Note: In the SOA universe, it is sort of hard to track down the characters ages. For instance, some references say that Jax was 29 when Abel was born. Others say 30 to 31. When Abel was taken to Belfast, Jax said he was 10 months old. This means that by the time Jax got out from Stockton, Abel is slightly over two years old. Thomas is apparently still under one, even though Gemma, Tara and Jax have hinted that Abel is about 3 years old.
Given that I am slightly anal about certain things, I was trying to figure out how old my Jax and Tara are and the children. For the purpose of this story, Jax and Tara are both respectively 38 years old. Abel is about to turn 8, Thomas is 6 and Sadie is 2. :) Hope that clarifies some lose ends for you guys.
For those who are not familiar with the United States judicial system, after being accused of committing a crime, defendants aren't necessarily trialled right away. Sometimes, it takes years for a case to hit the court room. So, this chapter is a massive jump from the last one.
For this story, I will have one or two more chapters, then I will done. Thanks for all who R&R. You continue to be my inspiration.
XOXO
Chapter 5
For the millionth time, he wished he had a cigarette. Shit, he hasn't smoked in years, however, he now had the sudden urge to light up to release all the pent-up stress.
"I wish you wouldn't do this," he said, hoping to change her mind. He looked up and saw Tara flipping calmly thru a magazine, one leg crossed over another.
"You have said that a couple of times," she continued flipping thru the damn magazine and he swore that her blasé attitude was really getting under his skin. Taking a couple of breaths before continuing, Jax looked at his wife.
"Babe, I just don't think this will do you any good."
Tara threw the magazine down in the coffee table in front of her. Her green eyes connected with his and he knew that she wouldn't back down.
"Jackson, I need to do this." She stood and he swore that even though they were close to forty years old, Tara was still the most beautiful woman in the world. Her hair was styled in an elegant French twist. Her make-up was minimal and she had accessorized her black Ralph Lauren suit with elegant pearls that belonged to her mother. Her black stilettos also made her legs look longer than what they were. Tara's attired screamed class, confidence and sexiness.
Tara sat next to him and gently grabbed his hands.
"Baby, I need to do this for me, for us, for our babies. I need to close this chapter in our lives. I don't want to live the rest of my life with this dark shadow looming over us." She brought his hands to her lips. She placed a small kiss and looked into his eyes. "Please, Jax, understand this. I need you to understand this."
He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "I'm trying to, babe." Jax sighed and opened his eyes.
"Do you regret it? Returning to Charming when you did?" His heart pounded as he awaited for her answer.
He looked over at Tara.
"No. I wouldn't have had the kids if I would had stayed in Chicago. I wouldn't have you." She paused before continuing. "Do you?"
Jax looked down at his hands. "Sometimes I wish you would had returned sooner. Other times, I wish I would had left with you, back when you got into USD."
Tara leaned over to him and he wrapped his arm around her shoulders.
"Sometimes, I wonder that too," she whispered. "But Jax, I love you so much, baby. You have given me so much. Everything happened the way it was suppose to. All the things we went thru has made us stronger. What happened in Charming, made us stronger. What happened the day Sadie was born, made us stronger. What happens today, will make us stronger. Babe, you got to believe that."
Jax peered down and looked into her eyes. For the first time since Tara agreed to do this, he felt an eery calm spread throughout his body.
"Ok," he whispered as he got lost in her eyes.
She smiled and pulled his face for a kiss.
He could not believe his eyes when he first walked into the chambers. He had left Tara with one of the courtroom clerks and made his way to the courtroom slightly before the trial began. He did not expect to see anyone sitting in the prosecuting side with him but he more than welcomed the people sitting in the first row of the benches.
Bobby, Chibs, and Lyla were sitting in one of the benches looking incredibly out of place. Bobby and Chibs had enough sense to leave their kuttes where they were staying and Lyla had on the shortest, black dress imaginable, her legs fully in display.
Walking over, Jax felt the tears dwell in his eyes. All three stood and Jax hugged all of them a sense of relief spreading across his body.
