The Hand Bites Back
A Harry Potter fanfiction by Andrew Joshua Talon and Others
Disclaimer: This is a non profit fan based parody. Harry Potter is the property of J. K. Rowling and Time Warner. Please support the official release.
Next Chapter… As part of my continuing efforts to make Ron Weasley not suck...
"I'm telling you, Neville, you need to relax," Ron said to his friend, as he and Luna visited their friend in St. Mungo's. The room was pretty nice, filled with Get Well cards, flowers and naked pictures of thankful girls. Ron's eyes drifted to them for a moment, but realized they weren't nearly as interesting or attractive as his wife. Neville must have come to the same conclusion, as he didn't even give the pictures a second glance.
"Yes," Luna said cheerfully, also examining one of the naked pictures. "Your Talos is being repaired, and you may yet get the Order of Merlin: First Class for your heroic efforts." Luna smiled. "But they're confused as to who to give it to between you, me, Ron, Harry, Hermione, Not-Auror Yuri, Not-Auror Enola, Not-Auror Sayako..."
"Why can't they just give us ALL Orders of Merlin?" Neville asked flatly. Luna held two pictures of naked girls up, comparing them with a hum. Ron sighed.
"The printing dealio is busted. It runs on something from the Muggle World and with the embargo and all-"
"Not the dealio!" Neville groaned. "I heard so much about the dealio! Is it really covered in thingamabobs?"
"The shiniest thingamabobs in the wizarding world," Luna said with a reverent expression on her face. "And a doodad nine cubits high."
Neville frowned in confusion. "Cubits?"
"They have to use cubits. It's the only way to express it. The charms on it don't allow you to use metric or Imperial measurements," Luna said.
"Those are some strong charms," Ron said with a smile. "I mean, you're a hero! So you should relax!"
"Does Harry ever relax?" Neville asked dryly. Luna compared a few more pictures, including several upside down. Ron grinned.
"Sure he does! Like, when he plays Quidditch... Or lays around the common room... Or does all sorts of... Of..." Ron waved his hands. "Point is! He relaxes! You need to relax!"
"You haven't even relaxed with any of these pictures," Luna said. Neville blushed, and averted his eyes. Ron blinked.
"Eh? Wait... I mean, even I think this is wank material and... Ah..." He looked at his wife, who was smiling. "I-I mean, not that I need it-!"
"It's okay Ron," Luna said cheerfully. "A number of these girls look wankable to me. Would you like to help me figure them out?"
Ron turned bright red. He slowly looked over at Neville. "Uh... Neville...? I kind of need to... Um... Have the room. For a few-"
"Hours?" Luna asked.
"... This is my hospital room," Neville said flatly. "Where I'm recovering. From saving you guys."
"Please Neville?" Luna asked. "It would just be so inconvenient to move all these naked pictures to another room with a bed?" She held her hands together in front of her breasts. "And you've recovered, your chart said so. And I haven't been intimate with Ronald for two days. It's very frustrating."
Ron gave Neville a pleading look. It was so pathetic it reminded Neville of the looks his Gran's Hippogriff would give him for food. That it was his friend and his wife... Who was his crush...
Merlin's balls this sucked.
Neville groaned, and rubbed his face. He slowly stood up, and pulled on a robe. He headed out of the hospital room. The door slammed shut behind him, as Luna giggled. He sat outside the hospital room on a bench. A Mediwitch shuffled by, talking to another Mediwitch.
"Can you believe it? Bellatrix Lestrange just ups and vanishes!"
"Just goes to show you how the Ministry handles everything else," the other Mediwitch snorted. "So, is she loose?"
"No, nobody knows where she went! Those foreign aurors were holding her, maybe they got rid of..." The conversation trailed off as the two mediwitches rounded the corner, but it was enough to depress Neville further.
Great... Well... He narrowed his eyes. Just means I'll have to kill her myself... With my giant robot... Once it's repaired...
"Hey... I'm looking for an... Stick Y. Wand...?" Asked a female voice. She sighed in disgust. "Ugh! I can't believe I fell for that!"
Neville looked up and saw an extremely attractive black haired girl, a few years older than him. She had a white streak in her hair, and was wearing a cute delivery girl outfit with a paper hat. In one hand, she held a pizza box. Neville blinked.
"Huh?"
She sighed and looked over at him. She tilted her head. "Oh, hey. I'm with Kahuna Pizza. I'm supposed to deliver this pizza but I guess it was just a prank." She sighed and sat next to him. "I guess that's just what the new girl gets, huh?"
