Tomorrow is my first anniversary. It makes me a little giddy to think about that. I know my parents thought I was too young to get married, but I reminded Mom that she had fallen in love when she was sixteen, so she couldn't say too much. Jake is the love of my life the way that Dad is the love of hers. We both worked out our tour breaks so that we could celebrate our anniversary in Nashville. Mom and Dad are hosting a little get together for us tonight, just family. Jake says he has something special planned for tomorrow. Swoon!
While I'm waiting for him to come home from the studio, I pulled out the wedding album. I love looking at the pictures and can't wait for us to have kids so I can share the album with them. The pictures are such a perfect representation of our perfect day. I can't help but smile from ear to ear as I look at all of them. The last picture in the album is the candid shot the photographer took in the brides' room right before the wedding started and my two dads walked me down the aisle. I remember the photographer apologized for not realizing what Sadie was doing until after he'd taken the picture, but he had thought it was such a nice shot, he'd saved it for me.
Sadie is my little sister, six years old now. My parents weren't planning to have another baby after they got married, but I think they were always a little excited that it happened. Daphne and me, though, not so much. I'm not sure I understand why Daphne was so upset about it. She never really talked to me about it, and after Sadie was born, it didn't matter anymore, because we both just loved her so much. I know that I had a hard time because of all the circumstances around when I was born. And seeing Mom pregnant and Dad being able to experience it all just, quite frankly, made me jealous.
My birth dad, Deacon Claybourne, didn't know about me until I was thirteen. And, of course, I didn't know about him either. He's an alcoholic and was in a really bad place when Mom got pregnant with me, so she didn't tell him and married my other dad instead. Teddy Conrad was the only dad I knew for all those years and he always loved me like I was his own. We all went through a lot of turmoil after the truth came out and, I guess, I realized I hadn't totally forgiven my mom when she got pregnant with Sadie. It didn't seem fair that the new baby was going to have Deacon for a dad from the moment she was born. And it really took me until she was born to get completely over it.
Somehow I thought when Mom married Deacon, that my whole life would be different. After all, Deacon was my real dad and he and Mom were soul mates. And Deacon was cool. So duh, right?
But no. Oh, right, at first it was awesome. Some of that was because it meant Luke was gone. He was okay, I guess, but once he asked Mom to marry him – in front of Daphne and me, with NO warning – things kind of went off the rails. He was a jackass – a word I didn't use back then, but I can now – a total, complete jackass. But not worth spending much time on.
Mom told me, a lot later, that Deacon – Dad – had come by the same night Luke proposed and told her he was ready to be her husband. And that even though she made him wait for her answer, she knew he was her endgame. My word, not hers.
But that day that Mom and Dad sat across from Daphne and me, holding hands and grinning like a couple of school kids, and told us Mom was pregnant, I felt like the honeymoon was over.
I thought back to the night that my jealousy and anger really came to a head. When I look back on it now, I'm embarrassed at what happened and I feel bad for how much I hurt both my parents. But that night, I was sixteen, and hanging out at my best friend Talia's house. There were no adults there and somehow word got around and a big party broke out. Some of the guys broke out the booze and lots of kids were doing shots and mixing drinks.
My parents had had a number of really serious talks with me about alcohol and reminded me that Dad was an alcoholic and that his father had been one too and that it could happen to me. The few times I'd been around alcohol, I hadn't had a problem avoiding it, but this time was different. I'm not sure exactly why, except that I'd been upset for so long about the baby and I was just tired of seeing my mom pregnant and my dad acting all excited about it. Mom and I had had a fight before I left, so when one of the girls fixed whiskey and Coke, I drank one. And I kind of liked it. But the Coke made it a little too sweet, so I drank a few shots of straight whiskey. I was surprised at how warm it felt going down and, after I got over the initial taste, I actually enjoyed it.