He hugged Lyla the longest and he felt her shake as a small sob escaped her lips. He had not seen her since Opie's funeral and he could only imagine how lost she must have felt after Gemma got arrested. Being the only woman that was not a croweater left in the Samcro universe must have been hard. He heard that she stopped performing in front of the cameras and was strictly behind it as head producer at Redwoody, a porn studio opened by the remaining members of Samcro. Kenny told him that once, when he called to check up on Opie's kids. Sometimes, he and Tara discussed having Opie's kid come and visit them for a summer. The opportunity never really presented itself but Jax would bring up the subject to Lyla before the trial was over.
Pulling away from her, Jax gave her a small smile and wiped the tears from her eyes. "It'll be ok, darling."
She nodded and looked down to the floor. "I just wished he was here. I wish he would had gotten out in time."
"So do I, doll." Jax squeezed her shoulders in reassurance.
Jax motioned for them to sit and they got as comfortable as one could get in such quarters. He knew that his friends were incredibly uncomfortable in their setting given the life they lived and if he were to be honest with himself, so was he. Although he was no longer an outlaw, part of him would always live by the outlaw code-its all he has ever known. For the majority of his life, he lived on the other side of things. It was hard for him to be on this side of the law. But like Tara said, this had to be done for his family's sake.
He felt her in the room as soon as he walked into the chamber, he, however, tried his hardest to ignore her as he greeted his visitors from Charming. When he sat down and waited for the proceedings to begin, he allowed for his eyes to wander to her.
Her shoulders were hunched and her hair was cut very short, into an unflattering shag, the blonde streaks long noted that her hands were folded in front of her. Her once perfectly manicured nails were short without any sort of color. The rectangular glasses on her face, made her look older. Her attire almost made him scoff. Instead of the lace and leather that he was accustomed to seeing her in, she had a white, pressed blouse and black slacks.
He clenched his hands. The hatred he felt for Gemma was something he never thought he would ever feel towards his mother. She nearly killed his wife and daughter for her own selfish reasons. Opie said it once when they were teenagers, Gemma only looked out for Gemma. All the bad shit that ever happened in his life could be traced back to her doing. His father's death, Tara's hand...even Piney's and Opie's death.
She must have felt his stare since she turned slightly to look over to where he was sitting. In her eyes, he saw the remorse and sadness. With her eyes, she begged him to forgive her for all her wrong doings. He saw her lips tremble as she mouth the word "please."
He gave her one last glare before turning his eyes towards the front, where the courtroom clerk announce the entrance of the judge.
He continued dry heaving even though he had empty the contents of his stomach a few minutes earlier.
When he felt this stomach relax, he leaned back against the stall and closed his eyes.
They have been in trial for a couple of hours and hearing the opening statements made by both attorneys was hard. Harder than what he initially thought. To hear the prosecuting attorney describe Tara's attack had his stomach turning. Luckily, Lyla held his hand thru the whole thing. He had to let go of her hand when the defense started with their statement. He felt outraged to hear that they were planning on using the temporary insanity defense, hoping to get Gemma off her crimes.
All his anger was dissipated when Tara got on the stand and started testifying. With each answer, he felt his heart breaking even more. The prosecutor started off by asking questions about Tara's upbringing and her association with Samcro. To hear her relive all those horrible years growing up with a drunk, dead-beat father, was hard on him. It was harder to hear her admit that one of the reasons why she stuck around Samcro for so long was because they gave her the illusion of a family she always wanted and in a sense needed. She admitted that initially, Gemma was like the mother she never had. Tara was so desperate to have some form of family that she rode out much of Gemma's manipulations in order to be with him.
It was her desire to be a doctor and save lives that won out in the end thus resulting in her abrupt departure to San Diego. Tara explained how empty she felt without Jax but she knew deep down that she had to accomplish her dreams. She knew that she had to move forward because if she would had stayed in Charming, she would had resented the club. She then proceeded to tell the gallery about her return to Charming and her instant reconnection with Jax. How their love and their love for Abel allowed them to form a bond stronger than what they experienced as teenagers.
She alluded to her fear of raising a child in the chaos of Charming. She explained how her fears increased tenfold once she found out she was pregnant with Thomas. By then, Tara was in tears and she had to take a couple of breaths in order to calm herself.