"I'm sorry about that," Neville said earnestly. "Uh... Pizza?"
"Pureblood, right?" The girl asked with a teasing smile. Neville flushed.
"I, uh, yeah... You?"
"No idea. My past is fuzzy. I lost all my memories in some accident." She frowned. "The doctors say I might recover them eventually... But for now, I'm just working to make ends meet. Until I can figure something else out, I guess..."
Neville frowned. He impulsively reached out and squeezed her hand. She started and looked up at him. He smiled at her.
"Hey... We all have problems now. But it's easier to share them with friends, isn't it?"
"Are... We friends?" The girl asked. Neville flushed.
"If... If you'd like to be," he said. "Uh... I'm Neville. What's your name?"
"Trixie," she said with a smile.
The Gryffindor Common Room had become their regular meeting place after Harry and his friends had taken up residence in the castle. And as a result, with her bossy nature, Hermione soon had them all doing drills. Almost immediately after Ron and Luna got back from visiting Neville, as a matter of fact.
"I don't see why we have to do this crap," Ron grumbled. "It's summer!"
"And we just got done with a massive battle, Ron," Hermione lectured. "We don't stop practicing! We're not just students anymore!"
"Yeah, but there has to be a little time for relaxation, right?" Asked Ron. Hermione raised an eyebrow.
"You mean, what you and Luna are up to?"
Ron flushed deeply. "Uh…" He looked over at his wife, who was already taking her place at a nearby table. "Well…"
"Oh Hermione, we do that after doing that," Luna said brightly. "Don't you know?"
"No, and I don't want to know," Hermione said quickly. "Let's just focus on this lesson, all right?" She smiled and pointed over at Harry. "See? Harry's already doing it!"
"Animas Anthropos," Harry muttered, pointing his wand at a pile of scraps on the table before him. The pieces slowly rose and assembled into a recognizably humanoid shape, and Harry maintained his concentration on the construct.
Ron sighed. "Fine…"
He sat down next to Harry, and began to to copy the wand movements and incantation on a pile of junk he grabbed from his pockets.
"Animas Anthropos… Animas Anthropos...! Oh come on, Animas Anthropos!" Ron shouted, slapping his wand against the debris. It rose up into a cloud of debris, shooting into his eyes as though offended. Ron yelped, and covered his eyes. "GAH! BOLLOCKS!"
"Ron!" Hermione admonished, sitting at her own table alongside Luna, "language!"
"I... Am a married man, I can say what I bloody well want to!" Ron hissed. Luna smiled softly.
"I cannot really argue with that," Luna said. Ron grinned and smirked at Hermione, happy to have someone on his side in an argument. Hermione huffed.
"Well, hitting the debris isn't going to help you either, is it?" She shot back. She shook her head. "Honestly! It's like you don't even want to learn the spell!"
"Of course I want to learn the spell!" Ron barked back, his ears turning red in anger. "But it isn't easy!" He pointed to Harry, who was refraining from the argument and focusing entirely on his construct. "He can't even get it to move!"
"He's still got it down," Hermione huffed. "You're just not paying attention!"
"I... I bloody well am!" Ron growled. "Just because you're a superbrained freak who can learn it in a second-!"
"It's called dedication! You can't expect someone to have a bloody Talos to protect yourself with next time, can you?" Hermione shot back. Ron snarled.
"Hey! Without me, none of you would be here and alive right bloody now!"
"Oh Merlin's tits, are you still arguing?" Pansy sighed, entering the Gryffindor common room. She had taken to staying in the tower with the rest of the group, unwilling to stay down in the dungeons alone. "It's a wonder you get anything done at all, if you have to deal with the Load."
"The... The Load?" Ron asked with a scowl. Pansy smirked, and shrugged.
"Isn't that what you called him, Hermione? The Load?" Pansy asked sweetly. Hermione gasped, her cheeks turning red.
"I... No! That was a moment of weakness and-!"
"Ron, Hermione, calm down," Harry said, getting into the argument as he saw Ron was turning bright red. It was too late, however, as the youngest Weasley son began to yell.
"WELL IF YOU THINK I'M SO BLOODY USELESS, MAYBE I'LL GO BE A LOAD SOMEWHERE ELSE!" Ron bellowed. He kicked over the desk and stormed past Pansy, going out through the portal door. Hermione began to yell at Pansy, as Harry intervened, but Ron couldn't care less. He just stormed off, walking and walking until he was outside. He found a stone bench and sat on it, prepared for a good, long sulk.
