Jasper's POV
"Do it now," I roared into the phone.
"But, Jasper, it's not that simple," Peter said.
"Do it now!"
"Jasper, please I need to speak with-"
I disconnected the call and Peter with it. I didn't have time for him right now. I had given him his orders against the Cullens and now was the time for him to do as I said and finalize them. Nothing would be the same after. There will be no going back. Everyone's lives will be forever altered and I found that I didn't even care. It was a means to an end. An end that had me staying on top. It was necessary.
"Do it again," I said, turning to the only person I would allow around me right now.
They hit me with their gift and I used my own to intensify it. This was good, this felt right. It was the one thing I knew, the one thing I could endure. In many ways it was a drug and it's the only thing I've found that could distract me from her. Going to the Cullen's was a mistake. The moment I felt her emotions completely unshielded I ran like the coward I was, but she didn't give in like I expected, no, she gave chase. I could tell by her emotions that she was never going to give up. She was never going to leave me alone. I had to be smart, I had to be quick, so I did the only thing I knew would work. I killed her girlfriend.
I had kept tabs on Bella, not me personally, but an informant. I just couldn't leave her all alone. I needed to protect her. I knew she was better off dead, but I also knew I would never survive that, so I had to protect her. When I first heard about her and Mackenzie I was enraged, so enraged that I killed a busload of tourists, forty-two people. I didn't even drink their blood because it wasn't about that. It was about the release. I didn't hide myself from them and I bathed in their fear. I was the top dog and I always would be. Time passed and I calmed down. I was thankful that Bella was only bedding a girl and not a man. I knew she was a virgin, according to my informant, and that she didn't have her hymen intact, but that hardly mattered. Bella had never had a rock hard cock in her and that filled me with so much peace.
"Do it harder," I said and they struggled to up their gift on me.
This was all pointless. I didn't need this vampire to affect me, I could do it all on my own, but I didn't want to be alone right now. It was just easier to play into their games, make them think I was doing this for them and not me. I took the emotions behind their gift and increased it further until I was gritting my teeth. I was born into war. My first memories are of pain, destruction, thirst and bloodlust. Twenty newborns surrounded me and I felt everything… everything. We were punished, we were ordered to kill, we were used for release, all before we were given permission to drink. And when we did get permission, we had to share. One human to satisfy the thirst of five newborns. It was hell and it never got any better, not really.
"Mmm," I groaned in satisfaction. Oh yeah, we were finally getting somewhere. The pain reached my fingertips and I flexed my fingers. It felt good, too good. This was right, this was me. It reminded me of everything I had been through and it made me forget her, not entirely, but it was a start.
"I can't keep it up anymore," they said and I glared at them.
They backed off their gift and the only reason I didn't hurt them for going against me is because I could tell that they were exhausted. I kept my side of the emotions up, but it wasn't the same. There was no connection, no transfer. It was meaningless. I cut the cord and I suddenly felt nothing. As I came down from my high I wondered why I had even bothered. It was never worth it. Images of Bella and the first time I saw her came flooding into my mind, but I pushed them away.
"How can you always take on so much pain?" they asked me.
I stepped away from them. They were going to touch me, they always tried, but I wouldn't allow it. I knew that my tolerance for their gift turned them on, but I wasn't interested. If I wouldn't allow myself to have Bella then I would have no one. There was no in between.
"Ness, you need to let me in, we'd be good together."
I looked at them. They only knew me as the Bringer of Darkness, hence the name Ness, they would never know me as anything else. They didn't deserve to.
"I know you're a lone solider," they said, walking towards me, outstretching their hand, "but you don't need to be. I'm strong, you can sense it. We can be one. Just imagine sex with my gift."
I closed my eyes. It was a good thought. All that pain and pleasure at once, it would be intoxicating. They moved and I reached out and grabbed their hand to prevent them from touching me. I never even opened my eyes, I didn't need to. I knew their games, I had to.
"Don't," I told them, opening my eyes. They looked regretful.
"I'm sorry, Ness."
I let go of their hand and they stepped away from me.
"Maybe I should just go," they said, turning back to face me. I looked at them, but I didn't say a word.
I wanted to ask them to stay, but I would never speak the words.
"Okay," they accepted, "until next time."
I watched them leave and I struggled not to call out for them to stop. I couldn't appear weak to them. I wouldn't allow it. The moment they got out of my range I was bombarded with brown eyes once again and I sunk to the ground.
It would have been so easy to push aside these thoughts again, but I allowed them to stay, I allowed them to play out just one time.
Forks High, going to school was ridiculous. I tried to get out of attending with my red eyes, but Carlisle said it wasn't possible, so I cut down on my feeding, allowing my eyes to become a muddy red, almost brown in color. Fifty-three days I had successfully endured before she came. Bella Swan, the new girl. It was March, middle of the semester. I was just waiting for the year to end, waiting for my chance to split and never look back, but it never happened.
I was avoiding Alice at the time. We weren't mated and she knew this, but she was persistent. I was hiding, plain and simple. I felt her emotions first. She was feeling overwhelmed, regretful and sad. She came running out of the building in a panic and collapsed against the brick wall out in the cold. She was so close to me. I could have reached out and touched her, but I didn't. I was standing with my back against the wall. I didn't even move to look at her. She never even noticed I was there. She was having a mild panic attack, muttering something about being called Isabella and something about the human boys.
My curiosity got the better of me and I looked at her. I had barely laid my eyes on her before she looked up at me. Her brown eyes landed on mine and it was unfortunate. She wouldn't remember this interaction because it was all but a fleeting moment for her. As her eyes landed on mine I disappeared. I ran. I only wish I had been wise enough to run far away, but she meant something to me, even then. I struggled with what. I tormented myself with all the possibilities. She was human and she was killing me slowly. She got to know Edward and they started some sort of friendship. I kept my distance, never looking in to her eyes again. I continued to struggle with my feelings. There were too many to name, but one stood out about all else, inadequacy.
I was a monster, I still am, and Bella was too pure of a soul to be sucked down by someone like me. She deserved better. …I didn't deserve her and if we ever did get together she would realize this and leave me and I would never be able to come back from that. I needed to protect myself. It wasn't worth it. As long as we stayed apart we could both live our own lives with no death and destruction. I would not be her downfall and she would not be mine.