She admitted that for over a year, she rely heavily on Gemma to guide her in the outlaw world. She didn't have Jax because he was in Stockton and the only person she had was Gemma. The club members were too busy with club business and the staff at St. Thomas did not understand why a prestigious surgeon would involved herself with such nefarious people. Tara admitted that she felt isolated and out of place in both worlds. She felt like an actress playing a part each time she was in either world. It was during those fourteen months that they became close-so close that Gemma cut the umbilical cord when Thomas was born.
When Gemma found out that Jax and Tara had other plans larger than Samcro, she did everything possible to keep her only son in Charming even though it meant alienating the woman, she claimed she loved like a daughter. Tara talked about the letters-the letters John Teller wrote before his sudden death. Tara depicted John's fear of being killed off by his wife and his best friend. She knew that the truth would destroy Jax and pull him deeper into the anarchy so she made the decision to keep the letters a secret from Jax.
She kept the secret from Gemma for over a year, however, Gemma found out about the letters and told her former husband. Tara looked down at her hands when she told the gallery about confiding that secret to Piney, the man who often stood up for her when her father would beat her senseless. Piney did not like the road that Clay was taking the club so he threatened to expose the truth if Clay didn't change his ruthless tactics. She admitted feeling guilt when Piney was killed by Clay, who desperately wanted to keep John's death and his own involvement from the club.
The part that broke his heart was when Tara started talking about her hand. While in college and the years afterwards, Tara made sure to take care of her surgical hands. When the van door crushed her hand, everything else went out the window. All her hopes and dreams seemed lost. All that hard work and dedication for nothing. She struggled at this part often pausing between sentences to collect herself.
Tara admitted that the first years away from Charming were hard on her relationship with Jax given that he had to be introduced into a normal society where outlaw rules did not apply. But, throughout the struggles and hardships, they made it together due to their compliment to their boys. She briefly described their intimate wedding, a small smile forming. She looked at Jax when she talked about their joy pending Sadie's arrival.
She kept going on until they got to the part of Gemma's attack. She vividly describe feeling the carving fork piercing her stomach repeatedly. How she screamed for her to stop, begging for the life of her unborn child but Gemma was relentless, stabbing her over and over again until she lost consciousness.
It was at this point that Jax walked out of the courtroom, the bile pushing against his mouth.
He angrily wiped the tears from his face.
So much lost for so little.
"Jax?"
Jax stood and flushed the toilet. He open his stall door. Lyla was leaning against the sinks, the mascara streaks visible in her cheeks.
She rushed to him and hugged him tightly, constantly whispering, "I am sorry," as he sobbed onto her shoulder.
He cried on her shoulder and how he wished she were Opie.
"Jax, she needs you," Lyla whispered as he slowly calmed down.
They pulled away from one another and she started running the sink water for him. He splashed some cold water on his face.
The water felt refreshing. Lifting his face, he stared at himself in the mirror. He saw the weariness behind his eyes.
"She needs me," he said mostly to himself more than to Lyla.
Standing straight, Jax walked out of the bathroom, Lyla following closely behind.
"Thomas, please stop jumping on the bed!"
Jax kissed the top of Sadie's head, trying to hide his smirk, as Sadie babbled about her princess dolls on top of his lap.
His youngest son jumped off the bed and in record speed made it to the table provided by the hotel.
For Gemma's trial, they had to travel to the nearest city, which was nearly two hours away from their new home. Shortly after Sadie turned one, both he and Tara decided to move out of their first home in Connecticut into something bigger and more spacious. This resulted in them moving deeper into the state and further away from any major cities. Life in their new home was peaceful and full of amazing memories, however, the dark cloud that was Gemma's pending trial loomed over their family.
When they finally got a court date, Tara suggested for them to stay in a hotel suite until most of the trial was over, with them traveling back to their home during the weekends. Going back and forth between their home and the city would take too much of their time and the kids were on summer break. So, instead of shuffling the kids between places for four hours of the day, it was best for them to stay in a suite for five days out of the week.
Luckily for he and Tara, they were able to hire their neighbors' daughter as a babysitter with the condition that she had most of the nights off to explore and hang out with the local crowd. For the most part, the kids loved being in the city, especially Thomas, who seemed to have an endless energy to his soul that caused him to be restless for the majority part of the day. A part of him fear that Thomas's restlessness and impulsiveness would eventually lead his youngest son into a dark path. Both he and Tara tried to shelter and protect their children from all the bad, however, Thomas was a wildcard. He didn't know were Thomas would land in twenty years.
