What I Still Need
The clock ticked loudly and Clary gripped her head and willed it to stop. Every smell, every stimulus seemed to flood her. Those little things that had once been a common annoyance now were just too much. Clary twisted her hands in her hair and pulled praying that she wouldn't give in and scream or kill something, whichever came first.
Clary groaned and felt the tears beginning to streak down her cheeks as she resisted the urge to scream. Everyone who came in either wanted to help her or examine her and she was sick of it all. All she wanted was to feel normal again, to reach out and touch Jace the way she wanted to every moment without fearing that she would kill him. She'd done a good job keeping him at a distance for the last week, but the need for him was growing stronger.
The monster slowly taking her over wanted him too and she knew she couldn't resist him much longer. Every time he came close, every time he touched her and begged her to be the woman he loved with those golden eyes, she felt her resolve to get him as far away from her as possible weaken. The scent of him, the roughness of his talented fingers, the way he whispered her name almost undid her.
The door to the infirmary opened with a slow creak and Clary hunched under the covers and pretended to be asleep. She tried to regulate her breathing but she failed miserably. She felt his weight dip the mattress, knew it was him with some sixth sense that was so deeply ingrained inside her that she could never mistake him for anyone else. His gentle fingers tangled gently in her hair and stroked her cheek and she was lost. A fire burned inside her and with every minute he was around her she wanted him.
A dark voice filtered through her mind, prodding her to take what she wanted. Clary felt her fangs lengthen but bit into her lip instead of giving into the Dark urges that were nearly killing her. Jace's fingers smoothed her hair back and played among the lightening strands and she gasped despite herself. Her hair was now almost all blonde and her eyes were red most of the time but he didn't seem to mind. He still wanted her more than ever if his devotion and longing looks were anything to go by.
She rolled over and opened red eyes taking in the perfection that was Jace. She loved him so much it hurt but she wouldn't trade a second of knowing him. Jace smiled down at her and wrapped his fingers around a curl of her hair and tugged gently as his smile widened.
"My god" he said softly as he leaned closer "you're actually letting me touch you." His lips grazed hers and she felt her heat thump harder as he didn't pull away from her fangs. Instead he traced them slowly, sensuously with his tongue, careful not to get hurt. His body radiated heat and seemed to scorch her. She wanted him, wanted his heat with every beat of her heart. Her hands met his skin, palms to bare chest and she thought she would explode. He explored her mouth and sipped from her lips like it was manna from heaven.
"I don't know how to say no anymore" she said on a sad sigh "I know I could hurt you but I need you so much that I can't resist." She laid her head on his and deepened the kiss. She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him down on top of her. They both groaned at the sensation of his naked chest fitting so perfectly with her scantily clad one. Jace nudged her legs open and fitted himself against her, right where he wanted to be.
Clary moaned deep in her throat and pulled him closer. She anchored her hands in his hair and enjoyed the softness. She had never touched anything as soft as Jace's hair. She had never felt sensations so strong and now in this moment with him she could forget for a moment that a monster was knowing away at her bit by bit.
Clary ran her hands down his side and slid them down to the waistband of his pants, playing just inside the drawstring. Jace's breath hitched in his throat at her fingers tripping down his stomach and touched him where he had been dying for her to since the moment he came in tonight, hell if he was honest since the moment he'd met her.
Clary pushed him back on the bed and knelt beside him pulling the drawstring with her teeth. She looked up at him with flashing red eyes and waited for his reaction. Jace 's eyes nearly rolled back in his head at the feel of her breath on his stomach as she freed him.
Jace couldn't hold back anymore, His hands grabbed and made quick work of the shorts and tank she was wearing and in moments they were naked against each other. Clary's hands roamed over him and she did her best not to claw him with nails. Jace grabbed her almost blonde hair and pulled her head back so he could look into her eyes. She met his golden gaze regretfully and tried to look away but he refused to let her.
"You belong to me" he said roughly "no matter what, I love you." His eyes burned as he pulled her on top of him and opened her for him. He pulled her on him and they both gasped as he sat up with her on his lap. Clary dipped her head back exposing her throat. Jace growled and pulled her down hard burying himself inside her. They both moaned and she smiled as they made love, not able to stop herself from raking her nails down his back.
"I'm yours" she agreed breathily as they moved "Always yours."
"Damn right." He growled out as he wrapped his hand in her hair and pulled her head up, forcing her to look at him "and don't you forget it."
Clary growled in response and pulled him against her chest and locked her arms around him. He gasped and she moved faster enjoying his moans. Clary knew something was wrong when he kept gasping. She looked down and realized that her nails had dug into his shoulder and blood was pouring out. Jace's eyes were hazed over and his head was thrown back and Clary felt her heart shatter. She truly was a monster. She pulled back and sprang to the bottom of the bed wrapping the sheet around herself.
She throbbed from their lovemaking and the monster inside was smashing at the cage as it smelled blood. She backed away, not wanting to look at him, afraid of the disgust she would see in his eyes. She turned away and turned her back to him, not wanting to look at him.
Jace's head snapped up when she pulled away and he seemed surprised. He looked at the sheet wrapped around her and saw the blood on her nails. He knew what was going through her mind, but truth be told he hadn't even felt her nails dig in, he'd been so wrapped up in making love to her.
Clary's shoulders shook as she cried and Jace scooted down the bed and reached for her. She went to jump back but jace was ready for her. He caught her in his arms and turned her to face him. They slid to the floor together with him holding her on his lap straddling him. clary struggled but still wasn't able to get away. Jace took both of her hands and pulled them behind her back.
"Clary, it doesn't matter, I just want you, don't push me away again." The anger and the desperation in his voice broke her and she began to cry harder and shake her head whipping her light hair back and forth in denial.
"I hurt you." She ground out, "you have to leave, get away from me. This time it was your shoulder, next time I could kill you."
"It would be worth it" he snarled as he made her look at him "because to be honest I can't live without you one more day. So get used to it, I'm not going anywhere."
"But Jace" she started fiercely but he cut her off mid sentence with a fierce kiss and a tug on her hair.
"Just shut up" he growled as he let her hands go and kissed her deeper again. "Deal with it." Then he stopped her mouth with a kiss and she gave in and wrapped herself around him as they made love. She closed her eyes and fell into his touch and the movements of his body and in the silence she hoped she wouldn't be the death of them both.
