The Hand Bites Back

A Harry Potter fanfiction by Andrew Joshua Talon and Others

Disclaimer: This is a non profit fan based parody. Harry Potter is the property of J. K. Rowling and Time Warner. Please support the official release.


This section written mostly by Scriviner and myself. But hey, Capitalist!Draco needs some love.


Percy Weasley looked at the door, as if it had eyes and was staring right back at him. He'd been standing there for several minutes, he felt like he knew everything about the door and could make another even without magic.

Fudge's receptionist had finally noticed him a few seconds ago and then had gone back to her Witch Weekly completely uncaring. Not having noticed the armament he had with him, not realising what line he was about to do.

He took a deep breath, I am going to do this damn it! he thought. I am not going to let this go on any longer, I am not going to keep being 'Weatherby'! He glared at the door gathering his Griffindor nerve.

He had sworn he never do this, give into the part of himself he hated. Be the child his Mum wanted, but attempting to do that had destroyed his relationship with his family. Caused him to break up with the woman he loved. Destroyed my fucking life!

And all because of my own stupidity and following Fudge like a Pygmy Puff going off a cliff! he savagely screamed in his head. He had gone to the shop he had sworn to never go, already his parents likely knew and were wondering what the hell was going on.

But he was not going to take it any more. Finding that horror put on his desk about him being in a relationship with the toad ... he shuddered. And then his will hardened and he raised his wand the door and cast.

It exploded into self replicating glowing soap bubbles that went through all of the colours of the rainbow, he'd studied Fred and George's Wildfire Wiz-bangs and taken them and improved them easily into a spell. There would be replicating bubbles in the ministry for weeks at the very least.

"Time to be the prankster I always wanted to be," he whispered before striding into Fudge's office with the completely surprised idiot gaping like a fish behind his desk. "Minister Moron, I QUIT!" Percy shouted as he entered the fireworks attached to each arm holsters firing in and then exploding into harmless light that chased Fudge out of the office.

Percy followed dropping an upgraded Portable Swamp in the office as he ran after Fudge an instrument of pranking. With the Aurors gone and everyone else thinking they were halucinating no one stopped him as he chased Fudge all the way to the bottom of the ministry via the north stairs and then all the way up the south stairs.

Till he ended up in the atrium, the fountain still unrepaired as Fudge fell into it. Covered with the tentacles, green slime, medusa like hair, polka dot spots and sparkling dust while he breathed a harmlessly foul green fog out of his mouth that would lead to bad breath jokes for years.

Fudge was spent as he wheezed like a one hundred a day smoker in the pool. Percy looked at him and he then threw a Portable Swamp Plus grenade into the pool. It turned the pool into a swamp but also activated a Percy Weasley special - a Mocking Scarecrow.

The Mocking scarecrow wrapped around Fudge and held him up on a pole in the middle of what used to be the fountain. Dressed in raggedy farm clothes and with conjured crows circling him Fudge glared at Percy.

"Let me down at once Weatherby!" Fudge bawled like a five year old having a tantrum after he had his breath back, as everyone not Fudge or Percy in the room just watched with sheer confusion as if they had fallen into an alternative universe.

"My Name, Is Percy Weasley you idiot." Percy spat at him "And let's just say Weasleys don't undo our pranks if Mum doesn't send a Howler screaming at us." A wistful smile formed on his face as he wondered what it would have been like to have had a Howler from her, "And I'm betting she's going to be smiling at this turn of events so that's unlikely."

"Now, if you'll excuse me I have lots to do." He grinned savagely, "So many deserving people to prank."

He then turned away throwing modified Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder over his shoulder that his glasses could see through, it covered him and only him in a shroud of darkness. Then he put on an upgraded Headless hat and went invisible, strolling away singing in his head Weasley is our King as he headed for emergency evacuation stairs.


Hermione smiled brightly, wiping her forehead free of sweat. She turned around, giving a thumbs up to Pansy, Ron, Harry (who was still in his hospital bed) and Luna.

"Right! I am ready to present my brilliant plan!" She waved her wand and a board appeared in mid-air. It had numerous cut out pictures, newspaper articles, and strings connecting the pictures to form an elaborate and colorful web.

"Our brilliant plan," Pansy said flatly. Harry blinked. Ron stared in mild disbelief. Luna was toying with Hermione's phone, studying it intently.

"Er… Hermione," began Ron, "what's with the board covered in photos? And notecards?"

"She said it was some kind of Muggle thing," Pansy said. Hermione huffed.

