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Fili stared after his brother and felt an awful pang in his chest. He took a step forward to run after him, but felt a sturdy hand on his shoulder. He looked up at Thorin.
"Give him a few moments. What's all this about, Fili?" he asked
Fili sighed. Thorin had been there that night, the night he found Kili in the alleyway and brought him home. Thorin had been respectful, and had kept his distance. If he had noticed any change in Kili's character, he had kept it to himself. That night Kili had seemed so scared, and on the edge of a panic attack. And he could barely stand to be touched. That was what worried him, something had happened to Kili, something so terrible that he flinched away from his own kin. Kili seemed so ashamed of it. So ashamed, that Fili felt that sharing his burdens would only cost him more fear.
He sighed, and then Thorin motioned for Fili to come sit with him in the living room. They were the only two awake, for it was 2:00 in the morning.
"Tell me Fili, what has been ailing your brother?" Thorin asked
Fili looked up at his uncle, and he knew he could not keep quiet any longer.
"Kili has been….unwell. A few months ago he was attacked, and it changed him."
Thorin's forehead creased in concern, but his silence urged Fili to continue.
"Whatever happened to him, it scared him. Uncle. He's changed, he's become timid and he won't let anyone touch him. And I had thought if I could get him out of the mountains, away from where it all happened it might help him heal. But it hasnt, so far."
Thorin nodded sullenly.
"I too, have noticed Kili's change. I had thought with time he would get better. But the question now is, is he well enough to accompany us? He cannot slow us down, we must reach the mountain before the summer's end."
Fili tried hard not to role his eyes, Thorins obsession with this mountain had plagued him for many, many years. Leaving him blind to the things that really mattered, like Kili's deteriorating state of mind.
"Let me talk to him, Uncle. I think this journey will help him forget, he needs to be away from Ered Luin, he needs to feel dwarfish soil and dig in the mountain mines. He is your heir, Thorin. He needs to be here with you." Fili told him.
Thorin paused, but then finally nodded.
"Alright. Go talk to him, let him know he's safe with us. That nobody is going to harm him."
Fili nodded.
"Thank you, Uncle."
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I see flashes of dirt and hear his hot breath against my ear. NO. No no no! I pull harder, and feel myself rocking back and forth. My breathe comes in hitches and the tears Ive been trying to hide fall down my face.
"Kili?" Fili asks, he grabs my hands and I flinch. His touch feels like his and I feel the panic take over. I struggle to pull my wrists away from my brother. He lets go and I scamble backwards into the corner of the room. Stop stop stop stop stop, please stop.
"Alright, Kili. It's alright."
I didnt realize I had been chanting outloud. I look down and see my hands shaking, my legs shaking, I cant stop, I cant control my body anymore. I shake and stutter and gasp for breathe. I cant breathe anymore and it scares me. I press my forehed against the wall and close my eyes. Stop. Stop stop stop stop. I command myself. Get a grip.
The memories of that night flood through my head as I barrel through the Hobbit's garden and finally come to rest by an old tree stump. Stop, why wont the memories stop? I just want them to go away.
Thorin had looked so angry in the hallway, I can't stand his wrath right now. I cant even be around him anymore. How am I supposed to go on this quest? How am I supposed to hold it together when I feel like I am falling apart inside? Even with Fili here, I can't control it; the fear. It storms inside me like icy sleets of rain. It never stops.
And Fili…Fili has always been there for me and now I can never repay him back because none of this will ever stop.
Suddenly my forehead hits something soft, and I force my eyes open and see Fili's hand, protecting me from the wall. I didnt even realize I was banging it until he stopped me.I feel the Panic rising once again as our skin touches.
"It's going to be alright, Kee." Fili whispers, "The bath is ready. Come, you will feel better. I promise." he urges me softly. I freeze.
"Do you want me to leave?" he asks. My body shakes my head before I have a chance to think. Fili takes his hand away and schootches backwards on the floor.
