Author's Note: This story isn't beta-read yet. And since English is my second language, there might be some mistakes in grammar and punctuation for which I like to apologize in advance. Please, feel free to point them all out to me in the feedback. Although, if anyone is interested in beta-reading this, please let me know.
Disclaimer: They do not belong to me.
xxx
"I couldn't, but I assume Louis loved her, so-"
He knows it's the wrong thing to say (again) even before it is out of his mouth, but he says it anyway. He briefly wonders whether some part of his fucked up mind is actually trying to sabotage him at this. It wouldn't be the first time – he is pretty good at unconsciously sabotaging his own relationships. He did it with Zoe and he did it with Scottie. Donna was the one who called him out on it. Both times.
And he can't let that happen with her too. He just can't-
"-Do what you need to do."
"Oh, because she was his secretary, he must have loved her."
He can hardly blame her for following up on that one. And since he still can't help behaving like a complete dick about this thing, he can't even blame her for being pissed at him.
"That's not what I meant-"
He's desperate to get this right – but at the same time he's at a complete loss as how to get this right – or what right would look like exactly. She of all people should know that he doesn't have a fucking plan. He didn't have one the other night when he told her that he loved her and he sure as hell doesn't have one right now. The only thing he knows is that he can't lose her.
-You know why.-
And he puts all his faith in her to figure it out, because she just had to know. She just has to have a plan. He can't navigate these uncharted waters without her – and she knows that too.
"But it is what you said."
Her tone is sharp and right on the edge of accusatory now and for the first time since all of this started, he feels himself getting angry at her too. He's beginning to think that he might not be able to count on her wisdom to get them out of this after all because, apparently, he's not the only one who's behaving like a dick about this.
He comes forward with his feelings – something he knows, she knows is a hard thing for him to do – and then she's just gone all day without as much as leaving him a note as to where she's at. Only to come after him fist chance she gets, because he's at a loss as how to process any of this accurately – which, to be honest, shouldn't come as a surprise to either of them.
Again, he's pretty sure it is the wrong thing to say, because the last thing he indented to do is to get into a fight with her about this, but he says it anyway:
"Okay, Donna. What's wrong?"
And of course he knows it is a dumb question. He knows what's wrong. And he is not that much of an emotional idiot to expect her not to ever follow up on what he said to her last night. But he's angry now and his accusatory tone matches hers.
"How about we start with the fact that I have been wondering for the last ten hours if you're going to acknowledge what happened last night. But you're you, so of course you're not."
It's not fair. He hasn't even seen her in the last ten hours. She had been gone already when he came in this morning and he hasn't talked to her since. But it doesn't matter because he already knows that the reason she's pissed at him is not because he hadn't brought it up in the past ten hours. It is because he told her that he loved her and then walked out on her as if that was a normal thing to do. And of course she was right, when she assumed that he hadn't intended to ever bring it up again - hadn't his own brain just sabotaged him into doing so.
He suddenly thinks that this conversation might be easier if they didn't already know everything about each other. Or if they at least tried to stop bullshitting each other.
"I'm not gonna acknowledge it because nothing happened last night." Yeah, right. Good one, Harvey. Instead of trying to stop bullshitting, he's trying to deflect now.
"Why? And don't tell me I know why." Didn't she?
Again, it's not fair because the question she's asking is exactly the same that she already asked last night. And, ironically, the answer is too. But he doesn't think he can say that again and so he says instead,
"Because it would have been a mistake, and you know it." Doesn't she?
Even so he is in defense mode now, he truly means that. He hadn't actually intended to say what he said last night – mostly because he really assumes she already knows, had known before he did, and that therefore it didn't really need to be said out loud at all – and he had already recklessly and selfishly put their friendship and there working relationship on the line. He wasn't going to sleep with her out of impulse, or out of desperation for her to stay with him. It is the only part in this huge mess that he has created with his confession that he actually files under adult and responsible behavior on his part. And so it infuriates him beyond reason when she doesn't back off but instead tries to pressure him even more.
"What I know is something happened, and you ran away, but not before you told me you loved me."
His response, therefore, is immediate, loud and contemptuous and he can tell by the way her anger becomes palpable in the room that this just got really ugly.
"I did that because I wanted to make you feel better."
As usual, he's aware that it is definitely the wrong thing to say, it might even be the worst thing to say, - I told you that I love you to make you feel better - but he doesn't immediately regret it this time. He's angry at her now for not understanding. For not knowing – despite the fact that she is Donna – that he sure as hell wasn't going to jeopardize their working relationship and their friendship for something he didn't know they could have.
The last time they crossed that particular line it ended in a disaster that almost cost them both a future that hadn't even started yet. She had to know that he wasn't going to recklessly sacrifice everything they had together – that he couldn't just do that because to him the risk of losing her to another failed relationship was far higher than their decade old friendship-zone status quo arrangement. He knows it is selfish, but he wants her in his life without the complications of a romantic relationship. And he knows she knows all of that.
