A/N: Hey everyone! After getting caught up with the new season I felt like I definitely needed to get to work on my own fic. Hopefully you guys enjoy this chapter.

Climbing On My Desire

Sookie scrubs hard. Hard enough her tan skin becomes red and angry. She wishes her pink loofah was a rock, one hard enough to absolve her sins. Even though the hot water has turned ice cold she doesn't stop scrubbing until she breaks skin. It's only a small patch located on her outer thigh, it can easily be hidden, but she's glad it happened. It's karma, it's what she deserves for being a cheating whore. More importantly she's a cheating whore who doesn't feel remorse.

Sookie wished she could feel guilt, feel that what she let happened, what she started was wrong, because it was. Yet that wasn't what she felt at all. She felt more guilt for not feeling guilty. For not wishing away Bill's caresses, for wishing she had been able to stay longer and not being forced to come back home. I'm going to hell.

Despite her ugly thoughts she manages to pull on one of her night gowns, one of the longer ones that reach just below her knees, and get herself into bed. It's not even an hour later when she hears the front door being opened and heavy steps coming up. She should tell Alcide the truth lay her sins at his feet and let him decide what comes next, but she's not that brave. She should break up with him and tell him it's over, after all if she can basically dry hump her ex then that is definitely grounds for separation right? But she doesn't have it in her to do that either. She's not sure what exactly happened with Bill tonight. Sure there was confessions and kisses and almost maybe sex going to happen, but what did that even mean? She wasn't sure and in all honesty adding an angry Alcide to the mix didn't sound like the right thing to do either. So naturally she opted for feigning to be asleep.

Thankfully Alcide either didn't notice or didn't care and after a kiss on her head he was passed out next to her. Sookie herself figured this was the best she could have hoped for.


"How was your night with Tara?"

"What?" She almost stabs herself with her fork full of eggs before she catches herself. Play it cool, play it cool.

"Last night?" She's so glad in this moment that she's the mind reader in the relationship.

"Oh," She's about to say "good, fine," anything that sounds plausible, but then she remembers his super human smelling abilities. "She actually didn't show up." She figures this is the safest route to take, telling the truth, without telling the whole truth. No reason to not find Tara's scent here if she never showed up.

"Oh I'm sorry I know you were looking forward to a girls night."

"It's fine, we'll figure something else later."

"Hope you weren't too lonely last night."

"Nah don't worry about me. I've lived alone a long time, last night was nothing." He grimaces at her words and she knows she said something wrong.

"That's all in the past you got me now." His words are laced with such sincerity and determination that all she can do is offer up a small smile before finishing her breakfast in silence.

It takes another ten minutes for him to leave after that and they're brutal. She wants to push him out the door and just make him leave because she needs to think. Needs to think about everything that happened last night and figure out what that meant and what it means for tonight. Finally when she hears the truck roar to life and leave she exhales in relief.


Her knees and shoulders ache while her hands have gone dry from constant glove usage, but ultimately it's worth it. Her floors are shining and her windows are gleaming even the ones on the second floor. It took her all day to finally get her home to feel clean but she figures it was time well spent. After realizing thirty minutes into her contemplation of the Bill sort of affair situation she knew she wasn't getting anywhere with it. Yes he bit her, yes he kissed her, yes he took of her shirt, yes he apologized for recent wrongdoings…. But what did that mean? Was he just trying to make amends and got caught up in the sex/feeding that happened with almost all vampires? While she didn't believe that she also was afraid to think of what might be the other option. Did he still love her? Was that even possible? She didn't want to delve into that can of worms, so instead she cleaned. Cleaned her house until it looked like how she wanted to feel.

Looking at the clock she realizes there's only two more hours left until sunset, giving her little more than an hour and a half to shower, eat, and head over to Bill's. She almost doesn't want to go. If I don't he will just forget, he'll apologize and get over it. She knows he will, if she wants to brush it under the rug she knows he will comply to her wishes and not force the situation. But she wasn't sure if she could handle that. If she could leave it as a moment of crazy and move on with her life. She knows that she initiated what occurred last night, and she has to take responsibility for it. Feeling more resolved about what's going to happen she heads upstairs to start getting ready.


She's cutting it close but still she manages to cross the cemetery just before the sun sets. She easily opens the unlocked door and heads to the living room trying to pull herself together before Bill and Jessica rise. She tugs on her short denim shorts and flowy pale green shirt in apprehension. Though she didn't want to look like she had tried to look good, she also didn't want to look bad either. Still perhaps she looked to plain?"

"Hi Sookie!" The enthusiastic red head that was suddenly next to her cut off any future fashion thoughts she might have had.

"Hey Jessica, headed to the restaurant?"

"Yeah but after closing I'll be at Andy's." Sookie nodded, realizing how serious young vampoire was taking her pledge to guard Adilyn.

"Good luck."

"Thanks, you too." With a wink that surely meant that Jessica knew a little too much, she left.

"You're here?" Glancing up quickly, Sookie realized that Bill was at the living room entrance.

"I… am I not supposed to be here?" For a moment panic overtook her and she felt like a fool.

