[A/N: Thanks to those sticking with this story. One more chapter after this!]
Chapter 11
Now I'm just a basket case
CC blew into her apartment like a hurricane, the slam of the door echoing throughout the empty space. Her heart raced faster than it had during her run; she felt the blood pounding through her face.
How dare he—
Who did he think he—
What did he expect—
CC nearly growled in frustration. The man prevented her ability to form coherent mental sentences.
First, he showed up reminding her of the embarrassing things she'd said while drunk. Wasn't there a social code prohibiting that? Then, he had the nerve—the goddamn nerve—to suggest that she ruined things for him? Oh ho ho, oh ho ho, Butler Boy didn't stand a chance after that. CC had finally let loose all the things he'd deserved to hear since he first started moping around the mansion in his robe with his pints of ice cream. She watched as her words dismantled the pedestal he'd concocted for himself out of self-pity and a false notion of victimhood. Normally, she didn't deploy such tactics against the butler; out of a strange sense of loyalty, CC never wanted to actually tear him down the way choreographers and lighting contractors deserved.
But, CC thought, he deserved it. Because then he'd made his sad eyes and reminded her that he'd asked her—oh yes, he'd asked her, of course, and from that, CC was to deduce exactly what he meant and felt and understand that it wasn't the set-up for a joke about how he had a relationship and she didn't.
"Oh, sure, hey, Miss Babcock, my stupid girlfriend said she doesn't want me to see you anymore, what do you think of that?" CC said aloud, crushing her empty water bottle and throwing it across the room. It fell unsatisfyingly to the ground, making nary a sound, and CC restrained herself from throwing anything with more heft. He wasn't worth it.
Yes, he'd asked her, and how exactly was she supposed to say to him that it genuinely hurt her feelings that he'd considered agreeing to it? He should have laughed in that silly woman's face at the idea that he'd stop talking to someone he'd known for fifteen years. But of course the near-celibate butler chose the sure thing. When it came right down to it, to the nitty-gritty, stark, painful truth, Niles always chose someone else over her. People usually did.
Still, CC congratulated herself for not knocking the butler out cold by that point. No, instead, she reminded him that nothing ever meant what it meant between them. There were too many layers and double-meanings to sift through before you ever got to the truth, and even then, it likely wasn't the truth but a falsehood spun out of the desire to protect oneself.
And the Oxford-educated butler (his entire life, CC decided, was an oxymoron) sputtered and stammered until he had the audacity, the gall, the balls to accuse her of being jealous. Jealous! CC Babcock, jealous?
CC let out a quick, disdainful laugh but stopped, unnerved by its echo.
Instead of then saying something, instead of trying to, in turn, blame CC and then pick her brain so she'd admit something first—did he actually think she'd ever admit anything first?—Niles turned fatalistic and claimed he'd tried.
CC shook her head, toeing off her sneakers and ripping her socks off as she headed towards her bedroom. The idea that Niles had tried was pathetic. If he truly thought anything he'd ever done towards or around CC could qualify as trying, then he really did need to just marry the caterer because it was unlikely he'd ever get any woman ever again.
Absolutely any time he'd come close to trying—and CC was fair, she allowed three separate times he'd tried in the past several months: the first time he'd asked her about Molly, when he'd visited her in the hospital, and the latest time he'd asked her about Molly—he ended up backpedaling so far that, were one to log his miles, he'd likely be back in England by now.
Didn't he know, didn't he understand that she needed more than an olive branch wrapped in hints and teases? How had he been in her life for fifteen years and still didn't know her well enough to know how she needed to be dealt with?
Did she miss him? Maybe. Was she jealous? What…that was such a…what did that even mean?
She pulled her halter over her head, tugged her ponytail loose, and turned on the shower, waiting for steam to billow around the bathroom.
Anger welled up in her again, dragging something that felt like sadness along with it, and CC stripped off the rest of her clothes and threw them violently at the hamper. She stepped into the shower, the water like bullets on her skin, and wished he'd never come to her building at all. What a horrible way to start her day. (Although waking up at 6am with a horrible hangover in the guest room at the Sheffield mansion wasn't exactly the greatest start to begin with, she granted.)
What was he even doing here, anyway? She pooled shampoo into her palm and lathered it in her hair, wondering if he'd tell Molly that he'd been to see her. That wouldn't go over well. Silver lining, CC thought grimly.
