what to do and Meredith – well, she was even worse. I was just a kid, for God's sake, a kid playing at being a father. But you know what – as soon as I looked at Alexis, I was filled with such love that it didn't matter that I was essentially useless. I just knew I had to love her, and that's what I did."
"I see you Rick. I know you love Alexis, but it's more than that. You're a natural with kids. They instinctively love you. How can I compete with that?"
"You don't have to Kate. In fact, it's not a competition at all. It's about loving each other, about supporting each other – and about relying on the other's strengths as we bring up our child together. There will be some things I may be better at – and yes, I have experience, although as you probably saw with Cosmo, I've forgotten a lot. But there will be things you're way better at Kate. I know you. I know you'll be a great Mom."
He could tell, from the slight shake of her head and the fact that she wouldn't meet his eyes, that she didn't believe him. He sighed, wondering what it was going to take.
"What was your mom like?" he asked suddenly.
She looked at him, surprised. She'd told him about her mother, mostly in the context of her murder and the subsequent investigation. She couldn't remember how much she'd actually told him about who her mother was and what she'd been like. She shifted slightly, wondering whether or not she could do this. Now that Bracken was behind bars, and she'd gotten justice for her mother, she thought that maybe it was time to bring out the happy memories. Some days she had forgotten that there was a time before the murder. She sighed.
"She was – amazing", Kate said softly, her eyes staring as if looking off into the distance. "We were so close, even during my teen years. Lots of my other friends had fights with their moms – and would bitch and complain about them. By my mom and I were always best friends. We used to do things together all the time. She loved to shop – especially for shoes!" she looked up at that and gave a tiny grin. Castle returned it.
"So, that's where you get it."
"Mmm hmm', she nodded. "She also loved to go to museums or to simply go for walks. I think her favorite past-time though, was reading."
"What kind of books?" he asked gently.
"Just about anything, although she was a sucker for mysteries."
"Of course – also like her daughter", he waggled his eyebrows and she laughed. He could feel the tension in his shoulders begin to loosen.
"Actually, yes. And you know who one of her favorite authors was?"
"Let me guess – an incredibly and ruggedly handsome mystery writer by the name of -"
"James Patterson", she nodded, and then gurgled at his expression. "No, or course it wasn't him –it was you. She was the one who introduced me to your works in the first place. We used to sit around and daydream about Derrick Storm."
"Aha – so you really are a Fan-girl."
She narrowed her eyes at him. "Don't let it go to your head Castle", she told him.
"Did you ever stand in line to get my autograph – I mean, other than – you know", he grimaced slightly, remembering the time when he hadn't seen her for three months - and hating that memory.
She grimaced as well and gently squeezed his hand. "Mmm – wouldn't you like to know?"
"Katherine Beckett – you did, didn't you. You know that I'll find that book one day, don't you? I wanna see what I wrote." He wanted to keep things light and he could tell that Beckett appreciated that and was trying to go along with it.
"Not gonna happen Castle", she told him, laughing, although there was still a hitch to her voice.
He could tell that she was trying hard, for his sake, to appear as if she was okay. He could also tell that she was close to falling apart. "We'll see", he answered softly. "So, tell me some more about your mom."
There was a brief pause while Kate seemed to think deeply about what to tell him. "Well, she was the heart and soul of our family. Oh, I loved my dad – still do of course, but mom – she was warm and funny and knew how to make people feel good about themselves and about life. She brought joy to everyone around her." She stopped as if in deep thought and then raised her eyes to his, an intense expression reflected in them. "That's why I fell in love with you, you know. You're like that too."
He swallowed, knowing that there was no way, at this moment that he could speak. What she'd just said – they were perhaps the most humbling words anyone had ever spoken to him. "Thank you", he finally ground out, his voice breaking. "That means – more than you know."
"Of course, you can also drive people crazy", she allowed her mouth to lift, although the smile didn't quite reach her eyes. After a moment she reached over and again took his hand. "She could always make us laugh – her stories – they were wonderful. She and I used to go for walks and create whole worlds, just looking at the people and the scenery around us. It was a magical childhood, in many ways."