A small hand touched his, and he looked up to see Luna smiling down at him.
"Hello husband," she said. Ron grumbled, and looked down.
"You should be learning the spell," he huffed. Luna sat with him on the bench, and waved her wand over a small pile of rocks and sticks. They jumped up into a humanoid form, and began a silly jig. Ron watched this sullenly, and sighed as he looked down at the ground.
"Hermione does like to show off a lot," Luna said kindly, "but only because she feels she has to fight for every bit of respect. She was a lonely child growing up, you know. Isolated because of how smart she was."
"Well it's not like I don't bloody respect her," Ron said. "I-I just..." He grumbled, and crossed his arms over his chest. Luna smiled and hugged him. The redhead sighed, feeling much lower than before. "I guess... Maybe... I kind of have..."
"A similar problem?" Luna asked, tilting her head. Ron nodded.
"Yeah... Like, I want to be... Ya know... Great at class, or a prankster, or... Something. But all I've got that sets me apart is... Well..." Ron sighed. "Harry."
Luna chuckled softly, and ran her fingers through his hair. "Ronald... What you have is you. And I love you."
Ron started, and stared up at her. "I... R-Really?"
Luna nodded. "Yes."
"But... But why?" Ron asked in disbelief. "I-I mean, I'm not good at anything-!"
"You're kind. You're generous. You're brave, when you have to be. You are my husband, and I saw you at your best, and at your worst," Luna said. She kissed his cheek, making him blush. "I love you for being you, Ronald. Otherwise, I wouldn't love you. Because you wouldn't be you, you'd be someone else."
Ron sighed, and rubbed his cheek. "I just... I wish I could see what you see in me." He sighed. "Merlin, I can never get anything right unless..."
"Unless?" Luna prompted. Ron sighed.
"Unless it... It really counts, ya know? When it's just a rubbish class or an assignment I can barely do it! When it counts, I can! But that's when it counts."
"Like...?" Luna asked. Ron smiled.
"Like back in first year, when we faced that Troll... Or in second year, when I had to fly the car..." He made a face, "and confront those bloody spiders in the Forbidden Forest. Guh..."
"Hmmm..." Luna rubbed her chin. She then smiled. She took his hand, and stood up. "Ronald? We are going for a walk."
Ron blinked. "A walk?"
"Yes."
"Where?" Ron asked, as Luna began to lead him out of the castle. Luna smiled at him.
"The Forbidden Forest, of course."
Ron halted. "Now hang on a second, I can't just-!"
"Where we can make love in any way you wish," Luna said kindly. Ron blinked.
"... Okay!"
"Good," Luna said with a nod and a smile.
The Forbidden Forest looked a little better in the summer, Ron supposed. It wasn't entirely dark and depressing, like it was in the Fall or Winter. There were even flowers sprouting from a number of trees, and a unicorn lapping peacefully at a small brook they had to cross. Luna approached the unicorn, and Ron hung back, remembering his classes with Hagrid. He watched his wife stroke the unicorn, and sighed as he leaned against a nearby tree. This was pretty nice, he supposed. Being out in nature with his wife, just appreciating the flowers and unicorns and...
There was a rumble of a familiar engine, and Ron perked up. "Huh?" He looked around. The unicorn galloped off, as Luna turned to look in the same direction. Ron walked towards the engine growl, and listened. He was rewarded with another engine growl, and he peered through some bushes. Luna kneeled down next to him, pressing her face against his to look as well.
"Hey... My car!" Ron said. It was the Anglia, all right-Just even more busted up than before. Cracks were all over its metal body, the last of the windows had been blown out, and the tires... One of them, anyway, was flat. The car was growling a bit, warbling off like a sick bird. Ron frowned, as Luna rose.
"Luna, wait-!"
She stepped out of the bushes and walked up to the ailing car. It growled at her, and shook its battered doors like a cat trying to make itself look bigger. Luna stepped closer. Ron got up and walked up, getting in front of Luna.
"Hey, hey! Calm down," Ron said with a glare. "Don't make me bust you up even more than you are!"
The car quieted, still growling low. Luna rested a hand on his shoulder.
"Ronald... Look," Luna said, pointing near the front of the car. "It can't move."
Ron looked as well, and winced. "The bloody axel... Oh man... What did this to you?" He shook his head, stepping closer. The car growled, but Luna held up her hands.
"It's all right," Luna said softly. "You know him, right? You remember him? Don't be afraid."