Clearly I drank too much. I was huddled over the toilet in Talia's bathroom when I heard Mom's voice. "Maddie!" I heard her shout. I closed my eyes. Then I heard the footsteps in the bathroom. "Maddie, get up!" She was standing right over me.
I looked up. She was standing there with her hands on her hips, her face all screwed up in a frown. All I could think about was that she had probably stormed through the house, calling all kinds of attention to herself, and not caring. And that she wouldn't care about embarrassing me. I wondered who had called her. She started to lean down and I waved her off. "Okay, okay," I slurred.
I still sat there, though, for a moment, willing my head to stop spinning. Mom grabbed my arm. "Get up, Maddie!" she yelled.
I shook her off and managed to stand, but had to steady myself against the wall. I glared at her. "I'm up," I said.
She grabbed my arm again and pulled me out of the bathroom. "Mom, stop!" I protested. She paid no attention, pulling me out past all my friends. I was vaguely conscious of music playing in the background, but what I remembered was the faces of my friends, either silently watching or smirking. I looked away as she pulled me out of the house.
When we got to the car, she opened the passenger door and pushed me in, then pulled the seat belt over me and fastened it. She slammed the door and I leaned against the cool glass and closed my eyes.
I could feel her get in, slamming her door. I looked at her as she pulled at the seat belt, her face grim, and fastened it. She looked over at me, her face red. "What the hell were you thinking, Maddie?" she asked, her voice deceptively calm.
I shrugged. "I was having a good time," I said.
"Getting drunk? Seriously? I can't believe, after everything we've talked about, that you would do something so stupid as let yourself get drunk."
I looked at her. "I didn't plan to get drunk."
She rolled her eyes. "Of course you didn't. How much did you drink?"
I shrugged. "I don't know."
"What did you have?"
I looked at her. Either she was swaying or I was. "Whiskey," I said.
She drew in a quick breath. "Why whiskey?" she whispered.
"No reason." I smirked. "I liked it though."
She turned away and didn't say another word until we got home. I started to open the door but she grabbed my arm. "Just know that your father is furious. And scared. And hurt. I can't believe you have put us in this position."
She was hurting my arm and I could feel tears, both from the pain and what she'd said about Dad. "I didn't mean to…." I couldn't finish.
"I'm not sure he can even look at you right now, Maddie," Mom said, her face a thundercloud of anger. "I don't think there's anything you could have done that would have disappointed him more." She sighed. "Me either, for that matter."
Mom got out of the car and headed for the house. I trailed behind her, not really wanting to face Dad. When I walked in, I saw him standing by the counter. He glanced at me briefly, then focused on Mom. His face looked so sad that it made me choke up.
"So she is drunk," Mom was saying. "She's grounded for the rest of her life." She turned and looked at me as she said that. "I'll put her to bed."
Dad just nodded, looking like he wanted to cry. I wanted to run to him and tell him I was sorry, but I knew better. He looked at me one last time, so disappointed, and turned to walk off.
Mom walked me upstairs and waited while I changed into my pajamas. She gave me Advil and put a bottled water on my night stand. I crawled into bed, my head pounding and spinning at the same time. She sat on the edge of the bed. "You're going to feel pretty bad tomorrow," she said. "I hope that helps you remember that you don't want to do this again." I turned my face away. "I'm so disappointed in you, Maddie," she said quietly. "Please don't ever do this again." I didn't say anything and finally she got up, turned out the light and walked out, shutting the door behind her.
I rolled over and hugged my pillow to my chest and cried.
The next morning I woke up because the sun came crashing down around me. I was also conscious of the fact that my head felt like a sledgehammer was beating on it. My mouth felt like it was full of cotton. Foul-tasting cotton. The covers suddenly were pulled off.
"Get up!" It was Dad and I could tell he was angry. I cringed. "Get up, Maddie! Now!"
I opened my eyes and he was standing over me, a furious look on his face. I groaned and rolled over. I could feel him lean on the bed, then grab my arm and pull. "Get up now!" What was up with pulling my arm?