It was then that something happened in his heart. That dark corner where the doubt lived, suddenly vanished. For the first time Rick felt confident that he was the right man for her, that he had what she needed. She had just told him that he was like her mother. When she had talked about the stories they'd created together he knew.
When he'd first met Kate Beckett she'd been wounded, damaged by the death of her mother. She'd built strong walls around herself, walls that wouldn't let anyone in, wouldn't let anyone love her. Because to her, that meant loss – and it was something she didn't want to face ever again.
And then he'd come barreling into the picture. Richard Castle – immature playboy, child in a man's body, father, son, and storyteller. He realized, with blinding clarity, that he was exactly what she had needed then, what she needed now – someone to bring back magic and wonder, joy and stories back into her life. No wonder she had fought him so hard. She had seen – even if not consciously – that he was dangerous, that if anyone could tear down those carefully constructed walls it was him.
He finally reached over and pulled her closer. Putting his feet up on the couch he turned her until she was lying back, sitting between his legs, her back resting up against him. "You loved your mother", he said softly, into her ear. It wasn't a question, but a statement of fact. "You loved her, and she loved you. It sounds like you had a wonderful childhood, and a wonderful mother who brought you tremendous joy. She also gave you incredible gifts Kate. She raised a daughter who believes in honor, and justice; who feels compassion for others and believes in doing good. She raised a daughter who knows how to be a good and loyal friend, a fierce advocate for what is right – and most importantly, she raised a daughter who knows how to love."
There was a soft sob from Kate and she turned her head until she was pressed against his heart. He held her closer.
"And you know what Kate – I know your mom is up there somewhere, so proud of what you've become, so proud that you brought her justice, but you didn't let the fight destroy you."
"I almost did", she whispered.
"Almost doesn't count. You didn't. You came out of it stronger and better. But you know what?"
He could feel her shake her head, although she didn't speak. "Now it's time to move on and to take all those things your mother taught you – all the gifts she gave you – and pass them on to her grandchild. Kate, you may think you don't know how to be a mother, but in here", he put his hand on her chest, over her heart, "you do. You do because your mother taught you how to be the best mother there is. And if you think she's proud of you now, I can assure you she'll be even more proud of you when she sees that you've taken all that she was, all that she gave you, and gave it in turn to your son or daughter."
He stopped talking then, not sure if he'd gotten through to her, or if any of it meant anything to her. He understood – she was frightened, and probably disappointed at getting pregnant so soon – but he'd keep telling her, keep convincing her, until one day she believed it.
"God", she whispered, turning until she was lying on top of him, chest to chest, her face pressed fully into him. "How do you do that Castle?" repeating her words of earlier. "How do you know how to say exactly the right thing?"
"Uh – I guess cause I'm a writer?" He tried to lift his head to look at her, but it was an awkward angle. As it was, he wasn't quite sure how she was doing.
"No." This time she lifted her face until she was peering directly at him. "It's because you're amazing. You are a beautiful man you know – and that's why you know exactly the right things to say to make me believe."
"Believe?"
"That I can be a mother. That I won't be an absolute failure at it. That I'll have my mother with me on this new journey." She stopped for a moment and then leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss on his lips. "I love you so much!"
"I love you too Kate."
The two of them lay there for a long time, the darkness shadowing them as they simply loved. They both – finally – felt at peace, surrounded by the presence of one another and, they knew, by the spirit of Johanna Beckett.
It was only when Castle began to feel the need to move from the awkward position that he made a sound and attempted to shift.
"Am I squashing you?" she asked lazily.
"Well, as much as I normally like to be squashed by you, right now I -"
"But you said 'always', Castle", she interrupted with a grin.
"Hey, that was, 'I'll always love you', or 'I'll always be there for you', not 'I'll always let you lie on top of me and squash me."
She sighed and leveraged herself up. "How fickle men are."