Abel was another story.
Jax looked over to where Abel sat. His eldest son looked so much like Jax's dead brother Thomas, that at times he felt his heart constrict when thoughts of his brother's sudden demise plagued his mind. As much as Abel was a Teller in all physical aspects, his personality was so much like Tara that Jax sometimes felt like inwardly, Abel was Tara's carbon copy. Reserved and observant, both mother and son often reflected before acting. Abel used art as self-expression. In those rare moments were he and Abel were in the house alone, Jax often ventured to his son's room, to find Abel quietly painting, his concentration absolute. Abel was generally so quiet that at times, Jax worried that Abel's early years traumatized the hell out of his kid. Tara thought otherwise. To her, Abel's turbulent childhood manifested itself in Abel's sensitive nature. She insists that Abel often sees what others cannot, making her son an exceptional artist. Abel's sensitivity was a gift not a hinderance, Tara always said.
Then there was his baby girl. His Sadie. Although he loved all his children equally, Sadie and Jax shared a special bond. Much like Tara did with Abel during his first couple of months, Jax took care of Sadie for the first couple of weeks of her life. Since he was not able to do that with Abel and Thomas for different reasons, Sadie was the only child that he genuinely bonded with shortly after birth. Sadie's personality was a perfect mixture of his and Tara's. Sassy and extroverted, Sadie was quick to put anyone in their place even though she was merely two years old. On the other hand, she inherited Tara's grace and compassion and love of healing. It was not uncommon for Sadie to bring in some stray animal that she found in their backyard. If it were up to his daughter, they would have the Bronx Zoo right in their living room and not think anything of it.
He kissed his daughter's head one more time and looked over at his wife, who was laughing at something Thomas said. Abel was silently shaking his head as he lovingly looked at his little brother, a small smirk that resembled his own plastered across his face.
His wife who had been thru so much. Tara, who never gave up on their love, even when he was heading towards the darkest of paths. He had to make it right by her even if it was the last thing he did.
He always hated enclosed spaces. He was not claustrophobic but there was something about being enclosed within four walls that always made his skin crawl. Perhaps that's why he would always prefer motorcycles over cars.
So to avoid thinking too much of where he was at, he looked at his folded hands. He tried thinking about what he would do this weekend with the kids. He thought about taking them to the Mystic Aquarium or even Block Island, where he and Tara could sunbathe while the kids played by the beach. Tara. His beautiful wife, who had given so much to be with him. He would make it up to her, though.
The buzzer went off and the maximum secured door opened. He looked at his mother as she was led in to the room and the guards cuffed her to the table in front of them. He muttered a thanks to the guards and locked eyes with the woman who birthed him.
From afar, he knew that she had aged tremendously but up close, it was worst. The sleepless nights had taken a toll on her and she no longer had the blunt edginess that made even the hardest criminals tremble in her presence.
He wiped the table with his hand.
"You must wonder why I am here and I am going to keep it short," he started off, trying to reel in his anger.
"Do' she know, you are here?" she asked, gently folding her cuffed hands in front of her.
"No," he answered curtly. The trial wasn't suppose to start until after lunch that day and Tara had taken the kids, Bobby, Chibs and Lyla around the city. He told them that he wanted time for himself to excuse his absence. None of them thought twice about his lie. If Tara knew where he was at, she would have a few things to say. Best no one knew for the meantime.
Gemma scoffed. "I am surprised, son. For a minute there it seemed that she had your balls in a vice. " She leaned back in her chair. "You were always weak for women. Inherited that from John. Always weak for women," she muttered.
"Tara is my wife not some whore from the street or a croweater from the clubhouse."
"I knew I lost you the day she came around. You closed off; shut me out. You talked only to her even though I was your mother."
"Is that why you tried to kill her? Thought she replaced you in my life."
Gemma looked straight at him. "She betrayed me. She betrayed the club when she took you away from Charming. Did you forget the code we live by? Rats must die. She is a rat in the worse of ways. She clouded your judgment with all this 'normal life' talk when we both know where you belong. You belong at that table. The table that your father and I worked so hard to build. She destroyed your legacy. And for what? So you could play house somewhere in this dead state?" She scoffed again. "She is a rat. She took you away from me. She took you away."