The car quieted. Ron sucked in a breath, and stepped up to the heavily damaged Anglia. He looked into the cabin, and winced-The flight gear looked like it had been destroyed. He checked under the gaping bonnet-It wasn't in much better shape there, either.
"Can you fix it?" Luna asked, gently stroking the car's bonnet. It continued to growl, but at a much lower tone. Ron sighed, and rubbed the back of his head.
"I might... I mean, I watched my dad charm it and work on it." Ron smiled. "He actually showed me the spells... And we did some of the mechanical stuff together." He sighed, enjoying the remembrance of having his father completely to himself, and working on something they both loved. Luna smiled and nodded.
"It sounds lovely," she said. "Perhaps we can levitate it out?"
"I don't see why-" Ron began, but the car's engine roared. The horn barked, frantically, warningly. Ron yelped. "What the bloody hell is-?!"
And a giant spider pounced on the bonnet of the Anglia, slamming its forelimbs into the top and tearing it off with incredible strength. Ron cried out in horror, stumbling backwards as more spiders appeared. Luna drew her wand and fired off a few Stunners, but they soon began to overwhelm her.
"Ah! LUNA!" Ron shouted, as more spiders descended upon the Anglia. The car shrieked in what seemed to be pain and horror as the spiders began to tear it apart. Ron fell backwards over a log, trying to get his wand out of his pocket before a spider pounced on him. The hissing fangs filled his vision, and he screamed in fear...
He heard Luna crying out... And the grip on his wand tightened. He forced the giant spider back with one arm, barely avoiding the fangs. He yanked out his wand, and saw the Anglia as it was torn apart, still honking and shrieking...
He had an idea. He was rubbish with the form... But what if... He made the form happen himself?
"ANIMAS ANTHROPOS!" He bellowed, focusing with all his mind on the image of the car's pieces, himself, and saving Luna. The Anglia's parts shot into the air, scattering the spiders. The parts swirled around, and the spider atop him was shocked enough Ron kicked the horrible creature off and sprinted for the whirlwind of metal. He stood in the center, and locked his eyes on Luna as she was being covered in spiders. He held the wand upwards, and bellowed the spell again.
"ANIMAS ANTHROPOS!"
The pieces coalesced around him, and Ron hopped up on top of two metallic legs made out of parts of the Anglia's superstructure, as two arms composed of the axel and suspension formed at his fingertips. The engine block formed around him in a torso, still growling and roaring as the headlights locked into place on either side of his head. The metallic skin of the vehicle wrapped around the entirely of the new structure, offering protection and creating a metallic hood for Ron to peer out of. The doors attached to the back of the construct, resembling wings.
The spiders paused, looking up with their multiple eyes as the Anglia's engine roared, now in triumph. Ron snarled.
"GET AWAY FROM HER, YOU TWATS!" He bellowed, throwing a punch with the fist of the construct. He smashed one of the spiders into green paste, as the others swarmed him. He kicked, punched, and spun the construct around. He grabbed another and threw it into a part of the swarm, crunching and smashing his way to the pale form of his wife. Luna extended her hands and grabbed onto the construct's chest, as Ron shielded her with a giant arm. Luna lifted up her wand, and called out a spell that Ron couldn't make out over the engine roaring-But the spiders began to burst into flames and shriek as they ran. Another leaped for Ron's face-But a swing of his mighty fist, and the beast was slamming into the nearest tree.
The remaining spiders retreated, as the Anglia's horn blared in triumph and Ron whooped.
"YEAH! HAA! EAT IT, BLOODY BUGS! YEAH!" Ron yelled. "Luna! You okay?"
"I think I need some medical attention, but nothing too severe-" Luna began, but Ron grinned.
"Don't you worry! Car? Come on! Let's get back to the castle!"
He cradled Luna in his arms, as his car honked in affirmation. He lifted his arm up... And flipped a few switches in the inside of the construct. The Anglia lifted off, warbling a bit as the flight spells went into motion and carried them up over the trees. Ron grinned broadly, as he set course for the castle on the hills.
"By the way... Thank you for saving our lives," Luna said with a smile. She leaned over the engine block chest, and kissed his cheek. Ron flushed.
"... Hey! I did!" He threw up a fist of the Anglia-bot. "YEAH! WOO! EAT IT, HERMIONE! YEAH!"
"Ronald," Luna said flatly, "being disparaging towards our friends does not put me in the mood."
"Mood?" Ron asked. At the raised eyebrow of his wife, he coughed. "Oh... Um... Sorry."