She finished her shower, her mouth set in an angry line, and ran a comb through her wet hair, watching in the mirror as a blurry figure did the same. Wringing the water out of her hair, CC wrapped a white towel around herself and thought that Niles was probably with Molly right now, eating brunch. She didn't know why she thought of brunch. It just seemed like something Molly would insist they do.
"Stop thinking about the butler!" CC demanded to herself in the mirror, pointing her comb at her reflection. She nodded and turned on her heel, heading into her bedroom to get dressed.
There was the other thing he'd said, of course. Things, if you counted his revision for clarity. That was…it was…well, CC didn't want to think about the other things he'd said. What was the point in getting a little hopeful about something that she'd likely misunderstood or he'd likely pretend he hadn't said?
There was no point in replying that she'd been expecting him to wait for her.
Glancing out of the panel window in her dressing room, she saw the sun shining and pulled down a navy blue cotton dress from her rack of dresses. No sense in wasting a beautiful day, she thought to herself as she slid the dress over her head. Chester would enjoy a walk in the park, too.
As she towel-dried her hair into soft waves, CC considered that at least work next week wouldn't be awkward since Niles didn't speak to her anymore when she was there. They'd always ignored the more emotional things that might occur between them (and there were quite a few drunk phone calls throughout the years that both parties politely pretended to have never happened), but a cloud of awkwardness hung over both of them as they feigned nonchalance. Things were there between them, a messy history and a wealth of embarrassments, and they didn't always go into hiding where they belonged when Niles and CC interacted throughout the day.
But now, CC thought as she sprayed hairspray in a halo around her head, she wouldn't have to make uncomfortable eye contact or figure out how to proceed. She grimaced a little when she realized this didn't offer as much relief as she'd hoped it would.
She applied nothing more than a light layer of mascara and a swoop of neutral eyeshadow before sliding her pedicured feet into a pair of flat silver sandals and walking into her living room.
"Want to take a walk, Chester?" CC asked. At the magic w-word, Chester launched himself from the couch and ran in frantic circles around her ankles as she stood at her closet, grabbing his leash from its hook.
She latched the leash to his collar and locked her door behind her. Dog and owner stepped into the elevator and CC broke into a light trot as Chester pulled her excitedly to the doors. John sent a smile her way, which CC returned, and the doorman held open the door, greeting Chester and then CC. The Pomeranian hurried onto the sidewalk and continued on the familiar path down two blocks to the entrance for Central Park near the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
Chester led CC to his favorite trees and landmarks while his owner enjoyed the warmth of sunshine on her shoulders. He paused to stare down other dogs and then rushed to the path around the Reservoir, slowing to a canter as he sniffed and took in his surroundings. All at once, Chester raced forward, tugging on the leash. He ran and began sniffing the leg of someone seated on a bench at the edge of the running track, rearing on his hind legs and scratching as though he wanted to be picked up.
"I'm sorry, my dog—" CC began, then stopped when she realized who it was. "—has bad taste."
Niles smirked up at her, squinting in the sun.
"What are you doing here?" she asked. Her voice didn't sound as angry as she wanted it to.
"I'm sitting on a bench in Central Park."
"I see that." CC watched Chester scratch at Niles's leg until Niles acquiesced and scratched the pup under his chin. She wondered if he'd been sitting there since he left her building that morning.
Niles glanced back up at CC and, finding that she still watched him, said, "Is that ok with you?"
She shrugged. "Do what you want. Come on, Chester." She began to walk off but the dog, so intent upon taking a walk earlier, now seemed content to stay with the butler. She tried, unsuccessfully, a few more times to get Chester to follow her and then sighed. She sat down next to Niles on the bench and found the wood warmed from the sun. "I'm surrounded by such stubborn men."
Niles remained quiet, now petting Chester's sides, and CC nearly squirmed from discomfort. Had she ever been in a silent Niles's presence? She didn't think so.
"All right, why are you sitting on a park bench by yourself like a sad old man?" CC suddenly demanded.
Niles eyed her and then turned his face back to Chester. "I am a sad old man."
CC snorted and continued watching him interact with her dog. "True, but you've never acted like it before."
"I thought you were angry with me, Miss Babcock," Niles told her in a quiet voice.
