Disclaimer: I do not own The Mentalist. That honor goes to Bruno Heller, although he doesn't always deserve it.
Author's Note: I am so sorry for the delay in getting this chapter up! I was hit by a very sudden illness that I spent the weekend recovering from. Warning, this chapter is pretty dialog heavy. When Jane decides to bare all, he really bares all. Happy Memorial Day to all my American readers! To everyone else, Happy May 26th, or 27th (depending on your time zone)!
"I think I want to finish that thought that I cut off earlier. My wife, Lisbon, I don't think I ever really showed her who I was."
Lisbon go still beneath him at his words, as if the entirety of her body was now straining to hear his next.
Jane took a moment to put Lisbon back to rights before continuing. He regretfully withdrew his hand from Lisbon's pants and recovered her breast. He couldn't quite bear to button her shirt back up; he needed the contact of her skin on his to get him through his next confession.
He felt her fingers slide back into his hair, soothing him and drawing him down to lay his head on the breast he had just covered. Lisbon will probably never know just how grateful he is not to have to look her in the eye for this.
"I'm a trickster by blood and trade, Lisbon. My father raised me in his image just as his father did with him. There's a cycle to such things, my dear, and I thought that I had broken it.
"Angela and I ran away when were still just kids; I think we were in our early twenties. We had such simple plans for our future. Once you spend all of your life on the move, surrounded by the false fantasy and glamor of the carnival, a simple life sounds like heaven.
"So we ran. Well, not immediately. We had a small family ceremony, which you know the particulars of, and then we ran and ran until we were stopped by the ocean. We settled in Malibu because we'd heard that it was easy to find jobs there and that it was a good place to raise kids. We were both more than a little terrified due to the fact that somewhere between Reno and San Fran, we found out that Angela was pregnant."
Jane felt Lisbon's fingers clutch at his hair; he knew that he was giving her more than one secret with his confession, but all of it had to be told, or none of it would be.
He took the lull as an opportunity to shift them around on the sofa until Lisbon was facing the backrest and he was curled around her. He still needed the façade of anonymity provided by speaking to her back. This position had the added bonus of allowing him to hold Lisbon while feeling held himself.
"Yeah, Lisbon, I know the timing doesn't add up for that baby to be Charlotte. I'll get there, I promise."
Lisbon shook her head in assent, causing her hair to slide across his chest, and his arms tightened around her a little bit more.
"We lived out of a hotel room for a month or so, both of us working 40 plus hours a week to save up the money for a few months' rent on an apartment. I started bringing in some more money when I was recruited to sell ladies' footwear."
Jane felt a shudder run through Lisbon's body, and he knew that she was suppressing her laughter at the thought of him kneeling down before various women, offering up heel after heel, only to have each one rejected.
"Go ahead and laugh, my dear, but the money was decent, and I had steady, if slightly smelly, clients."
This time, a giggle escaped her and Jane let out a sigh of relief at the knowledge that some of the tension had eased. He was grateful for the emotional reprieve, but he was aware that the moment couldn't last.
"I was profoundly unhappy, Lisbon, even though I had everything I could possibly want, it wasn't enough. Until I had left the world of the mark and con behind, I didn't know how much I needed it to be me. The lie had become such a huge part of my identity that leaving it behind…damaged me, changed me, and not for the better."
The concept of the job being part of the very soul was one that he knew Lisbon had intimate knowledge of. She could no more stop being a cop than he could stop being a showman.
"I did my best not to let on to Angela. She was nervous enough about the baby, we both were, but she was distracted, so I managed to escape her notice. I continued to bury it; I think I buried it so deep that I forgot about it sometimes. I forgot about all of it until this client of mine came in with a friend and I―I slipped. I cold-read her by accident. And, just like that, I was back in."
Jane was sure that Lisbon had seen plenty of similar behaviors in recovering narcotics police from her time with the San Fran PD. It never took much for addicts, one hint of a hit and they were gone. He knew that he was no better.
