So...tonight's episode depressed me. Angered me. And then inevitably inspired me. I need some hope and I'm sure you do too. So see this chapter as some hope for us all.
This is a replacement chapter from the one I was going to post. ( Sorry for the mix up in notifications for this chapter! )
Take Note: This takes place after 6x09 so it is a back track from previous one-shots. Bonnie centric with important Bamon feels. Some swearing. Again, unbeta'd but proof-read. Any errors are unintentional.
~ Whorendous
Just saying for once I'm putting myself first
Putting myself first, putting myself first
So I'm leaving this town for good,
Gotta gotta get out of this neighborhood
Just like you never ever thought I could,
Never thought I could, never thought that
Bonnie looked around the Salvatore house, her eyes swollen from crying. Her limbs were heavy with regret and exhaustion.
She had no hope left.
They weren't there. Damon promised and they weren't there.
Feeling her lungs quivering, Bonnie steadied her breathing again. Her arms wrapped around her for comfort. She was alone and would never see her friends again.
A pink tongue poked out, a nervous habit, rolling over cracked and dry lips.
She was stuck here forever…and there was nothing she could do about it. Nodding her head, trying to accept the horrible fate, she took a deep breath walking further into the hall. Each step she took, the heels of her boots clicked on the wood. The sound made her wince. It was loud and hollow and made her feel more alone than she had ever felt before. Despite her efforts, her thoughts blurred around her.
Her magic was gone. The spirits were closed off from her. And…Damon was gone. Her last chance at getting out of here disappeared. Bonnie almost collapsed in the door way of the kitchen. She put out an arm to prop her tired body and she glanced at the kitchen table. A sharp pain dug into her heart.
Pancakes.
Her vision blurred again and something she had buried deep within her, bloomed. She missed him. God, she actually missed him. Of all people, him! She inhaled a painful breath, tears still threatening to fall and stared at the half eaten pancakes. She was so happy to hear that she was going home that she actually fantasied their reunion. She would come out running from nowhere calling his name then jump into his arms, forcing him into hug they both never expected to share in this lifetime. He would make some stupid dirty joke, but then hug her back just as fiercely, happy that she was okay and alive. She would hug Elena too…then they all would go home. Happily ever after.
But life isn't a fairy tale, and my luck finally ran out.
Bonnie chewed her lip and looked at the ceiling. She tried to use gravity to pull the tears behind her eyes but they fell down her cheeks anyways. Her stomach was empty and the smell of food had woken it up with a painful grumble. Her arm dropped from the door way and she backed out of the kitchen slowly. She had no desire to eat. Besides, she would cry the entire time and she was too tired to do that in a stiff wooden chair. Bonnie made her way back to the hallway, head down and her hands limp at her sides. She planned on going to the bedroom on the first floor. She had been using it since she arrived and she needed the familiarity desperately. Bonnie got closer to her bedroom but then paused as she landed in front of the bottom of the staircase. Raising her chin a little, she eyed the staircase and then shrugged her shoulders.
Why not? He's not here to care. Or make fun of me for that matter.
Without a second thought, Bonnie found herself climbing the stairs slowly and sighing as she finally arriving at the top. She clumsily walked over to his room and raised her hand to the glass door knob. She hesitated.
This is stupid.
Angry at herself for needing to be there, she twirled around and started walking back to the stairs. She looked down, seeing the wood of the first floor, and the feeling of absolute lonesomeness crawled over her skin. Defeated, she glanced back with a sigh. She retraced her steps and yanked the door open quickly. Stumbling inside, Bonnie was overwhelmed with the scent of sandalwood and bar soap. Her heart cracked even further.
Oh, god. I'm really alone.
Green, watery eyes landed on the king sized bed draped in black silk. She felt her balance wobble, her body and mind crushed under the mammoth of defeat. She stripped her body out of the clothes she wore, fingers barely making through the effort. She was finally down to just her black panties when she looked back down at the bed. She shifted uncomfortably.
Okay, this is a little weird.
She looked around until she spotted a discarded plaid collared shirt. She snatched it up with a yank and put it on. Satisfied that she wasn't going to be completely naked in Damon Salvatore's bed, she lifted the sheets and tumbled in. Her bones melted back into the mattress, soothing the ache of the day. She flopped around a bit to get comfortable, sighing when she found the right spot.
He calls this lumpy? Is he nuts?!
She laughed lightly. Her smile faded quickly as her gaze hopped around the empty room. The darkness was stale and she was reminded of the Animal Cracker boxes Grams would buy her when she would visit over the weekend. She would always try to finish the whole box and if she couldn't, she would make sure there were multiple animal crackers left, so the others wouldn't be alone. Stuck in a dark rectangle box always made the young Bonnie feel bad for them. Such a childish notion but here she was, an animal cracker in her box, without any animal pals around her for comfort. She choked back a cry and threw her face against the cool surface of the silk pillowcase as she curled onto her side. She inhaled and the sharp scent of Damon wafted around her. A twisted peace came over her.
He's safe and Elena's safe because she's with him.
She was startled at the realization that she trusted Damon so much it actually calmed her down. How deep her belief in Damon, the good man he could be if he put his stubborn mind to it, was blindsiding. But how long could he last with Kai in the real world? She gripped the sheets tightly. Kai was a power hungry warlock with no respect for life or family. Even Klaus gave a shit about his family. Bonnie rubbed her face out of frustration. She wanted to help keep her friends safe but what good was she here in 1994? And to be mother fucking honest, she was tired. Tired of sacrificing herself for the sake of others. Did she regret everything she did for her friends? Not. One. Bit. But, she was stuck in a solitary purgatory because of it. And she only had herself to blame. She was so close to just giving up.