By the time she finished her tirade, Gemma's gaze had glazed over. She slowly started rocking in her seat and kept muttering, "she took you."
"You talk about legacy and where I belong." Gemma looked over at him. "What has that table brought to my life except tragedy? Where do you want me to start the list? With Half-Sack? How about Kozik? Piney? Opie? How about my father?" He saw Gemma flinch. "Right, you wouldn't care too much about JT, would you? After all, you had him killed."
"I did what I had to do to protect the club! When my Tommy died, JT lost himself in Irish pussy instead of being a man and being there for his family. Instead of being you, me and JT, it was you, me and the club. The club became my family. I did what I had to do to protect my family. I did what I had to do to keep us whole."
Jax shook his head. "That's exactly what Tara did. She kept her family whole by keeping our kids away from the club. And I did what JT couldn't do. I was a man and moved my family away from your beloved and poisonous town. I kept my family safe and whole."
Gemma scoffed. "Tell me something, Jackson. How happy are you really? Working a 9-5, sex with doctor pussy twice a week, recitals and PTA meetings. Sounds dull. I know you, Jax. Half of me is in you. I know you miss it. I know you miss the open road, the free booze and pussy... the brotherhood. I know you miss it everyday. Ten years down the line, you are going to resent the great Tara Knowles for holding you back. For keeping you from your fate. From your destiny."
Jax looked into his mother's eyes, the hardness and madness clear in her eyes.
"Do you remember the day I was born?" he asked quietly.
The question threw her off. "Yes, I do," she answered, her eyes momentarily softening at his inquiry.
"What did you feel when the docs put me in your arms?"
Gemma smiled. "I felt unconditional love for you, Jax. I knew you were mine and that I would do anything for you. I didn't want you to grow up like I did. Rose was one hell of a bitch as a mother. I wanted to love you and give you the family I never had. That family is Samcro."
"Funny that you say that, Gemma. I never had the chance to carry Abel when he was first born. Then I was in Stockton when Thomas was born. I didn't get to carry him either. That shit killed me. Not being there for my sons in their first couple of hours after being born. When I got out of Stockton, I promised Tara that I would be there for the next. That, for once, I would put our family above the club. Tara and the boys were my family, Gemma.. That's why I left. Cause I couldn't bare having my sons hate me as much as I hate you."
Gemma flinched.
They were silent for a few moments. Gemma's lips trembled. "You can't hate me, Jackson," she whispered.
Jax leaned forward. "I do hate you. You have taken so much from me, Gemma. You took my father. You took my youth. You almost took Tara and my daughter. Do you know how great it feels to see my sons and daughter laugh and be carefree children? To witness the extent of their innocence? How great it is to go home and know that I won't find a dead body in the middle of my kitchen? Do you know how amazing that feels? To know that 20 years from now, I'll be alive to see my kids graduate college and graduate school and have kids of their own. To know that I don't have to constantly look behind by back, worrying if I will make it home to my kids and wife?" he leaned back and looked at his mother.
"I tried to move past my hate but I can't. Every time I look in the mirror, I am reminded of what you took from me. I know I could never forgive you for all that you have done and that's my burden to carry. A burden that Tara will help me carry. As much as I want to fool myself into believing that I will be normal, I know better. I know that part of me will always be outlaw. I can't help that but I could help my kids. I could keep them away from all the bad shit I grew up with. I am going to do what you failed to do. I am going to protect them. I am going to be the parent you never were. I am going to protect them from the worst of evils, even if that evil is myself. That is what being a parent is. Being a parent is being selfless when it counts. To sacrifice even the most important of things for your kids and their happiness. Yes, I wish I were in the club but I am sacrificing my happiness for their own."
He didn't realize he was crying until he taste the tears in his lips. "What you did is unforgivable, Gemma. You nearly destroyed everything I value. Why? Cause you do not have an ounce of selflessness in you. If you did, you would have never agreed to kill JT, leaving me fatherless. If you did, you would had let me go back when I was nineteen. You don't love me. You love yourself. A true parent would never cause their kid so much pain."
He stood and looked at his bewildered mother. "Hopefully, after this trial, I never have to see you again."