"Look: I got to make so many interesting presentation boards when I was in primary. And I couldn't make any here in Hogwarts, so damnit I am going to have my board and you are going to appreciate it!"

"I appreciate it," said Harry quickly. Hermione smiled.

"Thank you Harry."

"Suck up," Ron grumbled. Harry glanced at his friend.

"You want to piss her off?" He asked slowly. Ron sighed and rubbed his temples.

"ANYWAY," Hermione said angrily, "this is our plan." She pointed her wand at a picture of Cornelius Fudge, who was making faces at Harry. "Cornelius Fudge is on his way out. We have three likely choices of a successor." She pointed at a picture of a graying man who resembled an old, proud lion. "Rufus Scrimgeour, head of the Auror Office."

"Political opportunist, has been jockeying for Amelia Bones' job, plays both sides against the middle, arsehole," Pansy supplied. Ron and Luna looked over at her. She shrugged. "My father's words. And I've met him."

"We therefore conclude he would not be the best choice for a successor to the position of Minister of Magic," said Hermione, scowling a bit at Pansy's interruption. "Next up…!"

She pointed to a picture of Shacklebolt, whom Harry of course knew from the Order of the Phoenix.

"Shacklebolt has a great deal of political support, thanks to his ties to Dumbledore," Hermione said. "But that will probably hurt a lot with those on the fence of supporting him."

"But why would they stick with Malfoy? They know he's working with Voldemort," Harry protested. Pansy sighed and patted Harry's shoulder.

"Yes, but they'd be too afraid to oppose him. Don't you have any political instincts at all, Harry?"

"Seriously, he's like a babe in the woods," Ron said, shaking his head.

"Not even any awareness of the heliopath uprising, or the Rotfang conspiracy," Luna said, shaking her head as well.

"He's so naive. It's kind of cute, actually," Pansy said, kissing the top of Harry's head. Hermione scowled, and Pansy just smirked as she slowly pulled away from the grumbling Boy-Who-Was-Now-Embarrassed.

"Okay, so… Unless we eliminate a lot of people and do a lot of dealing and wheeling, that's no go," muttered Harry.

"Eliminate?" Ron asked, uneasily.

"He's already progressing to political assassination! I'm so proud," Pansy cooed.

"That's not what I meant!" Harry said quickly. Luna pouted.

"So we aren't going to reap a bloody vengeance upon the Wizenmagot and end their tyranny over the Wrackspurts?" Luna asked. "I made these masks for nothing." She held up a pure white mask with a black beard drawn on. Hermione scowled.

"Luna, what's that?"

"An Oliver Cromwell mask," she said.

"Shouldn't it be a Guy Fawkes mask?" Asked Harry. The Pureblood witches and wizard stared at him in confusion.

"Why would it be a Guy Fawkes mask?" Ron asked.

"Oliver Cromwell was the guy who tried to overthrow the wizenmagot the last time," Pansy said.

"But… But…" Tried Harry. "But-!"

"Not everything is about Guy Fawkes, Harry," said Hermione disapprovingly. "Now let me finish!"

"Sorry," Harry mumbled.

"Which leads us to our most likely candidate, and probably the easiest to get on our side," Hermione said, pointing out a familiar looking Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. "Amelia Bones."

"Why would she be more acceptable?" Harry asked. "I mean, she was basically the only one who was fair to me at my trial…"

"She often opposes Dumbledore, and Malfoy at the same time," said Pansy. "So she's seen as someone who can get both sides on hers." She smiled smugly. "That, and she is the one who went over Fudge's head to get the foreign Aurors into Little Whinging."

"Essex Aurors," Ron said with a wry smile.

"I met one from York, she was nice," Luna said, still wearing the mask.

"Speech impediment and all," Ron asked. Luna nodded.

"Mm, yes."

"And of course, Susan Bones is in the DA, and Hermione Granger's best female friend," Pansy concluded. "So clearly, the only thing to do is for Harry to seduce Susan Bones and convince her to get Amelia that she has our support."

"HOW DOES SEDUCING HER IN ANY WAY HELP OUR PLAN?!" Hermione shrieked, face red. "THAT'S RIDICULOUS!"

"I kind of have to agree," Harry said, cheeks bright red. Pansy smiled.

"Isn't it obvious?"

"Not… To me," Ron said.

"That's no surprise," Pansy snorted.

"It isn't obvious to me, either!" Hermione growled. Pansy shrugged, smiling like the sun.

"It makes you freak out, and Harry blush cutely. Mission accomplished!"

"Good work," Luna said, as Hermione snarled.


