College. Is. Hard. Fun, but hard. I have taken an indeterminate hiatus from all of my writing, not just this story, for several reasons, school being only one of them. I have been having a difficult time with several other things that are very out of my control yet rather degrading to my nerves and devastating to my mental stability. And in light of that, I am now dedicating this story to a friend of mine who as of December 6, 2013, is no longer suffering from personhood. He always supported my writing and I pray that wherever he is, he is continuing to.
Disclaimer: Ouran and its wonderful characters do not belong to me. I merely remove them from their element and thrust them into my own alternate universe.
The girl needed a name, Tamaki decided. He was unaccustomed to tending to a patient and being incapable of using their name when he attempted reassurances. There was something very calming to children – or hysterical people in general – about using their names. Knowing a person's name let them know he cared about them. But this girl without a name was inconsolable. Putting on his stethoscope, Tamaki explained gently, "I'm going to use this to listen to your heart and lungs, all right? It won't hurt, I promise."
She sat perfectly rigid, her body pulsating with violent trembles, and she held the stuffed horse tight against her small body as he placed the silver circle on her chest and listened to her heartbeat. It was very fast, proving further her anxiety and fear to him. Tamaki hated that he scared her so much.
He moved his stethoscope to her back to listen to her lungs, and she squeezed her eyes shut, tears beading her eyelashes and threatening to spill out. Tamaki, hoping to get everything that needed to be done for the girl over with as quickly and comfortably as possible, began to ask her to breathe in for him.
But before he could finish the question – before he could even say the word breathe – she sucked in a lungful of air through clenched teeth and held it. Tamaki was so shocked he almost forgot to listen to her lung functions. This was a girl who, under her circumstances, shouldn't have been to a doctor in years and years – and she seemed to know exactly what she needed to do for him.
The mystery deepens, Tamaki thought sullenly as she exhaled. He moved his stethoscope to the other side of her back and she breathed in again. How had she known that was what he needed her to do? Even patients who came in regularly for exams had to be reminded a majority of the time. Nerves made people forgetful.
Tamaki removed the prongs of the stethoscope from his ears and pocketed the instrument, exchanging it for a penlight. He clicked it on and showed it to her. She stared at the light with suspicion in her gaze, reaching out a trembling hand and attempting to stifle the light with her finger. She gasped when the light turned her finger red and looked up at Tamaki with suddenly wide, curious eyes. He smiled. She was more like a child than he had originally thought. As she tested the light with her other fingers, leaving her toy horse on the table next to her as she did so and constantly flinching whenever Tamaki shifted his weight as though she expected him to punish her for her experimentation, Tamaki asked, "Isn't that interesting? The light goes straight through your fingers."
Her eyes sparkled for a brief moment as she tested her final finger, her left thumb, and then she withdrew her hands and folded them in her lap, dropping her head. Tamaki sighed as her demeanor returned to frightened and pitiful, losing any childlike wonder she had adopted mere moments ago. "It's okay. I'm not mad. I like to see you have a bit of fun," he reassured her, his heart twisting to imagine her life if merely testing how a light shone through her fingertips brought her such joy. She lifted her head very slowly, looking back up at him with that piercing green gaze as though she wasn't sure whether she should believe him. He kept smiling, holding up the penlight for her regard. "I'm going to shine this in your eyes. It might be uncomfortable, but it won't hurt. Just… follow my finger when I hold it up, okay?" He realized halfway through his explanation that she probably knew what to do, judging by her reaction from the stethoscope, and finished his feeble description on an awkward note. Like he'd suspected, she followed his instructions to a T, never closing her eyes even as they watered. She rubbed them vigorously with one hand once Tamaki had shut the light off and repocketed it.
Tamaki sighed, watching her open her eyes again and blink rapidly several times. "Talk to me, honey," he begged quietly, opening a cupboard to look for a tongue depressor. She was eerily calm for an abuse victim. All he wanted was for her to tell him something, anything. A name, for starters. He watched in contemplation as she picked up her stuffed horse and hugged it against herself again, burying her face in its mane so that everything below her iridescent green eyes was hidden behind fake fur.
Locating the tongue depressors, his fingers brushed against the small package of Ativan. He bit his bottom lip. He hated that he was going to be forced to drug her, but it couldn't be denied that she would need help relaxing… because as much as he knew she would hate it, and probably him for it… she needed a pelvic exam. Despising himself just a tiny bit, he pulled out a package of Ativan and slipped it into his pocket next to the penlight.