He leaned in until his nose was nearly touching hers. "And if you ever come near my fucking family, I will kill you," he whispered menacingly.
He had spent the last hour walking around a park near the courthouses. He let his thoughts drift to Gemma and their confrontation. He wasn't lying when he said he hated her. He did.
He shoved his hands in his pocket as he continued to walked around. Part of him wanted to forgive and forget, however, is it possible to forgive someone who has caused so much hurt?
"Able to save my sons..."
Jax looked to his right and saw a homeless lady with a shopping cart sitting in one of the park benches.
"Excuse me?" he questioned as he got closer to her.
She looked up and gave him a grin, her face covered in filth. "Able to save my sons," she muttered again.
Jax gave her a small grin and continued on his way. He headed towards the courthouses. As he walked forward, he glanced back to where the homeless lady was sitting.
She was no longer there.
By the time he got to the courtroom, Tara, Lyla, Chibs and Bobby were waiting outside the room for him. Giving Tara a quick peck, he greeted the rest with a hug.
They chatted for a bit until one of the court guards motioned for them to come in.
"Can you give us a minute, please?" Tara held his hand, pulling him slightly away from the door.
The rest of the gang went inside, while Tara turned to face him.
"How was your meeting with Gemma?" Tara asked point blankly.
Jax tried to mask his surprise as much as possible but Tara gave him that look that told him he better not even think of denying it.
He hung his head slightly and sighed deeply. He felt her arms wrapped around his waist. "Hey, Teller?"
Jax rose his head and looked into her eyes.
"Yeah?" he whispered as Tara pressed her body closer to his.
"I love you," she kissed him gently before pulling away. "I will always love you, Jackson Nathaniel Teller."
He felt his heart flutter against his chest. "I love you too, Tara Grace Knowles-Teller."
She gave him a small smile and kissed his nose.
Everything was going to be okay, he thought.
"Your Honor, the defendant would like to address the court."
Jax looked at Tara. She grabbed his hand and squeezed it tightly against hers.
"We will be ok, babe," he whispered.
He saw Gemma stand, her back towards them.
"You may speak," the judge granted.
"Your Honor, I would like to start by saying sorry for wasting your time and the jury's. The truth in the matter is that I am solely responsible for the attack on Dr. Tara Knowles and her unborn child. I went to her home and attacked her with a carving fork with the hopes of avenging my only son's departure from my hometown." Gemma took a deep breath and turned around to look at Tara.
"Tara, I am so sorry for what I did," her voice started breaking. "As a mother, I know you did what you thought was best for my grand babies. My love as a mother did not allow me to see that you were doing the same thing I would do. I wanted to keep my baby close without realizing the damage I did to my son. I was blinded by rage and hatred towards you. I am so deeply sorry and I hope one day you could forgive me."
Her gaze turned to Jax. "Jackson, I know you hate me. And I know you will never forgive me for nearly killing the woman you have loved since you were sixteen and your baby. I know you think I am a heartless bitch but everything I did was because I love you. Please never doubt my love for you as a mother. My love as your Mom is the only thing I have. And my love for you is why I am taking responsibility for what I did to your wife and baby," by then her tears were running freely down her face. She turned around and faced the judge, "Its time for me to take responsibility for all I did. I nearly killed my pregnant daughter-in-law. And I masterminded the murder of my deceased husband, John Teller."
There was a collective gasp around the courtroom.
Gemma turned around and looked at her only son, "I am so sorry," she whispered.
Two Days Later
"Life without parole," he whispered in the dark.
Tara snuggled closer to him. "Life without parole," she reaffirmed.
He felt his heart constrict as he looked at the ceiling of their hotel room. His mother was going away for life. She was charged with two attempts of murder. One for Tara and one for Sadie. The prosecuting lawyer told them that the state of California would also press charges for the murder of JT. By the time those charges came into affect, Gemma would get life without parole.
He felt Tara's fingers on his cheeks. He looked at his wife. She too had tears streaming down her face. He shifted so he could hug Tara to his body as sobs of sorrow ripped thru his body. He felt her body trembling too.
Time at the moment was lost on them. They cried for all lost. They cried for losing essentially the only mother they had. Most of all, they cried because for the first time in their lives, they felt free.