Draco had stormed into the Ministry full of intent. He didn't exactly have a full plan of action, just a few thoughts, some hints, and several conversations with various ex-Aurors that they fully expected to keep working for him, since they'd already been paid. All of that and a galleon would've bought him a potato.

Well, he had several hundred pounds of potatoes to reclaim from the Ministry and the full extent of his action plan boiled down to 'find someone to shout at, then keep shouting at them until they gave him what he wanted'. Maybe with a side-order of 'willing to bargain' and possibly 'threats of retaliation using trained former aurors'.

It was fortunate the Ginny had gone with him and that they'd been required to turn over their wands at the entrance to the Ministry, otherwise, she was worried that he would have started hexing people, given the temper he was in.

She stepped in front of him and stopped suddenly. She crossed her arms under her breasts and eyed him.

"You have no idea where we need to go, do you?" She said finally.

"... not as such." Draco admitted after a long moment. "I was intending to find the person who issued this document," He waved the scroll that was meant to have seized his company's assets. "Then basically scream at them until they got me their manager and sort of work my way up from there."

Ginny sighed, "I was hoping you had more of a plan than that."

"That is," He said with as much dignity as he could muster, "In fact, a plan."

"Look, I think we may need someone who's got some degree of expertise in dealing with bureaucracy." Ginny said. "Normally, I'd say we could ask my father."

"But he is currently very, very busy entertaining your charming mother." He said without a trace of irony.

Ginny winced, "I will thank you very much not to remind me that they are-"

"Currently working on another little Weasley?" Draco said teasingly.

Ginny covered her face with both hands. "Stop. Talking."

Draco snorted, "Well, with your father... otherwise occupied... where does that leave us as far as red tape expertise goes?"

"I suppose I can try asking Percy." Ginny said carefully.

"The one Weasley who actually doesn't like his family?" Malfoy sneered, "Brilliant suggestion."

Ginny growled then retorted hotly, "Do you have a better idea?!"

"As a matter of-" Draco began to say, thinking furiously as he tried to come up with something now that he'd been backed into it, but he was interrupted before he could outline his non-existent idea.

"Ah, Mister Malfoy, just the gentleman I was looking for." A dignified voice spoke from behind him.

Draco blinked, then looked back to find himself facing Amelia Bones. Former head of the DMLE and the front runner to become the Minister of Magic.

He sputtered to a stop, but then immediately recovered his manners, "Madam Bones, it's a pleasure."

She inclined her head, "Likewise. And your lovely companion?"

Draco, gestured to Ginny, stepping next to her, "I'm not certain if you've met Arthur Weasley's daughter. Ginevera Weasley."

Amelia allowed a small smile to curl the side of her mouth. Her eyes twinkled at a thought and suddenly the changes in young Mister Malfoy's behavior were suddenly less mysterious to her. Ahh... young love.

Her surmise that the changes in his behavior were the result of Draco's having fallen in love were, in fact correct. Less correct, however was who she believed he'd fallen in love with.

Draco felt vaguely put off by the amusement in the woman's face when he finally asked, "Did you require my assistance with anything?"

Ginny quirked an eyebrow, and met Draco's gaze. An unspoken communication passed between them that could best be read as, 'Now what?'

"As a matter of fact, there are some items of Ministry business that have unexpectedly intersected with your business interests that I believe will require your input." Madame Bones said carefully. "I was, in fact, just on my way to the Ministry Owlery to send you a personal invitation to schedule an appointment for a meeting, but if you have a few moments now..." She let her words trail off.

Draco stared, not certain how to respond. Or he did until a sudden sharp stamp on his toes by Ginny snapped him out of his surprise and he managed, through gritted teeth, to reply, "I do in fact have... er... a few minutes. Yes. I would love to know what you needed to discuss."

This earned him another stamp on the foot which he winced and added, "And if it is a matter of business, I'd like for my associate, Miss Weasley to join us. I don't know what I'd do without her." He added smoothly, earning him a smile from Ginny.

Amelia smiled once more. "By all means," She gestured. "My office is this way."


Draco was in a bit of a quandry. He sat uncomfortably in one of the ministry approved visitors chairs next to Ginny. The chairs themselves were actually comfortable. The discomfort came from not quite knowing how to deal with the situation.

He was somewhat certain he shouldn't have been in any trouble. But it was difficult to tell when the Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement decided to pull you into her office for an impromptu meeting.