"This friend of my client, she was wealthy, really wealthy. She wanted me on retainer, wanted to trot me out and have me perform for her friends. Angela and I needed the money and I…Fuck, I was desperate for the attention, starved for it. Angela begged me not to do it, she told me that we had agreed to leave that life behind us, but I waved her off. Promised her it wouldn't be forever, just until we'd saved enough money.
"I managed to convince myself that that was the truth, but not her. I didn't care, so I did it anyway."
He could barely bear to get the next part out, so he buried his face in Lisbon's neck, inhaling her scent, borrowing her strength to carry on.
"I was out, performing at some event for my client. I was hoping to snag an even bigger mark. That was a defining characteristic of my life, Lisbon; never being happy with what I had, but I never could have imagined what my selfishness could cost me. I never learn, Lisbon, I just let history repeat itself over and over!"
Jane felt her turn in his arms then. He was half-tempted to stop her; he was afraid of her seeing the tears on his cheeks and the shame in his eyes. He deserved condemnation for what he had done. So many things that he could not undo, words he couldn't take back…
However, Lisbon was a woman capable of infinite mercy. Jane let out a sob as she pulled him to her. He felt her kissing his lips and smoothing away his tears, and he heard her voice as if from a distance, whispering to him that was okay, he could tell her anything and it would be okay.
Jane's grip on Lisbon tightened even more and he kissed her back fervently. His kiss was full of desperation and she tasted like the sweetest forgiveness. He let Lisbon soothe him back into quietness and sanity.
God, I really don't deserve her, the thought was a sharp pain that jolted through his whole body, but I don't think I could ever let her go.
The next time Lisbon spoke, he heard her words loud and clear, "You don't have to say any more, Jane, we can stop this. It's okay."
He'd hid his face in her throat, trying to compose himself, but her words had him lifting his head back up.
"No, Lisbon, these secrets need saying. As painful as they are, they need saying."
She nodded and placed a light, sweet kiss on his lips; the softest benediction. "I'm listening, Jane."
Jane took a deep breath, steeling himself against the pain his next words would bring welling up.
"I got the call around midnight. I'd planned on staying over, so I had left the contact information with Angela. It was the hospital…they told me that Angela had suffered a miscarriage at work and that she was in emergency care. I dropped everything and ran. I don't think I said my goodbyes, I just ran.
"When I got to the hospital, she'd already been moved to another room. Lisbon, she looked at me and apologized, as if it had been her fault! I hate myself for making her feel like that because I knew that the fault was all mine. If I'd been there, if I'd bothered to notice how stressed and overworked she was, I might've…
"But no, I was a selfish bastard, and I went away to party while she suffered alone. The thing is, Lisbon, I knew I wouldn't be able to change back. I couldn't get another 9 to 5, I couldn't change for her even though she needed me to. But, I could drag her along with me.
"Instead of letting her dwell, I packed her up and moved her around. They said the best cure for grief was activity, and I was on the verge of making it; I couldn't sit still and I couldn't leave her behind. Surprisingly, we made it work. I was bringing in the money, and getting more recognition every day. Angela was recovering. We were talking. We hadn't really talked since we were little kids, but I was finally opening up to her.
"I still hid parts of myself away, though. The ugly selfishness, the darkness, my self-hatred, those things I kept back from her. I thought that if I shared enough of everything else that it wouldn't matter. And it seemed like I was right. We settled back in Malibu, bought a house, and found out that we were going to have Charlotte.
"What happened after is a matter of public record. But police reports and interviews won't tell you about the suicide attempts, the nervous breakdown, months spent wallowing inside my own head because I hated myself too much to go on. Red John gave me a purpose, Lisbon. And you, you helped fill in the rest."
Quiet descended on them again, neither of them knowing how to proceed.
It was Lisbon who broke the silence first, "If I we're going to continue lying down, we should probably move to your bed."