With almost a start of surprise, CC realized that she had been but that she'd forgotten. In all fairness, though, her behavior wasn't exactly unprecedented. How many times, throughout the years, had she been fuming mad with him and then shared a laugh about something unrelated twenty minutes later? It's how they were.
"I'm an adult, Niles," CC replied smoothly. "I can still act civil."
This time Niles snorted. "All right."
That settled, CC continued, "But really, Niles, why are you here? It's a lovely Saturday afternoon. Shouldn't you be sharing this with your girlfriend?"
Niles glanced over his shoulder at her, his eyes inscrutable. "Perhaps if I had a girlfriend, yes."
CC's eyebrows shot up involuntarily. "You don't have a girlfriend anymore?"
Niles shook his head, turning back to the Pomeranian who was currently stretched out on the warm concrete. "I haven't for several days now."
CC resisted the urge to run across the reservoir to test if the lightness she currently felt meant she could float across water. "That's…a shame."
"I don't believe you actually think that, and I suppose it isn't, really," Niles replied.
"What happened?"
"I broke up with her."
In her mind's eye, CC saw herself twirling on the water as though it were an ice rink. "But why?"
"Days before you gave me the advice to look at my girlfriend who issues ultimatums instead of love proclamations, I did just that."
CC blinked, remembering their fight from that morning and snippets of their interaction the previous night. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"I just did."
"I hate when people respond like that. That wasn't my question. Why didn't you tell me before?"
Niles looked at her as though hopeful that she would pick up on it without him saying it. If so, his hopes were misplaced.
"Well?"
The butler sighed and leaned back against the bench. Chester craned back to look at him before standing up again and whining.
"Oh, now you want to take your walk?" CC asked him. She looked over at Niles as she stood. "Is your big butt glued to that seat or do you want to join us?"
She watched as he glanced at her rear before he stood up too. "People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones."
"Just because the only type of house you'll ever be able to afford is a tiny glass replica of one," CC tossed over her shoulder, the breeze catching her hair and flowing through her skirt. With a grin, she heard Niles's quick footsteps catching up with her.
When Chester paused to sniff a suspicious rock, CC shifted her weight to her right foot and glanced over at Niles.
"What?"
"What did you mean when you said you were waiting for me?" she asked evenly.
She saw how surprised he was at the question. Had he forgotten the expected turbulence of their interactions? Had it been that long?
"Niles, that's the second question that you haven't answered. I'll start getting testy."
"Start? When did you stop?"
"Don't deflect."
Niles sighed and they began walking unison again as Chester moved on. "We don't usually have these kinds of conversations."
"Maybe we should start," CC suggested before she could reign in her tongue.
"I'll answer a question if you answer a question."
CC turned to look at him, arching an eyebrow. "Fine. Answer mine first."
"What was your question?" Niles asked innocently.
"Why are you so annoying?" CC exclaimed, startling the passing joggers.
"Well, Miss Babcock, I believe it's because—"
"That is not my question," CC interrupted, poking a finger into his arm. "What did you mean when you said you were waiting for me?" She glanced over and saw his hands trembling slightly.
"I…well, I suppose I…" He sighed. "I fear that, for a long time now, I've been counting on you being…being a part of my life." He shook his head; CC saw the sunlight reflecting off of his hair as he moved. "Not just a part of my life. I hoped…more than hoped…that at some point, it would be us. I was waiting for you to realize that, too."
CC darted her eyes to his and, finding them too overwhelming, looked back out across the reservoir. She hadn't figured that, in asking him that question, she'd be expected to come up with a response to what he said.
Luckily, Niles continued, "Now I get to ask my question." He rubbed his hands together eagerly and she felt a rush of gratitude for this man who knew her well enough to not demand a reply to what he'd just said. "Did you miss me, Babcock?"
CC smirked and ran her tongue over her teeth. She looked at him and saw the beginnings of a lopsided grin on his face. "Maybe."
"Maybe? I pour my heart out to you—"
"That explains the smell."
"—and you give me a maybe?" Niles pushed on incredulously.
"There were times," CC began cautiously, "when I missed you."
Chester abruptly stopped and sat down. With a sigh, CC crouched down and lifted him up, nestling him in her arms.
"He has tiny legs so he gets tired," CC explained, pivoting on her heel and turning around. Niles mimicked her movements.
"Which times, exactly?" Niles asked.