Then there came the matter of actual presentation. Draco wasn't sure how he should hold himself. By reflex, he was tending to straighten up, lift his chin and tend to look down his nose at her, just as his father might have, but he certainly didn't want to emulate the elder Malfoy. Draco wanted no part of the man or his twisted cause or his insane master. Sneering would probably have been even worse. He could have tried to slouch, perhaps, but he just didn't feel sufficiently at ease... or disrespectful enough to pull it off. So he tried to find someone else he might have wanted to emulate for the meeting and finally, settled on trying to be as dignified and unruffled as Fernando the Audi salesman.

All three of them settled into Madam Bones's office and her secretary brought in tea for everyone.

"Now, Mr. Malfoy," She began without further preamble, "I do not believe you were ever officially thanked for your actions in Little Whinging."

Whatever other scenarios Draco might have had running through his head about what the meeting would open up with, that hadn't even made it into the top twenty. "I... beg pardon?" He said, trying desperately to project cool and unruffled, but barely managing to project instead poleaxed.

Ginny winced, then smiled, reaching over to pat his hand before she replied on his behalf, "It was the least he could do."

"I..." Draco glanced over to Ginny who was raising her eyebrows in some pointed and obvious attempt at communication, but he was feeling slower than ever. "I... that is to say, well... it was nothing?" He replied uncertainly.

"No need to be so modest, Mr. Malfoy," Madame Bones continued, taking her monocle off her eye and polishing it idly with a handkerchief. "If it weren't for your quick, decisive action, everyone in that town would most likely have died."

Draco preened at that, "I simply did what anyone would have done," He said smiling a little.

"Oh, not at all. Mr. Potter and his friends, impressive magical strength and ancient artifacts aside might have dealt with the giant inferi directly, it was you who was actually able to marshal together a force at your own expense to protect the citizens caught in harm's way." She inclined her head and put the monocle back on. "For that, Mister Malfoy, you have my personal thanks."

"Well, I'd hate to be considered immodest..." Draco was practically purring, but then Ginny caught his eye. She flicked her glance down and he did as well, catching sight of the Badge they'd been issued when they'd entered the ministry. The purpose of their visit. 'Potato Retrieval'.

He caught himself then and realized that Madame Bones was actually engaging in distinctly Malfoy-ish activity. She was flattering him. It was just like how his father dealt with Fudge. Admittedly, his father tended to throw a bit more money around.

Merlin knew he could've used some of that.

He had really been inclined to let her keep at it, but Ginny had reminded him that this woman was part of the Ministry. The same incompetent Ministry that had robbed him of his hard-earned potatoes. He coughed and smiled. "That is to say, I am happy to have helped, Madame Bones, but I have to admit I am very curious as to the real reason you called for this meeting. It can't be just to thank me, can it?"

Madam Bones inclined her head once more and smiled. "The same perceptiveness that allowed you to see to the heart of the problem in Little Whinging and see a solution by hiring the striking elements of my Aurors as your own private security force."

"Madame, I know when I'm being buttered up." He narrowed his eyes, "You want the Aurors back. Now that whatever legal chicanery was pulled to try to force those men and women into the Ministry's hands has failed, you're fishing for a way to get them back directly."

"The 'chicanery' as you put it wasn't any of my doing, Mister Malfoy," Madame Bones replied, leaning back in her chair. "It was, in fact the voting block that your father has... influence over-"

"Bribes." Draco muttered.

"Quite. They claim that Severus Snape approached them and offered to turn over control of the assets involved in the incident at Little Whinging in return for various considerations."

"... considerations." Draco's voice had become a whisper.

"The Ministry is very much strapped for liquid assets, but still has control over land and various other properties. As I understand it, in return for the assets of the Prince Potato Crisp Corporation, Professor Snape is now the proud owner of a small estate in Kent."

"My potatoes?!" Draco roared, shooting to his feet.

"Yes, imagine everyone's surprise when it turns out that those 'assets' everyone assumed would be employment contracts for ex-Aurors, turned out to be nothing more than five tons of potatoes."

"I suppose we must have lost about a ton of them in the attack." Ginny stood up and put a hand on Draco's shoulder. She gave Madame Bones a tight smile, "He's still a little bit upset with the ministry about that."

"Well, on paper, the company was entirely owned by Professor Snape," Amelia said careful, "So legally he traded them to the Ministry and the Ministry took legal ownership of them."

"Those were my potatoes!" Draco growled. "Bought with the sweat of my brow..." He paused and added, "And the sweat of the brow of my workers. The ministry and that untrustworthy, lying, backstabbing- have no right to the fruit of my labors! Those are all I-" He glanced over at Ginny, "We have left after that same attack destroyed my factory! The same factory, I might add, that Snape allowed to remain destroyed in order to make money off of it. I am completely ruined!"