They won't…Damon and Elena have each other and if I'm right about that stupid bet, which I so am Damon, Caroline has Stefan. And Jeremy….Jeremy…would have moved on by now.
Bonnie sighed and wiped a tear away with a hand and then crooked the hand under her pillow to get a little more comfortable. She frowned when her hand came in contact with box underneath the pillow. She yanked out an old video recorder. Bonnie sat up, curiosity peaked. She tried to find the play button and once she located it, she pressed play.
Wait…shit…what if this is a sex tape?! That would be so Damon it's not even funny!
Bonnie shut her eyes and tried to find the stop button with her fingers.
"I'm in my own, personal hell."
Bonnie stilled and opened up her eyes to see Damon talking to the camera. Her eyebrow quirked up and she watched, fascinated as he walked around the house talking about how he killed Zach's pregnant wife.
A video journal? Are you kidding me, Damon?
She watched as the regret and guilt filled his eyes as he stared into the lens. She leaned back into the headboard, pulling the covers over her. The film played out, she observed him drinking out of a bottle and ending up in the living room sitting in front of the fire. Suddenly, the video cuts to him making pancakes and Bonnie laughs as he makes a comment on how much he loves that she hates them. The feed cuts out again and suddenly he is sitting on the couch, drinking his bourbon.
"I guess it's not so bad being here. If I was honest, I would say I have an annoying witch to thank for that." Damon pauses and looks down at his drink. He smirks and swirls around his tumbler. He raises his hand to his mouth and rubs his mouth thoughtfully.
"I never thought, Judgey of all people, would believe that there was hope for someone like me." He smiles at the camera and raised his glass in its direction. "To hope and optimism, Bon-Bon."
Bonnie smiled shakily. Her fingers brushed the screen lightly over his face. The picture changed again and her fingers fell away. The camera was walking through the hallway into the living room. It was nighttime and the fire was going again. She could hear Damon's footsteps from behind the camera. The red couch came into view again, but this time, Bonnie could make out a head of brown hair laying on the arm of the sofa. She sat up straighter on Damon's bed, watching the camera curve around the couch. She saw the image of herself sleeping on the couch fill out the frame. The camera shakes and is finally set down on what most likely is the coffee table.
Damon's jean covered legs come into the picture as he walks over to the couch and grabs a blanket from the back of the chair behind him.
Bonnie lays her free hand over her mouth in surprise as she watches Damon covers her sleeping form and pulls out the Grimoire from her body. He lifts her legs a bit and sits down, placing them on his lap, He looks over at her and sighs.
"Falling asleep trying to find a way to stop another psychopath. What a fucking surprise." Damon shook his head and let his hands fall on Bonnie's legs. The Bonnie in the video squirms a little bit before resting again. His eyebrows draw in concentration. He takes a deep breath and looks over at the unconscious witch.
"I'm not going to let you play hero again. We're both going to get out." Bonnie notices his hands start to rub her feet subconsciously. She's a little embarrassed to see herself moan a little in her sleep at the ministrations but Damon barely even notices. Worry sketched all over his face.
"I don't know what Kai is up to but he isn't going to pull anymore bullshit. Not with me here." He leans over and brushed the hair out of her face. "Why the fuck do you put faith in me? Your expectations make me more worried than Stefan's 80's hair did." He went back to rubbing her feet. "Trust me, that's a lot of worry." He snorted but quickly sobered up. Determination rounded his face.
"How do you do it? How do you make me want to meet your crazy, unwanted expectations? How do you keep hope in something that I lost hope in almost two centuries ago?" He shakes his head and laughs uncharacteristically.
"I knew you were a little off in the head, little witch." Damon turned his head and looked straight at the camera. "But I wouldn't want you any other way. Judgey, stubborn, and hopeful. That's who you are and I hate to say it…but I think I'm stuck with you. But you can't get rid of me either. Friends to the end and all that. " Damon rolls his eyes and glances down at the feet he is rubbing. "But the whole self-sacrificing stunts, those can go. You're here because of them. And damn it, Bonnie, you're not a fucking hero. You're a semi-competent witch who throws her life away. We're selfish and we take advantage of it." He got quite for a moment. "I took advantage of it." He adjusted uncomfortably into the back of the sofa. "You're the best one out of all of us but damn do you suck at being selfish. You're not gunna like this, but piece of advice Judgey, pull a Damon and put Bonnie Bennett first. "
Bonnie looked away from the video, blinking away her tears.
"And don't ever lose hope, Bonnie. I need you to hold onto it for me." Bonnie's eyes reeled back to the picture in shock to see Damon, affectionately looking down at her sleeping self. He stood up and lifted her up, walking out into the hall out of the frame. "Also, you will never see this tape. Ever."
Bonnie set the camera down and scooched down on the bed, her body sinking back down into the sheets. Her hand rested on her forehead as she looked up at the ceiling of his bedroom. Emotions swirled within her. Anger at his truthfulness. Pride at his desire to be a better man because of her. Sadness at the reality of her losses over the years. And finally, joy that he is finally learning to hope.
She sighed.
He wasn't able to keep his promise. But maybe it was better this way. Maybe she could learn something from him too. It was time for Bonnie to be selfish. She had no one else to rely on now, anyways. Just her.
She closed her eyes and folded her hands over her chest. She could feel her heart swell with the freedom of it all. She was a Bennett witch for God's sake and she would find a way to get her magic back. It was time for her to get the fuck out of this place. She fell into a peaceful sleep, her hope slowly growing with each breath. Gone unnoticed, a tiny flame lit on a lone candle on the bedside table.
Never lose hope, little bird.
To be continued…