Returning his attention to the girl, he showed her the tongue depressor. He felt like he should have been surprised when she immediately pulled her face out of the stuffed horse's mane and opened her mouth as wide as she appeared to be able to, but by that point he half expected it. She was ominously familiar with medical exams; Tamaki didn't like it. He wondered just how many times she'd done this in her life. Dozens? Hundreds? Who knew how long she'd been a prisoner or to what extent her captors' fetishes had gone? He inspected her throat by pressing down on her tongue with the small strip of wood, and for the first time since he'd begun the examination, she failed to follow protocol. She remained silent.
"Can you say ah for me, sweetheart?" Tamaki pressed gently. Her eyes grew wide and before he could properly react, she had clamped her mouth shut tight, her lips pursed around the tongue depressor as she hugged the stuffed horse tighter still for comfort. Beholding the terror in her expression and seeing her restless hands as they fisted in the horse's mane, Tamaki felt an incredible pang of gratitude for Renge's quick thinking. He wasn't sure how the girl would have been coping so far without it. "Okay," he sighed, delicately tugging the tongue depressor from her mouth.
Speaking of Renge… the softest of knocks came from the door, and the girl gasped and looked towards the door with terror etched in every nuance of her expression. Tamaki immediately made to calm her with gentle reassurances. "It's all right. There's nothing here to hurt you. It's just a friend of mine."
The girl's bottom lip trembled as he crossed the room and opened up the door, careful to slip through it so that she wouldn't see Renge standing outside. One more person would be far too overwhelming for her to deal with. "Do you have it?" he asked, rubbing his temples and letting out a long sigh.
"Is it not going well?" Renge inquired, the already profound look of concern on her face deepening as she passed him the small container of applesauce and the plastic spoon she'd retrieved from the cafeteria.
"It's going too well. That's the point," Tamaki admitted. He could feel a headache coming on, and the guilt of what he was about to do was twisting in his stomach, making him feel sick. He'd never seen a case like this one before. "She shouldn't be so…" he trailed off, realizing halfway through his flustered disclosure that he still had an obligation to the girl as his patient to keep her case confidential. "At any rate, thank you, Renge," he sighed, indicating the applesauce before turning back to the door.
"I'll be right out here if you need anything else," he heard Renge offer just before he shut the door behind him. Tamaki's eyes immediately went to the girl, who remained sitting on the examination table with all of what little muscle mass she had tensed with her face still buried in the stuffed horse's mane.
His heart continuing to twist within his chest, Tamaki went to Miss Jonochi's side and spoke lowly to ensure the girl would not hear him even though he wasn't entirely sure she understood much of what he did say in the first place. "Miss Jonochi, in light of this girl's current state, I am going to have to perform a pelvic exam. The girl doesn't appear to be able to give me consent herself, so… what I would like is your permission to medicate her for anxiety, otherwise I fear the process will be… much more difficult than it is already sure to be. Is that all right?"
The woman's jaw went rigid as she considered the proposition. Tamaki could practically hear her brain processing the request through the tense silence. After a few very uncomfortable moments, she let out a long breath and asked reluctantly, "You're sure that's necessary?"
He sighed heavily, wishing he could make the feeling of being a terrible person go away. It may be for the girl's own good, but he hated taking away even a tiny piece of what little control she had over her life. "I'm afraid so."
Miss Jonochi's voice was flat and without emotion when she replied. "Do what you have to for her."
Tamaki's stomach churned as he pulled the package of Ativan from his pocket. He hated this. He'd never had to medicate a patient during an exam like this. He just scrawled out prescriptions. Sure he'd given children vaccines, but that was different. Everything about this girl and her situation was different.
As he opened the package and pulled out one of the little white pills, he felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up at Miss Jonochi's stern face. "Just one," she said unwaveringly, though Tamaki felt her hand trembling slightly before she pulled it away. "Enough to keep her calm. Not to knock her out."
Tamaki nodded as he peeled the cover off the applesauce cup. His hands remained steady, a symptom of his profession. His hands never shook, even when he was nervous or concerned. He hid the pill in a spoonful and turned to the girl, whose face remained buried in her stuffed horse.
Hating himself, Tamaki began to coax the girl into taking the spoonful. "Hey, sweetie," he said soothingly, and she lifted her face just enough for her incredible green eyes to regard him holding the spoon out to her in offering. "I've got something for you."
She stared at him without making any motion for the spoon. She remained completely still. She didn't even blink.
"Are you hungry?" Tamaki asked her, wishing he could be offering her food merely for the sake of offering it. He disliked having an agenda for something like drugging a helpless girl through a spoonful of applesauce. "I know it's not much, but you can have this if you want."
Painfully slowly, she unfurled her limbs, never taking her eyes off of Tamaki. She lifted her hands and held them out, palms upturned. Tamaki could see them shaking.
