So I'm probably for now going to make a monthly update. I have to go to rehab now everyday for two weeks, won't get home till three in the afternoon and gave three hours of schoolwork after that... Sorry. And also the freaking keyboard on my tablet stopped working so I have to type on my iPod. Mail it to myself and then copy and paste it to Fanfiction. Shit.

Disclaimer: I don't own khr. Enjoy~


Xanxus grunted as he wiggled to get comfortable in his large throne chair. Normally he would've been relaxing upstairs in his room with a bottle of vodka but that stupid illusionist insisted he had an important matter to discuss.

It probably had something to do with the cow he'd fattened up that one time. Ever since that piece of trash Belphegor told him about Steak Dinner. Fran wouldn't stop following him around, asking for details about the cow and his love for it.

So Xanxus finally snapped. Said something about beastiality. And sent the illusionist flying out the door and into the wall.

He thought he had finally gotten rid of the problem, but noooo. Fran was probably going to do something outrageous again seeing as how instantly all the lights shut off causing Lussuria to shriek in a girly way. Tough sun guardian his ass.

"Thank you all for coming." Fran's voice came from somewhere in the shadows, it was deeper meaning he was trying but failing at disguising his voice. It probably didn't help that everything he said was in monotone...

"Shut up and get on with it, trash." Xanxus said standing up to leave but Squalo handed him a bottle of red wine so he instantly sat down again and started gulping down the nasty liquid. Squalo had several more cases behind him in order to get through this presentation of 'Flan's'.

Fran who had been mumbling to himself for quite some time now, launched into action when a large plunking sound signaled Bel had hit perfectly on target. Metal hit the floor and Bel vowed to strangle him for that later.

"I am about to tell you the story of a man and his cow." He drawled, everyone groaned but Fran continued on. "There once was a Texan bandit who was known throughout all the wild Wild West for the scars on his face, the cow he rode and the fact that he only drank alcohol."

Fran snapped his fingers and instantly illusions clear as day danced across the floor. The 'lone ranger' looked exactly like, "you're shitting me." Xanxus groaned as he realized it looked exactly like him and steak dinner. Everyone else was either silent with disgust or amazement at the sight of Xanxus happily riding a bovine. -The illusions talk for themselves. -"Faster Steak Dinner." Xanxus's urged on his blazing cow as she ran faster than a bullet.

"VOOOOIIII YOU LITTLE BRATS!" Screamed Squalo as he struggled against the tight rope that secured him to the tracks. Cleverly tied by Belphegor and his buddy Fran. Two of the most notorious criminals in the west.

"Ushishishi." Snickered Bel. Fran looked from Squalo to Bel, then back again, then forth again, and back and fourth several times until his senpai was severely annoyed. "MWUAHAHAHAHAHA~" He burst out in the usual monotone, twirling his French mustache with vigor and snazz.

Everything was black and white like one of those old time silent films, so the words just flashed onto the screen because their voices couldn't be heard at all.

"Pink dressuji~" Whistled Fran. Instantly Squalo was wearing a frilly pink dress with so much lace it could choke the abdominal snowman. His silver hair was tied up into a pretty bun with a lacy bow, and a matching pink parasol. He had the makeup to go with it too. Fran gave him the full works.

"What? The lipstick couldn't even be Mary Kay?!" Screamed Squalo as he tried to get free from the bounds. "We couldn't find the right color, shi." Shrugged Bel as he threw Fran over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, jumped on his unicorn Magical Rainbow Dreams and sped off into the distance of nothingness.

"AND TO ALL A GOOD DEATH!" Fran made sure to scream. Bel merely snickered in agreement.

"What is it my little Steak?" Asked Xanxus in an unusually soft voice as he prepared to rape the struggling bovine. Steak Dinner made a couple of raspy mooing sounds and nodded towards the train. He squinted and noticed a rather ugly lady (Squalo) tied to the tracks.

"To hell with him!" Xanxus growled moving to unzip his pants but Steak Dinner rolled away flipping him on her back and charged towards the tracks. He rolled his eyes.

Swooping down in a batman costume he stole off some child's body he grabbed Squalo off the tracks. His eyes happened to meet Squalo's they stared at eat other deeply, for a long, long time. Before Xanxus finally threw him into the nearest dumpster.

"I can't believe I saved such an ugly woman." He coughed riding away to the nearest bar because Steak Dinner refused to give him it. Angrily he ditched his cow and stomped into the bar where he ordered a brandy and was immediately given one by the stylish peacock bartender.

"I'm gay." Lussuria said seriously giving a little twirl as Xanxus stared at him in disbelief. "My plant wants to touch your cow." More staring. "You would look good in rouge." Xanxus finally had enough and threw his glass at Lussuria's head, then one at the plant beside him. Watching in satisfaction as both slumped to the floor.

"And that's why we value each others friendship." Declared Fran popping out of nowhere with a toddler Belphegor on his back, sucking his knife quite diligently. "Yay~" cheered Xanxus with his cow giving it a kiss and a squeeze to the others while Lussuria who was raised from the dead cried over his dearly departed plant fiancé.

And Squalo hobbled in remarking something about a groper and jelly boobs. Levi was shot even before he made it into the story so it wasn't really a big deal.

The End.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS TRASH?!" Screamed Xanxus stomping up the stairs. While Lussuria tried to refrain Bel from strangling his kohai for the toddler scene. Squalo screamed about having better things to do and ripped out one of Levi's piercings. The lightening guardian had to go to the ER.

The whole while Xanxus had secretly holed himself up inside his room. Watching old home movies of him and his illicit relationship with the dear Steak Dinner. "Rest in pieces." He muttered wiping his nose and throwing a hammer at one of the neighborhood children.


I don't know anymore. This has to be one of the worst oneshots I've ever made. I'm going to be a lazy ass and sleep instead of caring.

Read and Review.