He snorted and when he'd stood – and stretched, with a groan – he turned to her. "Me fickle? I'll have you know I'm the most constant, faithful man you'll ever meet."
Her face grew serious and she put her hand out to gently stroke down his cheek. "I know. Thank you."
"Always", he replied, a small smile bringing out the crinkles by his eyes. He stared at her for a moment and then his smile turned to a grin. "And on that thought – excuse me! I've just spent the last hour with this big lump on top of me and I need to go!"
By the time Rick returned, Kate had begun to take the photo albums back to his study. "So, what did you think of all my pictures", he asked as he began to help her carry them.
She smirked and waggled her brows. "That a naked baby Castle is the cutest thing in the whole world!"
"Of course it is", he nodded, looking serious. "And you know what Kate?" he said as he put the last album away and turned towards her. "You're going to get to see another one in about", he thought for a moment, "8 months."
She swallowed and stared. Damn, she'd almost forgotten what this whole thing was about. She was pregnant. "Are you – unhappy about it? I mean, disappointed – you know, that we didn't wait?"
He took her hands and walked to the chair, sitting down and drawing her with him. "Listen to me carefully Kate – and believe me. I am absolutely not unhappy, or disappointed or mad or sorry or any of those things. What I am is thrilled, excited, in shock, a little scared and the happiest man in the world. There's nothing and I repeat nothing I want more than to have kids with you", his eyes suddenly narrowed, "Okay, having sex with you is up there too. But right here, right now, there is nothing that could make me happier than this."
"But – we said we would wait."
"Because that's what I thought you wanted. I knew that the idea of having kids scared you, and I hoped to ease you into the idea using my charm and influence."
"What ch-"
"Shhh", he told her, pressing his lips to hers to stop her words. "As far as I'm concerned, we've had six years together, the last two as a couple. I love spending time with you, but a child doesn't take away from that – okay, so it might take away a bit of alone time, and sex, and sleep, and – but the important thing is -"
"Is what?"
He reached out and placed his hand – reverently – on her stomach. "We're having a baby Kate – the two of us have created a wonderful new life. That can never be a bad thing."
"What if it has your personality?"
"Okay, so that would be a bad thing! But as long as it has my looks, and your personality, we'll be fine."
She laughed and leaned into him. "I'd be happy if it had some of your personality."
"What parts?" he asked with a laugh and a kiss.
She grew serious. "Your joy, your sense of wonder, your nurturing and caring – you really are a mother hen at times, you know. And – there's your intelligence which is quite impressive. And yes, it can have your blue eyes. They're very attractive."
"Why thank you!" he said with a roll of the eyes. "Anything else?"
"Hmm? Well, as long as she or he has my scrabble abilities -"
"Hey no way. Those are mine. Just because you got lucky a couple of times doesn't mean you are the master. Nope, our child is gonna take after me in the scrabble department."
"Okay fine. But it gets to take after my poker -"
"HA! No way. Poker is also mine."
"Fine – then what do I get?"
"Um – how about – Go Fish?"
She hit him then and for the next few minutes they wrestled, until they flopped to the floor and Castle panicked. "Oh God – are you - "
"I'm fine – I'm okay", she laughed. "It was a pretty short fall and a soft landing." She scooted over to him and wrapped herself around him. "Thank you", she murmured into his neck. "Thank you for making this so – so okay."
"Just okay?"
"Well – I am still scared, but now – I'm kind of looking forward to seeing our own baby Castle. Just more Castles to love!"
He smiled and kissed her – truly the happiest man on Earth.
"Sherlock!" he cried, out of the blue, a few moments later.
"Huh?" She gazed down at him with a confused expression.
"If it's a boy – Sherlock – the greatest detective of all time."
"Sherlock Castle?" Her eyebrows went up and her voice sounded nothing if not – skeptical.
"Yeah, and if it's a girl – Agatha!"
"Agatha and Sherlock? Uh Castle?"
"Yeah?" He looked at her with a pleased expression. "What?"
"Over my dead body."