"Why?" I whined into my pillow.
"We're going for a ride."
I looked back at him. "Please, no. Look, I'm sorry, Dad. I'll never do it again, but please…."
"Get out of bed, Maddie," he said, his voice low and steely. I didn't hear him sound like this often, so I rolled over and sat up, my head screaming in agony. I wanted to puke. "Get dressed and brush your teeth."
I got up and did what he said, fighting back tears. Then he took me by the arm – seriously, these two were merciless – and walked me out to his truck. Strangely nobody else was up, I noticed as we walked through the kitchen. He said nothing to me on the drive except when he pulled into McDonald's and ordered me an Egg McMuffin, telling me it was good hangover food.
I ate the sandwich silently and then closed my eyes and leaned back against the seat. I had no idea where we were going. When we finally stopped and Dad turned off the truck, I opened my eyes. The Egg McMuffin did seem to settle my stomach, but I decided not to mention that. It looked like we were in a park, but it was unfamiliar. "Where are we?" I asked.
Dad was silent. I turned to look at him. He was looking out the windshield, his face set, chewing his lip. When he finally started talking, his voice was low and quiet and he still didn't look at me. "Near here is the place where I nearly lost everything that mattered to me. Actually I would have told you that I did lose everything I loved. Everything I'd ever dreamed of having. I lost your mama, I screwed up my career and my reputation, I lost my best friend. Vince was knee walking drunk and killed himself running into a tree not far from here. The only reason I didn't die that night is because I wanted to stay at the bar and keep drinking. Everything that happened after that night caused your mama to give up and walk away." He paused and I could see tears roll down his cheek. "What happened that night cost me the chance to be your daddy from the beginning."
I felt a lump in my throat and tears formed in my eyes. "Dad," I started, but he held his hand up and shook his head firmly.
He started the car and we drove some more. He still wasn't looking at me, so I focused on the highway in front of us. Eventually we got off and drove down streets near 12South. He pulled over again. I looked at the road signs. Granny White Pike and Battlefield Drive. I felt a cold chill.
Again, he was quiet at first. Then he said, "Your mama could have died here. Because of my drinking. I may not have been behind the wheel, but I caused that accident as surely as if I had. This is where I really could have lost everything forever. Because of alcohol. It's really only by the grace of God that I have everything I have today. My family." He turned to look at me then. "I don't ever want you to be in that situation, Maddie. And you know it so easily could happen."
I lowered my head, tears streaming down my face. I felt so awful, disappointing him like this. "I'm sorry, Dad," I cried. "I never meant to do this to you. And Mom. I won't do it again. I wish I never had."
Dad took a deep breath and reached for my hand. When I looked up, his eyes were red and wet with tears. "Maddie, truthfully, I always thought one day you'd try it. You've always pushed boundaries, ever since you were little. You always had to try things for yourself. But I wanted to protect you from this. This was never the legacy I wanted to pass on to you. Just tell me why you did it."
I shrugged. "It was a party. All my friends were there. I don't know, really." I stopped. He looked so sad and hurt. I couldn't tell him about my own hurt. That I felt angry that he'd been such a mess that Mom turned away from him when she found out she was pregnant with me. That I was angry at Mom for never telling him, even after he showed her he could get better. And that I was angry at both of them because Daphne was pulling away and I didn't know why.
If only there wasn't this baby, everything would be fine.
But then when Sadie came, it had all changed. Daphne came home, I forgave Mom and Dad in my heart, and I promised Sadie I'd be the best big sister. That I'd protect her and keep her secrets and love her always.
I looked at her in that picture and I knew that we had never been more of a family than when she came into our lives. And now I was getting ready to celebrate my first wedding anniversary with all the people I loved. At the end of the day / Lord, I pray / I have a life that's good. I remembered the day we all sang that together for the first time – Dad, Mom, Daphne and me. It had felt like we were a family, even though that was before we officially were. The perfect song. I couldn't wait to teach it to Sadie.