"Alright, it's okay Kee." he says again, and then reaches over and gently grabs the sleeve of my shirt, careful not to touch my skin. All I can think is that
He knows on some level what happened to me and I thank Mahal that he does. By now the Panic is starting to subside just a little bit, the awful panging in my chest dying down to a soft rhythm. I feel I feel my eyes start to well; it's beginning to hurt. A deep dark pain that is so shameful I can't let myself dwell—-
"Kili?" a voice makes me jump, I look up and see my brother standing over me. I wince slightly, I must be so pathetic to him, sitting here in the dirt and crying. He sits down next to me, far enough away though so I don't feel the panic rise. He looks over at me with sad eyes and gives me a little smile. I don't meet him in the eye, I don't want to see his pity.
"Thorin isn't angry, if that's what troubling you." He said lightly. I stay silent.
Fili sighs, a sad sound.
"I know this is hard for you, being here on this quest. But I think it will be the best thing for you. Kili, I want you to know that you can talk to me. I'm your brother, you can tell me anything." he says.
I shake me head. He can't know about this. He can never know what happened to me. It will destroy him, turn him into ice. All he'll want is to extract revenge on the thing that hurt me, and I wont let my perfect brother be tarnished like that.
I shudder again as more memories of that night wash over me, their cold icy fingers gripping inside my head, flashing before my eyes and making my hands tremble.
I submerge myself completely in the warm bath, keeping my eyes open, as if cleansing them from everything I have seen on this night.I lose track of time, under there in the warmth and quiet, that I don't really realize that I need to breathe. I am numb. Fili pulls me up, and quickly returns to his seat on the small wicker chair we keep in the room.I mumble a small thank you, he nods and looks away.
I begin to scrub at my skin, washing away the filth, the blood, and the shame. I scrub too hard and try to suppress a gasp as the water around me turns pink. Why can't I get clean? The blood just keeps coming and coming. Suddenly the sponge is wrenched out of my hand. I look up and see Fili kneeling next to me, eyes full of concern. I flinch away at his presence, and then bite my lip, berating myself for reacting to the one person who cares about me the most.
"I think you're done, Kee." Fili says softly, and then he stands up, holding a large towel open for me. Just like the way Da used to do when we were younger. The warm water has calmed me some, I feel like I am on auto-pilot now. Just going through the motions, my mind is numb. I stand up and allow Fili to cover me with the towel. He gently pats me dry, then wraps it tightly around me—
"Kili? Kili? Please, are you with me?" Fili's voice brings me back and I finally meet him in the eye.
Fili smiles a little, "There's my Kee." he says softly.
He touches one of the daffodils, and it sways dark and blue in the moonlight.
"Ive always liked gardens, I wish we could grow them like this at home." he says, and I know he's trying to distract me from my memories.
Suddenly, he starts singling softly, a silly rhyme from our childhood;
"The Lonely Troll he sat on a stone
and sang a mournful lay:
'O why, O why must I live on my own
in the hills of Faraway?
My folk are gone beyond recall
and take no thought of me;
alone I'm left, the last of all
from Weathertop to the Sea…" **
I smile a little, feeling his voice wash over me like warm water in a bath. I suddenly feel a warm strength inside me. The good memories of our childhood temporarily erasing the bad ones. And I realize that my brother is all I have, he is the only one I can trust in this cruel, cruel world. I can't ever go back to Ered Luin, not when even the slightest memory of that place makes me tremble and shake. I must find a new place to be a peace, and that's why I need to go on this quest to reclaim Erebor. My brother is offering me a chance at a new start, where I can be who I am and not hurt anyone.
With this new strength, I reach out, and grasp his hand with mine. Fili looks up at me, and I can tell he is surprised, for I haven't reached out to anyone since it happened. A sudden understanding falls between us; moments like this one, sitting quietly while singing silly rhymes will clear the darkness away.
Atleast for a little while, all is at peace.
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**PERRY-THE-WINKLE by JRR Tolkien
Thank you Shadowdancer125, Chrs, jaymzNshed, Mzzmarie, Sprirt of Light and Darkness, Hayyah2000 and doctorepic for the lovely reviews! I am so glad that you like my story so far, and I am looking forward to all of your reviews for this one!
