Disclaimer: I do not own The Mentalist. It belongs to the slightly angelic Bruno Heller.
Author's Note: Okie dokie, folks! Now it's Jane's turn! I wonder what he'll reveal…
"Alright, Jane, that was my first secret. It's your turn."
This is not something he's looking forward to. His soul is private, impenetrable, and to bare it before Lisbon completely was never something he had anticipated on having to do.
He'd been able to skate by on half-truths for so long that he could hardly remember what the telling the truth actually entailed.
And she didn't just want the truth, she wanted a secret.
He was, by nature, a very secretive man. The illusionist always had to have a trick hidden up his sleeve, something guaranteed to shock and awe.
Jane was there…but he was without his sleeves. There was no trick he could pull that would distract his tenacious Lisbon.
God, he loved how fierce she was when she had someone within her grasp. He'd been brought to arousal on several occasions during the Volker case.
Lisbon would get this look in her eye, one that promised pain to anyone who got in her way, and then she would do what she did best: she'd go tackle some worthless son of a bitch and make him cry for his mother.
However, that was not the sort of secret that he wanted to spill right now. It wasn't the kind of secret that Lisbon would want to hear. She needed something more personal, something that had affected both of them on a profound level. And like she'd told him, she could be patient. Jane knew that this was one time that she could wait him out.
Well, she'd opened with Lorelei; Jane felt that it was only right that he counter with the same.
"Funny that you should mention Lorelei, Lisbon, I happen to have a secret about her concerning you myself."
He saw her perk up at the mention of Lorelei's name. It was her turned to be surprised anyway, they'd both gotten each other off guard a few times that night, but Jane felt that he was falling behind. This would help to even the score.
"What about Lorelei, Jane? I'm not sure that you have anything left to share about her that I would want to hear."
Privately, Jane agreed with her, but she was the one who had asked for a secret. "You may not want to hear it, Lisbon, but you're going to have to. It might even make you hate me again, so I'm going to do this quickly, like pulling off a Band-Aid."
He took a deep breath, preparing to open the wound. "IwantedyoutohatemeforadifferentreasonaboutLorelei. Iwantedyoutobejealous."
The shock that he'd worn on his face at the reveal of Lisbon's first secret was now mirrored on her.
"What was that, Jane? I'm pretty sure I got all that, but I need to be sure. You wanted me to be jealous?"
Jane could see the anger gathering on her face in the squint of her brows, in the compression of her lips."
"Just what the hell was I supposed to be jealous of, Jane? Why was I supposed to care if you were off fucking half of Vegas?"
He buried his face in his hands, his voice coming out muffled between his fingers, "I don't have a rational explanation for this, Lisbon. It was never even a conscious thought, just the whisper of one."
"What does that mean, Jane?! I was angry as hell! You disappeared for half a year, you didn't return my calls, and you didn't even send word that you were alive and not dead in a ditch somewhere.
"I was out of my mind with worry, Jane. And then you came waltzing back in, large as life, with another plan to go after Red John, and I was meant to fall in line and not ask questions like always. Now you're telling me that you wanted me to be jealous that you fucked Red John's girl?"
At this point, she was standing over him and yelling down at his bent head. Jane looked up at her and she could see the hurt and regret building in his eyes. Anger momentarily deflated, she flopped back down onto the sofa.
"You have to let me explain this without interrupting me, Lisbon. I don't think I can get through it if you do."
He waited until she gave her agreement before speaking again, "Like I said, it wasn't a conscious thought. I didn't sleep with her to make you jealous; I slept with her to get closer to Red John. But, when we were in that interrogation room, and she let slip that we had spent a night together, I wanted you to react like a woman, not like a cop. I wanted you to make a stand, to show your possession of me, show her that she couldn't break us apart.
"It was a fleeting desire brought on by momentary insanity, Lisbon. It's still there though, sitting in the back of my mind. I wish you'd been jealous of all the women that have shown any interest in me over the years. I knew I couldn't say that I belonged to you, and I knew that you couldn't say that I belonged to you. But, that doesn't mean that I didn't want to, or that I didn't want you to."
He can tell that she is shocked by his words, shocked by how possessive he had sounded.
Over the years, he'd gone out of his way to avoid such words, avoid voicing those feelings. However, that had never stopped him from feeling them. They were often there, sitting on the back of his tongue, eager to spring out when some strange woman's eyes lingered too long; or, when some man's pupils dilated at the sight of Lisbon commanding her troops.
He could feel more words, similar to the ones he had just given, boiling up the back of his throat. Jane knew that it was a consequence of suppression, his desire not to fell sometimes led to him feeling too much. But, he kept his mouth closed and waited for Lisbon to respond.
She began slowly, her confusion adding a tightness to her voice, "I don't really know how to respond to that Jane. You never―You never made any indication towards me, aside from that one time, so I couldn't―"
Jane shook his head in agreement, "I know, Lisbon. And I never would have given you one. I slipped up once, more than once actually, but I never went too far; I could always draw back."
His first secret had caused a pain in Lisbon that he had not expected, but it was a pain that was known to him.
The desire to reach out and be with another person in a more familiar way was something that he and Lisbon had been denied because of Red John.
"I was jealous, Jane."
Her admission is unexpected, but not unwelcome.
"Is that your next secret, my dear?" He allowed himself a small, smug smile. The thought of Lisbon being jealous over him was a fantasy that had kept him company through many lonely nights.
"Nope, just a thought I wanted to share. I mean, I wasn't about to turn into a raging mass of scorned woman over you, Jane. I think what I was jealous of was the way you sometimes shared yourself with other people. There were things that you kept from me that you so freely gave to others.
"It was like you were denying me something out of spite. I hated feeling like that, and then your silence about Lorelei didn't help out at all."
He shook his head in denial, "No, Lisbon; it was never out of spite, and there was quite a bit less sharing that you might believe. You've been the only one that I've ever given more to! Even my wi―"
Jane cut himself off and looked away, too ashamed to face her. Thankfully, Lisbon was feeling merciful and let that go.
"It's okay, Jane. I think it's my turn next. But first, more tea I think?"
He gratefully collected her cup and saucer and returned to the kitchenette. Soon the sound of boiling water filled the silence. Jane let the process of making their tea soothe over his recently opened wound.
That was one secret that he wasn't ready to tell Lisbon. It was a source of shame even greater than what he felt about his unconscious attempt to use Lorelei to make Lisbon jealous.
He brought Lisbon her tea and sat back down with no small amount of trepidation. His feelings were closer to the surface than they'd been for years, leaving him feeling raw and exposed.
He was appreciative of the breather that Lisbon's next secret would provide.
Jane was dragged back to the present by the sound of Lisbon clearing her throat.
She tried to smile, but fell short of her mark. Her attempt did not ease the sensation of heaviness in his stomach, in fact, it felt like he'd swallowed a large stone.
"Funny that you should mention jealousy, Jane."
He felt his stomach clench around the imaginary stone; this would be an unpleasant truth.
Author's Note Part Two: So, I'm thinking that I might bump up the rating of this story to 'M,' but I don't want to alienate any readers? Suggestions on how I deal?