And yet, there she is, standing in the middle of his office trying to back him into a corner because to her, I love you, Donna just isn't gonna cut it. Even so the last time they have touched this particular subject, she has made a point of being very much Not . In . Love . With . You, Harvey.
So he plans on sticking to what he just said, until he realizes how much he's hurt and insulted her and he knows he got them both in even deeper shit with his statement than before.
"What did you just say to me?" He hates the contempt that suddenly fills her voice and even though he's aware that he's not handling this right at all, this is not what he intended to happen when he told her that he loves her. So for both of them he's trying to backpedal.
"That's not what I meant – I didn't say that-"
But Donna cuts him off, head high voice pitched, while she retreats to his office door. "-because you pity me?" And even so he's now really pissed at her, he also doesn't want this conversation to end like that. So he has no other choice but to repeat his word from last night.
"No, I said it because I love you, and I wanted you to know it."
He's aware that he's said it like she's one of his more short-tempered clients, who just won't understand that he was the one making the calls considering their legal situation. And of course, that makes him a dick all over again because now he's handling her like a business case. But at least he's good at that and, come to think of it, said out loud, it all sounded pretty damn simple. Just like the night before he's surprised at how easy it is to tell her that he loves her. Albeit in a heated argument in his don't-bullshit-me-I-m-Harvey-Specter tone he usually reserves for his most difficult clients, the second time in ten hours, after over a decade of navigating through this strange maze that is their relationship, it somehow just feels like the simplest thing in the world. I love you, Donna. End of story.
But of course it is not the end because he expects her to just let it go – at least for now. I love you, Donna – no strings attached. But at least it gets her to turn around and use it as ammunition, which he thinks then, had been her intention all along.
Donna balances herself in front of his desk, her head high, her expression unreadable even to him and her stare hard. Her voice doesn't falter when she finally asks the question she came in here to ask to begin with,
"Love me how?"
She knows he can't – won't – answer that – partly because he doesn't want to, partly because he doesn't know how, but mostly because the answer would leave him even more vulnerable. And he certainly can't have that right now. But she nonetheless doesn't hesitate to repeat herself when he's immediately trying to give her an evasive answer. She cuts him off again.
"Love me how?"
And he thinks that she is just being cruel now. But in the back of his mind he knows he has done the same thing to her. He never let her get away with an evasive answer in ten years.
Harvey stubbornly falls silent and he knows that makes him a selfish bastard. But then again, this is not fair at all. He's told her that he loves her, for Christ's sake! Twice in the last ten hours. Without any expectations. Without expecting any answers. And now she wants him to show her all of his cards just like that, while she doesn't even have to play any? That didn't sound like a fair deal.
But it gets worse when she says,
"That's what I thought." Yeah, it is also what he thought she thought. They've both already figured it out, but because they just know each other far too well to bullshit each other.
So Donna decides to cut to the chase and tell him that, of course, she knows exactly why. He doesn't expect any less. But her voice isn't as calm and controlled anymore as it was before. She's more than a little agitated now and part of him hates that he can do this to her.
"You either can't answer or you won't, which is bullshit, because obviously, you don't just look at me this way. You're capable of looking at me that way, but you don't want to let those worlds collide because you're afraid to risk anything."
She is right, of course. He doesn't want to risk anything. Because the way he sees it, he's fucked up about every romantic relationship he has ever been in. And he just can't do this to Donna. Or to himself. So he goes back to being stubborn when he shouts at her,
"Because we have everything."
And for the first time since this conversation started, she says something that surprises him.
"No Harvey. You have everything."
Because for the first time it occurs to him that Donna assumes that he knows something about her too. And ironically enough, it is exactly the same thing.
Donna thinks that he thinks that she's in love with him.
Despite the fact that she's made it perfectly clear on multiple occasions that she is Donna-, and that Donna doesn't fall for other people just like that.
And the truth is, yes, Harvey does think that Donna loves him. He even knows it for a fact. She would've been long gone, if she didn't. But what he doesn't know is whether Donna still wants a romantic relationship with him. She's made it clear before, that it wasn't up to her to decide what was going to make him happy.
Despite their heated exchange, his heartbeat suddenly is far too loud in his own ears when he asks, "So you're saying you want everything?"
And despite his best efforts, he can feel his heart miss a beat or two as the seconds tick away and time stretches between them. The air in his office is thick and he has to swallow involuntarily because for a split second he feels like he won't be able to speak again.
Her voice is calm but raw with vulnerability when she finally says, "I don't know, Harvey, but what I do know is I don't want your pity."
And while he can feel something deep in his chest constrict when the panic sets in again, he thinks that her answer hurts far more than he had ever expected.