Tamaki assumed that was her way of acknowledging something was being offered to her and she was submissively waiting for it to be given. Gently, careful that his fingertips didn't brush against her upturned palms, Tamaki poised the spoon's handle in her grasp, not letting go until her fingers curled clumsily about it.
Despising everything he was in that moment, he watched her raise the spoon to her lips in that awkward grasp she had on it, and she ate it. Almost as if it would right the wrong, he held the remainder of the cup of applesauce out to her and he jumped when she snatched it from him eagerly. Her eyes were shining for the first time, not with tears, but with some semblance of joy. He realized how little food she must have received from her captors and his heart twisted again.
She dropped the spoon, which startled him as it clattered to the floor, and she took to the applesauce with her fingers, dipping two into the food and scooping it into her mouth. The stuffed horse lay on its side next to her, forgotten momentarily in light of the applesauce, which had her full attention. When she had finished, swiping her finger around the inside of the cup to ensure she hadn't missed a drop, she dropped it onto the floor next to the spoon and picked up her stuffed horse again, hugging it to her chest this time rather than burying her face in it as she stared at Tamaki. He felt her eyes, ever watchful, as he picked up the plastic spoon and empty cup and threw them away.
Within five minutes she was visibly affected by the drug, her shoulders slumping and her eyelids drooping. Tamaki looked towards Miss Jonochi. "I might need your help with her."
She hesitated. Tamaki guessed the situation was making her nervous, and he didn't blame her. "Don't you need… a nurse present, or… something?" she asked tensely, her eyes scanning the girl, who by now looked half-asleep on the examining table.
"Not if you'll agree to be the female witness," Tamaki replied hoarsely, praying that she would. He didn't want the girl subjected to any more new people. He was terrified of overstimulating her.
To his relief, she didn't argue. "All right." She approached the table slowly, reaching out to touch the girl's shoulder but stopping before her hand made contact. She lowered her hand and looked to Tamaki for direction. "What do you need from me?"
She's just another patient, Tamaki tried convincing himself to alleviate the guilt welling in his chest. No different from any of the others. Get it together. "Lay her down for me," he requested. He needed to be a doctor now, not a sympathetic observer. This girl was hurt. She needed a diagnosis. As Miss Jonochi did as he asked, murmuring reassuringly to the girl as she guided her shoulders back so she was lying on her back, Tamaki pulled out the metal stirrups, wincing at the noise they made as he set them in place. The sound was like a gunshot in the tense silence.
And the girl whimpered, a sound far more jarring to Tamaki than the metal click he'd been responsible for. He looked up at Miss Jonochi's appalled expression and then at the girl. Her eyes were glistening with tears again and she was looking at him as though his sole reason for existing was to make her life even more miserable. It was the first sound she'd made since he'd arrived in the room, and judging by the way she looked, it was going to be the first of many whimpering protests as he examined her.
"I'm sorry," he apologized softly, meaning every word. "I'm so sorry. I wouldn't be doing any of this if it wasn't going to help you in the long run." Wishing he could help her to stop being scared, he gently took one of her feet and guided it into position.
She whimpered in response. Tamaki wondered if she wasn't struggling against him because of her trained behavioral responses or the Ativan as he positioned her other foot.
From the head of the table came a small, pitiful voice. "N... no."
Tamaki snapped his head up to Miss Jonochi, but she hadn't spoken. She was staring with her mouth half-open at the girl, who had uttered her first word at last. "Oh, my god," she whispered. She looked like she was in pain. Looking to Tamaki for instruction, she asked hoarsely, "What do I do?"
The girl was lethargic, an effect of the drug, but the plea in her emerald eyes was unmistakable. Tears rolled out of them and into her tangled hair.
Tamaki could barely speak himself. "Do you want me to proceed?" he asked, looking to Miss Jonochi as the girl's guardian, under the circumstances.
She bit her lip, looking regretful, but nodded.
"Then just… keep her still," he pleaded, pulling a lamp and a stool to the foot of the table and seating himself. He had to remain clinical. Finish his examination. Afterwards he could concern himself with the girl's sudden ability to speak. He pulled on a pair of latex gloves and clicked the lamp on.
"Stop," the girl whimpered. She would have been hysterical if not for the Ativan, Tamaki was sure. "No…"
Miss Jonochi took the girl's hand into hers and wiped the tears spilling from her eyes away. "It's okay, sweetie," she whispered, desperate to comfort the poor nameless child. "It'll all be over soon. He's not going to hurt you." Looking to Tamaki as he prepared the speculum she begged, "Dr. Suoh, please hurry."