"Just remember: Dramatic rescues alone do not ensure a good sex life," Luna lectured. She smiled.
"They do help a lot though."
Ron stood outside the medical wing, as Hermione, Harry and Pansy waited with him. Madam Pomphrey had sent them out as she tended to Luna's injuries, and she did not want to be disturbed. Ron sighed and rubbed his cheeks, groaning a little.
"Ron, that was... Wicked," Harry said with a grin. "I mean, that you did that!"
"And without any self-aggrandizing," Pansy observed wryly. Hermione glared at her, but Pansy shrugged. "I'm just saying, it isn't unheard of-"
"Yeah, but this time?" Ron said, with a smile, "I did it... Myself. So I don't... I don't have to make up for anything."
"Not a thing," Harry said with a grin, patting his shoulder. He glanced over at Hermione, who was still frowning. "Hermione?"
"I'm just..." She sighed. "It seems so... Coincidental."
"What?" Ron asked. Hermione gave him a wry look.
"Well yes. You just happened to come across the Anglia, and the Acromantulas?"
"Well... It isn't impossible," Ron said with a shrug. "What, you saying something was up? I swear, it happened just like I said!"
Madam Pomphrey stepped out, sighing. "Mister Weasley, your wife is all right. Just minor injuries, go on in."
Ron rushed past the nurse, and was soon at the bedside of Luna. Madam Pomphrey huffed about rudeness, before she turned and walked to her office. Luna smiled at him, as the rest of her friends gathered around her bed.
"Hello. I am expected to recover, which is comforting," Luna said. Hermione nodded.
"That's good to hear... But-"
"Luna, come on! It happened just like I said, right?" Ron asked eagerly. He glared at Hermione. "Some people here doubt my story!"
Luna smiled and brushed her husband's hair. "Ronald did indeed master the spell, and got us out of there. He was wonderful."
"We didn't doubt it for a second, right Hermione?" Harry asked, giving an evil eye to his best friend. Hermione sighed, and smiled. Pansy snorted.
"I think we should leave them alone," Pansy said wryly. "They probably have all sorts of snogging to catch up on."
"And shagging, too," Luna said cheerfully. Hermione blushed, as Pansy chuckled. Harry pushed the two girls out, giving Ron and Luna a final grin. Ron returned it, and Luna smiled back softly. Once they were gone, Ron turned and gave Luna a relieved smile.
"Thank you Luna."
Luna blinked.
"For what?"
"For... Well..." Ron rubbed the back of his head. "I... I mean..." He looked over his shoulder to check if Hermione was really gone, and looked back to his wife. "I mean... Hermione figured it out... But... Um..."
Luna blinked her large eyes at her husband, several times. Ron sighed.
"What I mean is... You didn't have to go to all that trouble just to set up... Ya know... The Anglia and all."
Luna hummed. "You mean... You believe I set up the Anglia and the spiders as a means of manipulating you into discovering your true ability and thus saving us?"
Ron coughed. "Well... I mean... How else could it have happened?"
"Other than purely random chance? Or perhaps I am in fact a seer, allowing me to predict the future?" Luna asked. Ron gawped at her.
"Wha-You can?! You are?!"
"No Ronald, I was kidding," Luna sighed, poking him in the forehead. Ron blushed.
"Oh..."
"It would be nice, but becoming a seer tends to lead towards a loss of sanity at a young age, and I'd much prefer to retain my sanity until I no longer require it," Luna said firmly. "And so I am not insane enough to deliberately lure you, my husband, into a dangerous situation where you would have to face your greatest fear and overcome it to save us." Luna shook her head. "Do you think I'm that bad a wife?"
Ron blinked a few times. "Then... I really did that?"
"Yes. And you can really do that. Even if I'm not being attacked by giant spiders," Luna said. She squeezed his hand. "If you're willing to."
Ron laughed a little, and hugged Luna tightly. "Okay... Okay..."
"Besides," Luna said, "if I really did know the future, then that would mean I have done nothing to change circumstances to one more favorable to our situation. I would feel like the worst person alive if I did that. Or perhaps this is the best set of circumstances of all, and my ability to see the future is entirely instinctive. Or perhaps I am able to perceive different timelines altogether with minor differences..."
Ron sighed as his wife continued to prattle on. Well... As far as marriages went, this? This was actually turning out great.
And could always be worse. He could be married to Hermione. Or Parkinson. Or (as Harry's luck seemed to be running), both...
A quick chapter put up. Hopefully regular updates will be coming on a weekly basis.