Madame Bones nodded slowly, "I see emotions are still quite high over the matter."

"Quite so." Draco responded frostily.

"In a way, I'd like very much to help you." She gestured to their badges which still said 'Potato Retrieval', "Do please, down. I'd like to explain."

Draco grumpily flopped back into his seat, his arms crossed. Ginny sat down more demurely.

"With Fudge on the way out, we've made overtures to the striking Aurors requesting that they return to work." Madame Bones said carefully. "Do you know what they told us?"

Ginny smiled, a little nastily. "That they work for us."

"Yes. Not the Prince Potato Crisp Company. They said specifically that they were employed by Draco Malfoy and Ginny Weasley." She continued. "There was no formal contract, but every single one that we spoke with pretty much told us that they didn't trust the Ministry-"

Draco snorted, "And little wonder there."

"- but that they did trust Draco Malfoy." Madame Bones continued as though Draco had not interrupted.

Draco stared in surprise. "Seriously?"

Ginny covered her mouth and tried to suppress her giggles.

That seemed to energize Draco and force him to pull himself together. He straightened up and looked the older Witch directly in the eye. "So we have your Aurors. You have our potatoes."

"Indeed," She replied.

Draco traded glances with Ginny. Draco's eyes were shining and eager, but Ginny's eyes narrowed shrewdly as she turned to look at Madame Bones. "You're proposing to trade us our own potatoes to get the Aurors to work for the Ministry again?"

Draco bit back a snarl at that. Put that way it sounded much less appealing. Worse, the one asset they did have... skilled professionals... being traded for something that they actually now had no use for. Without the factory or the equipment, what good was five tons of potatoes worth to them? He took a deep breath. "This seems supremely inequitable." He pronounced ponderously.

Amelia Bones raised an eyebrow and replied, "I also know you don't have any money to keep paying those Aurors. In a month's time when you can't pay their wages, we'll end up getting them back anyway."

"Except the Ministry won't have any money then either." Draco countered. "Not only that, you need MY Aurors now. You can't afford for the Ministry to try and operate without them. The few that stuck with you are simply not going to be able to cope."

Draco leaned back a small smirk playing on his features now.

"The Ministry isn't without assets now, Mr. Malfoy," Madame Bones shot back. "I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but the fact of the matter is, your little venture with the potatoes and using them to pay the residents of Knockturn Alley has resulted in a very strange situation where the humble potato is now considered a relatively stable commodity for exchange."

"... you're kidding." Draco blinked in surprise.

"Don't tell me the Ministry is going to try and put us on a Potato Standard?" Ginny blurted out.

"Of course, the Goblins would never allow it," Madame Bones replied, "But at this precise moment, they're being heavily traded."

"And the Ministry is sitting on my potatoes." Draco finished darkly.

"Those are the Ministry's potatoes now, Mr. Malfoy," Madame Bones corrected him gently. "Legally they had belonged to Severus Snape who traded them to the Ministry for his own little Estate. Potatoes that a shocked and very annoyed Ministry are very eager to be rid of."

Draco frowned at that. If they were being traded as much as she'd said... well... he'd actually seen the beginnings of a potato trade in Diagon and elsewhere. If there was potential value to them now, this very moment before the bubble burst and people realized they were just potatoes and that he could actually get them in bulk lots at a fraction of the cost from the Muggle world... why would the Ministry want to get rid of them? Wouldn't they want to hold on to them until the price peaked and sell them off then?

Because they were politicians, He realized.

Ginny caught his eye again and she shrugged.

He grinned then turned to Madame Bones. "They don't know what the potatoes are worth, do they? They're desperate to get the Aurors back on the job and no one in the Wizengamot's got any idea that people are trading them for a galleon a spud!"

Madam Bones smiled thinly, "Quite so. After all, when was the last time you met an informed politician?"

"I believe I'm looking at one right now," Draco said, his grin turning grim.

Amelia smiled back.

Ginny put a hand on Draco's and said softly. "Obviously we don't want to lose what we have."

Draco blinked at the sudden contact then nodded. "Yes, yes. You're right." He turned his attention back to Madame Bones, "I do not believe we will be directly signing over the futures or well-being of our employees to the ministry. But I believe an agreement can be reached where you may hire our independent Auror force."

"For a reasonable fee." Ginny put in with her own smile.

"Which we are willing, just in this one instance," Draco added magnanimously, "To accept potatoes on at a yet to be agreed upon rate of exchange."


And here we go...