"I'll be as quick as I can," Tamaki assured her, keeping an amazingly calm façade given the circumstances. "I don't want her to be unhappy either."
He went into autopilot, for fear that thinking too much about the procedure would make it impossible to perform. "I'm going to touch you now, all right?" he asked, delicately laying his hand on the inside of the girl's thigh. The medication was keeping her muscles relaxed, and he inserted the speculum with ease.
The girl moaned in fear as he opened the instrument and conducted his examination, mostly wordless protests. Occasionally she would shake her head back and forth, tears staining her cheeks. Tamaki clenched his teeth, trying to be quick about it. He knew this couldn't be pleasant for her, even with the Ativan.
Feeling sick, Tamaki pulled the speculum out and set it aside. Bright red blood glistened on the plastic tips. "All right," he said numbly, taking the girl's feet and guiding them out of the stirrups. "It's alright. I'm done."
The girl's every motion was sluggish, but once Tamaki announced he was finished she pulled her legs into her chest and held the stuffed horse close to her heart, breaking down in choked sobs. "Bad," she cried, her voice strained.
Tamaki didn't know what he could do anymore for her. There was no way to assure her he hadn't meant her any harm. There was nothing he could do to comfort her, however badly he wanted to. This poor little girl who had been through so much and seen the worst of humanity – been the victim of the worst of humanity – he just wanted to wrap her in his arms and never let her go, never let her be hurt again.
Miss Jonochi adopted her official air again, though it was somewhat shaken. "Did you find anything? Is she alright?"
Tamaki rubbed his temples as he sat in his desk chair. He wished the girl would stop crying. He hated to hear anyone crying, but especially this poor little thing, crying out of fear and most likely pain and the indignity of what she must have felt was being violated yet again by a complete stranger. "Her cervix is scarred," he said gravely. "It could be for a couple of different reasons; surgery, trauma… and I'm guessing we know which." He pulled the gloves off and threw them away before running a hand through his gold hair. "More than that, her cervix is inflamed. It bled when I touched it. I'd like to prescribe some antibiotics for her to take that should help. I could take a blood sample to check for STI's, but…" he looked over at the examination table, where the girl was still sobbing quietly into her stuffed horse. "I think she's had more than enough for today."
"I would say so," Miss Jonochi agreed, watching Tamaki scribble out a prescription for the girl. He tore it off his pad and handed it to her.
"Get her on those as soon as you can," he advised, dropping his pen with a sigh. "The prescription is for Jane Doe."
"Thank you." She tucked the prescription into a briefcase alongside a manila folder stuffed with sheets of paper. The girl's case file, Tamaki assumed.
Miss Jonochi went to the girl's side and began coaxing her down off the table. As soon as the girl understood she was allowed to get down, she practically toppled off of it, keeping the stuffed horse firmly in her grasp. She looked at Tamaki distrustingly and hid behind Miss Jonochi. "Bad," she mumbled again. "Doctor bad."
"I'm sorry." The apology poured from his lips without thought. He was sorry. He was sorry for what had happened to her. He was sorry he had caused her further pain.
Miss Jonochi began to usher the girl towards the door. The girl, far more compliant under the effects of the Ativan, obeyed without protest, shuffling her feet. Miss Jonochi kept a hand on the girl's back to ensure she didn't tip over.
"What's going to happen to her?" Tamaki asked abruptly, unable to bear the uncertainty. He had to know she was going to be alright. "Where are you going to take her?"
He supposed he should have expected the answer he received. Miss Jonochi, back to her brisk, official self, adjusted her glasses and said bluntly, "I'm afraid any further information on the girl's case is classified information."
Tamaki felt his stomach sink as she opened the door, and then the nameless girl was gone from his sight. He sat down and buried his face in his hands. Tears were threatening at the corner of his eyes. All he could see in his head was the girl's green eyes, glistening with tears as she silently pleaded to him not to hurt her. He was so sorry he couldn't fulfill that plea.
He wiped roughly at his eyes and turned around. He had a prescription to call in. And after that, he was taking the rest of the day off. He didn't think he could handle another patient this afternoon. He wasn't sure he'd ever be able to look at another patient the same way ever again.
And that's chapter two. I am so sorry for the delay and I am sorry for further delays which are sure to occur. Let me just assure you that I am continuing with this story – it's just been difficult to write lately. I hope you enjoyed this installment. It was much harder for me to write than I thought it would be.
Review? Please? They honestly light some sort of fire in me and I assure you, the more reviews I get the faster you will be seeing chapter three. Also, just to be a bit selfish, I could use as much positivity in my life as I can get and reviews are a wonderful source of self-worth for me.
I love you all and thank you for reading.
Cantica, out.