CC rolled her eyes. "We didn't agree to more questions."
"Hey, you're the one who was mean to me earlier. I just thought you'd appreciate the chance to redeem yourself."
"You've been mean to me for fifteen years!" CC objected, stopping at the bench Niles had been on earlier and sitting down. Chester curled up to her left while Niles sat down to her right.
"Fair enough. One more question apiece."
"Deal."
"Were you jealous?"
CC paused. "Yes."
"Why?"
"We didn't agree to follow-up questions!"
"Fine, then you can ask me two questions. Why were you jealous?"
"Because…" She trailed off and watched a bird skim its wings along the water. "Because I thought you were waiting for me."
Niles gently brushed his knuckles against her hand. "Your turn."
"Why were you sitting on a park bench hours after I kicked you out of my building?"
"I was contemplating a life apparently spent wasted waiting for a socialite to notice me."
CC smiled and didn't try to hide it. Part of her—most of her—wished he'd touch her hand again. "Why didn't you tell me that you broke up with Mindy?"
Niles shrugged and his shoulder lightly kissed hers. "I am…a horrible cad for agreeing to not see you and for avoiding Miss Fine."
"And for ignoring me for three months."
"And for ignoring you for three months," Niles agreed. "I loathed the idea of running to tell you that I was single and 'allowed' to see you again. I've deserved all of the terrible things you said about me."
CC flicked her head in a strange half-nod and covered one of her hands with the other in her lap. She'd momentarily forgotten about all of those things. She bit the side of her lip and watched Chester sleep.
"Miss Babcock, I'm so sorry," Niles said. She raised her eyebrows and looked at him. Apologies were new and not entirely unpleasant. "I never should have—"
"Chosen her over me?"
"No," Niles disagreed, shaking his head. "It might appear like that but no. You're in a league all your own. But I know it probably felt like that and I'm sorry."
She shifted, uncomfortable, but stopped when she felt her arm press against his. She settled there and hoped he'd take it as an acceptance of his apology.
"Do you want to know the truth, Miss Babcock?" Niles asked.
"Have you been lying up until now?"
"No, of course not, woman. But would you like to know the entire truth?"
"Fine."
"I realized I had feelings for you six months ago," Niles began, "and I…I didn't handle it all that well."
CC did the math and replied sarcastically, "You mean because you ran out right away and got yourself a girlfriend? No, you didn't."
"It wasn't right away!" Niles protested. He sighed. "But you're right. I didn't think I had any chance at all with you. It was equally troubling to realize I'd had feelings for you for quite some time."
"How long?"
Niles eyed her so CC relented.
"Fine. One more question each. How long have you had feelings for me?" she asked him.
"Oh, anywhere from several months to a decade, give or take."
CC smiled, absently petting Chester's head as he napped. "What made you realize it? Yes, yes, two more questions," CC added, gesturing impatiently with her free hand.
"When you kissed the French tutor," Niles replied with a sigh. "I could barely stomach you throwing yourself at Mr. Sheffield but seeing you with another man caused me to realize…well, it caused me to realize that I very much hated seeing you with one."
CC nodded slowly, quickly but thoroughly reorienting her experiences over the past six months with Niles. Suddenly, everything made a twisted, warped kind of Niles-sense. "You get two questions now."
"What do you do in your spare time?" he asked.
The question so surprised CC that she spun her head to look at him and couldn't think of a thing to say in response. But he looked at her with such genuine interest and not a hint of malice that she softened towards him. "I…well." CC paused, stumped as she usually became when someone asked about her hobbies. "I read. I watch tv or movies. I usually read scripts to get a head start on Maxwell so I can talk him out of whatever terrible idea he comes up with next. If my 'friends' are in town and not vacationing—so only three months out of the year, tops—I'll have lunch with them or help plan a benefit. If I've had to spend too much time around brainless nitwits—so any week I spend too much time at the mansion—I'll go to a museum or any other place with culture."
Looking out at the water, Niles smiled fondly at her response.
She mimicked the position of his head and reminded him, "You have one more."
"May I hold your hand?"
No, this question surprised her more. But then it didn't, not really, so CC smiled too and replied, "Sure."
He reached over without looking, trusting that his hand would always be able to find her own, and laced his fingers with hers. She thought she heard a tiny sigh escape his lips, but perhaps that was just the breeze.