"No!" With a blur he moves to her side. "I just… I am glad you're here." She can help but smile at him.

"Good." The silence that ensues is stilted and awkward, she hates it. "Can we talk?"

"I think we should." He leads her to the couch where they sit close, but not too close.

"I'm sorry about last night. Kind of."

"Kind of?"

"I shouldn't have done that, I've pushed you away and it's not fair to pull you in when I'm not free. That said… I can't bring myself to regret what I did. That's must make me a horrible person but it's the truth."

"I don't think you're horrible."

"Well that's good to know." She tries to smile but knows it comes out like a grimace.

"But perhaps I should be apologizing, despite my wants I should have respected your relationship." His contrite demeanor and words softened her heart a bit if only because he was always trying to take blame for things that weren't his responsibility to. Even though it was a kind gesture she had to push him away from those thoughts. They weren't healthy and it always felt burdensome when he tried to take responsibility for her actions.

"No, don't. I started it I kept going and I should be the one who worries if it was right or wrong because of my relationship. That's not anything you should feel guilty about. But if you feel guilty because it meant nothing to you then you should tell me now." She steeled herself for the truth. Perhaps he didn't want her? Maybe she was just food?

"Sookie, you could never not mean anything to me." His words assuage her fears but still she knows there is a lot more to discuss.

"I thought I was done with you. I wanted to be done with you."

"I know, you deserve to be happy and I have wronged you in so many ways."

"That's the thing, I know. Everything you did to me, I know now. So I thought for sure I would get over you."

"Did you?"

"If you didn't realize last night it's not going very well."

"I must admit I'm glad."

"Are you?"

"Very. I know don't deserve you, don't have any right to still even want to be by your side, but I can't help it. I have wronged you in everyway possible and still I want to see you smile at me." There was a part of her that delighted in how broken he sounded, that knew he deserved to feel guilty about all the pain that he caused her. Yet there was another part that couldn't distinguish the happy and bad times and just wanted to forgive for everything just so that he wouldn't have to suffer. She knew both extremes were bad choices so she settled for something in the middle.

"You've hurt in the worst ways possible. I can forget that, can never completely get over it. At the same time I don't hold onto that forever, because you were my first love Bill. There was so much loved and that just made everything hurt more, but how do you get over that how do you just move on? I can't let go of you and I don't want to." She admitted it all because it helped. Despite everything talking to Bill always helped, even when she was confused about Bill himself.

"What does that mean for us?" Of course he would look to her for answers, she was the one that had opened the flood gates for them to even be talking about it. This was it, her last chance to close the Bill door behind her forever. She can answer that it means nothing and move on with her life, move on with Alcide. Or she can let her life spiral out of control once more, let herself free fall into the abyss.

"I… I can't promise you a future right now. But I want to feel happy again." She can't help but answer as truthfully as possible. Bill's eyebrows furrow and she knows she's given a cryptic answer without meaning to, so she decides to be more forward with it. As quick as humanly possible she moves closer to him and without trying to think about anything besides what her heart and body want she leans forward and kisses him.

It takes a second but soon enough he's kissing her back, and so she falls into the abyss. It's not as frantic as last night but it's not slow and loving either. It's a kiss that's forging and unknown future. It's not until he's peppering her neck with kisses that she realizes that she hasn't fed him yet.

"Bite me." She feels him hesitate for a moment and so she threads her fingers through his dark hair to hold him still. "Do it, please." Thankfully he complies and she can get lost in the sensation. It's different from the night before, while last night felt like it was her last time that she could truly enjoy the bite, enjoy feeling Bill's fangs bury themselves into her flesh and drink from her, tonight felt like it was old times. When biting and sex wasn't always intermingled. When she could freely admit that his bite was enjoyable without feeling like a trashy fangbanger. It wasn't completely the same but it felt similar enough that it was enjoyable.

A couple of sips later she feels him remove his fangs and seal her bite marks. Instead of the usual thank you he places a soft kiss on her skin. Pulling away from her he faces her with a half smile.

She wants to kiss him again, wants to straddle him and let her imagination run wild, but she knows its late and she doesn't need Alcide getting the idea to come looking for her.

"I need to go home."

"I know."

It takes them a couple of minutes but the finally make it off the couch and out the door. It's not until they're halfway across the cemetery that she remembers she didn't even wash up tonight. Too late for that, oh well. When they reach the edge of her property, like always, Alcide can be seen waiting on the porch.

"Till tomorrow?" Bill's voice is soft enough she can barely hear it but she offers him a discrete smile and a nod of her head, hoping it's enough.

As she walks the length of her yard by herself she feels her stomach drop. Alcide's smiling face and a cup of hot chocolate in his hands finally become clear and she knows that this is what a fallen woman feels like.

Even as she steps onto the porch she looks back one last time only to see that Bill has left and has probably been gone for a while. Still she plasters a smile on her face.

"I'm home." Alcide's smile only solidifies what she has thought all along, yes I am most definitely the worst.

A/N: What do you guys think? Please review and tell me, I love feedback!